I’m here! The train was canceled. I’m with the friends! Poor Casparchen! I just put in a telephone call!
1. Gerstenmaier was firmly convinced that he would survive the ordeal.
HELMUTH JAMES TO FREYA, DECEMBER 9–10, 1944
Tegel, 9 Dec 44
My love, I’m going to get a quick start on writing a little letter “in a minor key,” because that’s also part of it. Hercher has just left. I’m very pleased that he was here, because we were able to make a bit of progress once more.
He thought we’d definitely come before Christmas, emphasizing that Thiele had said so quite definitively, with the explanation, “Hermes, Fehr, etc., will not come until after New Year’s.”—He also said that after working his way through my documents, he considers the case quite grim, because the court “will surely have no interest in hearing my explanations,” which is why he is anticipating a death sentence. That’s not new, but it’s just the thing to destroy the somewhat more optimistic versions. He also told me that the sentence would surely be carried out right away, even though there had been some exceptions as well. Vote on the whole: I will not get to experience Christmas. In spite of the minor-key mood stemming from these statements, at the moment I feel secure with our Father and pray that He may preserve this feeling in me—not this feeling but this certainty. My love, He will also hold you in His grace.
From this angle, Steengracht is both important and urgently needed.1—Now it’s time to eat.
Evening. I just finished my supper, and the guard has already said good night to me. I’ll now write before I continue reading. Hercher’s opinion, based on my documents—he wants to have a look at the court file early next week—is as follows: Danger no. 1 is this single conversation with Goerdeler and Beck2 plus my confession of guilt; danger no. 2, defeatism;3 danger no. 3, individual points from the conversations centered on Kreisau, in particular the map. Each of these things can be lethal, and taken together, they actually must be lethal. He didn’t say all of that so pointedly, but that’s what it is, and it also tallies with my opinion. The earth is nice and hard under our feet once again, and the pink clouds have scattered; nevertheless, an indictment this bad is an advantage, though Hercher said they were always this bad.
My love, don’t think I’m downhearted. No, I’m not. But it is only right to be focused completely on my imminent parting and not to get lost in all sorts of hopes. There is only one hope and that is our hope for the Lord. Over these past weeks, He has blessed us so appreciably that we have every “right” to expect more, as we know from the saying, “For He that hath, to Him shall be given.” We may expect more because we have noticed that He hears us. Do you know, my dear, why I like writing you so much about this topic? Not only because I love you, not only because I would like to tell you and myself as much as possible before I depart, but also because it makes my soul feel light and airy. I then see before me, in black and white, how things need to be; once I have told all to my beloved, it is so much easier to say to the horse who at times grows weary: hic rodus hic salta.4 If I didn’t know about the struggle in Gethsemane, I would condemn myself to hell on a daily basis. But then I tell myself, if Jesus grieved and despaired, I guess you can do so as well. What a colossal reality all these words have taken on. You know, before this I hadn’t known what grieving and despairing were in this context; nor did I know what was behind it when he says “so I will drink it, thy will be done.” I’m learning this now, and it pains me to think of those who don’t have that model, that light; they can only despair, or scurry past it, conceal it from themselves. I’m grateful that I don’t need that: every evening, as I fall asleep, he stands before me fully visible, and my first thought when I wake up at night or in the morning is of that walk to the gallows, a walk I may have to take in ten or fourteen days. That is what spurs me on to “watch and pray,” and it does require some spurring; the disciples had no choice but to sleep, because they lacked this prod. Other than these thoughts, and thoughts of what will happen to all of you afterward, I dwell solely on my defense, again and again. I still read the newspaper from beginning to end, but sometimes only two days later; I read it only when I’m waiting for something and don’t want to concentrate or I’m restless and can’t concentrate or I’m tired.
In our free hour I now always walk at a snail’s pace in the inner small circle, abreast of Delp and Eugen [Gerstenmaier] in the large one, and we always have the same conversation about faith. They claim that one must pray for one’s life and believe that this prayer will be fulfilled, while I keep saying that is going too far: I can’t prescribe what God should wish for, not even by invoking my faith. I can only believe that He wants what’s best for me and for you and for the little sons. That’s as far as it goes. New arguments occur to all three of us at night, and in the morning it continues.—Incidentally, Delp will have his trial with us, Hercher said, which means that they’re no longer counting on getting Rösch and König.—It is a true joy to me that Delp was accepted into the Jesuit order yesterday.5 Not only because he was able to do so in prison but, more important, because I’d spoiled his chances in the early part of 1943, as I’d told Rösch I found it wonderful that the Jesuits, of all people, had such an undisciplined brother; I didn’t know at the time that Delp had yet to take the big vow, and Rösch then told me he would again defer his vows. This was not intended.
That’s enough chitchat for today, my dearest. I hope you’ll be home soon and don’t miss the connection in Liegnitz. Might I see you next week? May the Lord watch over you and us, my dear love. J.
10 Dec 44
Good morning, my love, it’s 7 o’clock, and I picture you now with the two little sons in bed, reading and studying with one of them and keeping the other one quiet. What a lovely image for me. I’ve just finished getting up and making my bed—because I’m unshackled, I’m doing this half an hour earlier—and now I just want to say, in black and white, that my thoughts are very tenderly with you all. For I have next to nothing to tell you. Actually I do have something to say, maybe three things: There was an air raid, which was of medium intensity where we were—at one point it was terribly bright above us, I saw four bombs and maybe a dozen impacts that were strong enough to make the doors and windows rattle quite a bit—but that is mercifully over.—Second, the following has occurred to me: Since you’re making a new petition for clemency with Hercher, just be sure that if this one is handed in after the verdict, it doesn’t supplant the other one, because a petition for clemency after the verdict is a pure formality and has to be rejected. It must clearly indicate—it shouldn’t matter if it’s in the text or the cover letter—that the main petition for clemency is already with the Führer and the SS Reich Leader. Please discuss that with Poelchau and then with Hercher. I’m fine with anything you do, and I’m not inclined to panic at the moment, the way I did a month ago; I simply wanted to point out the chaos that might ensue. Another question: How would it be if in some way—for you can’t be the one to do it—a message were introduced into the SS channels, maybe via the reserve army, maybe via Keitel: if you don’t want to give the man a reprieve and leave him in jail, then give him the reprieve of a suicide mission, as it is done with a soldier sentenced to death. Talk that over with Poelchau.
Farewell, my dear, my dearest love. May the Lord watch over you and us, and we shall joyfully submit to His will. I cannot say more, farewell. J.
1. This is a reference to the petition to Hitler for clemency, which Steengracht had agreed to endorse.
2. On January 22, 1943, in the apartment of Peter Yorck; see Helmuth’s letter of December 21, 1944.
3. The National Socialists regarded a lack of faith in a final victory as a serious offense, which could warrant the death penalty; see Editors’ Introduction.
4. “Here is Rhodes, jump here.” The phrase, from Aesop, essentially means: Show what you can do, here and now!
5. Delp had a fellow Jesuit administer the final oaths of admission to the Jesuit Orde
r in prison. Delp had set great store by this accomplishment. See Roman Bleistein, Alfred Delp: Geschichte eines Zeugen (Frankfurt am Main: Josef Knecht, 1989), 331. Helmuth had meant the “undisciplined brother” comment as a compliment, but Rösch, Delp’s superior, decided to defer his final oaths as a result.
HELMUTH JAMES TO FREYA, DECEMBER 10–12, 1944
Tegel, 10 Dec 44
My dear love, I’ve just blown out the candle on the evergreen branch over my door, which brings my celebration of the second Advent to an end; it’s about 6:15, and I’ve got the urge to talk to my dearest once again. My love, your beautiful angel is next to me and shields me from above with his wings. Thank you, my love. I lit the candle just after 5:30, along with a piece of branch, so it smells like Christmas, then realized that the branch is dried up and droopy, and it would be nice if I could get a fresh one in case I’m still alive for the third Advent. Then I put your big candle on my table, your angel along with it, and read the beginning of the Gospels of Luke and John, that is, Luke 1:26–56 and Hartmann’s Advent songs from the hymnal, then I just sat quietly, watching the light and thinking of the coming of the Lord, of my Pim, and of our sons until it was time to blow out the candle so that some of it remains for next Sunday if I still need it. Oh, right, I also read Isaiah 59:16–21 and 60.
Please let Ulla [Oldenbourg] know that it now appears to be heading into the final, critical stage. Tell her I’m so thankful for her help so far, but she continues to be crucial, for with human eyes there is still no hope in sight, but only a totally mechanical process from the departure in Tegel to the chimney in Plötzensee, in which the People’s Court is no more than a maintenance stop, a stop where the conductor has to call out “make way,” but no one can get on or off.1
One more thing: Did Poelchau tell you I had the idea that my idiotic statements2 were induced by Pervitin? After my second sleepless night, they got me at 10 again and made me sit there until 2, claiming it was because the senior councillor wasn’t back. Then they came up with the suggestion that I might want to eat something, and a large dish of very thick soup was brought “from the cafeteria.” It could have contained that infernal stuff; right after the meal the questioning started, and I clearly recall feeling a need for self-affirmation, which I’m not normally subject to. On the 28th they did the same thing again.—I don’t know this for a fact, of course, but that’s at least a rational explanation for my almost incomprehensibly foolish behavior. Still, it could also have been a combination of stupidity and nastiness, with stupidity predominating.—Finally, I had a long talk with Claus today and introduced our legend of the church’s attitude as the true cause. And that caught on; his interest was sparked, because he too, and this one and that one, had been hampered in their advancement because they went to church and had their children confirmed, he told me. That came out like a torrent and showed me that the cover story rang true; now it just needs to be circulated with a vengeance.—May the Lord watch over you and us. J.
11 Dec 44
I’ve spent the whole day looking forward to the evening, when I’ll be chatting with my dearest again. At the same time, there’s nothing at all to report. But I see my hourglass running out and I’m thinking: Talk to her while you still can.—During the day I wrote a medium-length set of notes about my line of defense, and want to ask you, if this would work, to deliver it to all four of the men at Lehrter Str.3 with a request to point out any discrepancies. I would be especially grateful to hear from Sperr about what he actually said. Sperr also needs another reminder that he did not inform Delp about his conversation with Stauffenberg until after July 20th. Finally I would ask for a copy of this, my line of defense, on thin paper so that Eugen [Gerstenmaier] and Delp can see it in black and white.
My love, I’m terribly worried about your Christmas, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I tell you quite bluntly that I think I take precedence, unless it’s definite that we won’t be up before Christmas. Your presence in Berlin is extremely precious to me, especially at the time of the trial and afterward. I want to have the feeling that you are standing by me with an undivided heart and undivided attention. Do you understand that?—My dear, all this is very demanding for you, but I think the matter is so important that I can say this. I’m going to spoil your Christmas somehow or another, no matter what, and last year the little sons saw to that;4 you really are surrounded by tactless men.
My love, if I’m dead by Christmas, which is, after all, in line with prior standard practice, it won’t be so nice either to go home and celebrate Christmas. My poor love, all this weighs me down, and I would be very happy if we could put it off to the new year. In any case, give it your best effort. I can only keep hoping that after the long preparation time the Lord has granted us we are both truly so well equipped now that we can cope with all this, with His grace. Think about how it would be if I had been executed with Adam [von Trott zu Solz] on September 9, as originally planned. The world would look very different for you, and I would have departed in a different manner.
12 Dec 44
Good morning, my dearest, I’ve just heard that we will be tried a week from today. Fugger’s lawyer told him that. If I only remain firmly in God’s hand, and you as well, this day will certainly be a day in God’s scheme of things like any other, without any fright. The Lord was merciful with me, as Fugger just told me, and it didn’t scare me in the slightest. I only hope I can remain with Him, but I’m relying on that. Whatever that day may bring for us, my love, it cannot touch our love; instead, this love will conquer all the events of that day, too. Farewell, my love. J.
1. A metaphor from certain tram stops where leaving the tram was not permitted.
2. Helmuth appears to be referring to his interrogations in August 1944 in Drögen or in the last week of September in the Lehrter Strasse Gestapo prison; see his letter of October 1, 1944.
3. The reference is to Theodor Haubach, Franz Reisert, Franz Sperr, and Theodor Steltzer.
4. Because of illness during Christmas 1943.
FREYA TO HELMUTH JAMES, DECEMBER 11, 19441
Monday afternoon
My dear, the big writing pad is at the friends’ home and since it will be coming to you on Wednesday, I won’t be writing more on it anyway. I have to get another one in Kreisau, or shall I say I would have to, my love, because I fear that the long letters I so enjoy writing will be few in number. It doesn’t appear altogether certain that they’ll be finished with you by Christmas. They’d like to be, but it’s far from sure that they’ll be finished with their schedule next week. It seems certain that it won’t be this week anymore. It’s an exceptionally strenuous week, the week before Christmas. How will all this work out, my Jäm! That is not an expression of despair; it’s just a sigh. It’ll all work out somehow or another. We must let ourselves be borne along and comply with what God has imposed on us. There is a certain happiness, a prospect of easing the tension in the precious certainty that we are utterly united, utterly inseparable in God’s keeping. So I see distress, pain, sorrow, and a difficult path for you ahead of me, but no despair, and down to the end, my faith that God is capable of keeping you alive will remain unshakable. My Jäm, how much richer you will be leaving me behind, if you have to die, than you would have three months ago. We have a rich, happy, harmonious, blessed, never troubled life together behind us and have appreciated it full of gratitude and happiness, we were rich in view of the past, but, my beloved heart, now we’re rich in regard to the future.
Yes, my love, we will be able to see and speak to each other once again this week.2 That is a beautiful and cherished and precious prospect, my dearest. However, if I’m the way I feel now, all my strength would leave me and I would let my streams of tears flow. But that’s not an option because that is not nice for you and, God willing, it will turn out differently, I’d rather leave the way it turns out to Him, because that is actually our hearts’ desire.
My Jäm, your little “letter in a minor key” is lovely; I’m
happy to have it. Yes, my own little pink clouds have scattered as well. I am basically doing well and feeling safe too, and I’m so close, so close to you, my love. I understand so well that you want to keep telling me what holds and binds us. I cannot hear this often enough, and time and again, I’m grateful and happy about every word you say to me.
I am and will forever remain your P.
1. Only a copy of this letter has been preserved. The date that was added later, 18 Dec 44, is unlikely.
2. Shortly before this, Councillor Thiele had promised Freya a face-to-face meeting for the following week.
HELMUTH JAMES TO FREYA, DECEMBER 12–13, 1944
Tegel, 12 Dec 44
My dear, in all likelihood, that is, according to purely human calculation, I will already be dead at this time in a week from today. I was thinking today about my old farewell letter to you1 and thinking about how I ought to write you a new one and realizing that I actually can’t do so now. I’m not at all in the mood for parting; the fact of the matter is simply that the very thing I should consider to be the most decisive farewell appears not to be a farewell. May God grant that this certainty remains firm and steadfast for you and for me; if He retains this certainty in us, He will have given us the greatest gift He can bestow. If He were to take away my creaturely fear of dying, I would go to Plötzensee quite cheerfully in the knowledge that He is calling me and I will see Him, live within Him, go on loving you and finding you within Him. At the moment, the 31st Psalm has become my daily constant companion, and I read it two or three times a day.
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