Chasing Paradise

by Cindy Patterson

  “You don't look tired, you look upset.”

  She recoiled from him, stretching even more distance between them. “I know we're friends now, but you shouldn't ... we shouldn't ...,” she said between sniffs, struggling to suppress her tears. “How would this make your girlfriend feel?”

  “My girlfriend?” His voice hitched a whole octave.

  “I saw her today. She came into the restaurant as I was leaving.”

  “That's narrisch. What are you talking about? I'm not courting anyone.”

  “Maybe not officially, but taking girls home in your buggy leads to courting. And a kiss where I come from, proves your affection.”

  “Hold on ...”

  “I thought you being an Amish man, strong in the faith, would make you more honorable. Maybe I was wrong about you. Especially if you're willing to deny it.” She swiveled on her feet and swiped at another errant tear. Crying over him, in front of him, was the last thing she wanted.

  “How can I deny something I know nothing about?”

  She spun to face him, a loud grunt escaping her throat, surprising even her. “How could you? Playing games with that poor girl's affections? Anna's probably sitting at home waiting for you right now.”

  His eyes widened. “Anna?” It was nothing more than a whisper, then the shock on his face miraculously transformed. And her breath caught in her throat.

  He slammed his hands against his thighs. His deep, boisterous laughter startled her. “I'm not courting Anna.”

  Rachel jabbed her fist into the curve of her waist. “I overheard her telling a friend that you took her home the other night and kissed her.”

  “I had to take her entire family home after a church service, because of a busted wagon wheel. But that was over a month ago.”

  “But ... ”

  “But ... nothing.” He brought his hand to her cheek and gently brushed away the wet tears. “I'm not courting her, or anyone, and I most definitely haven't kissed her.” Something in the sound of his voice, in his gentle touch, made her legs weaken. “What about you?” There had been no time to marvel in his response. “Are you interested in Kevin?”

  Rachel closed her eyes, inhaling slowly through her nose. She opened them and focused on his day-old stubble, turmoil sweeping over her. “What? I thought I made that clear last night.”

  “You only said you didn't want to go to the concert.”

  His question, its meaning were like a blow, slamming the truth to her core. Rachel’s hands flew to her hips. “I really don’t appreciate you trying to fix me up with him.”

  Paul reared back as if she'd slapped him. “I assure you, that’s not what I’m doing.”

  Her hands fell to her sides. “Then why do you keeping talking about him?”

  “You'll be going to the same school.” A heavy sigh emphasized his words. His gaze drifted away from hers, deep lines creasing between his eyes. He turned slowly, slipping his hands in his pockets. “He works for me and talks about you constantly until ich kann nimmi schnaufe.” He pronounced each syllable, the pitch of his voice deeper, as though each word was significant.

  Rachel's heart fluttered. “What? What does that mean?”

  “He talks about you ... until I can no longer breathe.”

  A smile danced across her mouth, spreading faster than she could stop it. “You want me to go out with him because he talks about me …”

  “Ach, nein. I don’t want you to go out with Kevin.” Paul advanced toward her and placed both hands on the tree, behind her, bringing his face only inches from hers. “I don’t want you to go out with anyone unless … that someone is me.” His voice lowered to a whisper, but she had no trouble hearing him.

  Warmth, delight, and a longing she'd never known flooded her.

  He lifted her chin compelling her to look at him. “I have strong feelings for you. Feelings I’ve never known. I tried to stay away, to get you out of my mind, but I can’t.” His hands rested on her waist. “I don’t want to stay away.”

  Rachel blinked against the sudden erratic rhythm of her heart. She swayed on her feet and covered her chest, trying to quiet her pounding heart. “You don't have to.”

  His gaze shifted to her mouth. Lips parted, he closed the distance between them and pressed his mouth against hers. It was an intoxicating mixture of passion and tenderness. His hand stretched across her lower back, scaling upward to the base of her neck. He webbed his fingers through her hair, intertwining the strands between his fingers, holding her tighter. Raising on her tiptoes, she wrapped both hands around his neck. His kiss deepened with urgency, and she trembled in response. Too quickly he loosened his hold on her.

  She lowered her lashes, unable to meet his gaze. She stared at the shadow of his day old stubble instead, unable to speak.

  He pulled her into an embrace, breathing against her hair. “I’ve never felt this way, ever.”

  Paul tucked her head beneath his chin. She concentrated on steadying her breathing, her trembling lips. He had kissed her. Actually kissed her. And it was amazing and staggering all at the same time.

  “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” He slowly worked his fingers through her hair tilting his head downward until their cheeks were touching.

  Their erratic breathing blended in the space between them. She was dazed by the warmth of his arms around her.

  With the tip of his nose he traced his way back to her lips giving her another soft kiss, and then another. When he pulled away, she fought to regain her composure.

  “I want you to be mine, Rachel Adams.”

  There was nothing she wanted more than to stay like this with him forever. Edging a few inches backward, he added distance between them. But he grasped her hand, bringing it to his chest. The touch injected a new dose of fire through her veins.

  “Is this okay? I don't want to make you uncomfortable.”

  She executed a small nod, unable to speak. He answered her with a smile, then cradled her hand and gently brushed his lips against each of her finger tips. She reminded herself to breathe.

  The way he looked at her made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. A look that spoke directly to her heart. A look that said, he would never tire of looking into her eyes, even after a lifetime.

  She couldn't place her finger on the exact moment her feelings for Paul changed, but as he slipped his fingers between hers and led her down the path, she became certain of one thing—she never wanted to lose him. Not ever.

  Paul was alone now, and the voices in his head were like daggers. What was Anna thinking? How could she spread lies about him? He could still see Rachel now. The way her damp lashes blinked, believing the worst of him. The way she'd examined his reaction when he'd told her the truth. The way it had strengthened his reaction toward her. He had wanted to taste her lips, to hold her, to take away her doubt.

  And then when that moment finally came, it had been earth shattering. It felt as if his world were suddenly tilting into the very place it was always meant to be.

  His emotions were too energized, too exposed. Being the Amish man everyone expected was the furthest thing from his mind, but it was the one thing he couldn't ignore. He had to be careful returning to his uncle’s house. His family could suspect nothing. But it would be hard to hide. The love gushing through his soul was greater than any consequence he would have to face.

  The sweet taste, the delicate sensation of her lips shadowed Paul's guilt. When she'd kissed him back it had almost been more than he could handle. The yearning to be closer had nearly suffocated him.

  Almost as suffocating as having to tell Rachel that they could tell no one.

  29

  When Rachel arrived at the restaurant, her emotions still smoldered on the edge of pure, untainted bliss. Then she noticed a plate of cinnamon rolls set on the counter with five balloons floating in mid-air. “What’s this?”

  Kelli grabbed her hand and pulled her forward. “It’s for you. This is your
last day ... for awhile. Mom wanted to do something special.”

  Kelli’s mom closed the distance between them and hugged her. “We’re going to miss you so much.”

  “I’ll be back to visit.”

  Mrs. Mavis held her at arm's length. “I most certainly hope so.”

  When Kelli's mom left the restaurant floor, Kelli spun to face her.

  “You are absolutely glowing. Did something happen?” The door bell jingled, and Kelli sighed. “You'll have to tell me later.”

  Rachel laughed, but the expression on Kelli’s face stopped her short. Something was wrong. Then she noticed her cousin and another guy had come in.

  “Hey, it's about time you came.” She waved her hands through the air. “It's my last day.”

  She glanced back at Kelli, but she had already disappeared.

  “Today? Really?” Tanner pulled her into a hug, and then Rachel led them to a table in her section.

  “Yeah, since school's starting back.”

  “Gotcha. Aunt Beverly's idea, huh?”

  “Something like that.”

  Rachel glanced at his friend, and Tanner took the hint. “This is my buddy, Eric Matthews.”

  Eric scooted into the booth. “I hear we’ll be going to school together.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You'll like it. It's a small school but everyone's friends with everyone.”

  Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. She hoped being the new girl wouldn't make a difference.

  Eric rested his elbows on the table. “How are you liking Amish country so far?”

  “It's fascinating.”

  “It took me a while to get used to it, but eventually it grew on me.”

  “You're not from here?”

  “Not originally. I'm from a big city back east.” He offered no more details, so she didn't press him. “I'm sure we'll see each other plenty once school starts.”

  Rachel smiled, thankful to have one more face she'd recognize the first day. He would be easy to spot. Tall, dark, and good looking. She took their order before returning to the kitchen. Kelli was fixing a cup of coffee.

  “How do you know Tanner Mitchell?” Kelli's expression pleaded for an explanation.

  “Tanner’s my cousin, well, my second cousin. Our moms are first cousins. You know him?”

  “Not nearly as much as I would like to. I have always had the biggest crush on that boy.”

  “What?” Rachel couldn’t hide the laughter in her voice. “Tanner?”

  “Yes.” Kelli squealed.

  “Do you know his friend Eric, too?”

  “Yes, he’s graduating with us.” Kelli leaned back on the counter. “Eric's a super nice guy and Tanner’s your cousin. I cannot believe this.”

  Rachel laughed. “It's been a few years since I've seen him, until he came over the other day.”

  “Tell me what happened with Paul.”

  The doorbell jingled again.

  “We'll have to talk later.” Rachel pushed the door open with her hip, her hands holding the tray crowded with glasses of orange juice, coffee cups, and a pitcher of coffee. She cast one last glance at Kelli. “Paul's taking me to dinner. Tonight.”

  Rachel returned to the dining room to find she had two more tables, so she couldn’t talk to Tanner much either.

  The afternoon plodded on at an irritably slow pace. When she finally arrived home, she moved to the front porch swing and was reading a chapter from her Bible study book when Paul pulled into the yard. Rachel fiddled with the book's edge, casually observing Paul’s steady movements. He unloaded a long stack of timber, his muscles bulging under the strain. Then he carried them toward the back yard. What if he thought he’d made a mistake? He hadn’t looked in her direction, and she glanced at the front door. Could she slip back inside without him noticing?

  Before she had the chance to move, Paul walked toward the front porch and took the steps two at a time. He leaned against the column, keeping a safe distance, never taking his eyes from hers. She tried to smile, but her head swam with doubt. Why wasn’t he moving closer?

  “You haven't changed your mind about going to dinner?”

  “No, I've been looking forward to it all day.” Her voice sounded formal and foolish. Would they always fall into awkward moments?

  “I have a few more things to finish, and I'll head home to shower and be back to pick you up. I can be here at six.” He took a step closer and without thinking, she leaned forward. “Is that gut?”

  “It's perfect.”

  “All right.” As he walked away, his familiar chuckle reached her, heating places she hadn't known existed.

  * * *

  Thunder rumbled overhead and dark clouds hovered over them as Rachel climbed into Paul's buggy. Not until she was settled in the cab did Paul release her and walk around to his side.

  Once he reached the main road, Paul took her hand and squeezed it gently. “My cousin Mary knows about us.”

  Rachel swiftly glanced at Paul, the butterflies in her stomach taking flight. “She does?”

  “Jah. I told her about you.”

  She grabbed hold of his sleeve. “What did she say?”

  “She knew the day we came into the restaurant together.”

  A thrill of hope ruptured through her. “How could she have known then?” She laughed. “I thought she was your girlfriend.”

  “I should've introduced you.”

  “What about your aunt?”

  “I haven't told her yet. It's complicated.” His voice was grave, like he was struggling to speak. “It’s not because I don’t want them to know. I do. They just don't agree with Amish and Englischers dating. I have to find a way ...”

  His last few words faded, and suddenly the excitement vanished, and in its place doubt materialized. How could they have a relationship when he couldn't tell his whole family? Rachel focused on the corn-stalks, feeling lost. He was even taking her to another town, one where he wouldn’t be recognized.

  “Please don’t let this bother you. I just don’t know how to handle it yet.”

  She gripped the buggy seat. What did that mean? His family would never approve of her. Maybe he didn’t believe they would last long. When he glanced at her, the haggard look on his face apprehended her. It was going to be difficult for him. It was difficult for him. But he was here with her, no one else, not an Amish girl. He was here with her.

  They reached the restaurant, and he helped her down. Then he slipped his fingers between hers, and his touch soaked through her skin, creating an avalanche of uncertainty. The vulnerability in his eyes was innocent, sincere. How could she be so selfish? Within those few seconds, the gentle caress of his callused fingers brushing against her palm caused her negative thoughts to vanish.

  They chose a corner booth, and Paul took the seat next to her. “I hope you don’t mind.” The moment seemed surreal. She was on a date with Paul Fischer. “The only thing about sitting next to you is I won’t be able to stare into your beautiful brown eyes all night.” He took her hand and squeezed it. “But I had to make a choice between the two.”

  A sense of yearning trailed across her skin, tickling the back of her neck, and sinking into her belly. “You think I have beautiful eyes?”

  “Jah. The most beautiful I've ever seen.”

  “Paul Fischer?”

  The deep voice startled Rachel, and she stiffened and sat straight back against the wood booth. Anxiety swirled in her stomach, creating a merciless churning. She yanked her hand away from Paul’s and clamped them together in her lap, but it was too late. There was no denying it, they were together. On a date. Her face burned as she stared at the menu.

  “What're you doing all the way out here in Millersville? Aren't you still working in Paradise?” The deep male voice boomed across the restaurant, and Rachel was sure at least three tables in each direction heard every word.

  Paul cleared his throat. “Jah, I'm still in Paradise. We’re just out to dinner.”

  “Wit
h a beautiful young lady?”

  Rachel met the man's gaze and pushed her lips upward into a full curve though it felt more unnatural than anything she’d ever done. He was wearing a T-shirt, jeans, and a ball cap. Definitely not Amish.

  Paul’s voice broke their eye contact, and she stole a peek at him, his expression calmer than she’d expected. “This is Rachel Adams. Rachel, Caleb Lapp.”

  Maybe Paul wasn’t worried about being seen with her in public away from his community. Maybe he only had to worry about his Amish friends. But Lapp sounded very Amish.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Rachel. I'll let you two have your date. Just wanted to say hullo. See you around, Paul.”

  Paul wasted no time stealing her hand from her lap. “Do you care if I have this back?” The churning in her stomach stopped. If he wasn’t going to let it bother him, neither was she.

  * * *

  When he pulled into her driveway after dinner, he rushed around to help her down. Her feet were steady on the ground, but still he held to her waist, compelling her to look at him.

  Then they strolled to the other side of the buggy escaping the overhead light spilling all around them. Her pulse quickened, creating a tingling flutter in the pit of her belly. “Stop looking at me that way.”

  The corners of his lips curved into a charming smile. “Why?”

  Her body reacted even as the words were forming on her lips. “Because if you don’t, I’m going to kiss you.”

  He leaned forward allowing their bodies to meld as he pressed his lips against hers, his hand groping through her hair and settling on her neck. But the kiss didn't last nearly long enough.

  “I'm sorry, Rachel.”

  Sorry. Where had that come from? So consumed with the thought of kissing him, it took a moment to realize why he apologized.

  They had a problem.

  A real problem. One she didn't want to face it right now, but had no choice. “What do you want to do?”