Nick

by Brittany Dreams

  When morning comes, I have one mission. I might not be able to do anything right now about Tania, but I know there is one thing I can do.

  Louise still lives at the same apartment.

  She answers on the first ring, looking surprised to see me.

  “Hi,” she says with one of her sweet smiles.

  I’m doing my best to keep my cool here. This stunt she’s pulled has twisted things up in a way I never saw coming.

  I wasn’t clear enough when last we spoke so I’m here to elaborate on what I mean by “moved on.”

  So when I don’t return her smile, I know she gets that this isn’t perhaps the visit she was expecting.

  “You saw Tania the other day,” I state, cutting past the bullshit pleasantries.

  She sighs. “Oh, yes. I saw her. What? Did she tell you what I said? Is that why you’re here?”

  “Yes, that’s why I’m here. Louise, I don’t know where you get off interfering with my life. You left. You closed the door, and I made it clear that I moved on, and you think it’s okay to tell my girlfriend that you’re fighting for me?” It’s because she thinks the sun shines from her ass. That’s her problem. She thinks she can do whatever she wants because she’s Louise Friedman.

  “Nick, you proposed to me.”

  “And you left. We’re done. I mean that. I don’t want you doing things like this to me ever again!” I fume. “I was nothing to you all this time. Then I get with the person I want to be with, and you do this to me.”

  “You’re seriously picking her over me?” she gives me an incredulous glare, like she really can’t believe it. She seriously thinks she calls the shots.

  “Yes, now please just leave it here. There’s nothing to fight for. Don’t look for me again.” That is a loud enough message for her, signaling we’re done.

  I turn and walk away from her.

  I hope this time she won’t take it to mean she should continue her pursuit.

  I did this whether Tania comes back to me or not.

  As for where Tania and I are right now, I feel it’s basically back to square one. Not even to where we were weeks ago. It’s more like it’s years ago.

  It’s like I’m eighteen again. It’s like I’m that guy about to head off for college and leave my beautiful best friend. I’m that guy who’s still waiting for an answer from the girl he wanted to be his.

  The ball is in her court.

  I’m already where I want to be in my heart. There at the end of the game, loving her, waiting and wondering.

  The ball’s in her court, and I hope she can move past whatever obstacles she’s now placed in her mind.

  There’s nothing more I can do.

  Tania

  “Are we seriously looking for something, and we don’t know what it looks like?” Tamar fumes.

  I cut her a crude glance and ignore the question.

  I’m grateful for the help but I’m a mess inside.

  We’re in the attic at Mom’s house and they’re both helping me look for a note I know we probably won’t find. Nick’s note.

  I’m here trying to find it and they’re here helping me look. I called in the cavalry.

  Mom’s inside the attic bringing down my old stuff to my room. It’s easier to sort it that way because she has a lot stored up there, and there’s space to move around.

  “Tania,” Tamar prods.

  “Please, can you just look? I think it might be in an envelope,” I tell her, and she shakes her head at me in dismay.

  “Or it could be an actual note like a piece of paper.”

  Yes. It could be that indeed, and I know how crazy this is, and I’ve dragged my mother and sister away from their plans on a Saturday to be crazy with me.

  I told them what’s happening and they’re here like they always are because they always try to help me. I’m the youngest and if I ask them to follow me to Timbuktu to get a straw, they would do it. So it’s for me to not be a jerk and take advantage of their kindness the way I am.

  Mom comes back into the room with a box.

  “Right, if it’s not in any of this stuff then it’s not here,” Mom says, setting the box down on my little bed in the corner. Mom kept my room the same. I think my diary got moved and the note fell out because I’ve looked in the diary searching through the thing like it has some secret pocket in there.

  “Thanks, Mom,” I tell her.

  “Mom, this is ridiculous. We’re going to be here all day,” Tamar complains and looks over the rows of boxes containing all my stuff. It’s everything I didn’t take when I moved out. I just hope that Nick’s note isn’t part of the massive haul of things I threw away.

  “Sweetie, do me a favor and keep looking,” Mom says to her. Tamar nods with reluctance, and Mom looks to me. “You come here.” She crooks her finger at me and walks back out the door. I follow, and we go into the little room we used as a study.

  She takes hold of my shoulders and ushers me to the little wooden chair.

  I sit and stare at her. I expected this. She’s going to talk to me and hand me some wisdom that I won’t know how to handle.

  “Tania, what is this?” she asks. “We’ve been looking for a note that was lost over ten years ago. It was lost when you still lived here. Or, honey, you could have lost it at your father’s. The point is it’s lost, but your relationship isn’t. What does it matter if you find the note or not?”

  I bring my hands together and wince. It’s all completely irrational

  and stupid. It’s just that…

  I want to see it. I want to read the note. I want to get it, to have received it.

  It was something I missed out on. I was sixteen when he wrote it. Sixteen and so in love with him. It would have meant everything to me to have gotten it.

  Something that could have changed the course of what Nick and I were a long time ago.

  “It doesn’t. I just can’t believe he did that and I never saw it. Can you imagine how disappointed he must have been when we next saw each other and he thought I didn’t want him?”

  She reaches forward and takes my hands. “Tania, he’s disappointed now. From all that you’ve told me, I think this whole thing is fruitless. You’re clutching at straws and things to hold on to something concrete you can use as evidence of love when you don’t need to. You don’t realize that boy has been carrying you this whole time, and he’s never disappointed you.”

  Her gaze clings to mine.

  “Sweetheart, we’re here looking for this note we may never find, but I think you’re here because you want to avoid the problem. The problem is that you have to trust Nick.”

  My shoulders slump. I look at my mother, who has been through so much, and think of the logic she’s telling me. I look at her and see strength from everything she’s had to overcome.

  “I trusted Owen, Mom,” I whisper. Of everything that’s happened, I pushed that to the back of my mind. “I don’t want to feel pain like that again. I’m scared Nick will leave me for his ex if he realizes there’s something there that he doesn’t have with me.”

  “I really don’t think that’s going to happen. What I do think is that you have to trust in Nick and what he’s telling you. Fight for what you feel for him. Your father put us through hell, but one thing I promised myself I’d never do is use his sins to cloud my judgment when it came to someone else,” she explains. “Yes, I’ve been careful, and I’m worried the same thing could happen again, but you can’t set things up so that you don’t get hurt. You can’t crush a guy who’s the real deal because you’re scared he’s going to hurt you. Not when that man is supposed to be your best friend.”

  “My best friend,” I whisper, and something clicks.

  Nick… I’ve always had him in my life. He’s always been there and been the friend I needed. He was my friend first, and that means something more than anything. After all, we had that trust you don’t even need to earn because we have it naturally.

  Nick’s my best friend, and
I love him.

  My answer to him would have been yes back then, and it’s still yes now.

  He could have been the playboy, he could have been with many women like Louise, but no matter what, he’s always been true to me.

  Before anybody, there was him for me too.

  He can’t hurt me.

  That’s a fact. He’s never done anything to hurt me, and he can’t hurt me because he never would.

  I stand up and smile.

  “You look better, sweetie,” Mom says.

  “Yeah. I think I’ve been a very foolish woman. Call off the search for the note. I’ll come by tomorrow and put all the boxes back.”

  She chuckles and rises to her feet. “Don’t worry about it. How about I do that? It’s like putting your toys away.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I’ll make it up to you.”

  “And I will think of ways you can do that. Come here,” she says, pulling me in for a hug.

  “Dear Tania, by the time you get this I’ll be at Northwestern, or maybe I’m still on my way there…” Tamar says, and I back out of Mom’s arms. Tamar is holding up a little note in one hand and an envelope in the other. “Maybe this is it?” She smiles.

  “Where did you find it?” I ask, rushing over to her.

  “It was in that last box Mom brought down,” she answers.

  “Thank you so much!”

  She hands it to me. “Well, I’ll leave you to it then.”

  “Me too,” Mom adds, and they both leave me.

  I dive back in, eager to read.

  * * *

  Dear Tania,

  By the time you get this I’ll be at Northwestern, or maybe I’m still on my way there. Knowing you’re writing down something in that diary of yours. That’s why I left this here.

  We’ve been friends forever and I treasure that.

  At the same time I can’t deny that when I look at you I see more.

  I try not to and I hope that doesn’t scare you, but I promised myself that I will be true to my heart when it comes to you. Maybe it’s all hit me because I’m going to be away from you and it will be awhile before we see each other again.

  The truth is I do want more.

  When I look at you I feel love deeper than our friendship.

  I want to be that guy for you who makes all your dreams come true.

  I want you to be mine. My girl.

  That’s what I see, but if you don’t see that it’s okay, I’ll still love you.

  If you don’t see that, you don’t have to say anything to me when we next see each other.

  We can just pretend you never read this note and be the friends we’ve always been.

  If you do see the more I see, that we could be, then tell me.

  Don’t be afraid to tell me.

  See you soon.

  Love always,

  Nick

  * * *

  My feet are moving even before I finish.

  I jump in my car and drive to Nick’s place.

  I’ve been a very foolish woman. Not just in recent years.

  It’s from way back when.

  We both had a chance to tell each other how we felt and I never took my chance.

  I’m doing it now and I’m making sure he knows I see more too.

  I’m taking that step to shed the shit from the past and turn over a new leaf.

  One without the influence of thinking about all my father did, and one where I don’t have to find a guy who’s like my best friend.

  I have him.

  I always did, and I don’t give a shit what Louise thinks she’s going to do.

  She can come to me with whatever she wants.

  She can try.

  I jump out of my car and head up the steps to his porch, thankful when I see his truck parked in the driveway.

  I have a key to his place, but I ring the bell.

  He opens the door a few seconds after and gazes on at me anxiously.

  I hold up the note, and he smiles.

  “You found it!”

  “Tamar did.”

  “Tamar?”

  “Yeah, it must have fallen out of my diary or something. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it before. You spent years thinking I saw it and didn’t want you. But I do. It would have been yes then, and it’s yes now,” I tell him, and as I speak, I feel the heaviness of fear lift off my shoulders. All I can think of doing is being true to my heart too. “I want more…more of you and all that we could be. You’d never hurt me.”

  His smile widens, and he steps forward to cup my face. “You just figured that out?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Louise is going to have to fight me to get to you because I’m not letting you go. I love you more than anybody, and she can’t have you because you’re mine.”

  “You’re mine too, Tania.”

  Joy bubbles deep inside me when he pulls me in for a kiss. It’s that kiss again. The one that heats my blood and pulses through my veins. It’s the kiss of dreams and everything he is to me.

  I plan to spend the rest of forever with him.

  Epilogue

  Epilogue: Nick

  * * *

  Eight months later…

  * * *

  I remember being at Abby and Dylan’s wedding earlier in the year.

  I watched Tania walking up the aisle and thought how beautiful she was. I remember what she looked like when she saw me sitting in the congregation. Her face just lit up and sparkled. Her eyes reached out to me, and I allowed myself another fantasy.

  One of her walking up the aisle to me.

  I just saw her do that.

  It’s our wedding day today, and I got the whole vision. Her walking up the aisle, looking at me like I’m the most important thing in the world to her.

  As we take our vows, I’m listening, but I’m thinking of how far we’ve come, where we are now, and where we’ll be.

  Nothing feels better than slipping that ring on her finger and kissing her when the priest declares us man and wife.

  The next thing I savor is dancing with her under the stars on the beach the next evening when we land in Seychelles.

  “Mr. Andrews, this is so beautiful,” she says against my ear. She looks around at the scenery of perfection surrounding us.

  “No more than you, Mrs. Andrews. I’m stuck on you right now, baby,” I answer. “Not even the angels rival your beauty.”

  “I think I’m going to enjoy being your wife far too much.”

  “I think you will, so just enjoy the ride and allow me to spoil you.”

  “As long as I get to spoil you too.” She laughs and stands on her toes to kiss me.

  I kiss her back, showing her she’s everything to me. She spoils me for just being herself. The woman I’ve always wanted.

  I have her now.