It was dark, I was cold, and my head hurt. It still does.
A warm hand brushes a curl from my forehead, and I open my eyes to a familiar pair of worried blue ones.
Then it all rushes back to me. Why I was leaving last night, and where I was going. Home.
“Go,” I tell him, my voice dry and rough as I pull away from him. Too fast, though, because the sudden movement causes my head to spin.
“What’s wrong?”
“Leave. Go. I don’t want you here.”
“Ashley, sweetheart, it’s me. Ryan.”
“Don’t call me that. Don’t call me anything.” I look over at him with emotionless eyes. “Just go.”
The hurt look in his eyes stabs me in the gut, and my heart clenches in my chest.
He has no reason to be hurt. I’m hurt.
“Why? Tell me why, or I’m not going. Don’t push me away.”
“Push you away?” I scoff. “You already did that.”
Closing my eyes, I try and hold back the tears threatening to fall, but a few leak out the corners of my eyes and slip down my temples, splashing into my hair.
“I heard you, Ryan,” I whisper, his name burning my lips to even say.
“Heard what?” he asks, confused.
But before I can answer, the door to the room opens and in floods Ally, Courtney, Jake, and Jack, all gathering around the bed.
“Ashley,” Ally gushes, tears spilling down her cheeks like rivers. “You’re okay.”
“I am,” I assure her, even though I’m anything but okay.
“I’m glad you’re okay.” Courtney sniffs, turning to wipe her eyes so I can’t see. Her husband, Jack, puts his arm around her, looking down at her with such love and devotion.
Jake is the same. He hugs Ally from behind and kisses her neck, just letting her know he’s there for her.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted. My dad used to do that, and be that, for my mom. He was her rock, and he was there. Always.
Tears pool in my eyes and I look up at the ceiling. I start counting the tiles to try and distract myself from the throbbing in my head and the sinking of my heart.
But my eyes eventually find their way back to Ryan’s tired ones, the confusion and hurt still swirling in his pools of blue. He’s still waiting for me to answer his question.
His hair is messy like he’s been running his fingers through it, and he looks disheveled in his uniform. His shirt is wrinkled and the top two buttons are undone.
I look at Ally, knowing she can see what I’m feeling and what I’m trying to tell her. Please make him leave. Please.
I beg her with my eyes.
Nodding once, she clears her throat, and gives Ryan a hard stare. “Ryan, I think you should go. Ashley needs to stay calm and rest.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, Ally?” he asks harshly. “What’s going on?” His eyes dart around the room and then land back on me. “Ash, I thought–”
“You thought what?” I interrupt, my voice hard, and filled with unshed tears. And he just stares. “Exactly. We’re nothing. Now leave.”
I could swear the flash of pain in his eyes is genuine, but he covers it up so quickly I can’t be sure.
“Hey, Ry, let’s take a walk,” Jake suggests, motioning to the door with a nod.
Growling low under his breath, Ryan shoves his chair back and stands, my head spinning at the sound as he stalks out. Jake looks at me apologetically, and then follows his older brother out of the room.
“Ashley…” Ally starts, but then pauses. “Hey, guys,” she says to Courtney and Jack, “give us a minute?”
“Sure.” Courtney gives me a small smile and walks out hand in hand with her husband.
When Ally looks back at me, her face says it all. I know a lecture is coming.
“I need water,” I rasp, my throat bone dry.
“Oh, of course.” Grabbing the Styrofoam cup from the food tray to my left, she holds the straw up to my mouth.
When the first splash of cold water hits my tongue, I close my eyes as it runs down my throat, soothing the pain.
“Thank you,” I tell her, sounding a little more like myself.
“Ash, he’s been here the entire time. He hasn’t left your side.”
“How long have I been here?”
“A few hours.”
“That’s nothing, Ally. I can sit in a chair for a few hours, too, without leaving.”
“He’s was so scared, Ash. I’ve never seen a grown man so scared. He really cares about you.”
“Stop. Please. You and I both heard him. He just didn’t want to lose a good lay. Now, I need you to leave, too.”
“Ashley,” she pleads, taking a step towards me. But my glare tells her to not take another step. Sighing, she throws her hands up. “You need to deal with your shit, Ash. You could have died, and all you’re doing is pushing everyone who cares about you away.”
“My head is pounding. I need to rest.” Closing my eyes, I turn my head away.
“You love to tell Mel, Ellie, and me what’s on your mind, so I’m going to give you a little taste of how annoying it can be.”
“I’d rather you didn’t.” My head is killing me. Do they not supply pain meds in here?
“Too bad. Now listen. You’re strong and independent, and you’ve spent years running since your dad died, searching for something in every man you’ve met. Now you’ve found it, and you can’t handle it. One little bump in the road and you run. You don’t even want to talk to him about it, tell him how you feel, and see if he feels the same. Maybe he was just talking out of his ass with Jake. He’s a guy, they’re dumb. And now you’re being dumb.”
“I’m lying in a hospital bed, Ally. Thanks for calling me dumb. I’m really not in the mood for this.” I press the red button on my bed for the nurse, needing something to help me sleep.
She runs her hands through her hair and lets out a frustrated sigh before storming out of the room. Luckily, when it opens again, a woman in her forties in navy scrubs walks in.
“Hi, Miss Ashley, I’m Emily, your nurse. What can I do for you?”
“Hi, my head is killing me. Can I have something for it?”
“Yes, I just need to ask you a few questions first now that you’re awake.”
“Sure.”
“What do you remember about last night?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I focus on remembering through the pain and slight fog that’s still veiling my complete memory. “I was blinded by the headlights of an oncoming truck. It was so bright. I thought I was going to crash head-on with it. And when I didn’t, I thought I was okay, but then I still couldn’t see. I hit a patch of ice or something, and I couldn’t control my car, and then I spun out. The rest I don’t know. I went in and out of consciousness, I think. I only recall flashes of light and sounds. And I was so cold.” A shiver racks my body just remembering being out there.
“Okay, that’s good that you remember. Now, how is your head? On a scale of one to ten, ten being severe, how would you rate your pain level?”
“Eight, nine maybe? I don’t know.”
“Okay.” She writes something down on her clipboard and then looks back at me. “Do you hurt anywhere else?”
“I don’t know, I don’t think so. I just can’t get past my pounding head.”
“Of course, and I’ll give you something for it before we discharge you.”
“I’m okay to leave?”
“Yes, we did x-rays and a CT scan, and you don’t have any fractures or brain swelling. Just a head abrasion and severe concussion.”
“Okay, thank you.”
“Of course, let me just go and get you some Tylenol.”
“Is that all I can have? I don’t know if that’s going to cut it.”
She smiles warmly at me. “Yes, sorry.”
“Fine.” I sigh, resting my head back in the pillows as she walks back out the door, closing it firmly behind her.
No one better come in he
re unless it’s her bringing me drugs. I can’t hold any semblance of a rational conversation right now.
I hear the click of the door opening again, and I lazily turn my head in that direction, cracking one eye open.
Oh, good, it’s just Emily again with a little paper cup in her hand. “Here you go, Ashley,” she says, handing me the cup with three little pills, along with my Styrofoam cup of water.
“Thanks.” I toss back the pain killers and wash them down with the fresh, cold water.
“Just rest, and I’ll be back in a little while with your discharge papers for you to sign. You won’t be able to drive, so do you have a ride? Will one of your friends out there be taking you? I’ll have to leave them with instructions for watching you.”
“Oh, um, I don’t know. Maybe. I’m not sure who is, or where I’ll be going actually.” Even I can hear how pathetic I sound.
“Would you like me to ask them? They’re all sitting out there, and I don’t think they’re leaving.” She smiles, thinking that’ll cheer me up or something.
“Sure. I just want to be alone right now, though.”
“Of course.” She nods. “I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, closing my eyes.
The moment I hear the door click closed, the tears I’ve held in for the past twenty-four hours pour from eyes, and my body starts shaking violently.
I’m still so cold. Why can’t I get warm?
I pull the thin blanket over my shoulders, but the shivers still rack my body as I cry harder than I have in the past eight years.
The sounds coming from me are foreign to my ears, but I can’t help it. Everything has been building in me for such a long time, and I can’t take it anymore.
Loud voices and scuffling from out in the hall remind me where I am, but I can’t help it.
“What do you mean I can’t go in there?” I hear Ryan’s muffled, angry tone, through the door. “I can hear her crying! She needs me.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but she asked to not be disturbed. She’s resting.”
“She’s not resting.” He growls. “Do you not hear her?”
“I’m sorry, sir. The patient has the right to deny visitors.”
“Fine. I’m not a visitor, then. I’m Sheriff Taylor, and I have questions for her about the accident.”
There’s a beat of silence before I hear nurse Emily reluctantly say, “Alright.”
The moment I hear the door open, I turn away from him. I don’t want him to see me like this.
I hear his boots heavy on the floor, taking slow steps towards the bed–my back to him. I curl into myself, staying huddled on the edge with the blanket wrapped tightly around me.
I’m still shaking. I’m still cold.
The bed dips behind me and I feel him there, radiating heat like the summer sun. Ryan lifts the blanket and climbs on the small bed, wrapping his arms around me–pulling me into his warmth.
I don’t resist him.
He doesn’t say anything, and I don’t say anything. I just let him hold me as I let out everything I’ve held inside of me for what seems like a lifetime.
His presence is all I need. His comfort and strength envelope me, and give me the closure I need.
My head throbs even harder from crying, but I don’t care. I did this to myself. I always mess everything up.
When a fresh wave of tears pours out of me, Ryan slips his other arm under me and flips me so I’m facing him. But I don’t want him seeing me. I grip his shirt in my fists and burry my face against his chest.
I can feel his heart beating, and his even breathing. His chest rises and falls beneath my forehead, and I take solace in that simple motion.
“Ashley,” he whispers softly, stroking his hand up and down my back. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m sorry.”
“Please,” I beg, my voice cracking. I don’t want his pity.
“I thought I was going to lose you. I saw your car half buried in that snow embankment…” he trails off, taking a deep breath. “I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. Then I got to you, and saw your head. Blood was dripping, and dried, all down your face. And I swear, Ashley. My heart stopped beating.
“I thought I’d never hear your voice again, or look into your mesmerizing eyes, or feel your heart beat against mine, or hold you.” His arms tighten around me, and his heart beats a little quicker.
“The second I laid eyes on you again in the café, it felt like my world was righting itself. Something in me told me to not let you go again. I should have never let you go last summer.”
“I heard you, Ryan,” I croak, my throat raw. “In the hardware store. I heard you.”
“I know. Jake just told me.” Tilting my chin up, his eyes search mine, swirling shades of blue swimming with regret, sorrow, and apology. “You have to believe me when I say it was all meaningless. I was just talking, trying to get Jake to stop asking me questions I didn’t want to answer. Not to him, at least. When I got home and you weren’t there, but all of your stuff was, I called you. And when you didn’t answer for a while, I called Ally, but she wouldn’t tell me what happened, just that you left. I was driving around, and then it came in on the scanner that a car was spotted...”
“Ashley,” he whispers, cupping my cheek, smoothing his thumb back and forth. Ryan closes his eyes, and when they open again, I see the look. The look I’ve been waiting for my entire life. The look that holds more meaning and weight than any words ever could. “Why did you run? You and I…I thought…This, us, is real. You know it is.”
More tears fall from my eyes as what he says sinks in.
“You see me as more?”
“So much more.”
Wiping the tears from my cheeks, Ryan presses his lips to mine, and I feel everything. He pours all of the unsaid words and emotions into this kiss, and my heart swells.
This man is everything I’ve always needed, but didn’t think I could have.
The pounding in my head slows, and is replaced with the pounding of my heart. Ryan’s kiss soothes me, and mends me from the inside out.
“I’m so glad you’re okay,” he whispers against my lips. “Next time you want to run, just promise me you’ll talk to me first.”
“Next time?”
“It’s probably inevitable if you’re with me,” he says, and I can hear the twinge of sadness in his voice.
“No, it’s not.” Reaching up, I brush my fingers across his forehead and down his jaw. “When I heard you say it, confirm what I feared most, I just…I didn’t want to hear it again if I came to you. So I ran.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “But I didn’t want to go, Ryan.”
Kissing me, he smiles softly. “Will you stay with me, sweetheart?” He strokes my cheek. “Stay with me.”
A few tears fall from my eyes and I nod, my pulse racing, as his mouth captures mine in a searing kiss that I feel all the way down to my toes. Heat spreads through me, finally warming my chilled body.
I tuck my head into the crook of his neck, and I close my eyes, breathing in his intoxicating scent, letting it calm me.
Chapter 24
“It’s time to go, Ash,” Ryan whispers, waking me from a deep sleep.
“Hmm?”
“It’s time to go.”
“Where?” I mumble.
“Home. I’m going to take you home.”
“I already am,” I mumble, snuggling closer into him.
“To my house,” he whispers, rubbing circles on my back. “And you have to sign some papers.”
“Okay,” I say around a yawn, stretching out my stiff limbs.
Ryan slips out of the bed and I press the button to raise it to a sitting position, leaning back against the pillows.
“What time is it?”
“Almost dawn.”
“I feel like the last twelve hours have been the longest of my life.”
“How does your head feel?”
“It hurts, but it’s better. You hel
ped.”
“It’s my fault you’re in here,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I wish I could take all of your pain away.”
“What do you mean it’s your fault? Ry, it’s my fault. I’m the idiot who thought it was a good idea to drive at night right after a blizzard.”
“Because of me.”
“Ryan, no.”
“Ash, there’s nothing you can say to make me think otherwise.” He tucks a loose curl behind my ear. “But I’m going to spend a very long time trying to make it up to you. Starting with taking you home and making you hot chocolate and s’mores.”
“And Jurassic Park?”
“Anything you want, sweetheart.” He smiles, leaning down to kiss me sweetly.
But I need more than just a sweet kiss. Grabbing his shirt, I pull him closer and press my lips harder against his, headache be damned.
God, I’ve missed kissing him. I know it’s only been a day, but that was before I thought I was never going to be able to do it again. I want to believe him when he says I’m more to him. I want to believe that this will work out between us. I want to trust him.
I just want him.
“Oh, excuse me. Sorry. I have your discharge papers.” I was too wrapped up in Ryan to hear the door opening. “How are you feeling?”
Tucking my face in Ryan’s neck, I smile against him, feeling his pulse beneath my lips. I peek over his shoulder and see nurse Emily smiling apologetically and holding a clipboard of papers.
“I feel better, thanks.” Pushing on Ryan’s chest, he steps back, a huge grin on his face.
Emily hands me the clipboard and shows me where to sign.
“Now, I already briefed the sheriff here on what to watch for in the next few days. And if you start feeling dizzy, or are vomiting, or your headaches get worse, then you need to come back immediately.”
“Okay.” I nod. “Thank you.” I sign all of the highlighted lines and hand her back the clipboard.
“Make sure to get a lot of rest in the next few days, and don’t do anything too strenuous.”
My eyes dart to Ryan and he winks. “Sure, of course. No activities, and rest.” Doing no activities with Ryan is going to be torture.
She walks out, leaving Ryan and I alone again, and I slide my legs over the edge of the bed.
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