“Then the music and sex will have to be enough until she is. We need a break from the jazz clubs for a night or two, though. I don’t think that music helps. It isn’t structured enough.”
That was the double-edged sword. The music we’d been playing to hunt for a mate for Chaos gave me a reprieve from singing, but it amplified the chaos inside my mind. I could get away with purely instrumental arrangements with jazz, something I couldn’t do if we switched to our usual Fate’s Fools playlist. Not to mention that was the music that the hounds responded to best when I commanded them to search for a mate for Chaos.
Keagan ushered me back onto the bus and settled me onto the sofa, then stood with his hands on his hips, regarding me. “The music helps, huh? You feeling better now, princess?”
I nodded, grateful to them for not drawing attention to my handicap. It was bad enough that I needed sex every hour, but that wasn’t exactly an affliction they could ignore. “Yeah, a little.” My gaze tracked down his chest, following the dark trail of hair into the waist of his jeans. “Other things help more, though.” I hooked my index finger over his button and tugged.
Keagan hissed and grabbed my wrist. “Gaia save us. My poor dick isn’t ready for more of you, honey.” He turned to Bodhi. “Here, hand me that guitar. I have an idea.”
I suppressed a sigh of disappointment, but the slow, sweet tempo of the song Keagan began to play distracted me from that desire even more than Bodhi’s tune had. “Our song,” I whispered, staring wide-eyed up at him.
“Did you think I forgot it?” he said, playing for a few more seconds before launching into the first verse of the song I’d sung to him the day he’d given me a piece of his soul. The words to the second verse burned inside my lungs. They were part of me, these words, but had turned toxic inside me since Ozzie’s disappearance. As long as I didn’t try to sing, I would be all right.
Letting them serenade me eased the clawing madness, and as Keagan sang, my mind flooded with nothing but my love for him. When the song was done, it remained there, pulsing warmly and keeping the mad cacophony of other images at bay.
“Thank you,” I said when he set the guitar down and crouched in front of me. I reached out to stroke his stubbled cheek and he gripped my hand.
“My pleasure. But I think Llyr’s right—we need more of this kind of music to keep you level-headed until we find whoever this poor fool is who’d satisfy Chase as a mate. We’ll just have to play harder on the nights we’re playing his music.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, nodding. “Yeah, that’s probably better. And maybe chain me up when I get too wild next time. I don’t want to hurt you guys.”
Keagan’s gaze darkened and one brow lifted. “Be careful what you wish for, princess.”
His heated look could have easily set me off again, but his song had given me the self-control to ignore that urge. I glanced around, frowning. “Where’s Ro?”
“Said he had to go pick something up at the store. He took the Jeep,” Bodhi said, settling down beside me and retrieving his guitar.
He began to strum a light-hearted tune he’d been working on. The hounds appeared out of nowhere and settled on their haunches at his feet, heads tilting back and forth. They did this whenever one of us was composing, chuffing or warbling at different moments when they either enjoyed or disliked the direction a song had taken. They seemed to thoroughly enjoy Bodhi’s new song. So did I.
I curled up next to him and rested my head on my hand on the back of the sofa, just listening. The bus seemed almost too quiet, this secluded spot we’d parked in far enough outside the city that we only heard the occasional passing car. But it was peaceful and helped to settle my mind even more. I could finally process the last two weeks a little more clearly, though I chose to skip over the hard parts.
I remembered Maddie saying her farewells when we stopped in New Mexico, dropping her off at a cousin’s with Willem and Sandor in tow. They planned to head back to Los Angeles after taking a short honeymoon of sorts in Santa Fe. I remembered experimenting with different pieces of music to see which one provoked the best response from the hounds while I envisioned finding a mate for our former host, Mr. Chase. It had taken several tries, but eventually we’d concluded that free jazz was the ideal style and chose the clubs we played at based on that.
But we’d also discovered the music tended to leave me a little too unguarded when I played it with the guys. It was as if it had the power to break down defenses, even though I adored the sound, probably because it reminded me of Ozzie. At one point, Fate’s Fools had been a jazz band, frequenting clubs alongside the likes of Miles Davis and Thelonious Monk. Ozzie had introduced me to some of his favorite songs from that era, and I’d spent hours listening to them over and over, just like anything he shared with me.
I remembered more, older memories from before this trip and before my life really began. Or perhaps that visit to the realm of the gods was when my life began—not the morning when I’d been born, but that night when I’d learned what it meant to love after living an entire lifetime in a single day.
A car engine rumbled as it approached, pulling me back from the precipice of that heartbreaking memory. I shook myself out of my reverie and twisted around to look out the window behind me. Rohan’s golden curls were a shimmering, sunlit halo around his head when he hopped out of the Jeep, then reached into the back seat for a collection of grocery bags.
“Found it!” he said, bounding into the bus with a grin so bright it rivaled the afternoon sun. “Or at least I hope I did. You’ll have to tell me for sure.” He deposited the bags onto the kitchen counter and reached into one, pulling out a foil-wrapped box and tossing it to Llyr.
Llyr peeled open the box and looked inside, then plucked out a small, round object with gold glitter shimmering on it. He popped it into his mouth and chewed, his expression gradually sliding into pure pleasure. “Oh, yeah. This is the stuff.” He took a long, slow breath, his lips spreading into a satisfied smile before handing me the box. “These are for you, sweetness.”
“What are they?” I asked, reaching for the treats.
“Remember the chocolates Chase had in his office? I think he kept them there to calm any guests who might have been adversely affected by being in his presence. We tracked down a source.”
Rohan stretched out a hand and snagged one of the chocolates from the box. He tossed it into the air and caught it in his mouth, then let out a rumble of enjoyment as he chewed and swallowed. “Turns out the reason they work so well is the chocolatier is a Gold like me. She infuses her recipes with her magic. I pretty much cleared out her entire store today, but she gave me a couple recipes I can use.”
Keagan grunted. “Recipes? You don’t cook, dude.”
Rohan leveled him with an exasperated look. “No, but Bodhi and Llyr do. We’re a team, aren’t we? We needed to do something.” His pitch rose, a hint of panic seeping into his voice.
That was my fault, and the twinge of guilt in my belly pushed me to my feet. I set the chocolate aside and went to Rohan, but he flinched when I reached out for him. I dropped my hand.
Sighing, he fumbled to reclaim it. “Baby, I’m sorry. This is all so overwhelming, which I know I don’t have to tell you, but it’s not easy for me to feel you hurting. And I can feel it. I experience your pain as acutely as if it were my own. Just . . . just bear with me, all right?”
“No, I’m sorry,” I said, glancing around at the others while I clutched at Rohan’s hand. Thank you all for being here for me. For tolerating my . . . insanity.”
I grimaced, hating that I had to say the word, but it was true. My nymphaea nature wasn’t responding well to losing a piece of my soul, even though it had never really been mine to begin with, and the effect was acute nymphomania. Enduring estrous would have been preferable to this; that was only a physical condition that could be eased in a matter of a few sex-filled days. This went much deeper, and it couldn’t be shaken without serious attentio
n.
“Hey, princess. You don’t need to thank us,” Keagan said, grabbing my wrist and tugging me into his lap. I snuggled against his big, sturdy frame, soaking up the comfort he offered. “And between serenades and feeding you dragon-infused treats, I think we can handle it. At least long enough to give us a breather—then maybe we can work out a schedule or something, because you can bet your sweet little ass you won’t have to go without my dick for very long.”
He squeezed my ass, then reached for the chocolates, snatched one, and held it up to my lips. I opened for him, and he placed the sweet, decadent treat on my tongue, looking into my eyes as he caressed my lower lip before dropping his hand to my thigh.
I closed my mouth, and as the bittersweet flavor exploded on my tongue, Bodhi began to play once more, this time adding words to his new song. The combination of music and the sweet, potent magic in the candy plucked at the tether between me and my three mates, our bond resonating with a pleasant vibration that erased the last remnants of dissonance lurking inside my mind.
And with that absence, the exertion of the last few days of non-stop sex caught up with me. I rested my head on Keagan’s shoulder and closed my eyes, Bodhi’s song lulling me to sleep.
Halfway into my dreams, it hit me that his song was more than just idle creative meandering. It had a purpose and carried power. It was the mating song that bound all our souls.
4
Deva
I woke up alone, but refreshed, rolling over in the big bed to stare up at the skylight in the roof of the bus. I had dreamed the same dream I’d had for the past year, except now I knew the images that visited me at night weren’t just a product of my wishful heart—they were actual memories that haunted my sleep and called the madness to my mind again when I was awake.
It began with an ache in my chest that gradually spread to an itch lurking just beneath my skin. I felt hot and cold at the same time, jagged darkness flickering at the edges of my vision. My nipples tightened with the need to be touched and my core spasmed in response.
My mates’ attention only went so far to ease the ache. Deep down, I knew that only one person could end this slow descent.
Two people. I closed my eyes against the thought. I didn’t know for certain that accepting Llyr’s soul-gift would fix it, but the feeling wouldn’t disappear. In truth, I believed I probably wouldn’t be whole until I took them both, and not just in regard to my soul, but my mind too. They were blood-melded, after all, their souls shared between two bodies. Llyr might have been capable of giving me what I needed, thanks to that bond, but it wouldn’t stop my grief over Ozzie.
No matter how close the pair were now—or had been before Ozzie’s disappearance—Llyr could never replicate that night in my memory. Only Ozzie could. We just had to find him.
Music began to filter into the dim, silent bedroom. I recognized Bodhi’s preferred playlist drifting from the stereo speakers near the front of the bus, the melody doing a little to push back the distortion in my mind. Then the scent of food made its way to me and my stomach growled. Amid all the sex the past couple days, I hadn’t paused to take in any solid food. While I could’ve survived for weeks on sex alone, I still needed real food.
I crawled out of bed and glanced down, smiling when I saw I was wearing one of Rohan’s old T-shirts, the hem hitting me mid-thigh. I needed a shower before I did anything else, so I slipped into the narrow lavatory, pulling off the shirt before entering the shower stall.
The water on this thing never got as hot as I wanted it to on its own, but a wave of my hand had the water steaming within seconds, and I savored the relaxing heat while I soaped up and rinsed off the days’ worth of desperate fucking as I’d tried to cling to sanity.
I pulled on Rohan’s shirt again after I was done and padded out to the front of the bus. I’d expected to see all the guys but found only Bodhi. He was singing along to the music while he flipped pancakes. He looked up when I entered and smiled.
“I hope you’re hungry, angel,” he said. He set down the spatula and reached for the coffee pot, poured a cup, then opened the box of chocolates on the counter and dropped one of the candies into the mug before stirring. “Take your vitamins.” He feigned a stern expression as he handed me the mug.
“Thank you,” I said, my voice still a little raspy from sleep. I eagerly gulped the hot drink, sighing with relief when the magic took hold. Bodhi went back to singing, more deliberately now, as he cooked.
“Where are the guys?” I asked, settling down at the table to nurse the rest of my delicious coffee.
“Working on getting us a gig for tomorrow night. I am on Deva duty.”
“Which entails what, exactly?”
He set a stack of pancakes in front of me, followed by syrup and butter, a bowl of fresh fruit, and a plate of bacon.
“Fulfilling all your carnal and spiritual needs.” He settled on the bench seat across from me with a playful smile.
“That’s pretty all-encompassing,” I said, drowning my food in syrup and digging in with gusto. I raised an eyebrow at him as I chewed and swallowed, my taste buds and stomach rejoicing at the reintroduction of real food. “Are you sure you’re up to it?”
“I can handle you for as long as I need to—at least that’s the hope. We decided since I’m the weakest link, endurance-wise, we should see how this holistic approach works. If I survive . . . ”
“Bodhi!” I set down my fork and stared at him. He chuckled.
“Don’t worry. You won’t hurt me. The idea is that all of this . . . ” He waved at the food, the chocolate, the stereo, and himself. “ . . . will be enough to manage your issue. If it isn’t, then we’ll have to try a different combo—pair up, or something.”
“So you’re basically rationing the sex,” I said.
“Yep,” he replied without missing a beat. “There’s only so much to go around between the three of us. If you need a constant supply, you can’t exhaust us all at once. So food, music, sex. And maybe I need to just give you more of the first two if I can’t measure up with the third.”
I took a long drink to wash down the food and sat back, staring at the empty dishes. I had almost no recollection of eating except for that first bite, but I certainly felt more sated than I had in a while. “Did Rohan help with this?”
“He pretty much infused everything edible with smoke before he left. If there was something more I could do, I would, but you’re stuck with my human charms, I guess.”
He stood and cleared the dishes, carefully loading them in the little dishwasher under the sink. I got up and scooted around him, gliding my hand across his bare shoulders on my way to the coffee pot for a refill. Beneath my touch, the inked designs seemed to ripple slightly, the translucent webbed wings of the enormous flying fish stretched across his shoulders fluttering in a breeze I couldn’t feel. My body buzzed with a pleasant rhythm that matched the music on the stereo, an easy-going acoustic song similar to the ones Bodhi liked to play. The real thing worked better, but I liked this too.
I dropped another chocolate into my coffee and stirred until it melted, then turned around and leaned against the stove, gaze drifting over Bodhi’s colorfully inked torso as he bent over the dishwasher, arranging the dirty dishes. He had one hand braced on the edge of the sink, shoulder bunched, back muscles rippling with each movement. His jeans were slung low across his hips, the small, black antimony glyph peeking up above the band. He wore nothing but jeans, his feet bare on the hardwood floor, and I was fairly certain he wasn’t wearing anything underneath either.
He turned his head and lifted one dark brow above a gray-green eye. “See something you like?”
My mouth had gone dry and I took a quick swallow of coffee, smiling over the rim. “Everything. You are not a weak link, Bodhi. You shouldn’t feel inferior.”
He closed the dishwasher and stood, leaning back against the sink across from me. Rubbing the back of his neck, he said, “I’m still out of my element here. I want to be
what you need, but I’m still not sure what that is because it keeps changing. It’s a challenge to keep up.”
“Whatever you are is what I need. This morning . . . ” I took a deep breath and sighed with happiness, a feeling that had evaded me for a while. “Everything was perfect. Whether it was all I need, I can’t say. Probably not, but I don’t think anyone is capable of being all things to the ones they love. And the way I’m built, it’s probably never going to happen. That’s why you have the others. Surely you get something from them that I don’t give you, right?”
His cheeks reddened and he dropped his gaze. A low chuckle escaped him as he shook his head. “They’ve definitely got qualities you lack that I never in a million years imagined I’d like. But I could live without them.” He lifted his gaze to mine again. “I can’t live without you, and seeing you hurting kills me because I don’t know how to fix it.”
“But you’re trying. That counts for more than you realize,” I said. “All of you are trying.” My throat closed up and my breath hitched as the emotional toll of the last few days caught up to me again.
Bodhi had me in his arms before I could catch my breath, and it all came crashing down again. “You’re all right, angel. I’ve got you.”
I clung to him, fighting for breath, the soft strokes of his hand over my back finally easing the tension inside me. I didn’t deserve what they gave me. Their undying love and loyalty. This attentive care when I should have had the strength to take what I needed and get on with things. I should have had the strength to at least give back instead of constantly taking.
Bodhi pulled back a little when my breathing evened out. He cupped my cheek, looking deep into my eyes. “What do you need? More chocolate? Should I change the music? Or . . . ” He trailed off, the hand at my low back dipping lower until it found the hem of my T-shirt and slipped beneath. He cupped one ass cheek and squeezed. “Something different?”
“You don’t have to,” I said. “I’m all right now.”
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