by Brenda Ford
I should tell him. I know that I should. But I’m scared to. How can I tell her that my heart is with Alex? That I have fallen for a man that is addicted to booze, that is a loose cannon, and that doesn’t fit in with my life style and image at all, that can only be a negative for me really… yet I can’t help how I feel, can I?
“Okay, look, I can see that you aren’t coming back. That much is obvious. And while I can’t understand or agree with you, I will let it go. For now. But that isn’t going to last forever, I can assure you of that. It won’t happen. I will be on top of you every day trying to work out what the hell is going on and working out when you will be coming back. Because I’m not afraid to admit that I’m worried about you right now.”
“I know,” I reply softly. “And I know that’s for a reason. As soon as I know that coming home is the right thing to do, that’s what I’ll do. You just need to trust me this one last time.”
Me and Nathan talk for a little while longer, before we say our goodbyes and hang up the phone. I would laugh at the turn around when it comes to me and my attitude, if it wasn’t so crazy. I know that I’m creating issues for myself by being here, but I don’t want to leave. I can’t. This is where I need to be.
“Where the fuck is Angelo?” Brad hollers over the top of me, across the canteen in the hotel. This poor hotel where we have been ever since Alex first went missing because that’s where we were at the time and that’s where we thought he might come back to. Hank went on to the next city with Gary to see if Alex was going to turn up there, which would have led to a mad dash for the gig, but that didn’t happen either. Oliver and Nelson are at their home, scouring their home city to see if he’s there, and the rest of us are just here… waiting, searching, needing answers. This has become the official search party headquarters, which thankfully the hotel have been great about, but we aren’t all here all the time. Sometimes we’re out following tips.
“Oh, he had an idea of where Alex might be!” Wesley yells, his face buried in a computer, just like it has been ever since he arrived. He is using his technological skills to do his searching. “He didn’t say much about it. But he took Rachel and he went. He was all excited about where he was going though.”
A couple of days ago I would have been excited about this, but I know better now. I know that it doesn’t matter how much people have decided that they know exactly where he is, they might not have done.
“Are you okay, Freya?” Brad pats me on the arm and smiles at me. He seems to have accepted me easily in to his fold which is nice. I can tell that he’s a really good guy who has shouldered a lot of responsibility because he does act father like… which I can only assume makes this a hundred times harder for him. He’s lost his younger brother and he’s trying to manage hundreds of people in the search for him. “Sorry it’s a bit manic.”
“It’s been manic for days.” I try to smile but I can’t seem to make the expression form. “Utterly crazy. But you are doing a good job. As good as you can be when it comes to this situation.”
“It’s a fucking nightmare, isn’t it? I’m just sorry that you’re seeing this side of Alex where he’s acting crazy and not the good guy that he actually is. It’s a shame because… well, because…”
He doesn’t finish that sentence, but I get a glimpse in his eyes that suggests what he really means is he wants me and Alex to be together. Which of course is what I would love as well, but that isn’t possible.
“I have seen the good side of him,” I tell him. “He hasn’t always been bad the whole time we’re on tour.”
“Urgh, he’s such a good person.” Brad’s head falls in to his hands. “He really is. I’m glad that you have seen a part of it. But he’s great. It’s just this one mistake… I mean, I know that it’s a bad one, a massive one, but it’s a mistake and it’s done. Angelo isn’t even… he’s not mad anymore, he just wants Alex to be okay like the rest of us do. Alex is being far harder on himself than anyone else ever could be.”
“I’ve seen that! Over and over again. He’s really bad on himself. It’s hard. I don’t know if that’s something he can get over. Certainly not on his own anyway. I believe that he will need some real help.”
“Do you think it’s that bad?” Brad asks me sadly. “Oh God, what the hell are we going to do?”
I part my lips, a million and one suggestions want to fly out of my mouth, but they don’t. Mostly because I don’t really know what to suggest. I don’t know what to do. There is no easy answer.
Ring, ring… As soon as I hear the ringing sound, I know that it’s my cell phone because I can feel it vibrating against my leg. I don’t know what I’m expecting as I pull it out of my pocket. Probably Nathan again… but I feel hot and cold all at once as I see the name on the screen. Holy fuck, it’s Alex. It’s Alex! We have all tried to call him a million times and I assumed that his cell phone died after the first couple of days because he couldn’t charge it, but now… well, now it seems like things have changed because he’s calling me.
“Brad,” I gasp. “Brad, it’s…” I glance up to tell Brad to tell him what’s going on, but he’s already been caught by someone else. Actually, everyone looks busy which I guess leaves me alone. Maybe that’s for the best anyway. I duck my head down and practically run out of the room as I hit the answer button.
“Hello? Alex?” I gasp in to the phone. “Where are you? What’s going on?”
“Freya. You picked up.” He sounds upset, but potentially fine. Not hurt anyway which is a good thing. “I didn’t think you would want to pick up. I didn’t think you would talk to me again.”
“Of course I’m talking to you.” I squeeze my eyes shut and try to fathom what’s happening here. “Alex, where are you? Do you even know what is happening here? Everyone is looking for you.”
“I know, I know, I fucked up bad. Again. I have ruined everything. My career is over. My life is over. Everyone must hate me, and I hate myself for it. I just want to fall apart, Freya. I’m a state.”
I don’t know if he’s drunk or hung over. Maybe he’s just tired and scared. I don’t know. All I want is to be with him right now. To hold him, to reassure him that everything will be just fine.
“Nothing is over. No one hates you. We are all just worried. Tell me where you are, and we can come…”
“No, not we.” I can hear the spike of terror in his voice. “Just you. I don’t want everyone. I can’t handle it right now. The only person I can hack seeing is you.”
I’m touched. Touched and a little afraid since I don’t think I’m good for Alex, but I need to stop worrying about that. Right now, all I need to do is get to Alex so I can help him.
“Okay, just me. I will keep it a secret.” If I even mention it to anyone, then there isn’t any chance of me going alone. “But I need you to tell me where you are. Send me the address and I will figure it out. I will get to you as quickly as possible. You just need to promise me that you will stay where you are.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m too afraid to. I don’t want anyone to find me.”
As he reels off the address to me, I’m glad that there isn’t any chance of him running, but I’m also worried about the amount of pressure on my shoulders because this way it’s totally up to me to take care of him. I need to make all the right moves to ensure that he is saved.
“I will be there. Don’t worry. I’m coming for you.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Alex
I check the clock for what feels like the hundredth time while I wait for Freya to arrive. I’ve been far away from her, so I know it isn’t going to be an easy journey, but I want her already. As soon as I made the decision to call her, I’ve been waiting and it’s hard. It’s really freaking hard. I need her already.
I slide my eyes closed as I pace up and down the room, thinking about her beautiful face. That gorgeous face of hers should have been enough to protect me, to stop me from this mess, but it wasn’t. Why wasn’t it enough? I still haven’t worke
d out what I did wrong. Why I fucked up so badly. To be honest, I’m really just beating myself up about it. More and more which is leading me towards drink. Not that I have caved yet…
Knock, knock. I leap in to the air as I get the sound that I have been waiting for all along. Knock, knock.
My first thought is that it isn’t going to be Freya, that it’s someone tricking me and I shouldn’t open the door, which is foolish. It’s almost like I’m bordering on anxiety because of this situation.
“Hello?” I whisper through the door, trying to disguise my voice a little bit. “Who’s there?”
“Alex, is that you?” Relief floods me as I catch the familiar lilt to Freya’s voice. “Can I come in?”
“Oh my God.” I rest my head up against the door, a dizziness over coming me as I do. “It’s you.”
I gather myself up for just the shortest time before I pull the door open, just a crack, just in case there is anyone behind her, and I pull her inside. She looks bewildered as she glances around the room, seeing the four walls that have been my home for the last few days. I don’t even want to know what she’s thinking about me.
“How the hell did you end up here?” she asks with a shrug. “What happened?”
“You want me to be honest?” She nods. Of course she’s going to nod. Getting the truth is what she has come here for after all. “Okay, well I will be honest then. I don’t know. I don’t. I stupidly… took a drink. Just the one. I assumed that I could hold it together enough to just have one because I was happy, not sad and beating myself up like I was before. I was happy because of me and you. It was nice. We had a good time. Maybe I wanted to celebrate, I don’t know. I don’t really have a reason or excuse. But then I ended up shit wasted. More drunk than I have ever been before, and I ended up here. It’s a big blank. A terrifying black hole in my memory. I don’t know who I came here with, what I was doing, where I was going. I was just… here…”
She narrows her eyes at me. I don’t know if she fully believes me but there isn’t anything that I can offer her other than what I have already given. It’s the sad, pathetic, frightening truth.
“So, then what? You just woke up here and what?” She shrugs. “We have all been so worried.”
“By the time I realized what was going on, when I woke up properly, I had already missed the show and there seemed to be a manhunt for me. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. The idea of going out there and facing the world and explaining what I have done was too much for me. It still is. I don’t know what’s going on.”
“It’s bad,” she admits. “I’m not going to beat around the bush here. It’s bad. Really bad. There is a lot of interest in you and what you’re doing. And not just from the people that care about you…”
“Do they all hate me?” I interrupt her quietly. “Is Gary fuming at me?”
“No one hates you,” she does her best to reassure me. But her words don’t really fall on my ears because I don’t know how truthful she is being. “No one hates you at all. They are all just worried.”
“Yeah, so they want answers as well. Fucking hell, I don’t know what I’m going to tell anyone, Freya. I don’t really have an answer. I don’t know what to say to anyone. I can’t do this.” A tight knot of panic forms tightly in my chest, wrapping around my heart and lungs, making it hard to breathe. “I need to just keep hiding. I can’t go out just yet. I should never have called you. I should stay here for a bit because I don’t know what I’m going to say. Because it isn’t just for the band, is it? I will have to give a press release and everything.”
I feel myself crumble. And crumble in a way that I haven’t ever done before. Tears leak out of my eyes before I can even think about what’s happening. This is a damn state and I can’t hack it. I can’t handle any of it. I can feel myself shrinking inwards, needing somewhere to shy away, needing to be alone all over again.
“You need to go,” I blast out, almost sounding a little angry. “Leave me, and please don’t tell anyone where I am because I’m not ready yet. Not at all. I need to… to get my head in order.”
“And what will you do if I go?” She presses her hands to her hips and glares at me. “Are you going to find your way to the bottom of another bottle, huh? Because that has really worked out for you in the past, hasn’t it?”
Woah. I don’t know if expecting some sympathy from her was exactly what I’d been doing, but I sure as hell didn’t think that she would be cruel to me. I mean, I’m crying here. Really falling apart in front of her, and she’s glaring at me like I have done something on purpose to upset her.
“I don’t know…” I reply quietly. “I think that I will just sort out all of this in my mind.”
“Why not do that now? Do it while I am here? Who knows, maybe I can even help you.”
I dart my eyes up towards her, wishing I hadn’t done whatever it took to bring that tone from her. But I have, and I know that it’s got to be my fault because she isn’t the only one who has spoken to me this way. Everyone has and that’s because they want to get through to me. It’s just a shame that no one has.
“Where do you want to start? With Mandy?” I wince at the mention of her name. “You aren’t the only person in the world that has fallen for the wrong person. You’re not the first to hurt someone else along the way, and you damn well won’t be the last. But not everyone loses their minds like you have. You have allowed this situation to swallow you up whole and to change you. I will admit that the pressure of the tour probably hasn’t helped you, especially since it’s all been going wrong, but you haven’t handled it well, either.”
“No, I haven’t.” I hang my head low, ashamed of myself. The way that she is talking to me hurts. “I haven’t done anything right. Even when I want to, I keep getting it wrong.”
“Right, and that’s because you’re trying to do it alone. You are an emotional wreck and you can’t get ahold of yourself. With a bit of intervention, you can. You don’t need to worry about it when you have others looking after you. Sure, it will still be a battle, I’m sure, but the right people will be around you.”
I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. “What… what are you talking about?”
“Pack your stuff up,” she commands instead of answering me. “Come on, we’re getting out of here.”
“But people… I don’t know who is going to be around. I don’t want any trouble.”
“There isn’t anyone out there. No one knows that you’re here. But they will soon if you stick around for long enough. They will descend on here like there is no tomorrow. Then you will be stuck. This is the time to go. We need to leave, to get you somewhere safe. Somewhere that you can be taken care of and there won’t be anyone around to ask you questions. You’ll have plenty of time to sort your head out.”
Whatever this place is it sounds like a place that is too good to be true. I know it might be problematic, but what else can I do? I can’t just sit here and wait for everything to come to me and I can’t step out head first in to trouble either. All I can do is nod and allow Freya to do whatever the hell she wants me to.
“Okay, let’s go.” I nod and agree. “Whatever you want, I will do it.”
I don’t have much to gather up, so it doesn’t take long until Freya has hold of my hand and she’s leading me outside. The bright light is almost too much for me, it’s hard to digest, but I keep on moving until she pushes me in to the car. I curl around myself as we pull away, fearing that everyone can see me like this. A mess.
“It’s okay,” Freya tells me quietly. “Don’t worry. Everything will be okay soon.”
Her voice is soothing and sweet. Really nice to listen to. It helps me to unroll my body and to sit up normally beside her. The world outside whizzes passed me, blurring in to nothingness, which means all I can do is turn to face Freya, to watch her instead so she doesn’t make me dizzy.
“Thank you for coming,” I say sincerely. “And for coming alone. I appreciat
e it.”
“Of course I came. I wasn’t going to leave you, was I? You need me, so I’m here.” She shoots a quick smile my way. “Plus, I care about you. I only want what’s best for you.”
“So, you’re taking me somewhere that you believe is best for me?” I ask. Half of me is laughing, the other half of me is freaking out with what might happen. “Some place where all my problems will be solved?”
“I don’t know about that. I don’t know if all of your problems will be over. But this is definitely what you need. This will get you back on the right path once more. Where you need to be.”
I suck in a deep breath and hold it, trying to calm the swirling panic down. I don’t think I am going to like where this conversation is going. But I still need to ask it, to be sure. “And er, where do I need to be?”
Freya glances my way a few times before answering, trying to gauge how I will react, which I totally understand when the word finally comes out of her mouth and I learn the truth. “Rehab.”
Fuck. This blows me away. I didn’t know that it had gotten this bad, but clearly, it has. There isn’t anything that I can do but go along with it to see if it can help me. I’m not doing the best job of helping myself anyway. I’m kind of falling apart increasingly by the moment. It’s a miracle that Freya is even here, that she has come back to me, so I can’t argue with what she wants, even if it means that I miss out on the rest of the tour. Who knows? This might be the best thing that ever happens to me. It might be the cure.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Freya
A thick silence clings to the room, causing my heart to pound harder. All eyes are upon me, there are prickles of panic coming from everywhere, but all I can do is sit and front this out. I have no choice.
“So… you saw him?” Gary finally breaks the silence. “You found him? Then you took him away even though we still have the rest of the tour to complete? Huh? You didn’t think about the fans and all of the money that they paid? You didn’t think about the reputation of the band? You didn’t think about how we were going to cope?”