by Brenda Ford
I almost take her hand as we go before, I realize I probably shouldn’t do that. It might not be for the best. Plus, the chemistry sizzling between us is intense without us even needing to touch one another. It’s stronger than it has ever been as far as I am aware, but I suppose I was always in a stage of being fucked up before.
“So, how has it been?” Freya asks me warmly as we walk. “I know that might be a bit of a loaded question…”
“It is, but it’s been good.” I nod seriously. “Hard at times. Bad and unpleasant as well, but worth it.”
“Good, so you don’t hate me then?” she laughs. “I feared you’d be mad.”
“I don’t hate you. You got my letter, didn’t you? I love you.”
That might be a little forward. I know it probably isn’t the best thing for me to say, but it’s out there now. It’s been said. Part of what I have learned here is what I need to communicate better anyway, so why not start now?
“I… right.” She nods as her face becomes pale. “Yes, well, obviously, you know… feelings are… well, I think I might have told you a while ago that feelings have always been reciprocated, but this isn’t the time to focus on that, is it? It’s the time to focus on you and your health. Your recovery.”
“My recovery is fine,” I scoff. “It’s all I talk about. What I want to know is about the outside world.”
She smiles knowingly, understanding this is all that I need right now. “Okay, well I will tell you what’s been going on then, I will answer any questions that I can, but know I might not be able to give you everything.”
“I will start with the question that I ask everyone, and no one will give me an answer too…” I watch as she stiffens and wonder how she’ll react when the words come out. “How is the band?”
“Oh.” She nods slowly. “Well that’s probably because no one wants you to worry, but I guess it’s making you more worried by not having an answer. They are good. Busy, but good. They are doing everything that they can to make sure the band keeps going when you get out of here.” She smiles. “That’s probably why they haven’t been here to visit you. Because they want it all to be perfect when you come out.”
“So, there is going to be a band when I leave here then? I was worried.”
“I’m sure that things were bad but of course there is going to be a band. They are working their asses off because they want you back. I have no doubt that they miss you like crazy.”
“Have they said it?” This little golden nugget of information is amazing to me. I can’t help myself from needing to dig deeper. “When have you spoken to them? Have they said anything to you?”
Immediately she becomes weirdly cagey at that. “Er, well I haven’t actually seen any of them. I guess I have just been too busy. I’ve been picked up for a lot of media interviews and things like that. Plus, I have been recording bits for the third album, so I haven’t had much time to hang out with anyone.”
She’s lying. Not about being busy which I’m sure is the truth. I bet everyone has leapt on her after her amazing performance on tour with us. But about the band. There is a reason the guys haven’t spoken to her.
“You haven’t had a text from Rachel? Nothing?
I thought you both were friends.”
“We just have a lot going on, that’ll all.” She shrugs, her walls not coming down at all. “I’m sure it’ll change.”
She isn’t meeting my eyes which has to mean something bad. Again, I find myself faced with a situation that I want to help, but I can’t. I’m helpless all over again. It’s really damn hard not to get caught up in that.
“So, do you think you might be too busy to see me when I get out of here?” I ask quietly.
“Do you know when? Because I’m sure that I can arrange some time off…”
Uh oh. I feel bad by the way that her eyes light up. She thinks that I might be out of here soon which is something I wish that I could make happen, but I can’t. I still have some way to go.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to get you excited. I don’t know yet. Soon. I hope.”
“Right, I see.” The sadness over comes her once more making me feel really guilty. “Well, I…”
God, she’s silent. Much too quiet for my liking. Does she not want to see me when I get out of here? I just thought that with her being here after getting my letter that everything would be good. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought that after all of my work on myself and the delving in to my emotions, I would be better at reading feelings… but with Freya I don’t seem to be able to do it.
“I think I might need some time to process it.” She nods as if this makes sense. “All of it. I do want to see you when you get out of here, but I don’t know in what context.”
“Ah, I see.” Now I get what’s going on. It makes me realize that she was cagey when talking about being in love with me as well. It’s not like she denied the idea, but she didn’t exactly agree either. Shit, maybe she doesn’t feel the same way about me. Perhaps she’s over me… or there is a chance that she’s just being sensible and cautious. Neither of us were that before. We all just went with it. That didn’t exactly work out, did it?
“We should just meet for a coffee or something,” she finally says with a smile. “Go from there.”
Fuck, my fight isn’t going to end when I leave this rehab facility, it’s going to continue. I will be making up for the mistakes that I have made forever. But I guess that is something that I shall just have to accept.
“So, tell me everything about what you have been up to,” I say with a smile, sensing that we both need a change of subject here before we fall apart and start sobbing. “It all sounds very exciting.”
As she tells me everything that she has been up to, I watch her from the side of my eye, falling deeper in to love with her. So deep that I don’t think I will ever be able to drag myself out of it. She is definitely my one, this isn’t just me jumping on an obsession like I did before, this is real. If it turns out that she is the one and I lost her, then I will always be glad that I had her. Even if it was only for a short while.
“This is good,” I tell her. “You deserve all of this success. You really do. You’re so talented.”
“Not the talentless pop princess you once called me.” She laughs.
“Not at all.” Fucking hell, I cringe like crazy. I can’t believe how much of a dick I was. I damn well deserve to make up for this tomorrow. “You are one of the best people I know. I never should have been so rude and judgmental. Not when you turned out to be one of the most important person in my life.”
If only she could be mine…
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Freya
The music plays softly in the background, although the volume of it is creeping up over time. I wonder if anyone else has noticed that. As I glance around the room it seems to me like they’re too deep in their conversations to pick up on that, which is probably where I should be as well. The only problem in this industry party with lots of industry specialists here is that it reminds me of another event where I should have been talking to people within the music business to try and further my career… only I wasn’t. Because of course, that was the day that Alex went missing and I could only think of him. If things had been different then I could have enjoyed that party with him, just like I thought I was going to, and maybe even this one as well.
A shiver races down my spine as I consider what our lives could have been. I’ve been trying my best not to sink in to that because there isn’t anything that I can do to change it, but at times like this when it’s acutely obvious, and especially after the love letter and the visit a couple of weeks ago, it’s almost impossible.
“I need a drink,” I mutter to myself as I swirl the dripple left around in the glass. I’m going to have to speak to someone else soon. I have already made some great contacts, but I know that Nathan will want me to do more, but I need a glass of liquid to hold in my hands, to give me a distraction if thin
gs get awkward. It might be better if I was going to drink booze as well but since seeing the damage that can do first hand, I don’t ever want to go down that road. I would rather suffer a few moments of awkwardness.
“Ah, Freya Brown!” a lovely, flamboyant and happy man grabs my arm. “I have been trying to catch you all night to discuss a modeling job with you. I now obviously you’re not known for your modeling, but judging by some of the very hot images I have seen of you recently, I just know that you’re perfect.”
“Am I?” I get a glow of excitement; I can’t help myself. I don’t what I’m apparently good for yet, but it’s nice to know that I’m wanted by someone for something! “What would I be modeling for?”
He pulls out his cell phone and shows me the clothing that he designs, all of it very cool and artsy. Certainly not comfortable every day wear. But I can already see that it will make for some cool images. I can’t one hundred percent promise him that I will be a part of his imagery, I will have to check my schedule with Nathan first, but it is something that I want to be a part of, given half the chance. It’s one of those opportunities that I’m really grateful to have. Sure, I’m really not a model, the girls who do it professionally are absolutely incredible. The work and dedication that they put in is off the scale, but I do enjoy giving it a try.
After exchanging business cards and promising to keep in touch, I continue with my journey to the bar, my brain spinning with thoughts of the clothing I might be modeling soon. There were some pieces that I could never see myself in but some that I’m sure I can make work well. I would love to give it a try anyway.
“Hey, beautiful.” A gruff voice growls as soon as I reach the bar. “I saw you coming and ordered you a vodka and cranberry juice. I’m usually pretty good at working out what a woman likes to drink…”
“I’m not drinking tonight,” I reply through a tight lipped smile. I know this man already, of course I do. Everyone does. This is Travis Benson, the English rock star with a bad boy reputation like nothing else. There are constant stories of him causing havoc and partying with every woman going. He has been in short term relationships with every American famous woman around at the moment. I guess I should probably feel something as he talks to me, but I’m not impressed by him at all. “Thank you though.”
“Oh, don’t be like that…” He slides the glass towards me, basically trying to force the drink on me. That only makes me much less inclined to drink it. “This party is boring as fuck. I want to make it more fun.”
“Why are you here if it’s boring you?” I ask with a cocked eyebrow while ignoring the glass.
“My manager says that I have to be, so I guess I just need to make it fun in my own way. Since you look bored as well, and also like you could be a whole lot of fun deep down, I thought that you could assist me.”
“I’m not having a bad time,” I only half lie. “So, you might need to find someone else.”
He sidles closer to me, immediately making me back away. I can tell from the way that his eyes flicker with anger this is more rejection than he is used to… but if that is the case then he doesn’t need me, does he? If it’s really that easy for him, then he doesn’t need to pick on the one woman who isn’t going to be interested.
Unless that makes it more exciting for him. He thinks he might have a challenge. I sure as shit hope not because he won’t get through to me at all. My heart lies with a man who can’t ever be mine.
“You know, I have heard your music,” he continues in an innocent sounding tone of voice. “I particularly like your newer stuff. If you’re moving into an area of collaboration, then I would like to work with you.”
“You would?” A thrill bursts in my chest. Whatever he might be like, a Collab with Travis would be really damn good for my career. There’s no way it wouldn’t sell like crazy. “Oh my God, I would love that.”
Without really thinking about it. I grab the glass and take a sip of the drink. It burns my throat and the back of my tongue, plus the taste is kinda gross, it definitely isn’t the drink that I would have picked, but I’m celebrating.
“See?” Travis winks at me. “I always know what a woman drinks.”
“I think that these women must be telling you what you want to hear. This is seriously gross.”
For a split second, he looks hurt and I can’t help but worry that I have dented his pride so hard that he won’t want to work with me again. But then he tosses his head back and he lets out a bellowing laugh.
“You know, you might be right. I am surrounded by a lot of people who I would consider ‘yes men’. Not who I would really like the opinion of because it doesn’t mean anything. But you… I would like your opinion.”
“Well, if we’re going to work together then you would get used to it. Because you will be hearing it a lot.”
“I like the sound of that.” Travis nods his head. “It’ll be fun I’m sure.”
He cocks his head to one side and gives me a sweet smile. I grin back, knowing that if we do work together, we will end up having a lot of fun together. The rest of the world might see him as an asshole, but he isn’t going to worry me. Now it feels like whatever drama I can face I have always been through worse. Nothing can be harder to deal with than the fear that Alex was missing and none of us knew where he was.
“Oh look.” Travis grabs my shoulders and spins me around. “A photographer.”
Automatically, we pose with his arm around my shoulder and me leaving in to him. The photographer snaps a couple of pictures… a few too many for my liking. I almost feel the rudeness snapping up inside of me because this seems like far too much interest but luckily, he stops before I can snap.
“Me and you will be couple of the year when those pictures hit the Internet,” Travis teases. “It’s always that way with me. As soon as I speak to a woman, me and her are having a sordid affair.”
“Oh, so you’re telling me that you aren’t a play boy?” I laugh. “And that you haven’t slept with all of those women? Because you don’t stand a chance in hell of me believing you…”
“Not when the pictures are taken, no… but I always sleep with them. I must have some serious charm because there is no woman that I have ever wanted who hasn’t ended up in my bed.”
I can tell from the intensity of his gaze that he’s including me in this. He seems to want me, probably because he’s decided that I’m the only interesting person here, and he thinks that he will get me. But he won’t. He can’t.
“Right, well then it doesn’t matter when the pictures are taken, does it? Because if you end up sleeping with them, then it doesn’t matter when.” I shrug and smirk. “It’s all just semantics.”
We fall in to an easy pattern of talking. One that makes me forget about my responsibilities here and the rest of the room as well. Travis is definitely charming, just like he said that he is, but he isn’t about to charm my pants off. I think he’ll be nice to work with though, and possibly to befriend. I would like to have that connection with him. We could have the basis of something really great here…
Although, I thought the same about Rachel and our friendship never panned out, so who knows. I still haven’t heard from her and I have to assume that I never will. It’s so sad that I lost her, but she wasn’t the worst loss to me. Maybe it’s better in a way to have a clean break from Blood Red Masters.
In the middle of me talking about the song that I have just been writing, Travis shocks me by unexpectedly wrapping his hand around the back of my neck and dragging me to him. He catches me so off guard that I slide off the chair and practically fall against him, where I freeze, stuck. I’m numb, I don’t feel anything, but I don’t move either. At least not right away, mostly because I’m not sure what is going on.
Shit. The all too familiar flashing like bolts of lightning drags me away from Travis and I turn in horror to see the photographer from before capturing me with this man. The first person who’s kissed me since Alex on camera and about to go God knows whe
re. I didn’t kiss him back, but that won’t show on film.
“Fucking hell, I need to get out of here.” I leap up but he grabs me.
“What’s the matter? Don’t worry about some picture. It doesn’t matter when we have such chemistry.”
“That wasn’t chemistry. Not like…” Nope, I can’t say his name. I just can’t. “Sorry, I have to go.”
He calls out my name as I tear off at the speed of light. But I’m not going to look back. Now I need to tell Nathan about another potentially damaging PR disaster. This ‘kiss’ with Travis isn’t going to look great when half the world still believe that I put Alex in to rehab, is it? I so wish that the Internet didn’t exist. It’s absolutely filled with stuff about me at the moment and it’s crazy. I hate it.
At this rate, to put a stop to it, I will have to never be seen in damn public again!
Chapter Thirty
Alex
It feels weird. The outside world feels like a strange, foreign place to me. During the few months that I have been in rehab, I haven’t been outside. They haven’t locked me away like I’m a criminal or anything… but this is something different. This is freedom that I wasn’t anticipating for a while yet and that I don’t know what to do with. When the doctors first told me that I was getting out of here soon, I freaked out and begged not to leave. I didn’t want to because I don’t know if the strength, I have found in the center will follow me in to the outside world. But I guess as they said to me, there is only one way to find out.
“Are you ready?” Brad asks me with a reassuring smile. “Ready to get back to real life?”
“Real life?” I scoff. “What does that even mean? I don’t know what real life even is.”
It’s true. It really is. My real life has been a confusing mess for as long as I can remember, maybe even before I even saw Mandy. So, I suppose the way for me to really look at it is getting a fresh start rather than going back to anything. There isn’t really anything that I would ever want to go back to.