I told myself repeatedly to not get attached. But did I listen? No, of course not.
Those mother fucking feelings crept into my heart and nestled themselves in deep.
Chapter 21
“Ash,” I hear Ally whisper next to me. “Ashley,” she repeats, grabbing my arm. “Ashley!” she says a little louder, shaking me out of my stupor.
“What?” I respond flatly, all emotion drained from me.
“Are you okay? You look like you’re about to either pass out or throw up. I can’t tell.”
“Both.”
“Come on, let’s get up.”
“I can’t move.”
“I’m going to kill Ryan. I’m going to go to prison because the sheriff is a little fuck boy. I’m going to have some words with Jake about what a dipshit his brother is. He can’t do this to my best friend.”
“Ally. Please.” I just need her to stop talking. She’s not helping in the least.
“Sorry. Right. Okay, well you need to stand up so we can get the hell out of here.”
Hooking her arm with mine, I manage to muster enough energy to pull myself up, using the shelf behind me as leverage.
“Ally.” My voice cracks on her name.
“It’ll be okay, Ash.”
“No. Because I’m in love with a man who thinks I’m just a friend he can have sex with but who’s not good enough to be with.”
Ally mutters something under her breath I don’t catch, but I can assume it’s not good.
Shuffling down the aisle, we make our way past Jim, and he must see the look on my face, because his eyes widen. “Are you okay? Is she okay, Ally?”
“Oh, she’ll be fine, Jim. A migraine just hit her like a ton of bricks. I’ll be back tomorrow for my paints. Thanks.”
“Sure.” He nods, looking concerned.
Ally pushes us out the door, and I walk like a robot to her car. It’s like I’m aware of what’s around me, but it’s all just white noise and a blurry picture.
I fold into the passenger’s seat and methodically buckle up, staring straight ahead, the ice on the windshield my new fascination.
“Ashley, talk to me.”
“About what?”
“What we just heard. What Ryan said.”
“There’s nothing to say. He said his peace, and that’s that. Now, I think it’s time I went home.”
“No, Ash, come on. Don’t leave yet. You can come and stay with Jake and me for a few days.”
“No, Al. I need to go. I can’t be here anymore. I just want to be alone.”
“But–”
“No. Just take me to his house so I can get my stuff while he’s at work.”
Silently, Ally starts the car and backs out of the spot. I know she wants to say something, but it’s not going to help or change my mind in leaving. Ryan was crystal clear in what he said, and I refuse to be here anymore.
Pulling up to his house, my chest tightens. I really grew to love this place. It felt like home.
No.
Shaking my head, I tell Ally, “Just wait for me. I’ll be back in five minutes.”
Climbing out of her car, I walk up to the side door and turn the knob.
Shit.
I don’t have a key.
I’m so stupid. I locked the door behind me earlier without even thinking about a key to get back in.
Groaning, I pound on the door with my fist, collapsing against it. I did this to myself.
I begrudgingly walk back to the car. “I forgot I don’t have a key,” I tell her when I’m enveloped in heat once again. Not that it’s helping. I’m cold from the inside out.
“Oh.”
“Take me to the cottage, please. I’m just going to leave my stuff. Maybe you could stop and pick it all up for me tomorrow and just keep it with you until you come back to Jersey? Whenever that is. I don’t care.”
“Ashley, come on. Let’s just stop and get the key from Ryan at the station. You can stay in the car and I’ll run in.”
“No.” The word leaves my mouth so fast my head spins. “He’ll think something’s up and want to come out and see me. Just please take me to my car.”
“Isn’t it snowed in?”
“Jesus, Ally, please!” I yell, almost at my breaking point. “Please. I need to get out of here.”
“Fine. But we’ll have to stop and get Jake’s truck. He has a plow on the front.”
“Whatever.” Leaning my head against the window, I let the cold glass sooth my pounding head.
When we pull up to her house, she releases a breath. “Good, he just came right home before. He should be in his garage now, so I’m just going to run in and steal his spare key.”
Nodding, I watch as she goes inside her house. Her house. Which is Jake’s house, but they’ve made it theirs now. A stabbing pain hits my chest, and I lose my breath for a second.
I’ll never have that.
Ally comes running out and opens my door to help me out. I honestly don’t think I could walk on my own right now.
She shoves me up into the cab of the truck, and rounds the front to hop in herself.
“Okay, so Jake let me drive, uh, once. But don’t worry, he showed me how to work the plow in case I ever needed to and he wasn’t around.”
“Great,” I say flatly, not really caring about what she’s saying.
With a sigh, Ally starts the monstrous pickup truck, and we make our way through the pine tree lined streets of Pine Cove. The roads are mostly cleared of the three feet of snow, but there’s still a thin layer of snow packed neatly on top for traction. It crunches beneath the tires as we drive the winding roads for what will probably be my last time.
I’m going to miss seeing these beautiful trees covered in snow. I’m going to miss a lot of things about this town.
I don’t want to think about the fact that I’ll have to come back in the fall for Ally and Jake’s wedding and see Ryan again. He’ll be standing at the alter with his brother, looking sexy in a tux, and I’ll be standing with Ally trying not to cry.
“Shit.”
“What?” I ask absentmindedly, just watching the landscape go by in a blur of white. How mistaken I was to think snow was magic.
“Nothing. I just forgot how long Dottie’s driveway is. But at least half of it was already plowed by you know who when he–”
“Yeah, I got it.”
Ally masterfully pushes the snow away as we make our way down Dottie’s driveway, and I’m impressed with how she managed to get the hang of it so quickly.
When the little blue cottage comes into view, I breathe a sigh of relief.
I can leave.
I can try and start forgetting everything that’s happened.
But when we make it all the way to the end, my moral is dimmed when I see the state of my car. It’s literally buried.
“Oh my God.”
“It’s okay. We’ll dig it out,” she assures.
Reaching out, I curl my hand around her arm. “Thanks, Ally. For everything.”
“Anything, Ash,” she says simply, but it means so much.
Hopping down out of the truck, Ally takes two shovels from the back and we start at digging out my car.
When it’s finally cleared, my back is killing me, my arms are sore, and my neck has a creak. But now I can leave.
“I’m just going to see if I left anything inside, and then I’ll give you the keys back.”
Walking through the cottage, tears prick the backs of my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. It’s just a little place. I didn’t even spend that much time here. But there’s something about it. Something that draws you in like a home cooked meal on a Sunday, and embraces you like a warm hug when you walk through the door.
I take one last look around after checking all of the rooms, and I say a silent goodbye before locking the door behind me.
“Ash, I’m sorry,” Ally says, her voice full of emotion. “When I invited you up here, I had no idea this would be the outcome
.”
“It’s okay, Ally. I’ll be fine. I always am.”
“It’s okay to not be fine, too, though. You know that, right? You don’t have to pretend all the time.”
“But I do,” I confess, an emotionless smile forming on my lips as I pull her in for a hug.
“Love you, Trash-ley,” she whispers in my ear, my favorite joke nickname my friends call me not even making me smile like it usually does. “I’ll get your stuff tomorrow and bring it to you in the next couple of weeks. I’m due for a visit, anyway.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“It’s going to be dark really soon. Please be careful. You can stay with me tonight and then leave in the morning if you want. I’ll make sure Jake doesn’t let Ryan anywhere near you.”
“No. I’m just going to go now.”
Nodding in defeat, Ally steps aside and lets me get in my car. I’m hoping it hasn’t frozen over while buried, so I take a deep breath, and pray that it’ll turn on as push the start button.
“Thank you, God,” I whisper when the engine turns over. I’m going to have to let her warm up for a few minutes before taking off. But having time alone to think isn’t a good thing for me right now, and Ally is still next to me, sitting in Jake’s truck.
Pulling out my phone to text her that she can leave, I see a new message from Ryan waiting for me. The pain in my chest spreads down my arms, and my hands shake as I open it. I shouldn’t, but I read the first two words in the preview, and I prepare myself for the torture.
Hey, sweetheart. I’m sitting here with a pile of paperwork as tall as me, and I got to thinking about how you said you could help me with a reward system…
He wants to have phone sex right now? Is he fucking serious? Of course he is. Because all I am is a warm body for him to play with.
I’m so embarrassed. I just handed myself over to him on a silver platter, so I only have myself to blame. I knew this would happen, but I wasn’t prepared for how it would leave me feeling like some floozy whose past finally caught up with her.
When my phone starts to vibrate in my hand, and I see his name flash on my screen, my heart jumps. I want to answer it, I want to hear his voice one last time.
But I can’t.
I can’t listen to any more lies without completely breaking.
It eventually stops buzzing, and the breath I didn’t know I was holding rushes out of me.
You can leave. I’m just warming my car up. I text Ally, my frozen fingers shaking as I type.
I want to make sure you’re okay.
Ally, please. I just need a few minutes.
Ugh, fine. You’re impossible. You better text me, though, when you’re leaving, and when you make your first stop. I want to make sure you’re safe.
I will.
Love you, Ash. I’m sorry.
Text you soon.
I can’t type the words ‘I love you’ back. It’s tainted for me now–a bitter taste on my tongue.
Ally waves to me as she drives away, and then disappears behind the trees.
Resting my head back, I close my eyes.
I need to bottle this up and keep it sealed somewhere deep within me where I won’t be able to find it. This is what I do, this is what I’m good at–keeping it all to myself.
Every touch, kiss, and moment comes flooding to the surface in waves, crashing down on me, and a few tears leak from the corners of my eyes.
I can do this.
I’m strong.
A man doesn’t define me and my happiness, only I do.
I know who I am, and if he doesn’t want me, then fine. I’m leaving. By the time I see him again, I’ll be back to the old Ashley, just living for the fun of it.
But even as I think those words, my stomach churns.
I don’t want to go out and meet guys and party.
I want to curl up on the couch with the man I love and watch Jurassic Park while drinking hot chocolate and roasting marshmallows.
Fuck this. No.
Opening my eyes, I wipe my face dry and throw my car in drive.
I must have had my eyes shut for longer than I thought, because the sky has quickly darkened to a dull navy.
Leaving Dottie’s blue cottage in my rearview mirror, I focus on the road ahead. I have to keep looking ahead. I don’t know what’s in store for me, but I have to know that it’s better than this.
At some point in my life, something has to work out for me. Doesn’t it?
Turning on the radio, I blast the pop station and make a left out of the driveway. I need to flood my brain with something other than thoughts of Ryan.
“No!” I yell when a slow love song comes on and I quickly change to the rock station–letting the electric guitar and pounding drums drown out my senses.
Glancing at the clock, I realize I’ve been driving for fifteen minutes now, and nothing looks familiar. Did I make a wrong turn? Or miss a turn? Everything looks the same when it’s covered in three feet of snow. And the street names are hidden behind the snow that’s blown over and stuck to the signs.
Damn it!
Why didn’t I turn on my GPS before leaving?
Stopping, I put my flashers on, and turn on my phone’s GPS. Luckily, there’s no one out on the road, so I have time to sit here for a minute.
Oh my God. I have to backtrack like two miles! Damn it! I just want to get to the highway and drive as fast as I can away from this place.
Slamming my hand on the steering wheel, I make a k-turn in the middle of the road, and head back in the direction I came from. But then bright headlights shine directly in my eyes, and I can’t see a damned thing. Shit!
I turn the radio off to focus, and I look off to the side, blinking rapidly to try and clear my eyes of the white dots, but it does nothing.
I can’t see anything but the blinding lights.
All I can do is grip the wheel as hard as I can and hope I’m driving in a straight line, and not directly at them.
Time slows, and I hear the loud, heavy engine of a truck rumbling towards me, and the whoosh of air as it whizzes past my little car.
My heart thumps wildly in my chest as I scream at the top of my lungs, squeezing my eyes shut for a brief second, praying I’m not about to be crushed to death.
But then it’s quiet again, and my screams die in my throat.
I blink, trying to focus on the road, but my eyes are blurry from tears I don’t remember shedding. Rubbing them only makes it worse, and my throat feels like I swallowed knives.
Panicking, my heart beats even faster, and my breathing becomes rapid.
I focus on where I think the road is, but the bright headlights left my eyes seeing spots.
I feel the tires sway beneath me, losing traction, and I turn the wheel in what I think is the opposite direction to try and regain control. But it doesn’t work.
The car starts to fishtail and slide to the left and right as I desperately turn the steering wheel, not even knowing in what direction.
I start to spin out, and when I think I’m hitting the breaks, I hit the accelerator, sending me flying off the road and into a snow embankment.
Chapter 22
My heavy eyes open to nothing.
My head beats a steady rhythm, throbbing painfully. I reach up and touch it, sucking in a sharp intake of air.
What happened?
I look at my hand and see that it’s covered in blood.
Why am I bleeding?
Where am I?
My eyes are too heavy to stay open, and I don’t know where I am.
∞∞∞
I’m so cold.
Why is it so cold?
I can’t move my body, it’s too numb. I can’t feel anything but the bitter cold seeping into my bones.
Where am I?
My head is pounding, and everything is fuzzy, until the darkness drags me back under.
∞∞∞
Flashing blue lights penetrate the black behind my eyelids, and I try and lift them
. But they’re too heavy. I have no strength.
I hear faint voices yelling as streaks of white light dance in front of me.
It’s so pretty. I wish I could see them better.
The voices start to get louder and closer. It almost sounds like they’re calling out my name, but I don’t know why they would.
I start to slip back under the black fog holding me down, but then a bright light shines in my face.
No, no, I’m not ready. I don’t want to die. Please, I’m not ready.
Ryan.
I want to see Ryan again.
I need him.
Please don’t make me leave him.
“Ashley!” The voice of an angel says my name, and I know this has to be the end. I know he’s not here.
I open my mouth to protest, but all that comes out is a whispered, “Ryan.”
Then it’s black again.
∞∞∞
Bright. So bright.
I try and blink away the light, but it remains.
Groaning, I turn away, my throat protesting at the vibrations.
“Ashley, baby, sweetheart.” It almost sounds like Ryan. But I know that it can’t be.
“Please, Ash, look at me,” the voice begs desperately.
“Ryan.” I mouth his name, only a slight whispered breath leaving my lips. I wish I could see him just one last time before I have to go.
Chapter 23
A steady beeping sound breaks through the dense fog that’s been covering my brain, and my eyes flutter open to harsh fluorescent lighting.
What happened? Where am I?
My eyes lazily take in my surroundings. I see pale blue walls cut in half by wainscoting, a TV is mounted in the upper right corner playing the local news, stiff, stark white sheets cover my legs, and next to my head are machines that won’t stop beeping.
I’m in a hospital.
Closing my eyes, flashes of what happened play behind my lids, and a chill runs through me.
I was in a car accident, I think. I was trying to leave, and I was blinded by headlights, and then I spun out.
The rest is all a blur. I only remember snippets of what happened after.
Her Maine Reaction Page 20