Damaged Gods (Monsters of Saint Mark's #1)

by K. C. Cross

  “I don’t know,” I grumble. “Twenty minutes.”

  “Exactly. That’s forty minutes there and back. Plus, she had to get groceries—”

  “She didn’t even take my list!”

  “She’s a grown-up, Pell. She knows how to grocery-shop.”

  “I’m angry. I’m going to make her go back. She won’t get my favorites.”

  “You’re starting to sound like a child. You’ll live without your Boo Berry cereal for one week.”

  I stop pacing with the sound of an approaching vehicle. Tomas gets up and tosses his cardboard. “See. She’s back.”

  “Four hours later. What the hell was she doing for four hours?”

  The Jeep pulls in and Pie honks at us, grinning from ear to ear.

  “Oooooh, shit,” Tomas says.

  And at the same time, I say, “Fucking hell. Did we forget to tell her—”

  “We did,” Tomas says.

  I actually laugh. “Well, that smile won’t last long.”

  Tomas chuckles as well. “We didn’t do it on purpose. She left abruptly.”

  I point at him. “Right? This is all her fault.”

  Tomas shakes his head. “She’s gonna be so pissed.”

  “Maybe we shouldn’t tell her?”

  Tomas shoots me a look. I can’t tell if it says That’s a dick move or You’re brilliant, Pell.

  I’m going with dick move. Because it is.

  “Hey, you good-for-nothing monsters!” Pie is yelling for us. “Get over here and unload the car.”

  “You can’t park there,” Tomas calls. “The sheriff will come back. You have to park in the back.”

  “Oh.” Pie stops. Her hands are filled with bags that are not groceries. Yep. She’s gonna be so angry at us when she figures out the caveat with the money.

  There’s always a ‘but’ when free money is involved. Everyone knows that.

  Except our girl Pie here.

  “Well, how do I get around to the back?” Pie calls.

  I let out a long breath. Some of it is relief that she came back. Not that she ultimately has a choice, but the slave caretaker has more freedom than I do, that’s for sure. All rules have loopholes. “I’ll show you.”

  I’m not gonna lie—walking through that little gate feels good. It’s been a long while since I went anywhere with Grant. He and I had been on the outs for close to two decades. The fun of trolling town with him wore off last century.

  “Give me your keys,” I say, palm out.

  Pie snorts. “You’re not driving my Jeep.”

  “Oh, I am. Give me the keys.”

  “You can’t just bully your way into driving my Jeep.” She looks down at my hooves. “It’s a manual transmission. You don’t have feet.”

  “Obviously I have feet because I’m walking.”

  “You’re not driving my Jeep with hooves and that’s the end of it. Get in the passenger side or don’t come. How hard can it be to find my way around the block?”

  I narrow my eyes at her. “Maybe I should let you try.”

  She’s about to take me up on that, but she must sense there’s more to finding the back gate than simply driving around the block, because she says, “Fine. But if you crash—”

  “Woman, I’ve been driving for over a hundred years. I’m not gonna crash your piece-of-shit Jeep.” I snatch the keys from her hand and point to the passenger side. “Get in.”

  She gets in, sneering at me as she fastens her seatbelt. “Why do you have to be such an asshole?”

  I shake my head at her as I back up and pull out from the sanctuary. Tomas waves to us from the other side of the gate. Sometimes I feel bad for him. He has literally never left this place since he got here. “Why? I’ll tell you why. Because Saint Mark’s is my domain. I am the master there. You work for me. And yet you continuously question my authority.”

  “You’re completely overreacting. I’ve been here one day.”

  “And yet you were still able to do it continuously.”

  “What do you want from me? It’s not my fault I’m here. I was tricked.”

  “You weren’t tricked. You saw an ad, you answered the ad. That was all you.”

  “It was a trick. If I had known that the job came with a curse, I wouldn’t have bothered, obviously.”

  “You put the ring on. So now you have to own it, Pie. We’re in this curse together and the sooner you realize that, the better off we’ll both be.”

  “I’m not a witch. I can’t break your stupid curse.”

  “You say that, but yet… here you are. How does that make sense?”

  “I don’t know. But I’m not a witch. I don’t know any spells, I can’t concoct any potions. And the breakfast doesn’t count. Tomas told me how to do it. And it was just reciting words and waving my hand over raw food. I will not be helpful in any other capacity. So what we should do is—”

  “Oh, you’ve been thinking about this, have you?”

  “It was a quiet drive back, so yes, I had time to think. And I was thinking… we should just find another witch to help you.”

  I almost snort. “Should we? Should we do that?”

  “Yes. One who does have some actual magic.”

  “What about your bird?”

  “What about her?”

  “She’s not magic?”

  “She a psychosis. My personal hallucination. So no. She’s not magic.”

  “Then why can I see her?”

  “You don’t see her. That’s not my bird up in the ceiling.”

  “Just some random bird, huh?”

  “Yep. Just another random bird.”

  I sigh. She’s just… not very quick, is she? “OK. Fine. She’s not magic, you’re not magic, but you’ve stumbled into a magical person in town?”

  “Exactly!” She sits up straight and claps her hands. “Oh, my God. You’re not going to believe this—”

  “You’re right, I’m not.”

  “—but that sheriff? He’s your guy! Not me!”

  I frown. “My guy?”

  “Your magical guy. That flyer was meant for him. I’m sure of it. He opened the gate, Pell. The walking gate. Didn’t you see it?”

  “Hm.”

  “Yeah, hm. And that’s not all. He’s like… an aphrodisiac or something. He got me all hot and bothered while we were together. I mean, I don’t normally kiss on the first date, but after I went shopping, we met for lunch, and the next thing I know, he was dropping me off at the garage to pick up my Jeep, and we made out in the front seat of his cop car. I’m talking, his tongue was like…” She sighs.

  “Was what? His tongue was like what?”

  “Practically crawling down my throat.”

  “That’s disgusting.”

  “Mmmm.” She hums, like she’s thinking this over. “Nah. It wasn’t. At all. It was fucking hot. Hot. Like totally—”

  “I get it. It was hot. I cannot believe you were making out with the fucking sheriff of Granite Springs.”

  “See, this is my point.”

  “I’m failing to see any points in this conversation.”

  “He did that to me. I am not the kind of girl who just makes out with a total stranger on the first date.”

  “Date?”

  “Lunch was our first date. But not the official first date. We decided that’s tomorrow. We’re going to dinner.”

  I pull the Jeep over and yank on the parking brake to make a point. “You are not dating the sheriff.”

  “Oh, I absolutely am. Because he’s the magic you need. See? I’m doing it for you.”

  “Listen, Pie. Hear me. OK? I need you to hear me. You are not dating the sheriff. He is not taking your place in the curse. And from now on, you need my permission to leave the sanctuary.”

  She snorts at me. “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “No. I’m not agreeing. And you can’t stop me from leaving. What are you gonna do? Chain me up in a dungeon?”

  I consider thi
s.

  “You wouldn’t dare chain me up in a dungeon.”

  “Wouldn’t I?”

  “Pell. If I have to be stuck here washing your fucking hooves while I sweet-talk the sheriff into taking my place, then you will let me enjoy myself.”

  “Does that mean you’re going to follow the rules?”

  “Not if you make me ask you permission to leave.”

  I wave my hand in the air, then release the parking brake and pull back on to the road. “Forget about the sheriff for now.”

  “I’m going on that date tomorrow night.”

  “Whatever. I have other things to explain.”

  “Can’t it wait? Oh, hey!” She points to the lake. “I recognize this. That’s the lake behind my cottage.”

  “Yep. Here we are.” I pull the Jeep into the gravel parking lot and turn the engine off. “Now listen, about the shopping today.”

  “I didn’t know what you like, but I bought a lot of meat. Like, the best steaks ever. Porterhouses, and ribeyes, and T-bones. Mmm. I’m gonna cook them tonight. I’m a decent griller. I don’t need Grant’s kitchen spells to help me do that.”

  I let out a long breath. She’s gonna be so pissed.

  Tomas’s head appears at the top of the gate. He’s waving and yelling. “Did you tell her the bad news?”

  “What bad news?” Pie asks.

  “That’s what I was trying to say. And part of the reason your hot sheriff won’t be taking your place any time soon.”

  Her face contorts into a look of pure confusion. “What are you talking about?”

  “You see… the money? It’s not free.”

  “What do you mean it’s not free? You literally told me it was all free. And I used paper to pay for everything.”

  “Right. Buuut… the universe keeps accounts.”

  “Accounts?” She goes pale white.

  “It keeps track of what you spend. So I hope you didn’t spend too much today.”

  We both look at the back seat of the Jeep. It’s piled high with shopping bags. And most of them are not groceries. They are from the cute boutiques on Main Street. She bought clothes, and shoes, and shit from that overpriced candle shop.

  “But…” She’s at a loss for words. I like this side of her. “But my tires.”

  We get out and look at her tires. “They look new,” I say.

  She bites her lip.

  “New rims too, Pie?”

  “What was I supposed to do? Those tires were bald! I needed them. For you!” She points at me. “For your stupid errands!”

  “Mmm-hmm. I needed rims?”

  “OK, OK, OK,” Tomas says from the back gate. “We can work this all out later. Let’s get the food inside.”

  Pie is happy to defer this conversation until later, but later isn’t going to help her. She spent a lot today. And perhaps I should’ve warned her that everything she spends she will need to pay back, but fuck it. Every other slave caretaker, when told about the free money, asked what the catch was.

  Every one of them but her.

  She is like a small child.

  She needs rules, and clear expectations, and there need to be consequences when she fucks up. Like this. This is a fuck-up. One I don’t care much about because it’s not my debt. I won’t need to pay it back. And anyway, I’ll be the one benefiting from this debt in the long run.

  But she is apt to make other mistakes. Mistakes that will affect me.

  Like this date with the sheriff?

  No. That’s not happening for many reasons.

  First and foremost, she is mine. Not his. So if any dating happens around here, it will benefit me. Second, if he really is part of the bloodline, then he needs to stay far away from Saint Mark’s. I cannot have the sheriff of Granite Springs as a slave caretaker. Third, I don’t like the look of him. He’s far too… well, everything about him is far too much.

  She will not be dating the sheriff.

  “Hello?” Tomas calls. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

  I nod down at Pie. Her mouth is still open in shock and I think she’s calculating up the price of all her goodies in the back of her Jeep. “What if I return them?” She looks up at me, hopeful. “Will that help?”

  “Nope. It’s a done deal. Once you hand the paper over, the debt is yours. Might as well keep the stuff. You paid for it. Now, bring in all the groceries and put them in your pantry. We’ll be taking breakfast in your cottage from now on.”

  “What? Why?” She looks annoyed.

  “Because you’re not going to use Grant’s spells. That’s why. I’m sure they’ll wear off in a decade or two. But until then—”

  “Decade or two?” Pie scoffs. “Oh, fuck that. I will not be here for another two days, let alone another two decades.”

  “That’s amazing,” I deadpan. “I look forward to your imminent curse-breaking.”

  “Dick,” she mutters.

  “Put the groceries away in your cottage and meet me up in the pleasure room in half an hour.”

  “What? What pleasure room?”

  I walk past her, push past Tomas at the gate, and call over my shoulder, “You’re about to find out how you work that debt off, sugar Pie.”

  She sputters and gasps and Tomas does his best to soothe her. But soon, they are out of earshot and her whining fades. And as I make my way up the hill, and the cathedral comes into full view, I realize I feel pretty good today. Maybe it was the drive? It’s been a while since I drove. Or maybe it’s the scenery. The lake property in back of the sanctuary walls is amazing in the autumn.

  Or maybe… maybe it’s the fact that I’ve got her now.

  She can protest all she wants. And it’s possible she was right about that in-between time before she put on the ring and she did have a way out that didn’t involve me or my curse. Anything is possible. That’s something I’ve come to accept. But it’s too late now. Not only did she put the ring on, she also took on some debt.

  That’s what I want to check before she comes back up the hill.

  I need to know how deep of a hole she’s dug so I know how far I can push her.

  This thought makes me snicker with satisfaction when I enter the lower grand hall of the cathedral. And I’m still chuckling under my breath as I climb the stairs.

  Once at the top, I enter the apothecary, scan the bookshelves until I find the Book of Debt, and then set it down on the counter and open it up to the last page.

  There she is. Pie Vita.

  Oh, that’s adorable. Pie is life.

  I think the universe might be fucking with me. But I like this joke.

  And—“Holy fucking cow.” I whistle under my breath. “Ten thousand, two hundred and seventy-five dollars in debt. On day one.” I laugh out those last words.

  This is amazing.

  Out of curiosity I flip back a page to find Grant’s name, but that’s all the page says. Just his name. All his debt has been cancelled.

  Yeah. I don’t know how he pulled that off, but moving on.

  I close the book, tuck it under my arm, and leave the apothecary, heading back towards the stairs. But instead of going down, I duck into a hallway on my left and follow the dark marble floor tiles past dozens of doors, two staircases, and an atrium before finally arriving at my pleasure room.

  It’s really just a natural hot spring. But it’s nice and steamy and even though the water smells a little bit like brimstone, it always feels good to get in. I haven’t been in here in decades. Grant never accepted the idea that he had to work off his debt, so he just flat-out refused to cooperate. But I’d grown tired of the steam cave long before Grant.

  But Pie is no Grant. She is no Stewart, or Jonas, or Michael, or Ignacious, or Antonius, or Luther, or Milo, or Odo. The point is, she is not male.

  And this might be the only perk about Grant’s betrayal.

  Getting a horn and foot massage from one of those jerks? Yeah. That’s not fun.

  But getting a horn and foot massage
from Pie? Or any of the other numerous ways in which she will be working off that debt?

  Fuck, yeah. I’m up for that.

  I set the book down on a stone table, making sure to leave it open to Pie’s accounting page, and look at the pool of spring water bubbling up from the surface of the cave.

  My face sports a wild grin as I strip off my pants and jump into the eternal hot spring. I sigh with pleasure and contentment as I settle onto a familiar smooth ledge, my arms stretched out along the edge of the rocks, my head tilted back with my eyes closed, my body instantly relaxed.

  I’m going to enjoy this day.

  In fact, this one day is going to make up for the two thousand shitty years that came before it.

  I am roused from a blissful sleep by the girl’s voice. “Well, I’m here. Now what?”

  I reluctantly open my eyes and sit up straighter, then sleepily direct my gaze at her. “We need to go over the Book of Debt so you know where you stand and then go over the rules of money.”

  “Do you think you should’ve explained this to me before you sent me out on errands?”

  “We didn’t send you out. You left. Without asking permission or even telling me. This is unacceptable. And that date you think you’re having with the sheriff? I will say it one more time and that’s it. You will not be alone with that sheriff at any point in time.”

  “Says you.”

  I stand up on the ledge, then step out of the pool, trailing streams of water down my shaggy legs.

  “Pants!” she whines, shielding her eyes like a child.

  “I’m not putting on pants. Satyr chimera do not wear pants. I’m all wet and you are in no position to make demands.”

  “Oh, right.” She snorts. “I put on your stupid ring so now you think you own me. So your concern for my wishes, that was what, just platitudes? To make me think you are some kind of reasonable monster? Hah. What a joke.”

  I glance over at Tomas. He’s cringing. He mouths, Put on the pants.

  I ignore him and walk over to the Book of Debt, making puddles under my hooves, then tap the page with her name on it and her list of purchases. “There it is. Every time you use the money, the book records it.”

  Still shielding her eyes, she walks over to the stone table and looks down at the book. “But how does it work? How did it know? I mean, it’s freaking itemized.”