Siri, Who Am I?

by Sam Tschida

  The post is time-stamped at 11:03 p.m. on Tuesday. I was admitted to the hospital not long after that.

  Suddenly, I’m super weirded out. If JP had been there, why didn’t he know about the head injury? Why didn’t he follow me to the hospital? Why did I wake up alone? You don’t just watch your girlfriend bash her head on an ice sculpture and then go to Switzerland to get clarity on a fight you had before the party. It’s a damning photograph. If the trial attorney showed this to the jury, they would deliberate for all of five minutes and send JP to prison for five years, of which he would serve six months maximum because, let’s face it, he’s a billionaire.

  I can’t think of a good reason for him to pretend he didn’t know about my injury. Was he hoping to come back from Switzerland and find me dead?

  A chill runs up my spine. I do the first thing that comes to mind. I text Max.

  Can you talk? You might have been right about JP.

  He responds right away: RU OK?

  Yes. In fact, I left JP’s this morning.

  I see three dots appear and then disappear.

  Going to stay with Crystal tonight. Idk.

  I wait a beat, hoping he’ll offer to put me up now that I’m not with JP anymore. He doesn’t take the bait.

  Glad ur safe. If you need me 4Realz let me know.

  Wow, I really expected him to jump for joy that I wasn’t with JP anymore. Instead I get a glad ur safe like he’s my dad or something? He still hasn’t liked our Instagram couple pic and I’m pretty sure he’s seen it by now. For some reason I feel worse about that than about the very real possibility that JP tried to kill me. Crushed, in fact.

  * * *

  I’m lucky that Crystal doesn’t turn me down when I ask to stay with her—she’s still riding high from Kobra’s arrest. On the bus to her house,68 I explain that JP might’ve tried to kill me. “It must have been him. We had a fight in the car on the way to that art gala about GoldRush. Then, we were at the party eating appetizers probably moments before I was injured.” She nods to show she’s listening, and I hit her with the clincher. “Then, he left the party by himself, went to Switzerland for a few days, and has been acting like he didn’t know it happened. It must have been him.”

  Crystal is quiet.

  “He probably thought I was dead and ran. When he didn’t see my death recorded in the papers, he probably texted me to see if I was alive. When I answered, he had to act like everything was totally fine and that he missed me. Ugh, what a psychopath!”

  Crystal murmurs something.

  “I should probably call the police. Now that I’ve helped them catch Kobra, they owe me.” How conveniently I’ve forgotten the whole check fraud business.

  Crystal is dead silent.

  “I was really hoping that Kobra did it. That would have been so easy. I’m not in love with JP, but I don’t want to send him to jail. I don’t want to think I was in an abusive relationship. But it can happen to anyone, I guess.”

  Crystal murmurs again. “It wasn’t JP.”

  “What?” I turn the full force of my attention on her. “Did you see something?”

  “JP wasn’t there when you fell. He’d already left.”

  “How do you know that?” My jaw drops. “You were there? I had a memory of you storming in, but I wasn’t sure if it was real or if I was conflating it with something else. How come you didn’t say anything?”

  She shuts her eyes and I’m pretty sure she’s saying a prayer. “I was so mad at you about setting me up with Kobra…I left his place and went straight to the museum.”

  As she’s talking, I cut back to my memory of the party.

  I’m standing by the sushi table and I hear a woman yelling. “Mia, where are you, bitch?”

  I set down my plate of sushi rolls and stare in the direction of the yelling. It’s Crystal, dressed for the club, coming around the corner.

  “Crystal?” I don’t expect to see her. I don’t know why she’s here. I’m here to support my mom and that’s it.

  “You just set me up with a drug dealer. Not even a low-level guy. A fucking kingpin!”

  My hand flies to my mouth. “No, he’s in international ship—” As the words come out of my mouth I realize that he’s not even trying to hide it. He’s probably shipping teddy bears stuffed with meth to Australia and Thailand.

  “Oh, you knew. How could you not?”

  “I didn’t. I was stupid.”

  “You know I’m trying to get away from that lifestyle,” she says. “I want someone who can be a good dad to Kai, not some fucking insane meth head tatted up with Bible verses and snakes.”

  “I’m so sorry, Crystal. I can make this right.”

  She glares angrily at me. “Don’t even try.”

  “No, really, I screwed up, but we can find someone good.” I gesture to the crowd. “Maybe at this party.”

  I click on the camera app of my phone and move over, closer to Crystal. “You look so cute tonight. Let’s just take a selfie for Insta. I’ll get you someone better.”

  “Don’t, Mia.”

  As I reach to put my arm around her shoulder and smile into the camera, she recoils hard and shoves me. “I said no! I’m pissed.”

  Crystal pushed me?

  “I’m sorry, Mia. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she says. “I mean, I pushed you, but…I don’t know what happened. You lost your balance and you fell right into that sculpture.”

  I can’t even focus on her feelings. I just relived a near-death experience. Some smelling salts and a fainting couch might be nice right about now, but we’re on the bus. The driver hits the brakes and we slow to a stop, and someone gets on and sits next to me.

  “God, I hate the bus at night. So many weirdos out,” he says.

  I turn away from him but Crystal is on my other side, so I stand and hold onto a pole.

  Crystal is still telling me she’s sorry. “It was an accident, I swear.”

  I want everyone to shut up for a minute so I can figure out what to think.

  Crystal pushed me. JP left the country to get away from me. My mom told me to back the fuck away and respect her boundaries. Not her words, but that’s what she meant. Everyone hated me.

  I move to an open seat and shut my eyes for the rest of the bus ride. Should I find somewhere else to stay for the night? It’s probably weird to stay with Crystal after she just admitted that she shoved me into a sculpture of Cupid so hard that I lost my memory.

  She’s sitting across from me now, crying. “I’m so sorry, Mia. It was an accident. I didn’t know how bad it was because I ran. I didn’t even know you went to the hospital.”

  I should be furious with her, but somehow I’m not. From where I’m sitting now I can see that I sort of deserved it. I didn’t deserve to end up in the hospital, but she didn’t deserve to go on a date with a violent creep and watch a guy die.

  “It’s okay, Crystal.” It’s probably weird to console someone who almost killed you and took all of your memories. Even I know this in the moment, but I can’t just watch her cry without saying anything. “I’m sorry, too. I lost sight of things before. I never should have sent you to Kobra’s house. I should have known better.” I shake my head just thinking of it. “The tattoos alone.”

  When I think of it, Crystal saved my life. Sure, I’m broke and have no man and an uncertain future, but now I can finally live with myself.

  I take her hand. “We all make mistakes.”

  * * *

  We get off at her bus stop, exhausted but okay. Crystal’s mom lives in a third-floor walk-up, the same place Jules picked her up from on Sunday, which was yesterday but feels like a lifetime ago. We climb a few flights of stairs to her apartment. All the lights are off except for a nightlight in the hall and one light over the cooktop. The smell of dinner lingers in the air, hamburgers maybe. Aft
er she checks on Kai, who is peacefully sleeping in a Pack ’n Play, she tiptoes into her mom’s room and emerges with a few blankets. The apartment has two bedrooms, a bathroom, a galley kitchen, and a living room. “You can take the couch. I’m in the room with Kai.”

  “Thanks.” I’m so grateful to have somewhere to be. As soon as I get my finances straightened out, I’m going to get my own place. “You want to get a place together?” I ask her, “You know, after I get the money from the new guys who signed up?”69

  “Maybe,” she says.

  I assume her hesitation is financial and not due to the fact that she nearly killed me.70 “I’ll cut you in for a bigger share of the profits. I would rather run GoldRush together.” Even though I’ve been struggling, it really is one of the hottest new businesses in SoCal. “We’re going to make good money, which reminds me.” I pull out the Crown Royal bag. “I owe you ten grand.”

  She takes the money and her eyes well up with tears. “Holy shit. I was wondering why you were carrying a bottle of booze around with you like some weird lush.”

  “It’s Kobra’s money from your first date. I said I would pay you, and I meant it.”

  “Are you serious about working together?”

  “I need someone I can trust, someone who will shove me into an ice block if I get mixed up with any drug kingpins again.”

  She starts laughing through her tears “That would be amazing.”

  Then she gives me a once-over. “Are you gonna change?” she asks.

  I nod. “I mean, I’m trying to. I’ve already put a lot of work in!”

  She laughs. “Bitch, that’s not what I meant. I’m not letting you wear that raggedy dress one more minute.”

  I laugh. “I think I’m ready to say good-bye to it, too.”

  “You don’t have anything to wear, do you?”

  “Just this.” I really got my money’s worth.

  She heads to her closet and gets a pair of sweatpants, a T-shirt, and cozy socks. I change in front of her and she gives me an approving nod. I’ve never felt so happy to wear sweatpants in my life. She heads to bed and I sit on her couch, wrapped in clean, comfy clothes. I pull up Instagram and see more comments than I can read. Lots of congratulations on finding my mom, some questions about where the hell we are, and more.

  The shot of Crystal and me at the club is probably the most popular thing I’ve ever posted. The shot is only from the shoulders up, but we look like Charlie’s Angels.

  Max liked it, and it makes me smile.

  Tomorrow, I’m going to track him down.

  68 She had to pay because LA Metro doesn’t break hundreds.

  69 I spent the last week looking for the person who tried to kill me. Now that I found her I want to be her roommate. This is Leo or Scorpio behavior.

  70 Pretty sure she’s a Virgo.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  First thing the next morning, I post a pic of @BlackEinstein314 and @Mia4Realz at L’Empire Tacos, the taco truck with the longest line ever. Maybe it was only three days ago, but it feels like a lifetime. It’s the dumbest pic from that photo sesh, a selfie gone totally wrong. You can see part of the food truck, my thumb, and Max just about to take a bite of a taco.

  Max, meet me at 8pm at that taco truck where the line is too long and they don’t have the kind of salsa you like. I’m ready to live up to my Insta name.

  The post immediately gets a ton of likes, though the comments are varied.

  DO IT MAX!

  SHE CUTE MAX!

  Good luck Mia4Realz. You’ll need it. (This one’s from Fay.)

  Stop stalking that man! (This one’s from Crystal standing ten feet away from me. I flag for discussion in the kitchen.)

  So many heart emojis!

  What you need a white girl for, Max?

  Maybe I should have waited a few more days to let him cool off, but there it is. I’ve played my hand. I want Max. I think he wants me. All day today, I’ll try to look casual and trustworthy, just in case he’s watching.

  Feeling dreamy, I wander into the kitchen. Crystal’s mom is making breakfast and the smell of sausage fills the whole apartment. With her mom cooking and me wearing one of Crystal’s old basketball T-shirts, it really feels like we’re having a high school sleepover or something. “You must be Mia. Would you like some sausage?” Crystal’s mom asks.

  “Nice to meet you, and thank you so much for letting me sleep on your couch last night. But no sausage for me. I’m a vegetarian.” #Brenda.

  I zero in on Crystal. “What’s with the cyberstalking comment?”

  “OMG, girl. All the posts, tagging him all over the damn place. It’s like you’re Beyoncé asking him out with 150 backup dancers. Plus you got haters.”

  She doesn’t understand. “I’m risking public ridicule. It’s JumboTron-sized love. It means more that way.”

  “The dude is a lab geek and you’re screaming from the rooftops after knowing him for five days.” She gives me a hard, soul-searching look. “And girl, you still got stitches in your damn head.”

  “Uhhhh…” She has some good points.

  “Just try not to scare him, Mia. You’re kind of an intense person, in case you haven’t figured that out already.”

  I exhale and accept her wisdom. Don’t scare Max, don’t scare Max, don’t scare Max.

  Crystal hands me Kai. “Will you give him a bottle while I eat?”

  I hold him like a bomb, which confirms my suspicion that I have no experience with children. Crystal laughs at me. “My God. Relax.”

  I look into his fat, adorable baby face. “He’s so cute…but I’m never having kids.”

  “Yeah you will.”

  “You think I’m maternal?” Maybe Crystal sees something in me that I don’t see in myself.

  “No, I just don’t think you’re that good at birth control.”

  “You have a point. I don’t even know if I’m on it.” Bad sex with JP flashes through my mind and I cross my fingers that I have an IUD or am naturally infertile.

  Crystal gives me a look and I backtrack. “Not that a baby is the end. Babies are the beginning…” #not.

  She shakes her head. “You just have to be woman enough to handle it.” I think she’s trying to convince herself with that statement but I give her a big “Whoop whoop, you go girl” kind of reaction.

  In the interest of looking like I’m not spending all day obsessing about Max, I post a pic of all of us in the messy kitchen. Crystal looks like she’s going to try to kill me a second time (that joke is never going to get old) and Kai looks angry.

  “Hey, do you have to work this morning? Because I have a proposal.” I wait for her to respond.

  She looks up from preparing more bottles for Kai. The planning it takes to be a mom. Geez. “What’s that?”

  “Let’s go shopping. My treat.” After paying Crystal, I have twenty-five grand left in the Crown Royal bag. About another ten needs to go to the bank, and I owe Max for his “work,” but I definitely have enough for new clothes. I’ve been wearing the same dress since I left the hospital. It’s done good, but it’s time to retire it.

  After washing a couple of dishes, Crystal says, “Shopping sounds great. I have the day off. Actually, I have all the days off. I just quit Walmart, so we better get GoldRush off the ground for real.”

  I squeal and Crystal pretends to look exasperated.

  Crystal’s mom leaves the kitchen, muttering something about loud vegetarians.

  * * *

  Crystal bundles a sleeping Kai in a BabyBjörn and we ride the bus to the mall. We immediately buy lattes and take a selfie with them. Did you really have a coffee if you didn’t post it online? I might be Mia 2.0, but some things haven’t changed.

  Crystal looks at it and says, “Um, how about a filter. That zit
on my chin is…”

  “Nope. This is Project Honesty. I’m changing my life completely. No filters. No lies.”

  Finally getting some new clothes. Good-bye yellow dress!

  Max likes that one right away.

  He’s thinking about me. He’s following along.

  Crystal rolls her eyes. “You’ve got it bad, girl.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  This shopping experience is much better than our last. Crystal doesn’t storm out of the dressing room and put her Walmart uniform back on. “I’m glad to be rid of the damn thing!” she says.

  “What store is the most me?” I ask Crystal. “I want to start life over as my true self.”

  “I liked that yellow dress. At least, I did a week ago.’ ”

  “You’re right. I’ll just get a new one. It’ll be my uniform, like I’m an adult Dora the Explorer.”

  Forever 21 turns out to be the ticket. They’re all knockoff red carpet looks at a fraction of the price. What can I say, I might be real, but I’m a knockoff of the original.

  I look for something similar to my beloved yellow Prada gown that falls somewhere between prom and sundress. I buy a whole bag of dresses, T-shirts, and jeans. I take a dressing room selfie. Finally changed clothes! Smell and look better.

  Max likes it.

  Crystal only buys clothes that go with four-inch heels and false eyelashes because that’s the real her.

  Standing in the middle of the mall, next to an obligatory fountain, I look into Crystal’s eyes, madman-level intense—I can feel it. This is my yippee ki-yay, motherfucker moment. My voice cold as steel, I say, “This shopping spree ain’t over yet, baby.”