Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  Two seconds after I sat down, two girls approached me. Pulling chairs in so they were on either side of me, they spoke at almost the same time. “Kellan Kyle! We love your music!”

  Their eyes were darting over my face and body, and I wondered if they meant what they’d just said. As courteously as I could, I replied, “Thank you. That means a lot to me.”

  Both girls feverishly flirted with me until it was time to go onstage. I was certain I could go on a date with either one of them, if I wanted. Maybe both, if they were up for it. I didn’t ask though; my mind was other places. Denny would be here soon.

  When it was time for us to go play, a familiar feeling washed over me—anxiousness mixed with peace. As I walked up the steps to the stage worn with use, I felt the remnants of who I was melting off me. Onstage, none of my worries touched me. It was like I was a different person. Like I was acting, and yet I was being more truthful than I ever was off the stage. I bled my heart out while I was performing, not that many people truly noticed; they were too busy enjoying the showmanship to dig beneath the surface of the words. There was safety in the scrutiny, anonymity in the spotlight. I felt invincible up there. Just me and my guitar.

  Behind me was the coolest backdrop of any stage I’d been on to date. The wall was pitch-black, and covered with old guitars in every shape, size, and model you could think of. None of them held a candle to my simple acoustic instrument though. Sometimes the most beautiful things in the world were overlooked because of their flashier counterparts. I preferred quiet beauty.

  As I gripped the microphone stand, I shifted my gaze out in front of me. Ear-splitting screams blended into one giant wall of sound. Girls of every race, age, and size were jockeying for position in front of my feet. I smiled down at them with an expression that was as much encouragement as it was a come-on. They ate it up, jumping and waving their hands so I’d notice them. I lifted my eyes to take in the crowd farther back from the stage. Clumps of people surrounded the various tables. The bar was packed. Good. I liked playing to a full house.

  “Evenin’, Seattle,” I murmured into the microphone.

  The girls right in front of the stage started shrieking again. One of them to the left of me slumped like she was fainting. Luckily one of her friends caught her and helped her to her feet; I’d hate to be the cause of someone getting seriously injured.

  “Everybody doing okay tonight?” I asked while Matt, Griffin, and Evan got situated. There was a flurry of answers from the bar, most of them of a positive nature. I glanced at my bandmates, saw that they were settled and ready, and turned my attention back to the crowd. “Let’s get this party started then!”

  I pointed behind me to Evan. He took my cue and began the first song on our set list. A hard, driving beat filled the bar, and I lost myself to the rhythm. Matt and Griffin joined in for their parts, and then I joined in for mine. The girls near me went crazy. I played with them, flirted a little, made each and every one of them feel like I was anxious to meet up with her later tonight. I wasn’t going to, not tonight anyway, but what harm did it do to make them believe that? Everyone wanted a little fantasy in their life.

  Throughout our set, I kept one eye on the doors for Denny. He should be showing up any time. I wondered if he’d look the same—unruly dark hair that stuck up everywhere; short, skinny frame. I wondered what his girlfriend looked like. I kept picturing her as a petite blond thing for some reason.

  The song we were singing was a fan favorite, and everywhere I looked people were singing along. I focused in on the group in front of me. Propping a foot up on a speaker, I leaned out into the crowd, letting them touch me. It was complete mayhem, but the way they grinned made me smile. It was nice to be able to make people happy, even if it was for a really strange reason.

  I was suggestively running my hand down my body when I felt something. It was the oddest sensation I’d ever felt, like lightning was about to strike and the air was charged with static electricity; even though it was warm in the bar, my skin was pebbled with goose bumps. I kept the majority of my attention on the girls clamoring for me to notice them, but I lifted my eyes to the doors.

  There was a girl being led into the bar. Whoever was with her was weaving her through the packed crowd. I couldn’t see the person in the lead at all, and was only catching glimpses of the mystery woman, but it was enough. I saw hundreds of girls every night, some plain, some beautiful enough to be highly sought-after cover models, but this girl…even seeing her through a crowd, there was something about her that sang to me. It nearly stopped me in my tracks. Mentally, at least. I was having difficulty getting the right words to come out of my mouth. I was sure I’d said those last two lines completely wrong.

  It was almost like I’d been punched in the gut. My breath felt strained, and I was getting sort of light-headed. What was it about her that affected me so much? I didn’t entirely know, and it freaked me out. She was studying the band as I discreetly studied her, and from what I could see of her expression, she didn’t seem overly thrilled with us. I wondered why.

  Wavy brown hair bounced along her shoulder blades as she walked through my field of vision. It was hard to clearly make her out with the space and bodies between us, but I saw long legs under her jean shorts; they seemed to go on forever. And she was wearing a tight shirt that highlighted her small, perky breasts. The light yellow fabric almost reached her waistline, and the thin band of skin around her middle showcased her trim stomach in a classy but tantalizing way. She was long and lean like she was a runner, like me. I wondered if we had that in common. Then I wondered what else we had in common. Blue eyes? A love of music? An almost debilitating need to never be alone?

  I wanted to keep covertly staring at her all night long, but I couldn’t let this odd, overwhelming sensation of attraction distract me from the fans. I had a job to do, after all. I dropped my eyes to my girls and gave them all of my gyrating, teasing attention as I tempted them with my voice and my body. Whoever this random woman was, I’d probably never see her after tonight. And if I was going to meet her at all, it would have to be after our gig. There was no need to fixate on her now.

  Even still, I couldn’t resist a peek, and I again shifted my eyes to take her in. Oddly, she and the person she was with, who I could now see was a guy, were talking to Sam against the far wall. Sam seemed happy to be talking with the pair. Sam rarely looked that way at work, especially on a night when the bar was jam-packed full of people. Or potential problems, as he liked to call them. But he was smiling. He even reached out and gave the guy a hug. That was when it hit me. The guy was Denny. The girl I was instantly attracted to, even from the massive distance between us…was Denny’s girlfriend.

  Well, of course she was.

  I instantly locked my eyes onto the fans in front of me and amped up my seduction of them. I even reached out to touch a few of them, since they were safe. Denny’s girlfriend was not safe. I could not be having thoughts about her. It was inappropriate on so many levels. I may on occasion have slept with girls who were in committed relationships, because who was I to judge what someone decided to do with their body, but I wouldn’t do that to Denny. He was my brother. My family. The only real family I had in this world, besides my band.

  Missing my long-gone friend, I looked up to make eye contact with him. I wanted to make sure he got his key, make sure he was settled, maybe even give him a quick wave, even though I was still singing. I spotted him clutching the girl’s hand, and a smile broke out through my words. Denny looked older, for sure, but he still had that youthfulness about him that made me want to reach out and give him a noogie. The innocence on his face, in his smile, warmed my heart. I’d do anything for this guy. Give my life for him if necessary.

  Denny’s girlfriend—Kiera, if I remembered correctly—was gazing up at him like he was the moon and stars to her. I let go of my initial attraction and smiled over their relationship. He was clearly happy with her, and it was obvious they were in love. I pushed ba
ck my own desires and only let my happiness for him shine through. I gave him a small wave as the song ended, and he lifted his chin and raised his key to let me know he had it.

  Hating to break eye contact with the friend I was itching to catch up with, I quickly glanced at Matt and gave him the okay to start the next song. The job came first, especially when I was onstage. The song Matt started playing was one of my favorites. It was also one of the most painful songs for me. I had written it about my parents. It was sort of my plea for them to love me. Too little. Too late. They never had, and now that they were gone, they never would. I still sang it almost every night though. Hopeless as it was, I couldn’t stop trying to win their affection.

  For a moment, I was so lost in the words and the painful memories that everything else faded into the background. Then I found my gaze wandering to Kiera. She was leaving the bar with Denny. She glanced back at me at the last minute though. Lips parted, her expression was awed as she watched me cut open my heart and bleed out all over the stage. Maybe it was the lights, but I could have sworn her eyes were watering, like she understood that this song was painful for me. That I had to fight against my throat constricting with every syllable. That the only reason I could sing it at all was because of endless rehearsals and performances. For the first time in a long time, I was looking at someone who saw me. Not the rock star, not the playboy, but me. The real me. And for the first time in a long time, terror crawled up my spine. Kiera shivered, like she also shared my fear, then she disappeared with Denny.

  This girl…she’d already made an impression, and I hadn’t even been introduced to her yet. The three of us all living together could be an incredible, eye-opening experience. Or it could be a living nightmare. Either way, it was definitely going to be interesting.

  Chapter 3

  Glad You’re Back

  The sun was blinding, and a surge of panic raced through me. It was morning. Denny was leaving.

  Feeling dread circling around me, I rushed to Denny’s bedroom. His door was closed. Was he still asleep? He didn’t answer when I lightly rapped on it, so I knocked harder. “Denny?” When he didn’t respond, I cracked his door open. “Denny?” The room was completely empty, and my voice echoed back to me. He was gone? But I hadn’t said goodbye…

  I ran down the stairs, yelling at my parents to wait for me. No one was there though, and nothing but silence answered me. I checked every room in the house, but I was completely alone. In a daze, I stared at the front door. They’d left without me. My parents had stolen my final goodbye to the best friend I’d ever had. Those fucking assholes. Hot tears stung my eyes. That was just like them to steal any moment of happiness from me that they could. I was probably never going to see Denny again.

  Just as that thought pounded through my brain, I heard a car pull into the driveway. Overwhelmed with guilt and anger, I screamed at my father when he stepped through the front door. “How could you leave without letting me say goodbye!”

  When I stepped within range, the back of Dad’s hand lashed out and bashed my jaw. I tasted blood in my mouth, and it surprised me so much I fell to the ground. I’d gotten used to Dad backing off with Denny around. I’d grown complacent…comfortable. But Denny wasn’t around anymore. I was on my own.

  When I peered up at Dad, he had a look on his face that bordered on happiness. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to do that?” he asked, his voice gruff.

  Beginning to tremble, I scooted back until my spine was against the wall. “I’m sorry,” I immediately sputtered. How could I forget what he was really like so quickly?

  Dad narrowed his eyes, then slowly and methodically removed his belt. I felt like I was going to be sick as I watched him, and knowing that I couldn’t run, that I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, made tears haze my vision.

  While Mom stood behind Dad with apathetic eyes, he calmly said, “It seems to me that you got off easy while we had company. You flaunted our leniency…tested us, abused our kindness. You made us look like fools.” His voice heated and his face darkened. When the belt was free of his slacks, he folded it in two. Grabbing each end, he snapped the leather, making a horrible crack that I knew was going to hurt like hell.

  Shaking my head, I murmured, “I’m sorry.”

  He ignored me. Stepping right in front of me, he bit out, “Did you think we’d let you get away with that kind of insolence forever? Did you think there wouldn’t be a price to pay for your actions? There’s always a price, Kellan. And it’s high time you learned that.”

  I woke up with a start, my chest heaving, my heart racing. With shaking fingers, I raked a hand through my hair. You would think the nightmares would stop once the people who had inspired them were dead, but that wasn’t the case. I frequently had bad dreams, some based on reality, some founded in fantasy. The one that had just startled me to alertness was real. It had happened just like that. My parents had taken Denny away while I’d been sleeping, and when I’d chewed Dad out when they’d returned, Dad had made up for all the times he hadn’t hit me that year. He’d left me bruised and bloody; just breathing had hurt.

  That was the day I’d decided to run away the minute I graduated. I’d decided to run away and never look back. Only, I had. I’d looked back, and I’d come back, because in the end, regardless of how they’d treated me while they were alive, they were still my parents, and I couldn’t not say goodbye to them.

  Feeling slow and sort of dazed as I shook off the remnants of my dream, I climbed out of bed. I needed water. I pulled open my slightly cracked door, and there in front of me was a sight that made all thoughts of my nightmare evaporate.

  Denny’s girlfriend, Kiera, was exiting the bathroom that was tucked between the two bedrooms. She’d apparently just taken a shower, and she had one of my thin, tiny towels wrapped around her body. The scant material didn’t leave a whole lot to the imagination. She had it tight around her chest, but there was a gap between the bottom edges of the towel that ran right up to above her hip bone. And it was quite possibly the sexiest hip bone I’d ever seen.

  Scratching a sudden itch on my chest, I let out a lazy yawn and forcefully shoved that thought to the far corners of my mind. Nope, not this girl.

  She seemed shocked to see me. Or maybe it was how she was seeing me that was shocking to her. My presence shouldn’t be surprising. I did live here, after all. Her eyes were wide as they took me in, starting at my messy head of sandy-brown hair and lingering on my exposed abs. It took a lot of willpower, but I stopped myself from becoming even the tiniest bit aroused by her inspection. Denny would not like the idea of his girlfriend giving me a woody, although I didn’t think he could fault me for being human.

  Now that she was so close to me, I could see she had hazel eyes. Beautiful eyes. I’d never seen a pair quite that color; they seemed alive, shifting and changing in the light. I had the strongest desire to take her outside so I could watch the browns and greens flux and deepen in the sunlight. I supposed that wouldn’t be appropriate at the moment though, especially given the fact that we hadn’t even been introduced yet. Well, that was something I could rectify.

  Tilting my head, I said, “You must be Kiera.”

  I was about to tell her my name was Kellan when she awkwardly extended her hand, like she wanted me to shake it. “Yes…hi,” she mumbled. Her attempt to be formal while wearing only a towel made me want to laugh, but she seemed really embarrassed about the situation, so I only gave her a small smile as I took her hand. Her palm was warm, soft with moisture from her recent shower. The contact was so pleasant, I could have held on to her for a lot longer, but I let go.

  Her chest flushed with color and she shifted her weight like she really wanted to turn around and run. Instead of fleeing, she said, “You’re Kellan?” I could almost see her mentally kicking herself for asking me that. Process of elimination would tell her who I was. She was awkward, shy, adorable, and beautiful. A deadly combination. Denny was a lucky man.

  “
Mmmm…” I answered her, distracted. There was something about the way she said my name that was mesmerizing. It was the way her lips moved when she spoke. She had amazing lips, full, with a slight curve to the corners that I bet gave her an incredible smile. It was probably inappropriate for me to think it, but I wanted to see a bright, carefree, un-self-conscious smile.

  Kiera seemed uncomfortable under my scrutiny, but instead of telling me to go away or stop leering at her, she apologized. “Sorry about the water. I think I used all of the hot side.”

  She turned and put her hand on the doorknob of her room, clearly using this moment as a chance to escape. I had to smile at her polite consideration of any potential problems she may have caused. It wasn’t an issue though. A shower wasn’t really what I wanted just now. Although, just by talking to her, the horror attached to the memory of my dream was fading. I should thank her for the distraction.

  With genuine sincerity, I told her, “No problem. I’ll just use it tonight, before I leave.”

  She mumbled, “See you later then,” before dashing into her room, almost slamming the door in her haste to get away. A small chuckle escaped me. God, she was cute. And sweet. A good match for Denny.

  No longer needing water, I made a quick visit to the bathroom and then returned to my room for a few push-ups and crunches to get me going. Lyrics flashed through my brain while I exercised. Not wanting to lose the thoughts floating through my mind, I stopped my routine early and grabbed a notebook from my drawer. I had a ton of them spread throughout my house. It really wasn’t the best way to organize my thoughts, especially since lyrics for one song could be inside four or five books, all in different rooms. If anything ever happened to me, Matt and Evan would have a bitch of a time compiling my thoughts into a coherent song.

  I could hear sounds of passion coming from Denny and Kiera’s room while I jotted down some random verses. I paused to listen for a second, then with a shake of my head and a chuckle, I blocked them out and continued working. Hearing people have sex through the walls was nothing new to me. Hell, I’d been at parties before where the couple was getting busy in the same room as me. I didn’t care. People were free to do what they wanted. And really, every morning should start off with a little nookie.