Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  When I heard her coming down the stairs, my hands started shaking. “Stop it,” I whispered, clenching and unclenching them. She didn’t need to know I was freaking out. I inhaled a deep breath, then put on my game face. I should probably thank my parents for giving me so many opportunities to perfect it.

  Besides my heart rate spiking, everything was normal when Kiera stepped into the kitchen. Her cheeks reddened, so she was probably still embarrassed. I didn’t give her time to dwell on it. “Mornin’. Coffee?” I extended the steaming cup in my hand to her.

  She smiled as she took it. The weariness under her eyes hadn’t lessened any; she must have slept about as well as I had. “Thank you.”

  I poured another cup for me while Kiera poured creamer into hers. We sat at the table together, and a second of sadness washed over me. We hadn’t hugged. Kiera frowned, and my thought evaporated. Fuck. She wants to talk. No, please. Let’s just let it go. Some things don’t ever need to be talked about. Like how much I want you, and how wrong it is to feel that way.

  “What?” I whispered, wishing I were anywhere but here.

  She looked confused as she pointed to my shirt. “You never did get me one, you know.”

  I looked down at my T-shirt. It was the Douchebags one she’d mentioned before that she’d wanted. I’d been meaning to grab her one, but it had slipped my mind.

  Relief washed through me that we weren’t having the conversation from hell, the one I’d been dreading all morning. “Oh…you’re right.” I was brimming with good feelings now that we were past the hard part. Not wanting to deal with Griffin anytime soon and liking the idea of Kiera wearing my shirt, I stood and slipped it off. Her eyes brightened at my half-nakedness; she suddenly didn’t look tired at all. The way she looked at my body made me want to be naked all the time, but that wasn’t exactly a good idea. The connection between us was already difficult enough.

  I fixed the shirt and looped it over her head. She just gaped at me, so I put her arms through the sleeves like she was a child. “There, you can have mine.” She looked good in my shirt. I should have given it to her ages ago.

  She sputtered on a response as her cheeks turned a charming shade of rose. “I didn’t mean…You didn’t have to…”

  She couldn’t seem to form any more words than that. So cute. I got the gist of what she was saying though, and I laughed as I told her, “Don’t worry about it. I can get more. You wouldn’t believe how many of those damn things Griffin made.”

  I turned to leave the room, then looked back at Kiera. She was staring at my ass. When she realized she’d been caught, her cheeks went from rosy to bright red. Most girls I knew would devour me with their eyes and not give a shit if I noticed, but Kiera was always so embarrassed. Containing my laughter, I smiled and looked down. She was so damn adorable, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, I loved the way she looked at me.

  “I’ll be right back,” I told her. I gave her another smile, then left the room to get another shirt. My grin was uncontainable as I bounded up the stairs. Thank the fucking stars up above…we weren’t going to talk about it. We were going to sweep the incident under the rug, where it belonged.

  While we weren’t mentioning last night, I wasn’t sure where we stood on…well, cuddling was probably the best way to put it. Part of me wanted it to stop; the rest of me couldn’t stop. As long as she was okay with me holding her, I wanted her in my arms.

  It took her most of the day to approach me, but when I settled on the couch to watch a little TV before rehearsal, she stared at me with longing. Since I needed her touch and we hadn’t even hugged today, I held my arm out and patted the couch in invitation. Please.

  She gave me a breathtaking grin and snuggled into my side. I closed my eyes, content. Nothing had changed. We could still do this. We were fine. Everything was fine.

  Our routine continued like nothing strange had happened between us. I did notice a small change though. Our touches seemed more…intimate. When we hugged, my hands rested farther down her hips, her breasts pressed more firmly against my chest, her fingers ran up and down my neck, and her head was angled toward me, not away from me. I loved every second of it though, so I wasn’t about to complain.

  As usual, she was still asleep when I left my room the next Tuesday. I pictured her sprawled out on Joey’s bed. Or maybe she was curled up into a lonely ball? I wished I could open the door to look, to watch her as she slept, but that would be weird if she caught me. Kind of creepy actually. With a sigh, I headed downstairs. There were just certain aspects of life that we’d never get to share; sleeping together was one of them.

  To perk myself up, I sang while I made a pot of coffee. I started out singing a popular song on the radio, but by the time the coffee was done, I was singing a D-Bags song. It was typically a fast song, but I sang it slow, like a ballad. It actually worked really well that way. I’d have to tell Evan to add it to our acoustic playlist.

  Kiera stumbled into the kitchen while I was singing. She stopped and listened like she’d never heard me sing before. I loved the way she really listened to me when I sang, like she was trying to absorb the meaning as well as the words. Most people I met didn’t bother.

  She was leaning against the counter in an unconsciously appealing way. It had been hours since I’d had her in my arms, and since I was still suffering from a bit of melancholy, I found I couldn’t wait another moment to touch her. Reaching out, I pulled her to me for a dance. She gasped in surprise, then her face brightened. She’d been a little off this morning too. Wanting to make her smile, I twirled her away, then back to me, then dipped her. It worked, she laughed. It gave me a thrill that I could make us both a little happier.

  I slipped both arms around her waist, and she let out a happy sigh as she laced her arms around my neck. There was nothing quite like dancing with her. The way our bodies moved together, the way she felt in my arms…I could have done this all day, but I knew I had to end the moment sooner or later. I didn’t need a repeat of “porn night,” and I had a feeling if I slow danced like this with her for too long, the urge to kiss her would overwhelm me. Good intentions or not, I was only human, after all.

  I stopped moving and Kiera stopped too. We gazed at each other, and my heart started beating harder. She was so close to me, and she felt so good. Her lips would feel even better. Her fingers were threading through my hair, sending bolts of delight down my body. Did she realize how amazing that was?

  As if she could hear my thoughts, she removed her fingers from my hair and rested them on my shoulders. Knowing we were heading toward dangerous territory again, I quietly began my question. “I know you’d rather have Denny here…” She stiffened in my arms and I cursed myself for bringing him up. I had to though. We both needed the reminder. “—But could I take you to school on your first day?”

  She seemed flustered, by either me or my question, I didn’t know which. She was at ease when she answered me though. “I guess you’ll do,” she said with a playful smirk.

  Laughing, I squeezed her, then let her go; it was really hard to let her go. Needing a task, I stepped to the cabinet and got a mug down for her. “That’s not something I’m used to women saying,” I muttered, trying to keep up the lightness.

  Kiera took it the wrong way though. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

  I laughed again as I started pouring coffee for her. Did she actually think she’d offended me? It would take a lot more than that. I glanced in her direction. “I’m just kidding, Kiera.” My eyes returned to her mug. “Well, kind of.” That really wasn’t something I heard from women. In a twisted way, it was kind of refreshing to hear it.

  When it was time, I drove Kiera to class. She was a bundle of nerves, worse than her first day at Pete’s. If she could only see what I saw when I looked at her—beauty, grace, humor, intelligence—she wouldn’t be nervous at all about school. She’d walk into her classroom like she owned it.

  Kiera looked ill when I stopped the car. I cou
ldn’t drop her off and make her walk to class that way. She might actually throw up, and that was an embarrassment she didn’t need on the first day. I was pretty sure I could keep her calm enough to at least prevent puking, so I cracked open my door and hopped out of the car.

  Her expression was bewildered as she watched me walk around to her side. When I opened her door for her, she crooked a grin. “I think I can handle that.” She nodded at the door as she stood from the car.

  I laughed as I grabbed her hand. I knew she was able. Willing, now that was another story. Smiling, I indicated the building where her class was. “Come on.”

  She looked up at me, curious. “And where are you going?”

  I laughed as I looked down at her. “I’m walking you to class…obviously.”

  Like she felt I was being unreasonable, she rolled her eyes; the gesture was clearly from embarrassment though, not irritation. “You don’t have to. I can manage.”

  “Maybe I want to,” I said, giving her hand a squeeze. We approached the building and I opened the door and held it for her. As she walked through, I added, “It’s not like my mornings are earth-shatteringly busy or anything. I’d probably just be napping.” Or thinking of you.

  She laughed as she looked back at me. “Why do you get up so early then?”

  I let out a wry laugh as I walked beside her down the hall. “It’s not by choice…trust me.” No, my dad had ingrained my sleep patterns in me long ago. Now, I usually woke up around the same time every day, and if I didn’t, if I slept in for some reason, more often than not, I woke up in a panic, half expecting to see him at the foot of my bed. Even though he was long gone, the irrational fear remained. “I would rather sleep in than function on four or five hours a night.”

  She told me I should nap and I told her I would. And I might, actually. I could use the refresher, and it would make the time fly by. We’d reached her classroom, and I held this door open for her as well. She gave me an odd, calculating expression, and I wondered if she thought I was going to walk her to her seat. I hadn’t planned on it…but I would if she wanted me to. “Would you like me to walk you in?” I asked, only half teasing.

  She released my hand and pushed me back. “No,” she playfully responded. She stared at me for a moment, her expression turning serious and adoring. I loved seeing that look on her. “Thank you, Kellan.” Leaning over, she gave me a soft kiss on the cheek. I loved that too. It made that warmth I felt whenever she was near grow stronger.

  I looked down, then peeked up at her. “You’re welcome.” I’d do anything for you. “I’ll pick you up later.” She started to protest, but I quickly cut her off with a look. After she consented to me giving her a ride home, I checked out her classroom full of studious, young eager beavers. Telling her to have fun, I turned and headed out. Curious, I looked back to see if she was watching me leave. She was. That made my chest squirm, but in a good way. I held my hand up in a wave. Being at school with her wasn’t so bad…I could get used to this.

  I ended up taking her to school every day that week. By Friday, I was thoroughly enjoying our new routine, and while I missed her during the day, seeing the gratitude on her face when I walked her to class in the morning and the excitement in her eyes when I picked her up in the afternoon made the time apart worth it. For a minute, I could pretend that I meant everything to her, because she was certainly starting to mean everything to me. And if you pretend something long enough, it eventually becomes real. Right?

  Chapter 9

  Cure for Heartache

  I closed up my guitar case, eager to go home. It was Sunday, still pretty early in the evening, and Kiera wasn’t working tonight. Now that rehearsal was over, we could have the entire night together. If I hurried, I could possibly make it home before she had dinner and we could eat together. Maybe I’d attempt to make something for her tonight. Spaghetti? I wasn’t the greatest cook, but boiling water was something I could do.

  I glanced up at Evan and Matt. “See you tomorrow.” I have a date. Well, not a date, but I have somewhere to be.

  Evan gave me such an odd look that I froze. Either he suspected something…or I was forgetting something. “What?” I asked, slowly.

  Evan didn’t say anything, he just tilted his head at Matt and raised his eyebrows. That was when it hit me. “Fuck. Matt. It’s your birthday. I’m sorry, man, I totally forgot.”

  Matt’s cheeks turned red as he scratched his head. “Don’t worry about it, Kell. It’s no big deal.” He gave Evan a pointed glance. “We don’t have to do anything special. Just playing with you guys was enough.”

  Griffin was sitting on the back of the couch. He made a disgusted noise at Matt’s comment. “Screw that. We’re partying. No birthday is complete until you’ve upchucked your dinner.” He scrunched his brow in concentration. “Have we eaten yet?”

  Evan smiled at Matt. “Nope, not yet. Where you wanna go, birthday boy?”

  Matt’s expression was bordering on irritated. He really didn’t like being the center of attention. “I’m not five…please don’t call me that.” He sighed. “I don’t know…somewhere low-key, where they don’t make a big deal out of a person being one year closer to death.”

  Griffin raised his eyebrows. “Wow. Morbid much? How old are you again? Seventy-two?”

  Matt held up both of his middle fingers. “I’m this old.”

  Griffin grinned. “Eleven?” His smile grew as he turned to me. “Sounds about right.”

  Even as I laughed at Griffin’s joke, my insides felt like ash. Kiera would be home alone now, and for probably most of the night. I wouldn’t get another chance to spend an evening with her alone for…well, it would feel like forever. I couldn’t not go out with the guys tonight though.

  Making myself smile, I told Griffin, “I know this place where they make everyone wear insulting hats and the staff abuses you all night long.”

  Griffin jumped off the couch. “Fuck yeah, let’s do that! Like, what do they do to you though?” Turning around, he bent over the couch and stuck his ass in the air. “Will they spank me if I’m naughty?”

  Matt pointed a finger at his cousin. “There is no way in hell I’m going anywhere where he might get spanked.” Shrugging, he added, “Can we just go to Pete’s?”

  Holding in a sigh, I shrugged. “It’s your night. Pete’s it is.” Why couldn’t Kiera be working tonight? Maybe I’d call her once we got there and invite her over. I hopped in my car feeling a little irritated but willing to let it go. It wasn’t like I didn’t see Kiera all the time. But…I was all too aware that I was missing out on time alone with her, and I had this horrible feeling that our time together was fleeting.

  I tried to sneak off to the back to make a phone call when I got to Pete’s, but Griffin walked in the door with me. Grabbing my arm, he immediately pulled me to the bar. Slamming his hand down on the counter, he announced, “Round of Jäger for the band, Reets. We’re getting fucked up tonight!”

  Rita smirked at Griffin’s nickname for her, then leaned in to kiss my cheek. Without looking like I was pulling away from her, I moved out of reach. She sighed at the near miss. “Anything for my favorite rock stars.” She pursed her lips like she was kissing me in her mind. “Mm, mm, mm,” she muttered as she started pouring shots.

  Griffin raised his drink in the air when they were all passed out. Loud enough for the entire bar to hear, he exclaimed, “To my cousin, who finally grew pubes this year, and is hoping to touch a naked woman for the first time…Happy birthday!”

  The entire bar was laughing. Evan and I were laughing too while Griffin downed his shot alone. Afterward, he stuck his tongue out, making a face, while Matt gave him a blank stare. “I really fucking hate you,” he said dispassionately to Griffin.

  Griffin stole his drink and downed it too. “I know,” he said with a smirk when he was done. Then he grabbed Matt by the neck and gave him a noogie.

  Matt eventually started laughing as he tried to get away, and just like that
, the two constantly fighting cousins were best friends. Shaking my head at the pair of them, I handed Matt my shot. He gladly slung it back. Evan took his, then we set our glasses on the bar, where they were immediately refilled.

  It was ages before I was finally able to slip away. I headed to the bathroom hallway and found the pay phone in the back. No one really used it anymore, and it was a little dusty when I picked up the handset. I found some change in my pocket and dialed home, but it just rang and rang. The machine didn’t even pick up, which I thought was a little odd; Kiera was obsessed with making sure it was on and ready to record any calls from Denny that she might have missed.

  All I could come up with was that Kiera had gone to bed. I’d missed her. An almost overwhelming sadness filled me, but I threw on a smile for my band’s sake. I didn’t want them asking questions when I returned to the table.

  By the time the evening wrapped up, it was late. I’d stopped drinking a while ago so I could drive home, but I still felt a little off when I shut my car off in the driveway. I smiled when I noticed Denny’s Honda beside my car. Kiera was home and safe in bed. I loved knowing she was here, sleeping only a few feet away from me…as soon as I could get my slow ass through the door. Maybe some water would help clear my head. Yeah. Water would be good.

  Intent on hydration, I made a beeline for the kitchen when I got into the house. I tossed my keys on the counter, then came to a standstill when I realized I wasn’t alone. Kiera was still up, dressed in her pajamas…and she was clearly upset. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face a little puffy, and she was downing a glass of wine like it was juice. Something was very, very wrong. My heart sped up in anticipation.

  “Hey,” I said, trying to sound casual.

  She didn’t answer me, just kept drinking her wine. I could tell from the empty bottle on the counter that she was almost at the end of her supply. There was only one thing that would make her this distraught…