Resisting Love

by Kat Bellemore

  Uh, oh. Nothing good ever began with those words.

  “…but, I was looking for some headache medicine and…well, you have an awful lot of pharmacy bottles in there. And I couldn’t help but notice that Patty isn’t the prescriber.”

  Oh, crap. He’d forgotten about those. Isaac hadn’t been taking medication when Leanne had left. Hadn’t needed to. She probably thought he was an addict or something, and he could understand why. Isaac had had to try several medications until he’d found one that worked, but he hadn’t gotten rid of the old ones. Part of him hadn’t wanted to throw them out in case of an emergency, like if he ran out of what he typically used and needed to take something to tide him over. Isaac knew that probably wasn’t wise—mixing medications—and made a mental note to throw them out that evening. He wished he’d made that mental note before Leanne had discovered all of them.

  “I know it looks bad,” Isaac said. He cringed. That sounded bad too, like what people said when they were about to attempt to explain away something awful. Isaac tried again. “I don’t use all of them. Only two.”

  Leanne didn’t move. “Then why aren’t any of them from Patty? I know how much you hate driving to the city, and from the looks of it, you’re doing it every month.” She paused. “I’m not judging you. You know I’d never do that. But I do want to help.”

  The concern in her voice pierced him. Made him want to tell her everything. Maybe she could help. But letting her in like that—that deep—what if she told someone? Isaac wondered if that would be such a bad thing. From time to time, he’d thought about telling Caleb or Adeline—someone he could talk to when things got bad. But he’d imagined how they’d react, and the shame of it always stopped him. They already knew he was broken, but he didn’t want them to know just how much.

  Leanne was still watching him, her gaze seeming curious, but there was no disappointment there. That gave him hope. If he couldn’t tell the woman who knew him—or at least had known him—better than anyone else, including his parents, who could he tell? His therapist had been urging Isaac to find a confidante for some time; he’d just never imagined it would end up being Leanne.

  Isaac nodded to the small couch that faced the front window. “You’ve missed a lot while you’ve been away.”

  14

  Leanne tapped a finger against her leg, suddenly nervous, as she walked toward the couch. Maybe she shouldn’t have brought up the medication. Like she had said, it wasn’t any of her business. They weren’t dating anymore. Besides, maybe he had a health condition or something. But things like that didn’t just pop up overnight, did they? Isaac had always been one of the healthiest people she knew. Never got sick, even from a cold.

  Isaac stood by the couch, as if waiting for her to sit down first.

  She hesitated but obliged, sitting on one end. Leanne questioned her decision to stop by unannounced. It had been true that she’d needed the restroom, but there had been other places she could have gone, like Caleb’s or Adeline’s home. They would have also had medicine for the headache she’d felt coming on. But Leanne couldn’t stop thinking about the way Isaac had looked at her in the children’s garden. Right before he had kissed her. No matter what Isaac said, their relationship wasn’t dead. Not yet. He did still have feelings for her. And Leanne wasn’t just going to let that go.

  Though she now wondered if that would have been the kinder thing to do—let it go.

  Isaac slowly lowered himself onto the other end of the couch. He didn’t say anything right away, but she wasn’t going to be the one to start this conversation. She’d wait until he was ready. “I kept something from you when we were dating,” Isaac finally said.

  Leanne squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on her breaths. She shouldn’t have brought up the bottles. She didn’t want her memories of Isaac tainted with whatever it was he had to tell her. If they couldn’t be together, she at least wanted those fifteen years left intact. Leanne was tempted to just leave, but she knew she couldn’t do that to him. She’d seen the pain in his expression when she’d confronted him about the prescriptions.

  “Mental illness runs in my family,” he said. “It was the reason my parents moved away to the big city. They loved the town, and they wanted to stay, but my dad needed help he couldn’t get here.”

  Leanne slowly opened her eyes, Isaac coming back into view. He was watching her, probably waiting to see how she’d react. She never would have suspected that his dad suffered from mental illness. “But your dad was always so…”

  “Happy,” Isaac said, nodding in agreement. “That’s how it seemed to everyone else. He hid it well, always ready with a joke. But there were days he couldn’t get out of bed and my mom had to run the souvenir shop on her own. It wore on her, and it became apparent that he needed something more than what the ocean could offer him.” He paused. “I had never thought I’d see the day when the ocean wasn’t enough, until that moment.”

  “I remember those days,” Leanne mused. “You’d always tell me that he didn’t feel well.”

  “Which was technically true.” Isaac ran a hand through his hair. “Anyway, he didn’t want people to know, and he was okay with them thinking my parents just up and left town—and left me. I had just graduated high school, so I was fine, but the rest of the town didn’t see it that way.”

  “I’ll admit to being confused, and upset by it, at the time,” Leanne said. “I didn’t understand how someone could just leave like that. Your family had lived here for a century—been one of the founding families.”

  Isaac was quiet for a moment, and his gaze dropped to his hands resting on his lap. “Like I said, there are some things the ocean can’t fix.”

  Leanne thought she knew where this conversation was going—what Isaac had to tell her. But as much as it pained her, she remained quiet as she waited for him to continue.

  “I always told you that as long as I had you and the ocean, I was fine,” he said, his gaze returning to Leanne. “That was because those were the only things that kept my own demons away. I was never ambitious like you, have always been content on the beach, because that was where I had found my happy place.” He stopped, and Leanne noticed his hands trembling.

  She reached forward and placed her hands on his, stilling them. “And then I left.”

  Isaac hesitated before nodding. “I knew I’d be fine for the summer. It was tourist season, and I’d keep busy.”

  “But I didn’t return,” she whispered, choking on the last word. Leanne hadn’t known—couldn’t have known what she’d done. But it didn’t make it hurt any less. And there’d been signs—hadn’t there? Times when Isaac would have a faraway look in his eye, even seem a little bit sad, but as soon as he’d notice her watching, he’d be all smiles again.

  “The first day, when I slept in, unable to will myself to grab my surfboard before work, I knew it had come for me,” Isaac said. “I managed to eventually make it out to the lifeguard station but was an hour late, and not at all focused on the people who surrounded me. I don’t think I could have saved a turtle, if I’d needed to.” He gave a quick shake of his head and withdrew his hands from under Leanne’s. “That was when I knew I was a danger to more than myself.”

  Leanne’s breath caught. Here she had been, trying to schmooze all of those fancy, rich actors and producers in LA—people she didn’t care about at all—and the one person she loved more than anyone had been back home, quietly suffering. All so she could have her grand adventure. No wonder he was so upset with her. “If I had known, I never would have gone.”

  Isaac’s gaze met hers. His eyes were full of sad longing, like he was wishing for a different time—a happier time. “I know. And that’s why I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t make you suffer the way my mother did.” He released a long sigh. “When my dad was depressed, which was a lot by the time they left, she couldn’t allow herself to be happy. She felt too guilty for it, like if he was sad, she had to be sad too. I wasn’t going to do that to you.” He pa
used. “I tried to self-medicate for a while.”

  That had been what she’d been afraid of, and he must have seen the fear in her eyes.

  “Not in the way you’re thinking, though. I…got involved with online gaming.”

  Oh, was that it? Leanne released a relieved laugh.

  “I know it sounds funny, but it wasn’t,” he said, his expression as serious as she’d ever seen it. “I was addicted, trying to cover up the pain, but not knowing how. I tried finding connection with other online gamers, but it only made things worse. If Caleb hadn’t intervened—twice—I’d still be spending entire paychecks on virtual weapons.”

  Oh. Yeah, that was bad.

  “What ended up helping?” Leanne asked. She hoped this story had a happy ending. She didn’t know if she’d be able to bear it if not.

  “I’ve been seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist in the city. That’s actually where I was coming from the day you fell on your bike. The psychiatrist is the one who has been filling out the prescriptions. It took a few tries to get the right combination for my depression and anxiety, but I think we’ve found a good match.” A small smile tugged at his lips. “Or I thought we had, until you showed back up.”

  Leanne allowed herself to return his smile. “I thought I was the cure.”

  “You were the cure,” he corrected her. “Now you’re the cause of a world of anxiety and sleepless nights.” He must have seen the horror she felt because he quickly followed it up with, “But none of that is your fault.”

  She gave a humorless laugh. “That’s hard to believe.” Her smile slipped. “It seems I’m the cause of a lot of anxiety lately, and not just for you. I disrupted the whole town by returning.”

  Isaac leaned forward, his gaze intense. “You aren’t regretting coming back, are you?” His tone wasn’t hopeful, more like he was scared to know the answer.

  “No,” she said, leaning back into the couch, though the answer was more of a way to buy herself some time to think. Leanne considered what would have happened if she’d chosen to stay in LA. Not come back home. The thought made her stomach queasy. Even having to deal with all of this—she’d always come back. This was home. Her family, the ocean, it was all a part of her. Her parents had been talking more about retiring since she’d returned home, and she found herself excited at the prospect of finally running the bed and breakfast full time. Jules didn’t want to take over the family business—never had, even though she was the elder child. That was fine by Leanne.

  “I don’t regret it,” she said, her tone more resolute. Leanne wanted Isaac to know she meant it. “I know I’ve made a mess of things, and everyone seems to be paying for it, but this is where I belong. And if there is anything I can do to make this easier on you and whoever else, I’ll do it. Because I’m back. And I’m not going anywhere.” Leanne’s tone softened. “I do wish you’d told me what you’re dealing with, though. That’s a long time to suffer on your own, and anything you’ve done to help yourself through it is understandable.”

  “Understandable, maybe, but that doesn’t make it right,” Isaac said. “I still struggle, but I do have a good support system, even if people don’t know exactly what they’re supporting me through.”

  Leanne leaned forward and placed a hand on Isaac’s knee. He didn’t say anything, letting it rest there, his gaze meeting Leanne’s. “I want to be a part of that support system. Whatever weirdness is going on between us, you were my best friend, long before we ever thought about dating or even knew that was what boys and girls did.” Leanne hoped that Isaac heard the sincerity when she said, “I still consider you my best friend.”

  Isaac nodded slowly, his gaze falling to where her hand rested on his knee. “I know. Thank you.” His eyes lifted, searching hers. “I think I want to kiss you.” His voice was soft, thoughtful, to the point that Leanne wondered if he realized he’d just spoken aloud.

  She waited until he spoke again.

  “Would you be okay with that?” he asked.

  So, he did know.

  Leanne’s heart beat hard, and her palms were suddenly moist. She wanted to remove her hand from Isaac’s knee to wipe it on her pants, but she didn’t want him to think she was retreating from his offer—or to know how nervous she was at the prospect of his lips on hers. It was like she was about to have her first kiss all over again.

  “I’m sorry,” Isaac said, moving to stand up. “I shouldn’t have asked. It will only complicate things.”

  At those words, Leanne practically launched herself at Isaac, pressing her lips against his so he fell back to the couch. There was no way she was going to let him talk himself out of this moment—this chance to pretend everything was normal and good and right in the world.

  Isaac let out a low laugh as he tightened his arms around her, pulling her in as she raked her fingers through his hair. “So, does this mean that you’re okay with it?” he asked against her lips.

  “Let me think about it a minute longer,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. And then she nibbled on his bottom lip, and he let out a small groan.

  “You don’t know what you’re doing to me here.”

  Leanne smiled, her nose brushing against his. “I kind of do.” That sent him crashing into her all over again, their lips dancing together, exploring as if they hadn’t done this a million times in the past.

  This time was the first time, all over again. And Leanne didn’t want it to stop. Because if it did, that could mean that it would also be the last time. And she couldn’t handle thinking like that. So she didn’t. Leanne wrapped one hand around the back of Isaac’s neck instead, pressing her body against his hard chest. She loved feeling the rapid beat of his heart against hers.

  The next few minutes passed like hours, or maybe it had been hours, considering how low the sun was by the time they came up for air.

  Isaac pulled away, panting. He collapsed against the back of the couch, a grin taking up most of his face.

  “That was…”

  Leanne collapsed next to him, her own breaths coming out equally fast. “Incredible?”

  “I was going for something more like earth-shattering,” Isaac said. He reached for her hand, then entwined his fingers with hers. “I suppose we should get to the sunset stroll to show everyone there’s no hard feelings between us.” His tone had a teasing lilt to it, showing that there was no way there were any hard feelings now. Not after what they had just done.

  Leanne’s gaze traveled to the front window, where she saw the sun was already low over the ocean. She could get used to a view like that, with Isaac by her side. “We could always watch the sunset from here tonight. By the time we got down there, we’d probably miss the good stuff anyway.”

  “What about proving a point to the town?” Isaac asked, an eyebrow raised, mocking her.

  “There’s always tomorrow.”

  Isaac nodded, now wearing a thoughtful expression, as if he needed some time to weigh their options. “I see your point.” A grin exploded again. “Ready for round two?”

  He didn’t wait for an answer, instead jumping onto her lap.

  “Oh, you’re heavier than I remember.” She laughed as she pushed him off. “That must be why I was always on top.”

  And then she wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled her nose into his neck, causing him to squirm and laugh. That had always been one of his most ticklish spots. And one of the surefire ways to turn up the heat.

  The town could wait for another day.

  15

  Isaac woke to his head pounding. He groaned and rolled over, placing a hand on his forehead. Why did it feel like he’d been hit by a sledgehammer? The pounding continued. He pushed himself up onto his elbows. Yes, he had a headache, but there was someone actually pounding on the front door.

  “I’m coming,” he grumbled, slipping from beneath his covers. Trudging to the front door, he opened it mid-pound. Sunlight blasted his retinas, and he squeezed his eyes shut. It wasn’t usually so brig
ht this early in the morning.

  Whoever was at the door released what sounded like a sigh of relief. “Oh, good, you’re okay.”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” He opened an eye partway. Caleb stood on his front porch, fully dressed and ready for the day.

  Caleb opened the screen door and walked past Isaac, not waiting to be invited in. “Because you never miss your early morning surfing session, and you were supposed to be at your post two hours ago.”

  Isaac’s eyes flew open. No wonder the sun had seemed so bright. “Oh, crap, let me just grab my shoes and I’ll be right there.”

  “You going to put on shorts while you’re at it?” Caleb asked with a smirk.

  Isaac looked down and saw his bare chest and a pair of boxers. “Right.”

  “You sure you’re doing all right?” Caleb called across the bungalow as Isaac rushed around, looking for everything he needed. Whistle. Sunglasses. Sandals. Water. “You still aren’t wearing clothes,” he pointed out.

  Why was he such a mess this morning? Pre-medication Isaac had been like this, but that was because he had been too depressed to function, not because he’d been too scatterbrained. “Yeah, I’m fine. I guess I didn’t sleep well or something.”

  “We missed you at the sunset stroll last night,” Caleb said as Isaac hopped past on one foot while he slipped a sandal on the other. “I thought we were going to get a show, you know, with you and Leanne and everything. Change your mind about setting the record straight?”

  Isaac paused mid-hop.

  Leanne.

  No wonder his head was screaming at him. He had no idea what time she’d ended up leaving the previous evening…or had it been the morning…but there had been no way his mind was going to shut off and allow him to sleep. Not after revealing his secret—that he had mental illness—and how well she had taken it. And then the first kissing session. And the second. Isaac was pretty sure there had been a third one in there somewhere. It hadn’t all been lips and hands, though. Now that his head wasn’t throbbing quite as badly, he remembered talking in the dark, her snuggled up under his arm. And laughter. Something he had thought was a thing of the past.