by Natasja Eby
“That was Adrian’s idea,” I mumble before going back to my eggs.
“Yeah,” he says, grabbing a piece of bacon from my plate. “I figure, after a long night of delivering presents, who better for Santa to come home to than his lovely, cookie-baking wife? So, we’re doing a short routine together.”
“That’s so cute,” Zara says in a gooey voice.
It was cute when we first came up with it. But when Adrian describes it that way, it makes my stomach flutter to think about him coming home to me on Christmas Eve. Which, of course, is ridiculous since we’re not the Clauses.
“It’s such a great routine, too,” Adrian says in a soft, proud voice.
Zara smiles at him and Red does, too, but in a more subtle way.
“What do you still need help with?” Zara asks. “Choreography? Costumes? Performers? Oh! I’m great with corralling kids.”
I laugh at her enthusiasm. “The choreography and costumes are all taken care of. Although, once I see what you two are capable of, I can add in whatever we like to that. I will take you up on that last one, though. Some of those kids still can’t skate in a straight line.”
“Who needs straight lines when you’ve got Santa and baby Jesus?” Red asks.
Zara goes to smack him again, but Adrian starts snickering. That gets Red laughing, too, and soon we’re all laughing. I guess Adrian and Red are closer than Adrian thought they were.
***
Adrian, Red, and Zara meet me in the afternoon at the Community Centre. They’re a little late for the rehearsal, which Zara meekly explains is her fault. She wanted to take pictures. And understandably so. Christmastown, quite literally, lights up at this time of year.
“There’s just so much to see in this town,” Zara says, her dark eyes wide and bright.
“I counted while we were driving,” Adrian says. “I found thirty-four references to baby Jesus—not even full-grown Jesus—fifty-two references to Santa, sixteen references to Hanukkah, and five references to Diwali. Seems to me we might need to change the town’s name.”
“You bite your tongue,” I say, more seriously than I think he was expecting. No one messes with Christmastown. “Go get your skates on. The kids are waiting for Santa.”
He smiles and dashes over to the change rooms. While they’re getting ready, I tell the kids to set up for the big Santa routine. It involves a throne-like chair that Santa sits in. Marie has had it hidden away since last year so Adrian hasn’t seen it yet.
When he comes back to the rink and sees it, his eyes widen.
“Wow, you guys,” he says as he skates over to it. “Is this for me?”
He puts his hand on the red velvet arm, running his hand up the back to the golden frame. Before waiting for an answer, he hops into it, patting the arms decisively.
He slouches down, slings his leg over one of the arms, and snaps his fingers. “Elves! Let’s get to work!”
I can’t help but giggle at his silliness. We get the kids playing elves into position and then I stand back while Marie directs them. Red and Zara stay close by to watch.
“This is the beginning of the pageant,” I say quietly to them. “Santa watches his elves work—or in this case, do some skating moves around the rink. Each elf has their own job and therefore their own mini-routine. The last littlest elf will take Santa’s bag to him.”
We watch as each of the kids does their own moves in turn. During the show, there will be a spotlight on each of them. Once the bag has been brought to Adrian, he gets up and hefts it onto his shoulder.
“That’s the end of the first routine,” I say. “So now I’m going to go out and do a routine where I’m an angel, bringing good news to Mary and Joseph.”
Red cocks an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything this time. We move the chair off the ice so Lilac and Drew can get into place. I thought Lilac would complain about being paired with Drew, since he’s a bit younger than her, but she doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, she takes her role as Mary very seriously.
This routine is set to the song “Mary Did You Know?” and it’s mostly focused on me, but also has Lilac and Drew doing a nice couple’s routine. When I hold my pose to watch them dance, my heart fills with pride. I taught them most of the moves they’re doing and they look so beautiful and poised together.
When I’m finished, we take a little break. I go back to Red and Zara. “So there are the first routines.”
“They’re both so cute,” Zara says, her eyes sparkling. “What’s next?”
“Well...” I look over my shoulder, where I see Adrian still skating around. He looks like he’s practicing some of his moves. “Next some of the kids are doing special routines to selections from ‘The Nutcracker.’ After that, Santa takes his gifts to the children.” I glance up at Red. “You’re going to think this is really weird, but all the kids are awake and they each have their own mini-routines with Santa.”
Red rolls his eyes but there’s a smile on his face. “Okay, so the mystery is totally gone.”
“Yes,” I say. “Oh! Do you guys want to be reindeer? You could pull Adrian around the ice.”
“What?” Red says, looking totally unimpressed.
“Oh, and we could wear antlers!” Zara claps her hands together, while I’m already trying to remember whether we’d have any working costumes for that.
Red rolls his eyes again with a loud sigh as Adrian comes over to us.
“What’s up?” Adrian says.
“I found you some reindeer,” I say excitedly.
His face cracks into a grin and he looks like he wants to laugh, but he doesn’t. “I bet that one store would have something great in turquoise or fuchsia.”
I burst out laughing. “No, we’re not doing that. I’ll get some reins.”
“Oh, that’s not...” Red says, but his sentence trails off as I creep away as quickly as my skates will allow.
I sit and take my skates off so I can go to the storage room. I’m sure there’s something in here that’ll work… Aha, I knew we had some rein-like ropes in here. When I get back to the ice, the kids are doing their Nutcracker routine.
“Here are the reins,” I say, holding up the rope.
“I was hoping for something shinier,” Zara says.
“We can go shopping later,” I say. Her eyes light up with her smile. I think I’ll really like having her around.
Once it’s their turn, Adrian takes Red and Zara out to the ice. They both look like they’re competent skaters. Maybe I could give them some simple moves to spice up this part.
In all honesty, this is my favourite part of the show and that’s mostly due to Adrian. It’s so cute when he stops at each kid’s “house” and they tiptoe over to him. With a huge smile, he does a unique routine with each of them. Some of them have lifts, some of them spin, and he even does a Russian-style dance with one of the boys.
Then there’s the whole thing with Santa visiting Mary and Joseph. Lilac really takes her role seriously as she proudly shows Santa her “baby.” Adrian kneels, bows his head for a moment, and then leaves them with the last brightly wrapped gift from his bag.
When the dances are done and Red and Zara take Adrian “home,” my heart flutters nervously. It’s my turn to dance with Adrian. My turn to look beautiful, and poised, and cute. Adrian turns to me with one hand held out.
I skate out to him and wait for “Greensleeves” to start up. As soon as it does, he takes my hands and pulls me close to him, just like he’s supposed to do. And I’m supposed to do a bunch of moves that I can’t remember because he’s so distracting.
All I can focus on is Adrian’s strong, warm hands, his intense gaze as he leads us around the rink, how he looks so much more like a skater than when I first met him.
He twirls me around and I miss my next step. Instead I skate right into his broad chest. He grabs my upper arms before I fall and smiles down at me. I’m caught in his gaze again, like there’s nothing else in the world to look at. Is he going to kiss
me? I want him to but also don’t and that’s too confusing.
“I need a break,” I whisper to him.
A look of disappointment crosses his face as he lets me go. I see his arms sag right before I turn around to go...anywhere but this ice rink.
CHAPTER Twenty-one
Brooke
I sit in an empty change room, my heart thudding hard. What is wrong with me? There’s no reason I should be so jittery and torn up and losing my balance over some boy.
But Adrian isn’t some boy. He’s a guy who isn’t afraid to show me his true colours or see mine. He’s a man I’m starting lo—
No. If I let myself feel that way, I’m going to lose him like I’ve lost everything else that I’ve ever loved. Plus he deserves so much better than what I can offer him.
I brood for so long that the rehearsal ends and a bunch of little girls come in to get changed. They tell me how pretty I looked dancing and gush over my routine with Adrian. I try to smile at their enthusiasm. I don’t have the heart to tell them how disappointing life is sometimes.
Like a storm rolling in, they get out of their skates and workout clothes. The conversation never ends as they redress in a flurry, their young, naive voices grating further on my nerves. I was once like them, but not anymore. Now I’m just...the girl who helps them figure out their moves and sometimes does her own.
Once they’re all gone, I pack my stuff in my bag and head out. As I walk down the hall, I hear the sound of a soothing voice in one of the side practice rooms. I’m pretty sure it’s Zara, saying, “Wow, great job! That was nearly perfect.”
Curiosity gets the better of me. When I poke my head inside the room, I see Adrian has lifted Zara high into the air. Gently, he lowers her into a cradle before putting her down. Red’s leaning against a wall, watching them. He’s not quite smiling but he’s not unhappy either. He just seems focused.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
Three pairs of eyes turn to me as I walk farther into the room.
Adrian’s face flushes a little and he says, “Zara offered to teach me a couple of lifts.”
“We’ve done these ones on the ice before,” Red says. “They’re easy. If you felt like trying them.”
“I see.” I pin Adrian with a stare and the red in his cheeks deepens.
“I can do it,” he says, motioning to Zara.
“So, you’ve told me many times,” I say, eyeing Zara’s lean form.
“It doesn’t work if there isn’t trust between dance partners,” Zara says softly. And even though she doesn’t specifically say so, I know it was said for me. “Um, I think I’ll take another lap around the rink.”
“Right behind you,” Red says, practically running out of the room.
Once they’re gone, I put my hands up and say, “It’s not that I don’t trust you.”
Adrian shrugs. “I wasn’t the one that said that.”
He starts to leave the room, too, so I put out my hand and catch his elbow. “Adrian,” I say softly.
His sad brown eyes meet mine. “Yes?”
“The pageant is in two weeks. We don’t have the time for all of this.” I wave my hand at the room.
“We also don’t have the time for you to randomly split in the middle of our routine.” Now he sounds more than a little irritated.
“I know, okay?” I say, my tone rising to match his.
His face softens and he says, “Do you want to try again? Without everyone watching?”
I nod. “Alright. But if you want to try something new, we’ll have to just figure it out on the ice.”
He grins but I’m not done yet.
“And you’re going to have to work really hard, you know?” I say, since I’m not the only one who’s been missing practices. “Especially since you haven’t been here in a few days.”
His smile falls and he steps closer to me, taking my hand. “I’m sorry. I...haven’t been feeling well lately.”
“You don’t have to lie to me,” I say, pulling my hand away from him.
“I’m not lying,” he says softly. “I didn’t mean I was sick. I...” He lets out a long sigh as he shoves his hand through his hair. “I think you misunderstood me the other day. Just because I said I could go home early doesn’t mean that I necessarily want to.”
My stomach flutters. “Oh.”
“Yeah, oh,” he says impatiently. “Can we just finish our routine and talk about this later?”
I nod. “Okay. Let’s...see what lifts we can pull off.”
He smiles. “That’s better.”
When we go back to the ice, Red and Zara are taking advantage of the empty rink by skating hand in hand. He’s smiling in a way I haven’t seen yet as he pulls on her hand in just the right way to make her turn to face him. He puts up his arms in perfect form for a waltz, making me wonder if I should have given them a better role than just reindeer.
“You didn’t tell me your friends were so pretty,” I say under my breath.
Adrian’s mouth gapes open as he watches them. “I didn’t know they were, to be honest. Red is...or was kind of a bully back in the day. I guess he’s grown up.”
I watch them for a moment longer, wondering how someone who’s so gentle with his dance partner could have ever been a bully. Or a boxer for that matter.
“Shall we?” Adrian says, pulling me from my thoughts.
He holds out his hand towards me, an earnest look in his eyes, though he’s still not quite smiling. I put my hand in his and let him lead me out onto the ice. Without a bunch of eyes on us, it’s way easier to relax and let myself actually enjoy the routine we choreographed together.
I lean into what’s supposed to be a spin and Adrian stops me. “What about right here?” he says. “I can lift you and do the spin while setting you back down.”
When I hesitate, Adrian sighs and looks around the rink. He gestures to where Red and Zara have stopped skating and says, “I know I don’t look like that guy, but trust me. I can do it.”
I glance at Red quickly and then back at Adrian. I’d rather look at Adrian for the rest of my life, but I know that’s not what he meant.
“Okay,” I whisper.
We do the move that comes before the spin and at the right moment, Adrian takes my waist and lifts me into the air. I brace my hands on his shoulders as he spins in place, slowly lowering me back down.
“See?” he says with a little smile. “Not so bad.”
I open my mouth to blurt out how much I love him, but mercifully another voice cuts me off.
“My, that was magnifique!” Marie shouts as she skates towards us.
“I didn’t know you were still here,” I say in a shaky voice.
“I don’t leave ’til all my skaters do,” she says with a smile. “Brooke, it’s great to see you doing so well and having fun. Everyone will be so happy to see you skate again.”
My heart sinks into my stomach. Everyone? As in, all the people who watched me rise to the top only to fall miserably to the bottom?
***
The next week flies by in a blur of activity. On top of all the extra practices, there are the costumes. I had promised Marie I’d help make sure each kid had a costume and that they were fitted correctly.
We also decided to work in an extra routine for Red and Zara. Despite his seemingly gruff nature, Red knows how to put on a decent show. It’s also clear how much he loves dancing with Zara and how much she adores him. They make an awfully cute pair of reindeer.
Adrian and I also manage to work more lifts into our routine, small ones I feel comfortable with. He seems like he’s having a blast, but my heart is pulling apart in two different directions.
On the one hand, I’ve loved skating my whole life. It’s the only thing I’ve ever known. Most of my early memories are of me on this very rink, and most of my happiest memories are here, too.
But now some of my memories are tainted by obsessive desire, a darkness I couldn’t overcome. Skating became my everything
until it was me, and then it overtook me. I let it become too big in my life to the point where I would do anything for it. I was skating’s slave.
Now I don’t know where that leaves me. Do I stick this out and keep skating for fun, just to support a pageant that was long ago buried in those happy memories? Should I try to go the competitive route again and hope it won’t ruin me?
The more we work on the pageant, the more I start to dread it. I can’t shake Marie’s words. Everyone will be happy to see me skate. As if everyone is holding their breath, waiting to see if I’ll try to cheat again or if I’m any good without the help of drugs. Is that what everyone is really waiting for?
Our show is two days away and I wish I could skip it entirely. I can’t settle these nerves in my stomach. They eat at me while my appetite withers away. I can’t handle the tension anymore. I briefly consider calling Rosa and maybe talking to her about it, but I don’t want to bother her. And I can’t talk to Adrian—he’ll just try to convince me to keep skating with him.
A plan forms in my mind. I start stuffing a backpack with clothes. Something to get me through the next few days. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m sure I can get far enough that no one will find me in time. If I give up on skating one more time, maybe everyone will assume I’m really done and not try to push me anymore. Maybe that will fix me.
Quietly, I slip downstairs and grab my car keys. Even if Mom hears me, she’ll probably assume I’m going for another rehearsal. But not this time. There will be no more rehearsals for me.
Taking my bags with me, I go out the front door. With only one backwards glance at the pretty wreath on it, I head to my car. I hope Mom won’t be too disappointed. I’ll come back sometime. Maybe when the snow’s gone.
As I drive away from town, my heart pounds. Guilt eats away at me as snow flies straight into my windshield. Ugh, why does it have to be storming on the day I decided to run away? That’s just another thing I really don’t need.
I turn the wiper speed up and try to convince myself that no one will miss me. No one will look for me or wonder how they’ll fill in my role in the pageant. They’ll be glad their dead weight is gone.