Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  The fury on her face was instant. And satisfying. I’d hurt her. Good. Now she truly knew how I felt, because she sure as fuck hurt me. She tried to smack me, but I’d anticipated that, and held her down. “You son of a bitch,” she snarled.

  She was so mad, I thought the raindrops falling from my hair would sizzle when they touched her skin. It amped me up, excited me. The way her cheeks filled with color, the way her eyes danced—her jealousy was intoxicating. Smiling in a way that I knew would piss her off, I told her, “I know who I screwed, but tell me”—my mind spinning with heat, desire, and passion, I lowered my lips to her ear—“who did you fuck that night?” I rocked against her as I said it, reminding her of our heated moment at the club and emphasizing the fire between us right now. She groaned, sucked in a strained breath.

  “Was he better…as me?” I continued. Returning my mouth to above hers, I flicked my tongue over her sweet, rain-dampened lip. “There is no substitute for the real thing. I’ll be even better…”

  Fuck…say yes…

  She didn’t. Instead, she spat, “I hate what you do to me.”

  I watched her churning eyes. She was lying. At least in part. But I understood what she meant. I hated what she did to me sometimes too. But more than I hated it, I loved it. And I knew she felt the same. “You love what I do to you.” Remembering being inside of her, making her scream, I ran my tongue up her throat. “You ache for it.” I ache for it. I need you. “It’s me you want, not him.” Choose me. Love me. Show me. Right now.

  I pressed my ache against her, needing her more than ever. She threaded her fingers through my hair…then rocked her hips in rhythm with mine. Oh. My. God…yes. I cried out in the same way she did. We needed this. We needed each other. Please, Kiera. Say yes. She moved in time with me. Our breaths picked up, our intensity picked up, the windows steamed up, and the car started gently rocking back and forth with our movements. God, yes, now, more.

  Her fingers clawed at my jacket, wanting it off. I helped her remove it. Fuck yes. All of these layers between us need to come off. I want to be naked with you. I want to be bare. Her mouth came up to touch mine but I pulled away. It shot liquid fire down my groin to tease her. Fuck, yes. I wanted to tease her. Then satisfy her. She tried again but with her tongue, and I pulled away again. I thought I was going to explode. I couldn’t tease her for long.

  Kiera didn’t want to be teased right now. Frustrated, she raked her nails down my back. Fuck, it was the same way she had scratched me in the espresso stand, when she’d been coming. I nearly came as I remembered it. I dropped my head to her shoulder, digging into her with abandon. Yes. God, more, Kiera. Yes. She cried out as we worked against each other, grabbing my back pockets and wrapping her legs around me in a near frenzy.

  Clutching me tight as she moved against me, she moaned, “No, I want him.”

  Bullshit. I guarantee she had never felt anything like this with him. “No, you want me…” I said into her neck.

  “No, he would never touch my sister! You promised, you promised, Kellan!” She stiffened beneath me. The loss of our escalating rhythm nearly drove me mad.

  “That’s already done with. I can’t change it.” She tried to push me away, but I grabbed her hands, pinned them beside her head. I ground my hips into hers, and she made a noise that let me know the momentary pause had nearly killed her too. “But this…Stop fighting, Kiera. Just say you want this. Tell me you want me, like I want you.” My mouth returned to above hers. “I already know you do.”

  I was done teasing. I was done playing games. I needed her. Right now. We couldn’t stop this. Not anymore. I lowered my lips to hers. She groaned when our mouths met and my stomach clenched in preparation. Yes…God, Kiera, yes.

  Our kiss was hungry and passionate, with each side wanting more. I was right, I knew I was right. She wanted this just as badly as I did. I released her hands and she immediately returned them to my hair. Her fingers felt marvelous running over my scalp. I wanted to feel her long locks, see them spread across my leather seat. I ripped the hair band out and tossed it to the floor. Even wet, her hair felt amazing between my fingers.

  Kiera’s dual messages didn’t stop now that our tongues were sliding together. Murmuring that she hated me, she ran her hands down my back and pulled on the pockets of my jeans, asking for more, deeper, harder. I obliged her physical request while I told her that she didn’t hate me.

  My hands traveled over every curve I could reach on her—the angle of her jaw, the swell of her breast, the tiny hills of her ribs, the curve of her hip, the roundness of her ass. Her small hands ran under my shirt, feeling my bare skin. Her flesh-against-flesh touch sent a bolt of electricity straight down my body. It was only mildly hampered by her words.

  “This is wrong,” she groaned into the passion-laden air.

  A tiny bit of my buzz faded; she was right, of course, this was wrong. It also felt better than anything I’d ever experienced before, and it was too late—I couldn’t stop touching her. My thumb brushed over a rigid nipple straining against her shirt through her thin bra. I wanted it in my mouth so bad. “I know…but, God, you feel so good.”

  No, she felt incredible. We melded against each other with no more words, just wild, uncontrollable desire. I could hear Kiera’s breathing fall into a familiar rhythm, the throaty moans repeating in a pattern that was steadily getting louder, more desperate, more distinct. She was getting close. My own body had reached the tipping point ages ago—it was sheer willpower that kept me from an earth-shattering release. But I wouldn’t finish this without her. No, I was going to finish this inside of her. And possibly with her. Yes, I wanted her to come with me. I wanted it more than anything.

  I broke apart from her anxious mouth. She leaned up to suck on my lip, and my eyes rolled back. I pulled farther away. Since her clothes were so damp, I would need space to undress her. And I was going to undress her. I needed to see that pale white flesh quivering under my fingertips. She gasped when she realized what I was doing. Her hungry eyes watched mine, and all I saw was affirmation—Yes, do it. Take me. I’m yours.

  I glared as I watched her heated eyes drinking me in. I knew she wanted this. The night at the club was the real mistake. I was the one she wanted, she just hadn’t had the guts to leave with me that night. But this moment, right now, was right. And while I was going to regret betraying Denny tomorrow, I didn’t fucking care anymore. I was going to have her tonight.

  When I had one more button left to go on her jeans, she grabbed my wrists and jerked my hands up and over her head, holding them tight. Our body parts lined up again, and a throb went through me. I was so close to what I needed that it was painful. Tease.

  “Stop it, Kiera!” I snapped. I was aggravated, turned on, and now, in a little bit of pain; I needed to come, badly. “I need you. Let me do this. I can make you forget him.” Desperate, I added, “I can make you forget you.”

  She shivered beneath me; she knew I was right. What we were going to experience right now was going to be more powerful than anything either of us had ever felt before. I knew that for a fact. And I needed it to happen, now, before I spontaneously combusted. I easily pulled a hand free from her grasp, stroking her body on the way back to her jeans. She responded everywhere I touched her. See, Kiera, you know I’m right. “God, I want inside you.”

  “Stop it, Kellan!”

  Irritated that she was still refusing this, I paused with my lips on her neck. “Why? It’s what you want, what you beg for!” She couldn’t deny that, not after all the times she’d said please. To prove my point, I shoved my hands into her jeans, over her underwear. She was going to say it first. She was going to beg me. Then both of us could stop this frustrating game.

  Even though I wasn’t directly touching her, she fell apart underneath me. The wanton cry she let out amplified the pleasure and pain I was feeling. She grabbed my neck and pulled my face to hers. I groaned with need. I couldn’t do this much longer. I needed to be thrusting in
side her. I needed release. I needed to hear her scream. I needed to feel her coming. But I needed to hear her say that she wanted me first.

  But still she refused. “No…I don’t want you to.” My finger traced the edge of her underwear and her sentence fractured in two. She was still lying. She did want me. She was soaked with her desire for me. One small slip of my finger and I could feel it. A few tugs on her jeans and I could taste it. Oh God, I wanted to taste her…

  Banishing that image from my mind, I struggled to stay in control. I needed her to say it. Give me permission, Kiera. But she still fought me; her hand released my neck to feebly attempt to dislodge my probing fingers. I was stronger though, and her heart really wasn’t in it.

  “I can feel how much you do want me to, Kiera.” My voice sounded strained to me, but then again, everything about me was straining right now. I couldn’t handle the intensity, the ache, the throbbing. I needed this to end. A tight, pain-filled groan escaped me. “I want you…now. I can’t take any more,” I panted. I felt like I would lose my mind if I didn’t plunge inside her soon. I ripped my other hand free from her grasp and started tugging on her wet denims. “God, Kiera, I need this.”

  I was seconds away from begging her to take me when she blurted out, “Wait! Kellan…stop! I…I need a minute. Please…I just need a minute.”

  My hands froze as I stared at her. Did she seriously just say that to me? Our “safe word,” so to speak. As if she was reading my mind, she repeated herself, “I need a minute.”

  Well, fuck.

  I couldn’t move while I processed what the fuck had just happened. She panted underneath me while I stared her down. She’d done it to me again. She’d riled me up to the breaking point, then told me no. And, unless I was going to keep going with this and force her to relent to me, to us, I had no choice but to let her go. Shit.

  “Shit!”

  She flinched at my unexpected exclamation. I sat up, raking my hands through my hair while I tried to calm down. It wasn’t working. Every second I glared at her sprawled across my seat made me even more ticked off. What the fuck was she trying to do to me?

  “Shit!” I snapped, smacking the door behind me as hard as I could.

  She sat up nervously, refastening her jeans. Goddamn, we’d been so close. She wanted me, I knew she did. Why was she constantly tormenting me with something I couldn’t have? Because she was a fucking bitch. A teasing whore…that was why. “You…are…”

  I shut my mouth before my temper could get the best of me. She wasn’t a bitch. She wasn’t a whore. She was in love with another man, a man I cared about. I couldn’t forget that. But, fucking hell, this hurt. The heated air in the car became stagnant, foul with pain, tension, betrayal. I couldn’t breathe. I needed out of this goddamn fucking car.

  Opening the car door, I immediately stepped outside. The icy rain was a balm, but it didn’t squelch my anger. I could almost feel the drops sizzling on my infuriated skin. I redirected my ire to my car’s tire. I would need a stronger outlet, or I was going to turn my tongue on her. Bitch.

  I kicked the tire as hard as I could. “Fuck!” It relieved some of the pent-up tension, so I did it again. “Shit! Motherfucking piece of fuck shit! God fucking damn it to fucking hell shit!” I knew Kiera was watching my nonsensical ranting, but I was too far gone to care. Fuck my fucking life. Walking away from the car, I clenched my fists and screamed my rage and frustration into the empty street. “FUUUUCK!!”

  Fuck, I was yelling obscenities on the street corner like some fucking drama queen. I needed to calm the fuck down. I raked my fingers through my hair again, resisting the urge to pull chunks of it out of my scalp. Tilting my head up to the sky, I tried redirecting my focus. Only think about the raindrops. Only listen to the sound of the rain pelting the earth. Only feel the chill. Don’t think about her. Don’t think about her lips. Don’t think about her body. Her smile. Her laugh. Her eyes…the way she looks at you. The way she looks at him. Fuck.

  I lowered my hands but kept my palms up, absorbing every drop. Only think of the rain. There’s just the freezing, ice-cold rain. You. The rain. Nothing else.

  “Kellan?”

  Fucking-A.

  My brief moment of zen vanished at hearing her voice. You ripped my heart out twice in the span of forty-eight hours. The least you could do is give me a fucking moment of silence to get my shit together! I raised my finger to her, hoping she took the hint and left me the fuck alone. She didn’t.

  “It’s freezing…please come back to the car.”

  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Five minutes? I only get five fucking minutes without her in my fucking head? Rain. Rain. Just rain. Calm down. Still not able to look at her, still not able to speak, I shook my head. Take the fucking hint, Kiera. I don’t want to be anywhere near you right now, but I still can’t leave you alone out here, so I’m fucking stuck with you in my car, my home, and my fucking heart!

  Rain. Just rain…

  “I’m sorry, please come back,” she called out from the car.

  Oh my fucking God, please let her shut the fuck up before I completely lose my fucking mind. Rain…rain…rain…

  I heard her mutter, “Damn it,” then I heard her getting out of the car.

  Un. Fucking. Believable. She couldn’t even give me this? What a fucking bitch. Opening my eyes, I glared at her as she approached me. I wondered if I looked as ticked as I felt. I must have, because her steps were small, tentative. “Get back in the car, Kiera.” In my attempt to remain civil, I spat each word out between clenched teeth.

  She looked nervous as she swallowed, but she shook her head. “Not without you.”

  Still so fucking stubborn. All peaceful thoughts of raindrops on sidewalks fizzled from my brain. Rage pounded through every muscle, vibrating them with tension. “Get in the damn car! For once, just listen to me!” I yelled that so loudly, my throat ached. I was going to be raspy for the concert tomorrow night. Great. One more fucking problem she’d caused me.

  My temper sparked hers. Her chin lifted, she snapped back, “No! Talk to me. Don’t hide out here, talk to me!”

  Talk to her? What the fuck could she possibly want to talk about? How much she loved Denny, and how little she thought of me? No thanks, I didn’t want to fucking hear that. I took a step toward her; we were both soaked now. “What do you want me to say?”

  Her jaw quivered and her voice was thick with anger. “Why won’t you leave me alone? Tell me that! I told you before that it was over, that I wanted Denny. But you still torment me…”

  “Torment you?”

  Was she joking? She was the one who teased me on a near-constant basis. Just the way she looked at me would be enough to have most men begging on their knees. And the way she kissed me was an invitation for sex in most men’s books.

  “You’re the one who—”

  I stopped myself in the nick of time. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing just what she did to me. How much I wanted her. How much I fucking loved her. How much it fucking hurt that I would never be good enough for her. How much I wished I didn’t give a shit about her. How much it killed me when she brought me to the brink. How much I wished we hadn’t stopped tonight.

  “The one who what?” she yelled into the sudden silence.

  I looked back at her. Really? She just couldn’t let anything go, could she? I was trying to not go off on her, but I couldn’t hold my tongue another fucking minute. If she wanted the truth, then fine, I would give her the fucking truth, in the simplest, crudest way I could give it to her. Maybe then she’d fucking understand just how not-innocent her innocent flirting was.

  I gave her a smile as dark as my shattered heart. “Do you really want to know what I’m thinking right now?” I took a step toward her; she backed away. “I’m thinking…that you…are a fucking tease, and I should have just fucked you anyway!”

  Pure venom running through my veins, I took another step, putting me toe-to-toe with her. I could grab he
r, shove her into the car, and finish this, right now. Knowing I should step away and calm down, but also knowing it was too late, words left my mouth that I instantly regretted. “I should fuck you right now, like the whore you really—”

  Her hand connected with my cheek before the words finished leaving my foul mouth. The hit was twice as hard as her earlier smack; I was sure I had red marks. I was really tired of being fucking hit! I shoved her against the car. “You started this. All of this! Where did you think our ‘innocent’ flirting was heading? How long did you think you could lead me on?” I cinched my fingers around her arm; I wasn’t even conscious of what I was saying anymore. “Do I still…torment you? Do you still want me?”

  Tears streamed down her cheeks as she answered my question. “No…now I really do hate you!”

  I felt like she’d reached inside and hollowed out my soul. Only residual anger kept me standing. “Good! Then get in the fucking car!”

  Not knowing what the fuck I was doing, I shoved her into the open car door. When her feet were clear, I slammed the door shut. I wanted to open it again and slam it even harder, but I couldn’t function enough to do that. Oh God. What the fuck did I just do? Why the fuck would I say those things to her? And her face…genuine hatred had been on her face. And now she was crying. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I had just fucked everything. It was bad before, but now…I’d burned a bridge, I knew it. Jesus Christ. I’d just lost her forever.

  I paced in front of my car. What do I do now? What the fuck do I do now? How the fuck do I take that back? How do I fix this? Can I fix this?

  Not knowing what else to do, I stalked over to the driver’s-side door. If I’d just gone to my side in the first place, none of this would have happened. If I’d left her alone at the club, none of this would have happened. If I’d left Seattle, none of this would have happened.

  Irritated, frustrated, scared, I got in the car and slammed my door shut. The silence in the car was oppressive. The very air between us was different. Everything was different now, because of my big fucking mouth. “Damn it!” I snapped, slamming my hand on the wheel. It was never supposed to be this way. “Damn it, damn it, damn it, Kiera.”