by Brenda Ford
It’s impossible not to feel guilty about this. I do feel bad now that I’m here looking at everyone that has been affected by the decisions that Alex and I both made. It’s awful to see them falling apart. But there isn’t anything that can make me take a step back from my choice. It was the right thing to do.
“Yes, I will admit that I wasn’t thinking about anyone else. I was just thinking about Alex and what he needs right now. He has tried, but the pressures of the tour has taken him down. I don’t think that there is anyone to blame for it, that isn’t what I’m saying. Just that he couldn’t handle it.”
Everyone is silent again for a couple more moments. I gasp in a couple of deep breaths trying to sound much less panicky than I actually feel. I glance my eyes at everyone, desperately searching for some kind of understanding. But I don’t seem to be getting it from anyone. Not even Rachel who can’t meet my eyes.
“You made this decision alone,” Hank growls, clearly fuming. “He called you while you were here with the rest of us, so you could have told someone. You didn’t need to go by yourself.”
“He asked me to. I thought that he would run away if I didn’t go along with what he wanted.”
“That’s stupid. Utterly ridiculous. We all want what is best for Alex and you know that. Even if he didn’t know it at the time, he would have seen it if we would have come along with you to help him.”
“Maybe.” I shrug. “Maybe not. I don’t know. I couldn’t guarantee it and after days of not seeing him, I didn’t want to do anything to risk him running off again. And when I saw him, I immediately knew that he needed help. Professional help. We all knew that was coming, didn’t we? The way that he has been drinking isn’t normal. The addiction is taking its toll on him and he needs to get sorted. So yes, it might cause issues with the fans and I can admit that it might be a pain for you guys, but Alex came to me because he needed help and that is what I gave him. Help just for him and no one else. Help to get him healed and back to himself. I appreciate what this is going to do to the rest of you, but he wouldn’t have survived anything else. The drinking would have continued and so would the downward spiral. Who knows what way that could have ended up?”
I expect someone to see my impassioned speech for what it is… but no one does. No one seems to get it at all. Hank even spins on his heels and walks from the room away from me. I seriously hope that he isn’t about to head to Alex’s rehab to pull him out of it when he really needs to be there.
I stare at Rachel, needing something from her, but still she won’t meet my eyes. She looks to Gary instead who follows behind Hank, effectively taking her with him. That’s it, Blood Red Masters gone, leaving me behind in a pool of hatred. I don’t think any of them will ever speak to me again which is a shame. I will miss Rachel.
“You’re okay.” Brad rests his hands reassuringly on my shoulders. “You did do the right thing for Alex, and they will see that soon. Right now, they are torn between helping Alex and wanting to please their fans so that everyone doesn’t turn on them, leaving them with nothing. They have split priorities. But as his brother, I am eternally grateful to you. I know that Alex would have run if we had all turned up. Going alone was the right thing to do. I’m just so happy that he has someone he trusts enough to call. Someone who cares enough to put him first no matter what else is going on. I really appreciate you for that.”
He pulls me in for a hug and holds me to his chest for a couple of moments, really showing me his appreciation, but as he pulls apart, I already know that he’s going to go now too. Everyone is. There isn’t any reason for any of us to be here without the search for Alex. So, we will all go home. Back to our own lives. Done. I might even be completely done with Alex now too. Maybe I came into his life for a reason, just to get him back on the right path, and now we will go our separate ways. Perhaps he won’ ever want to talk to me again after this.
Or maybe we will have a friendship, who knows. But I can’t sit around and wait forever. I need to get home too now. Back to Nathan, back to recording, back to my real life. Everything will be the same except for me. I don’t think that I will ever be the same again. I’m not sure that I can be. An ordeal like this will change me in ways that I guess I’m not quite prepared for. But all that I can do is go with the flow, wait and see. As I have seen from Alex, fighting the inevitable doesn’t help anyone. It’s a battle I don’t need.
“So, yes, as you can see, the whole world wants to work with you now.” Nathan laughs for such a long time that I can tell he wants me to join in. But I don’t. I can’t. “It’s up to you what you do.”
“I see.” I twiddle the pencil around in my fingers. “It’s up to me. Right, of course.”
“Why doesn’t this sound like it’s good news, Freya? Because to me, it is.”
“It is good news.” I nod a couple of times. “My head is just all over the place right now.”
Nathan leans back in his chair and stares at me. His gaze is piercing, it wants to burst through me but I’m not going to let it. there isn’t a chance in hell that I can deal with that right now. “Still?”
“Yes, I suppose so. Still. I don’t know, that whole mess just affected me.”
“I haven’t ever seen things affect you like this before though. I guess that’s what is confusing. I know that it must have been hard for you to deal with all of the Alex stuff, but you seem to have taken it to heart. I think I might know why, but I will let you tell me if you want to. If you need to talk about it.”
I guess I would like to talk about it, I would like to know what Nathan thinks about it all, but I’m too weary to go through it all now, so instead I shake my head no. I’m sure that the time will come later on.
“I just want to talk about all of these new jobs, because my career is the most important thing to me, just like it always has been. I want to focus on more music, more press stuff, maybe a tour of my own…”
“Okay brilliant.” There is a smile on Nathan’s face, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. I get the impression that he would like me to talk about my feelings for Alex, but I want to wait until I’m a bit more over him. I want to talk about it without the thick emotion tainting my words. I want an objective look at it. “So, if you want to get writing now, I can discuss studio time for recording. I can also email you a list of media jobs to see what you want to be a part of. Magazine articles, TV interviews, radio bits… also there are a couple of people who have put the feelers out when it comes to collaborating with you, if that is something you would consider?”
“Sure. I don’t see why not.” I try to ignore the icy sensation in my chest that it will never be with Blood Red Masters. I can work with other people. It doesn’t matter. Just because it won’t be the same… “It could be fun.”
“Great, great, so I will get that sorted too.” He taps his chin. “Basically, right now, it’s sorting out a viable schedule for you to fit the people that you want in. You are a hot property, miss!”
It remains unmentioned that my time with the band and the media storm that came with it has added to that, created it really. I don’t like the idea of getting bigger because of Alex’s failures, but what else can I do? I have already decided that I can’t sit around and wait for him to come to me when he might not want that. So, I need to keep going forward. Moving in the right decision. Thinking about me. It used to be so simple to put my career first. I didn’t even need to think about it, but now it’s impossible. I can’t stop worrying about Alex and where he might be, what he might be doing. How he must be coping in the rehab facility I put him in.
I want to go and see him to check on how he’s doing. But I really don’t think that I will be welcome. I’m sure that he doesn’t need any visit right now, particularly from me. I don’t know how he feels about me right now, and I don’t want to do anything to put his recovery in danger.
“And me?” I ask Nathan, trying my hardest to focus. “I just need to check off on your list.”
“Yes, let me
know what you want to do. And write as well. You always need to write.”
Huh, well at least I have a lot of emotional material to work with now. I can turn everything that happened with Alex in to a positive for me as well. I suppose it doesn’t have to be only him that’s helped by this. I can write some good songs from deep in my heart to make a good third album. It might even be healing to process things in this way. Either that or it will tear me apart even further. But that will be good for the creative process as well. It can only be a good thing, I suppose. If I’m going to see the positives in it…
“Right.” I rise up from my seat and nod at him. “Okay. I can do that. I will check the email and reply, while writing at the same time. I will be working the entire time.”
“Oh, I know it! And I will also sort out the tour for you. I think it will be good for you to headline your own one. Not as big as you’re used to, I’m sure with what you’ve had, but one without all the drama.”
I nod and agree with him, unable to form any words when it comes to the memories of the drama. I just hope that it isn’t like this forever. That one day I will be able to think back on that time without it destroying me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Alex
The green grass is almost sparkling in the sun light. The redness of the flowers glow brightly, almost bringing a smile to my face. I might only be able to see this through a small window but it’s a nice clear sight that I like. I would prefer to look at it for a lot longer in silence, rather than talk to the counselor sitting in front of me.
“Talking isn’t easy for you, is it?” she asks kindly. “I can see that about you.”
“Hmm, I suppose not.” I can’t even meet her eyes. I don’t want her judgement. “I don’t like it much.”
“But you can talk to some people, can’t you? The woman who brought you in here, you talked to.”
A groan of agony flies out of my mouth as I think about Freya. The beautiful woman who dragged me here, almost kicking and screaming, when she knew that I needed it most. The only person who cared enough to force me here. I didn’t really want to, I knew that it was going to be hard, but I did talk to her and I listened as well. She got through to me when no one else would, and now I miss her like crazy.
“I wasn’t good enough for her.” I shake my head hard. “It’s a good job that she’ll walk away from me now.”
“You were together?” the counselor asks. “Or you still are together?”
“Never properly.” I lean my chin on my hand and try not to lose myself in what I could have had, given half the chance. Freya was willing to give me a chance, to be with me, and I threw it down the toilet. Or down the bottle of a whiskey bottle, I should say. “I didn’t ever really let her in because of what happened before.”
The counselor remains in silence, not pushing me at all. She knows a little bit about me and Mandy. I have talked to her a little while being here, but I guess it isn’t enough. She will always want more. I don’t want to give it to her, but I am here for that reason alone. To talk and to get better.
“I can’t let anyone in when I know that I’m rotten to the core,” I admit. “Only someone who is awful like I am and would do the things that I do, could be classed as rotten to the core.” I shrug and fight back the emotion that wants to sweep me up whole. “And that really pertains to romance, so I can’t allow anyone in that way, can I? It’s dreadful but true. I can’t let anyone into my life romantically because I’m not good enough.”
“That has always been a feeling of yours, deep down, isn’t it? That you aren’t good enough.”
“Well, I slept with my twin brother’s girlfriend. I wrecked his relationship because we had an affair…”
“No.” She shakes her head as she interrupts me. “No, I didn’t mean that. I mean before that. Even earlier on in your life. Perhaps when you were a child. Emotions as deep seated as this one is for you usually come from being a child when something goes wrong. Did you have an emotional upheaval when you were young?”
I sigh loudly and nod, knowing that I’m about to face a subject that I really hate talking about. “My parents died when I was four years old. They had a really bad car crash and it killed them.”
“And you had a good relationship with them? Before they died, I mean?”
“Yes.” I nod. “Yes, it was very good. From what I remember anyway. I was very young…”
“Hmmm. And what happened on the day that they died?” She can sense it. She can see what is going on underneath me, that I try to hide away. “Is there anything that you can remember?”
“I do remember,” I admit. I think that this might be the first time that I have admitted this aloud. It’s scary, but I really hope that it might be a little bit freeing as well. “I remember it well. And not for a good reason. Because the last conversation that I had with my mother was her telling me off for bugging Angelo. I was always bugging him then. He was the good boy and I was the one who couldn’t stand still. Who was always messing around and getting in trouble. The one up a tree, grazing his knee, that sort of thing.”
“You have tried to block that conversation out for your entire life, haven’t you?”
My first instinct is to shake my head no because I’m sure that’s only a recent thing. But then I realize that maybe she’s right. Everything that I have done in life has been a distraction from the feeling of letting my parents, mostly my mother, down just before she died. The sensation of her passing away disappointed in me.
Music was a great distraction from any academic failures, flings were a great distraction from the fear that I couldn’t be a good boyfriend, Mandy probably attracted me because she was a distraction all on her own. She wasn’t ever really there for me to claim. It was all just a nightmare. And then there is the booze…
All of it a distraction. All of it an addiction in its own way. All of it running away from something.
“That’s something we shall dig in today. We can have a talk about this and see how it makes you feel.”
I sigh deeply and nod, even if I don’t want to. The counselor is right, I do need to deal with all of this if I want to come out of here a better version of myself. I need to push all of this away by wading through it and dealing at last. None of this is going to be easy, but for Freya, who brought me here, I need to do it.
Knock, knock. I turn over in my bed to face the door, not really wanting to deal with whoever is there. Knock, knock. I try to ignore it pointlessly because it isn’t like I can pretend I’m not in. Knock, knock.
“Yes?” I groan, my voice foggy from the silence that I have been existing in for the last few hours.
“You have a visitor, Mr. Smith. Are you up for someone coming to see you?”
I sit upright and try and smooth my clothes down, which is another pointless activity since there isn’t any disguising that I look like shit. I don’t think it’s possible to look good in here.
“Yeah, come in. Sure.” I brace myself, wondering who it’s going to be… “Oh, Brad!”
I’m relieved and disappointed all at once. I didn’t want it to be Freya, because I don’t want her to see me like this, but at the same time, I’m also sad that it isn’t. I could use her face right now. Her smile. The lovely laugh that comes out of her mouth whenever she is at her happiest. But Brad is good too. It’s great to see him.
“Hi, Alex.” Brad takes a seat beside my bed. “Sorry it’s taken me such a long time to see you. They wouldn’t let me come before now. They said that you needed some time by yourself to sort yourself out…”
I smile and nod, knowing this must be the truth because Brad really has always been the father figure in my life ever since I lost my parents, and it’s a role that he takes very seriously. Even now that we are all adults. He is still exactly the same. It must have been killing him that he hasn’t been able to see me.
“Well, here I am doing just fine… if you can call it that in here.” I laugh. “Thank you for coming.”
“Everyone wanted to come,” he assures me. “But I wouldn’t let them. I wanted to check in on you alone first to see how you are. I think that you have been in an overwhelming state for far too long, so since this is supposed to be a tranquil place for you. Five Smith brothers doesn’t exactly create a calm environment, does it?”
I can’t help but laugh in agreement at the one. “Yes, that is very true. They are all so loud.”
“You wouldn’t get a word in edgeways. And I want to know what is going on with you right now…”
This is a hint for me to fill him in on everything, which is exactly what I do. Somehow, after spending some time talking to the counselor about things, I now find it a little easier to talk about things, I think that she might have made me less ashamed of my issues. Brad is easily my most understanding brother anyway, because he’s been such a father figure, so it’s easy for my tongue to let lose. To say it all.
“Wow,” he whispers once I have finished talking. “Wow. Alex, that is really heavy. That’s insane. I mean, all those years you have been holding on to that pain and none of us knew…”
“I didn’t even know,” I reassure him. “Don’t worry that you didn’t notice it because neither did I.”
“And all of that pain over something seemingly small. All of that agony over a little telling off from Mom. Probably something that wouldn’t even be remembered had the crash not happened…”
“But I was always annoying Angelo, wasn’t I? And the rest of you. Even when she told me not to. I think that might be a part of the issue. The fact that I was never allowed to grow up enough for her to see me improve.”
“She is looking down on you now!” Brad insists. “And she’s proud. Look at who you have become.”