by Brenda Ford
Her lips edge towards me. I feel her breath tickling along my cock before her lips connect, and I can already tell that it’s going to be too much when she finally meets with me. Just the fact that it’s Freya alone will tip me over the edge. There’s something magical about this woman, something to captivate me…
“Oh shit!” Her lips connect with my tip and she brushes her mouth along my most sensitive area for a few moments. “Fucking hell, Freya, that is… is…” There are no words. I want words but I can’t find them. “Fuck!”
Then she blows my mind by fully taking me in to her mouth, all the way to the back of her throat, her warm wet tongue wrapping around me as she strokes me with her lips. There is something magnetic about her mouth. Something that blows me away. My heart pumps faster, shooting red hot blood all around my body, making my head spin with desire. A desire so deep and powerful it transforms me. I feel myself opening up in a way that I haven’t done before, everything trembling, shuddering, about to explode at any given moment…
“Fuck me.” Those magical words combined with her mouth yanking away from me give me all that I need to hold on just that little while longer. I take her and throw her on to the bed, grateful that I have just enough stamina to really get the full satisfaction from her. I think we both need that. We might not have known one another for too long, but now this moment is happening, it feels like it’s been a long time coming…
“Holy shit.” Sliding in to her and having her gorgeous wet walls surrounding me is nearly too much. I almost give her everything instantly. It’s only because I really can’t cave to that right now that I don’t. I have no idea if I will ever get the opportunity to be inside this incredible woman again and I need to make the best of it. I need to enjoy every thrust, every moment that she is connected to me, each time our bodies clap together in ecstasy. This is a moment that I could stay in forever, given half the chance. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere but here…
“Huh? What?” I jump up, smacking my head on the bunk bed above me. “What the…?”
I’m gasping, actually panting as I try my hardest to get air in to my lungs. I feel… well, not like myself. What the fuck id going on? Why isn’t Freya wrapped around me? Why am I not in the middle of the hottest sex session of my entire life? Instead, my body is fizzing and crushing with disappointment. All alone. Cold and sad.
It isn’t long before I adjust to the fact that was just a dream and I recall what actually happened. Instead of kissing me like I wanted her to, she pulled away and gave me an embarrassed look. I could tell that she actually felt sorry for me, which of course got my back up. If it hadn’t been for those guys pawing over her beforehand, I would have stormed out and headed to another bar, but as annoyed as I was, I couldn’t leave her in their hands. It just wouldn’t have been right. So, I made the awkward journey back to the hotel with her, but I refused to go inside. I made it even more awkward by insisting that I sleep on the Goddamn tour bus.
I bang my palm to my aching head and will a giant hole to open up in the floor to swallow me up whole. I have made a giant mess of everything and I can’t stop making it worse. Now, we have to continue on with this tour, both me and Freya knowing that I have some kind of weird feelings for her, sexual only I assume, considering that dream, which she doesn’t reciprocate. Perfect. Just perfect. A hang over and messy feelings yet again. Just what I want. Honestly, is there anything else that can go wrong here?
What the fuck? My brain screams at me as I collapse off the stage. What the fuck just happened out there?
It never usually matters how much I drink; I can always put on a good show. It’s one of the things that helps me realize that I don’t have an issue with booze no matter what everyone else says, but today… well, today was different. I don’t really have any words for what happened, it all just fell apart. I kept stumbling over my words and forgetting certain riffs on the guitar. It was a shit show for sure, and there isn’t a chance in hell that the fans didn’t notice. I’m sure I must have disappointed them and let them down as well… just as I keep doing to everyone. There isn’t anyone that I can think of who I haven’t upset.
I can’t look at anyone else as I race away. I don’t want to know what they think of me. I am headed in to the lion’s den for sure. Everyone will have an opinion on me, and why wouldn’t they? I am not just affecting myself, like they keep reminding me over and over again, this is all of their jobs as well.
Every single time I convince myself that nothing else can go wrong, it does. Now, my career is sliding down the toilet as well, and everyone knows that once a rock career is over, there isn’t any coming back from it.
“Alex,” Hank barks at me, his anger and frustration at me evident already. “I think that we might need a little meeting, don’t you? Some changes need to be made around here before everything falls apart.”
“I, er…” I lick my lips, hating that there isn’t the sting of alcohol there. After that storm, I really need it. Without it to calm me down, there’s no telling what I will end up doing. “I don’t know…”
“Oh, I think that you do and I think that you will talk to me before you sink to the bottom or another bottle or I will end up having your bollocks on a plate to stop you from fucking up again.”
Uh oh. Hank isn’t making much sense which I know means that he is spitting mad. There is no getting out of this conversation, however much I want to. And I really, really want to…
Chapter Eleven
Freya
“Shit,” I mutter to myself as my eyes run over the newspaper head line. “That isn’t good. Not at all.”
When I signed up to support Blood Red Masters – or more when Nathan did it on my behalf – I didn’t think that I would end up in the middle of a media shit storm. And one that doesn’t even include me, so it isn’t like my name is getting any notice from it. There isn’t any benefit, it’s all just messy. I knew that the last three shows weren’t great, I’m not an idiot. Anyone can see that Alex’s drinking is becoming a serious issue and it’s affecting all of his performances, but I didn’t think that it would end up this bad. The press seems to think that the band is coming to an end and this is just the beginning of the end. I really don’t want to be a part of that.
“Oh, Alex,” I groan, feeling a lot of pain as I see the nasty words written about him. “Why?”
He really does have a good heart in there, he really is a good person. It makes me want to go to the press, to reveal all of his personal details, just so they know that this isn’t just for the sake of it. But I can’t. it isn’t my story to tell, it isn’t my pain to share, and I’m sure that if it’s affecting Alex this deeply then letting the rest of the world know what’s going probably won’t help it. I just need to accept that that there isn’t anything I can do to help.
Sadness crushes me, as does severe worry. Worry for everyone and everything around me. Including myself. I can’t allow myself to get too sucked into the world of Blood Red Masters because I can’t let it swallow me up whole. Soon, I will be out of this world back on my own, and I need to look after me too.
“Fuck.” I bang my hand to my forehead. “Fuck, what am I going to do? What next?”
Being in this hotel room alone doesn’t help. It makes me want to scream because I’m so trapped within these four suffocating walls, but I also don’t want to go outside. I’m too afraid to see any of the guys from the band because they are a million times more stressed than me, and I don’t want to bump in to any of the crew as well because they are all so sad. They seem to know that the end of their work here is coming, so now they need to work out where the next position is coming from. They need something to pay their rent and put food on the table, so I can’t blame them for putting themselves first. This is such a fucking… mess.
I gasp desperately, needing someone to talk to, someone who will understand my dilemma. Who will be thinking of what’s best for me and not just the band. So, I grab my cell phone and I call Nathan.
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br /> “Hey, Freya.” I can already tell from his unsure tone of voice that he’s heard it all. “How are you holding up?”
“Er, well, I don’t know,” I admit. “I’m a bit freaked out at the moment. This is a mess.”
“Is it as bad as it seems? Is Alex really struggling as much as he seems to be?”
“I don’t know. It isn’t great, I will be honest about that. It certainly isn’t what I’m used to.”
“Do you think it will only get worse?” Nathan asks nervously. “I don’t like leaving you there…”
“Then maybe I should come back,” I blurt out, loving that idea. That’s actually what I want to happen, and I didn’t even realize it. “Maybe being here isn’t right for my career right now. It might be better for me to come back and regroup. Decide what to do next. I could even do my own tour or some other promo…”
“I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do right away,” Nathan interjects before I can get too carried away on that thought. “Because of the contract. It isn’t going to be straight forward…”
“But surely the contract has already been broken? Surely, with Alex’s drinking…”
“Let me just try and see what I can sort out. Stay there for now and carry on as normal and I will see what I can do. I know that isn’t the best answer in the world, but you know what the music industry is like for contracts.”
Fuck, he’s right about that If you become known as someone who breaks contracts then you get black listed and other people don’t want to work with you. I really don’t want that because then it will be me who ends up with no career at the end of it. I’m really stuck in a shitty situation here.
“Yeah okay,” I reply quietly. “But you will look into it, won’t you? You won’t leave me here?”
“Trust me, I am not happy with you being stuck there at all. It makes me very uncomfortable to know that you’re struggling. I will get this sorted for you, don’t you worry. It will be okay.”
As I hang up the phone to Nathan, I try my hardest to have full faith in him, to believe all that he’s saying to me, but I’m still very freaked out. This isn’t something that I have any experience with and it’s awful. All I wanted was a nice easy tour where I might not be the head liner, but I might find new fans. Instead, I’m afraid that I might lose everything that I have spent my whole life working towards, but more worryingly, I’m so concerned about Alex that I fear even if Nathan allows me to walk away, I won’t be able to.
“All press is good,” I tell myself sadly. “All promotion is good. Perhaps this will just draw new crowds in, and they will see me. Love me, through all of the mess that has been created here.”
I don’t know if I believe my own hype, if my pep talk is working, but what else am I supposed to do? I can’t just sit here and get myself increasingly worked up by the moment. That isn’t exactly helping me, is it? In fact, I don’t think that being by myself is helping me out at all, so it might be a good idea for me to leave this room.
I can find Rachel. I can have a talk to her. I’m sure that she will be able to help me. At least she’ll get me out of this funk, won’t she? Because she has become more of a friend than anything else.
As I leave the room, I’m struck by the weird atmosphere filling the whole building. It’s almost like everyone can sense that there is something going on and they are all a part of the drama. That only sickens me further. But then I need to remember that if I am feeling this way, how must it be for Alex? He already seems really hard on himself, I think that might be a part of his problem, so all of this will be killing him.
No one else seems able to help him, or willing to, they have all given up on him, so perhaps I can use my time here to help him? Or at least support him in a little way. As I walk through the hotel, just before I reach the room that I’m sure Rachel is in – not that I can be one hundred percent sure where she is since we’re constantly on the move – I change my direction to see if I can find Alex. See how he’s doing.
As I get closer to his bedroom, my heart kicks up a notch, my pulse racing at the speed of light. I don’t know what to expect when I get in that room, I don’t know what drunken state he is going to be in, and that works me up. I have seen him in various stages of intoxication and none of them are ever pleasant. The only time I find him easy to be around is when he hasn’t had a drink, which is a shame because it’s such a rare sight.
Before I knock, mostly because I’m trying to work up the courage to do so, I press my ear to the door to see if I can hear what’s going on inside. I expect silence, that’s what I think I will get, or snoring as he sleeps off yet another hang over, but that isn’t what I’m greeted with at all. There is yelling, and a lot of it.
“Fuck,” I whisper to myself. “Who is that? That isn’t going to help him. Talk to him nicely.”
If I was a braver person, then I would knock on the door regardless and go inside. I would tell them all that Alex doesn’t need to be yelled at like he’s a child, he needs someone to understand and help him, to take care of him in the way that he doesn’t seem to be able to take care of himself… but I’m not brave. I’m not able to get in the middle of things because I don’t think that it has anything to do with me. I’m not a member of the band, I am just a person on the side line unable to ever really slot in for real. My opinion doesn’t really matter anyway. Plus, if I step in to that room and say all of that stuff then I will be acting more like a mother than anyone else.
I scoot back from the door and wait in the hallway, wondering which way I should run. I really don’t want to go back to my room, and I don’t want to leave Alex alone here either…
Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
“Fuck!” I grab my cell phone immediately, practically leaping in to the air with shock. My ring tone isn’t a loud one, but in this awkward moment, it feels louder than anything else. “Hi, Mom…”
“Are you okay?” Instantly she jumps on the way I’m feeling. “You sound out of breath.”
“I’m just…” I trail off as I realize that I can’t really explain what I’m up to. “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? Because don’t forget, I do know you, Freya. And I can tell when something is up. Plus, I also have eyes so I have been looking at what’s been going on during your vampire tour. I’m not happy to know that you are in the middle of that. Do you need me to come on the tour with you for a while?”
“Oh no,” I burst out, horrified by the idea. I love my mom, but I don’t think that having her around on tour with me is the best idea. She’s much too fussy. Plus, she would hate this. It’s too complicated for her. Anyway, I am an adult and I can deal with my issues myself. In theory. “No, I’m good. Nathan is trying to sort me out leaving anyway when it becomes no longer a positive move for my career. So, I might be back home soon.”
As me and Mom talk for a little while longer, I lean against the wall around the corner and remain in this hallway, unable to leave this spot even as I have a private conversation with my mother. I just need to be here like I am a bouncer for Alex, just waiting for the moment that I can check on him to see that he’s okay. Even through everything, he is still a priority. I want Alex to be okay as much as I want myself to survive this mess. I mean, what the hell is wrong with me?
Chapter Twelve
Alex
“Have you seen all of this?” Gary screams, practically in my face. “This press is a fucking nightmare. It’s a joke, it has to be. We can’t actually be living through this, can we? We have all made endless exceptions for you because of what you have been through, but not anymore. Now, you are wrecking everything. It isn’t fair.”
“But, Gary…” I try, really wanting to calm him down, but his face is all red with anger and he is practically spitting out each word. He isn’t about to listen to a damn thing that I have to say.
“We are all working our asses off to make Blood Red Masters a success. This band isn’t just you and it hasn’t ever been. I think it would be be
st for you to remember how much me and Rachel have put in to all of this as well. And not just me and her. All of us. Hank, the crew, every single fucking person. I know that it seems to be hard for you to remember that you aren’t the only person in the world, but you’re not.”
“I don’t…” I really need to get just one word in. Once I get that far, he might turn around.
“All you give a shit about is where your next drink is coming from. It’s so frustrating. I bet you aren’t even listening to what I’m saying right now. Instead, your brain is in the bar.”
“No, that isn’t…” Fucking hell. I throw my hands in the air in frustration.
“You don’t even care about these headlines, do you? I can see it in your eyes. You aren’t even paying any attention. It’s nothing to you. Not a damn thing. This is fucking pathetic.”
I hang my head low as a sadness crushes me. It digs right in to my soul and leaves me in agony. I hate the fact that Gary is so angry with me, that he has actual hatred towards me, and he isn’t in the wrong at all.
“Look at me!” Gary screams. “Look me in the eyes at last and face this. Admit that you have been playing shit recently and it’s a disappointment to the fans. Say it aloud that you have fucked up over and over again. Say it. I want to hear that you know what you have done wrong before you head down a bottle again.”
I part my lips, about to tell him everything that he wants to hear, but the words don’t quite come out. I don’t know why, it feels like there is a blockade in the back of my throat, preventing me from admitting anything. The moment I admit it, I will need to make a change. And while I need to make a change, it’s terrifying. The change will be a giant one, it will have to come from the bottom of my heart, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet.