Life Is Not a Fairy Tale

by Fantasia

Y’all know that I want to go as far as I can in the music business, and I believe the sky is the limit for me. I love all music. I know all music. I won’t be stuck in the ghetto category. I’m just not havin’ it. Look at the things I’ve done.And let me show you what else I can do.

  To keep it real with Zion, I have to write about the hardest things that any mother thinks about. What do I say to Zion about my life, which has been pretty full of drama since the day I turned five and the Holy Spirit entered my life? How do I tell Zion that the Spirit was in me and I still fought it for years, staying out of school, getting pregnant so young, and not listening to my parents?

  Zion, I want to tell you how much I love you and how proud I am that you are my daughter. I also want to tell you that I have learned a lot in the last few years and some day I will be able to share it all with you. For now, I want to apologize to you for not being in your life and leaving you with your grandmother so much. You are in good hands with her. She is my best friend and she is like a sister to me. She has helped me with everything in my life, including taking care of you. I hope that when you grow up, someday, you will be able to say the same thing about me. I want to be your mother, but I also want to be your friend. When you get to be a big girl, then, maybe we can talk about all the things that I have done and all the choices that I have made that have changed your life already, and you don’t even realize it.

  When you start school, you’ll be asked who your mommy is and why she’s never at home. People will ask you why your grandmother and grandfather don’t speak to each other. They will ask you where your father is and why he doesn’t live with you.

  It’s a long story and it will take years for me to make you understand. This book is the beginning of me telling you all about our lives—yours, mine, Grandma’s and Great-grandma’s.

  We have all had it hard, Zion, and the reason I’m away so much is because I don’t want you to have to say that you too had it hard. I’ve had it hard enough for the both of us, and I work so hard so that your life will be good. But the thing about life is that the things that I need to work out for myself are the things to make life better for you, at least what I think will make it better for you.

  When I was growing up, Zion, I didn’t have any of the things you have. I didn’t have my own pretty pink room. I didn’t have a canopy bed with a sheer curtain over it, just like a princess. I didn’t have new shoes and new church outfits every Sunday. I didn’t have a lot of toys, and the ones I had were not brand name and on TV. I didn’t have the kind of toys that light up and make noises. I didn’t have any of those things. It was a different time and place and very different time for my parents—your grandparents.

  But all you need to know is that God looked after us. God gave me a special gift with my voice and with that gift, He made everything possible for us. Singin’ is why I’m away so much. God has given me my dream, and in return, I have promised Him that I would bless your life with what He has given me.

  I guess if I’m going to keep it real, Zion, I know that you want to know where your father is and why he has not been around. Both of us were really young when we met. Although it sounds silly to say now, I loved your father, or at least I thought I did. It’s hard to admit it to you, but he didn’t love me, which is why when he knew you were going to be born, he left us. Having a little daughter was too big of a thing for him to do and so he stopped comin’ around. Zion, I think he stopped comin’ around because he couldn’t handle a love that big. He just couldn’t handle it.

  The last thing I have to tell you is about the music. Music has made our family who we are today. Ever since my mama was young I’ve been singing with that special gift that God gave me and your grandmother and grandfather and all of grandpa’s brothers too. Music saved our life, Zion, and it will always be a part of it. You already love music now, and I can’t wait for you to get older so you can listen to it with me and know what kind of meaning it has had for our whole family. I want you to remember that music is evidence of God on Earth. I will have many years to explain to you the things about our family that are hard to understand, but for now, the first lesson I have for you is always tell the truth. Whether you are right or wrong, tell the truth so you will never walk in shame. That’s why I’m telling you these things now. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. I promise you that.

  Zion is the place that the disciples went to pray in the Bible. I chose that name for you so that you will always be reminded of what to do when life gets hard.

  At the end of every long, hard, exciting day, I know my toughest job is to keep it real with myself. Even though I have made it this far, my life is not perfect. The story is still goin’ on. I laugh, I cry, I hurt, and I have drama goin’ on from time to time. Life is always going to be full of trials, but the trials keep me growin’ and make me stronger. I still have a smile on my face. When I see how far I’ve come, after all I’ve been through, I am happy.

  There is one thing that I wish I could change, but I can’t, at least not yet. I am still a single working mom, and no matter how much help I have from my mother, I can’t be there for my child like I want to be. Zion needs me. I’m sure that other single working mothers have the same problems. I’m always torn between giving it all up just to be with her every night and give her a bath and hear her learn a new word and working hard to provide the things that she needs to have a better chance than I ever had in my early life. All that I’m missing is painful. It’s a sacrifice. It’s probably the biggest sacrifice that I’ll make in my life. But when this early part of her life is over and she gets a good education and has a safe and happy place to live, I’ll feel good that I’ve provided that kind of life for her. She knows I love her. The hugs and the kisses that I want to give her, I send over the phone lines. It’s the best I can do for now.

  Like I’ve said, I regret a lot of the choices that I’ve made. And even my music success can’t take all of the pain away from the mistakes I’ve made. I still need to get my GED so I can tell my daughter that I have a diploma. I still need to get a driver’s license so I can drive my daughter to the places that she will need to go when she gets a little older. I still am not the perfect mother. I still struggle with being only twenty-one and being a mom. I hate to admit it, but there are times I would rather go shopping with my girlfriends instead of having to deal with Zion, the stroller, the car seat, and all of those things that make the simplest things a struggle. But at least I can provide for my child, and that is a big thing coming from where I come from. I will get better at this motherin’ thing with time.

  I’m a dreamer, and so sometimes I say things like, “If I could go overseas right now and build schools, I would.” That’s one of my dreams. Those are the things that I want to do: travel, help, and give. But when I’m being real with myself, I know that someday soon I will have to stop working so hard to help other people like my family and High Point friends and figure out how to help myself more and prepare for my future and for Zion’s future. I have a lot of responsibility, and when I’m being real with myself it’s hard to deal with sometimes. I feel like I’m behind the starting line. I’m behind before I even begin.

  I always write in a little notebook that I keep with me, “When you give it shall be given back to you. When you bless others, you are blessed.” I have done that, many, many times over. Now, it’s time to truly bless myself.

  I’m out of things to tell you about my life and I don’t know about your life. I’m just a young girl from a rough background who has had some success. I shared my life with you in the hope that if you see something, like a mistake you’re making in your own life, maybe my story can help you make a change before it’s too late. All I can say to you is the way to be real with other people is being real with yourself. Know that you are a child of God and treat everyone with the same respect that you want, because they are children of God too. Every relationship you have with another person should be sacred. Your relationship with your mother, broth
er, friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend should make you feel good. If it doesn’t make you feel better about yourself, it’s not a good relationship for you. Love and honor your children and your parents. But most of all, promise ’Tasia that you will forgive yourself for whatever you have done, and love every bit of yourself.

  MY MOMENT OF

  FAITH:WHAT I LEARNED

  This is the scripture that I think about every single day before I put my feet on the ground. It gives me strength and peace. It will do the same for you too—just read it. God bless you.

  In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness.

  Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: be thou my strong rock, for an house of defence to save me.

  For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.

  Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: for thou art my strength.

  Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O Lord God of truth.

  I have hated them that regard lying vanities: but I trust in the Lord.

  I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities;

  And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.

  Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.

  For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.

  I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me.

  I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel.

  For I have heard the slander of many: fear was on every side: while they took counsel together against me, they devised to take away my life.

  But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God.

  My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me.

  Make thy face to shine upon thy servant: save me for thy mercies’ sake.

  Let me not be ashamed, O Lord; for I have called upon thee: let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave.

  Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.

  Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!

  Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.

  Blessed be the Lord: for he hath shewed me his marvellous kindness in a strong city.

  For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee.

  O love the Lord, all ye his saints: for the Lord preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer.

  Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.

  PSALMS31: 1–24

  Acknowledgments

  God, I thank You for everything You’ve done for me. Out of all those blessings You have bestowed, God, You keep blessing me. I didn’t do everything right, or cross every “T,” but, in spite of that all, You keep blessing me. I’m not ashamed to tell the world about it, God. You are the pilot of this plane and I am thankful to be able to ride it.

  Now I want to thank my family and for all they have done for me. That isthe Love. Zion, you are always on my mind, and you are the strength when Mama’s tired. To my angel, Diane Barrino, you are my hero and I want to follow in your footsteps. To my father, Joseph Barrino, I love you for being hard on me because it made me the strong person I am today. To my brothers: Rico, Tiny, and Xavier. Being the only girl, it was tough foolin’ with you boys, but I know your love has always got my back. Grandma Addie: you are my strong woman and I love you so much. You are my pastor. To all my busy nieces and nephews, Auntie loves you and prays for you every day.

  To all my friends, and especially my church family, this book is a shout out because it is something we all went through. Jenny, I love you and you are always there for me, and J.B., what up. And to my special friend, # 80, thank you, baby.

  My fans, who I like to call my family. Thank you for the love and support. I hope you see how my struggle made me a strong person and how keeping the faith can do the same for you. It’s made me who I am today.

  Erin, I love you, girl, for never giving up on me. To Ryan Webb and Maya Maraj for all your hard work and dedication to this project, thank you. A special thanks to Simon Fuller, Iain Pirie, Camilla Howarth, Emma Quigley, Zach Duane, Tom Ennis, and the rest of the 19 family. To Gary Greenberg, for standing by me and keeping an eye out. To everyone at CAA, thank you. Love you, Clive Davis, and everyone at J Records. Also, Michael Broussard and Jan Miller at Dupree/ Miller & Associates for your support.

  To my editor, Nancy Hancock, thank you for making my story into a real book. Thank you to the team at Simon & Schuster, especially Sarah Peach, Marcia Burch, Chris Lloreda, and Shida Carr, for their tireless efforts. Finally, thanks to Kim Green, my collaborator, for her skill, encouragement, guidance, and for helping me to tell my story.

  My first photo, the day I came home from the hospital.

  My first musical instrument—my rattle!

  I had some spunk even when I was two.

  The “famous” Barrino Family.

  My first real bling.

  Makin’ it big in High Point, North Carolina, the Furniture Capital of the World.

  The house where it all happened, 511 Montlieu Avenue.

  The Daniel Brooks projects in Charlotte, North Carolina.

  Grandma Addie and Mama’s church, Mercy Outreach Church of Deliverance in Trinity, North Carolina.

  A proud baby mama.

  The man who showed me respect, J.B.

  As soon as you make it on the show, you start posing for “celeb” photos. Look how sweet I look!

  This is the picture that started it all—the first Polaroid of me at theAmerican Idolauditions.

  Getting beautiful backstage.

  Sharin’ my gift.

  Huggin’ up to Ryan.

  Hangin’ with the girls backstage—La Toya, Diana, Jasmine, and a member of the production team.

  It starts to seem real in the final three.

  Singing to win, reaching to God with the choir behind me.

  I can taste it now!

  The moment my dreams came true.

  Cheesin’ to the camera like an Idol with Daddy and Zion.

  Four generations of Barrino women.

  Celebratin’ the win with my daughter, my brothers, and my friends.

  My miracle house. Look how far I’ve come!

  Everyone wants to congratulate me on my win. Even the UPS man wants a hug!

  I’m in trouble! Zion showing off her ’Tasia attitude.