by Karen King
They talked about everything. Why hadn’t they talked about the important things, what mattered to them, talked properly about having a family? Why hadn’t she asked Oliver why he didn’t want children instead of running away like that? Or questioned earlier why he kept fobbing her off when she mentioned having a baby?
If only she had come home earlier, had a chance to talk to him. If only she had realised sooner that she wanted a life with Oliver more than she wanted a baby without Oliver. She didn’t want any man’s child; she wanted Oliver’s child. She wanted their family. And if she couldn’t have that, then she would settle for having Oliver in her life. He was enough for her. Why hadn’t she told him that?
She could message and ask him to come back, tell him that she wanted to talk to him.
Or she could go after him.
She shook her head. What was the point of driving all that way only to be hurt all over again? If Oliver had loved her as much as she loved him, he wouldn’t have gone early, would he? He knew she was coming home today; he would have waited, wanted to see her, to try and talk things over. The truth was that he had made up his mind and was wiping Meg out of his life, happy to make a fresh start hundreds of miles away.
She held the jumper to her and sobbed for the love they had once had, and the future she had lost.
42
Meg
* * *
Finally, Meg’s tears dried up and she pulled herself together. It was no good wallowing in self-pity like this; she had to face that her marriage was over. Somehow she had to find the strength to get on with her life.
Settling the bunnies back in their cage so they could sleep, Meg set about doing her washing. Once the machine was whirring away she checked the Party MO calendar to remind herself what parties had been booked. The next one was on 3 January, a party for a six-year-old. She couldn’t let them down at such short notice; she would have to do it herself. It would be so hard without Oliver. Everything was hard without Oliver. The memories of him were everywhere. She would survive though. She had to.
A sudden thought struck her. Oliver had booked the van in for a service over the Christmas holiday. She would have to see to that – and decide if she wanted to carry on with Party MO. Maybe Oliver had left details of the appointment in the glove box, along with the other papers. She went out to the garage, where the yellow van was parked outside, as usual. Seeing the empty space beside it, where Oliver’s hatchback was always parked, brought a lump to her throat. She would never see it there again.
She walked slowly over to the van, looking up at the big, rainbow-coloured letters spelling out ‘Party MO’ across the side of it. She reached up and traced the letters with her fingers, sadness engulfing her. How proud they had both been when they’d bought the van, had it spray-painted to announce their own little business. They had such plans to expand, to organise parties for adults too, and themed events.
What did she do now? Did she keep up Party MO by herself? Or give it up, and her freelance promotions work, sell the van and take a full-time job? Her half of the money from the sale of the house would only be enough for a deposit for a small flat, she was sure, and she would need a regular wage to get a mortgage. Or she could try and buy Oliver’s share of the house and stay here.
She found the details of the appointment for the service – Monday morning – and luckily it was a local garage. Then she went back into the house, determined to work out her finances. She could probably just about scrape together Oliver’s half if she got a lodger, as her mum had suggested, and if he was prepared to accept the deposit money back in instalments – and he might do that seeing as accommodation was included in his new job.
But did she want to stay here? Wouldn’t it be better to make a fresh start? New year, new life.
A life without Oliver.
She blinked back the tears. She was not going to cry. She was going to get on with her life, make a success of it. She didn’t need Oliver. She didn’t need anyone.
She wondered how her mum was doing. She’d had a brief text from her saying that she was on her way to pick Dad up from the hospital. Dad’s mini-stroke had given them all a shock and Mum was determined to save their marriage now. Meg was sure that Dad would be pleased about that, and a big part of her, a selfish part, was pleased too – no one wants to see their parents split up, no matter how old they are. She felt a bit sad though when she remembered how happy her mother had been down in Cornwall, how much she had wanted her freedom. Meg knew the sacrifice her mum was making and hoped that she wouldn’t have to compromise too much. Meg wanted her to be happy. She deserved to be. But then so did Dad.
What about her and Oliver? Didn’t they deserve to be happy too? Should she give up on their marriage so easily? She should phone him, explain how she was going to come back early because she’d had a change of mind, but her dad had been taken to hospital. She picked up her phone to make the call then stopped herself. It was a long way to Cheshire; Oliver could still be driving and the call could distract him. She’d wait until she was sure he had got there.
* * *
The washing had finished now. She walked into the kitchen, took out the wet clothes and put them in the tumble dryer. She’d have to think about making something to eat. She didn’t feel hungry at all but she’d had nothing since breakfast this morning.
Her mind was full of thoughts and regrets, remembering how Oliver was here alone over Christmas. Except he hadn’t been alone, had he? Helen had said that his father had shown up, and they’d both been out drinking all day. But she wondered why Markus had turned up on Christmas Day – probably skint again. He was always having a ‘cash flow’ problem and sometimes messaged Oliver for a loan. He was a selfish man, loud, brash and he talked about himself a lot. Never asked Oliver how he was. Oliver said he’d hardly seen his dad when he was growing up, but that he’d turned up when he was older so he could borrow money off him. It must be awful to have a parent like that.
She stilled, turning her head, catching her breath as she heard a key in the lock and the front door open. Only one other person had a key! Oliver had come back. Had he forgotten something? Did he think she wouldn’t be here yet? She almost ran out into the hall then stopped, her eyes rooted to him as he stood inside the front door, gazing at her. His brown, soulful eyes met hers, held them, and she felt that familiar heady tug at her heart. Time seemed to stand still, it was as if nothing existed except her and Oliver.
‘Did you forget something?’ she asked, her voice sounding high and squeaky even to her ears as she tried so hard to stop herself from running over, flinging her arms around him and telling him that she was sorry and she loved him.
He paused. Then he put his bag down and walked slowly towards her, arms outstretched. ‘You,’ he said softly. ‘I forgot you.’
She stared at him, stunned, unable to move, as he walked closer and closer.
‘I love you, Meg. I don’t want to lose you. If having a child is what it takes to keep you, then let’s do it.’
Finally, she found her voice. ‘I love you too. And you’re enough for me. It doesn’t matter about having a family.’ Her voice broke. ‘I would rather be with you than have a family with someone else. I’m so sorry that I didn’t realise that sooner. I came back early to tell you that but you had gone.’
Then they were in each other’s arms, kissing, caressing, holding each other tight as if they would never let each other go again.
‘It’s not that I don’t want a family, Meg. It’s that I’m scared of being a father. I should have talked to you about it more, tried to explain it to you,’ he said between kisses.
‘And I should have asked you why. I should have known you had your reasons. I was just so hurt. I thought you had lied to me, led me on.’
‘I didn’t mean to. I genuinely kept thinking I would feel different in a year or two but the longer we left it the more scared I became.’ He paused. ‘You said you came back early to tell me you wanted to be with me?’
She raised her hand and touched his cheek with the tips of her fingers. ‘I was coming back home last night, but Dan phoned to say that Dad had a mini-stroke.’ Seeing the panic on Oliver’s face, she added, ‘He’s okay. But I had to go to the hospital instead.’
‘Oh, Meg, that’s awful. I’m so sorry. You must have been so worried! Why didn’t you phone and tell me? I would have come to the hospital too.’
‘It was all such a panic. All I could think of was seeing Dad, hoping he wouldn’t die. Then when we got to the hospital, the doctor said he was fine, no lasting damage, Dan had got him to hospital in time. So, I thought I’d tell you when I saw you today but you’d gone.’
Oliver held her in a big hug and she rested her head on his shoulder, taking in the familiar scent of him, the comfort, the love. ‘How’s your mum? She must have been distraught.’
‘She was. And blaming herself too. She’s decided to go back to Dad. She thinks it’s the stress of leaving him that caused the mini-stroke.’
‘And he’s definitely all right?’
She nodded. ‘Definitely.’ She wound her arms around Oliver’s neck and kissed him, slowly. He responded immediately, his hand going to the back of her head, gently easing it towards him. Gently, she pulled away, his arms still around her, wanting to talk, to explain before they acted on the desires they were obviously both feeling. ‘I’m so glad you came back. I was going to phone you later, tell you that I’d changed my mind and ask you if we could talk.’
‘You were?’ He locked eyes with her and she knew without any doubt that he loved her and that was enough for her. ‘Let’s talk now. Let’s sit down and let me try to explain why I didn’t want children.’
Didn’t? Does the use of the past tense mean that he has changed his mind?
Don’t overthink, Meg. Just listen.
Hand in hand they walked over to the sofa and sat down, still holding hands.
‘Take your time,’ Meg said gently.
Holding her hand tight, gazing ahead as if recalling things from long ago, Oliver slowly explained about his childhood. ‘My mum did her best but she was young, fragile. I realise now that she was probably suffering from depression. She had no one. Her parents split up when she was a child and she was put in care. She told me she was desperate to have a family of her own, a proper home,’ he said softly. ‘When she met my dad she fell for him straight away – he can be a bit of a charmer when he wants to – and he was crazy about her too. They moved in together, then my mum got pregnant and they got married. That’s when things went wrong: Mum struggled to cope with me and my dad was no help.’ His eyes met Meg’s and she could see how much this was hurting him. ‘Dad got fed up of being second best – he told me that himself at Christmas – so he walked out, leaving Mum on her own with me. She tried hard, took so many dead-end jobs, cleaning, waitressing, which destroyed her confidence. She’d been at college, doing a secretarial course, when she fell pregnant with me. I always felt that I’d ruined her life.’
Meg’s heart ached at the pain she saw in his eyes. ‘Of course you didn’t. You were an innocent child.’
‘I realise that, but I knew that if she hadn’t had me, Mum would have had a good career, friends, a social life. Instead she was tied to me, struggling to feed us both.’ His voice cracked a little and he swallowed before continuing. ‘I tried to help her, did as much as I could myself. As soon as I was old enough I got a paper round, cleaned cars, got a Saturday job, helped to keep the house clean and put food on the table. Dad popped in now and again – usually to doss on the sofa for the night or to borrow money – then popped back out again. Mum had a few boyfriends. I didn’t blame her. She was lonely. And most of the time her boyfriends were really nice to me.’
Most of the time. The words sent a chill down Meg’s spine. She wanted to weep for the poor little boy that Oliver had been, feeling a burden to his mum, trying to lighten her load, keeping out of the way if one of her boyfriends hadn’t been nice to him. God, what a childhood. No wonder he wasn’t close to either of his parents, although he clearly had a lot of love for his mother. No wonder he didn’t want children himself. Who could blame him?
‘So, you see, Meg, I have no idea how to be a father. I never had the role models you had, the stable home, the family holidays, the love and security. Mum loved me, I always knew that, and she did her best, but I always felt a burden. And Dad simply didn’t care. He only turns up now when he wants something. I don’t want to do that to a child.’
She pulled him tightly against her, trying to hug away the unhappy memories. ‘If you thought you’d be a good dad, would you want a child?’ she asked gently.
‘Yes, of course. I love kids. I’d love a family, but Meg…’ He looked into her eyes, where she could see the fear. ‘I was so scared I’d mess up. I didn’t want to take the risk.’ He rubbed a hand across his eyes as if wiping away the memories. ‘Children are so vulnerable, Meg. They can’t do anything about their lives; they just have to put up with whatever their parents do until they are old enough to get out. I felt like my parents both wished they hadn’t had me, and I didn’t want to do that to a child of mine.’
Poor Oliver. She had been so lucky that both her parents had always adored both her and Dan, and that they’d grown up feeling secure and loved. Why hadn’t she talked about this with him instead of storming off? She should have known there would be a good reason. How could she have been so stubborn and selfish?
Oliver was smiling at her now. ‘Then, over Christmas I spoke to my parents and they both said – even my dad, can you believe it? – that they love me and have never regretted having me. I was shocked but I really believe they meant it.’
‘Of course they did.’ How could anyone regret having a child? Especially someone like Oliver.
‘And they also both said that just because they had messed up didn’t mean I shouldn’t have a family myself. That I should make sure I’m not like them, that I do better.’
Meg caught her breath. Is he saying…?
‘And they’re right. I think you and I could do better, Meg. I’m going to make sure I do. I’m going to make sure I’m the best dad ever, that I’m there for my… our child. That is if you still want a family with me?’
Did she ever? Meg reached for his chin and gently turned it to face her. ‘Yes! Yes, I do. You will be the best dad ever. You’d never walk out on your child, like your dad did. Even if we split up, you would be there for them. You know you would.’
And she knew he would too. Like Leo was for Sam. The future was never guaranteed but if she and Oliver had a child together, she knew for certain that both of them would put that child first, no matter what, that Oliver would always be a hands-on dad even if he and Meg parted. They wouldn’t part, though, she was sure of that; their love for each other was too strong. Even through this their love had brought them back together.
‘I wish you had told me all this before, but I understand why you didn’t. And I should have asked you what your reasons were. I was just so hurt. I’m sorry I walked out without talking to you properly.’ She wrapped her arms around his neck. ‘I love you, Oliver. All I want is you.’
‘And all I want is you. I’m sorry that I let you go. But I’m never going to let you go again.’
They were in each other’s arms, kissing, caressing, tugging at each other’s clothes, then somehow they were naked on the floor and Oliver was on top of her and they were both writhing with passion. She was home.
* * *
It was much later before Meg remembered that Oliver was supposed to be starting a new job in a few days. ‘What about your job?’ she asked as they lay in each other’s arms. They’d scrambled back up on the sofa now, their desire sated, and pulled a throw over them.
He smiled down at her, her head resting on his chest. ‘I’ll call them and tell them I’ve changed my mind and won’t be able to come after all.’
She raised her head and smiled up at him. ‘Or we could both go.�
��
Where did that come from? The words had popped out before she’d even known she was going to say them, but she realised that was what she wanted. To make a fresh start with Oliver.
She saw the surprise register on his face. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes. Think about it. I can work anywhere. And I’ve heard that Cheshire is lovely. We could put this house up for sale and live in the cottage.’
‘That sounds perfect – are you really sure? What about your family and friends?’
Meg hugged him. ‘They’ll still be there – it’s not like we’re going to the other side of the world. Besides, you’re my family.’
There was a loud squeak from the kitchen, as if the two sleeping bunnies had woken up and heard her words. Meg and Oliver both burst out laughing. ‘And Laurel and Hardy too, of course.’
‘Oh, Meg, I’m so glad I changed my mind and came back. I never want to lose you.’
‘Me neither,’ Meg told him and then they were in each other’s arms, kissing again.
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