by Brenda Ford
“Well, as you know, we are all here to support you. All of us.”
“I know.” I nod slowly. “It’s been hard for me to accept that, especially with Angelo. It’s been difficult to understand why he would forgive me, but I see now that it isn’t for me to understand. It’s for me to accept.”
“Angelo loves you; you know that. He does forgive you wholeheartedly.”
I take in a couple of deep breaths before I climb into the passenger seat of Brad’s car. I stare forwards, watching where we’re about to go, as my oldest brother joins me to take me home. The weight of him balances out the car and reminds me that he really has been there for me, no matter what.
“I appreciate you coming to pick me up,” I tell him earnestly as we leave. “It’s very nice of you.”
“I will be honest with you, Alex, I had to fight everyone. They all wanted to come and pick you up, but I fought them all off. All of our brothers wanted to come and the band as well. Me and Hank nearly came to blows…”
“The band as well?” I demand. “I haven’t heard anything from them. I thought they were mad…”
“They haven’t ever been mad at you, I told you that much, they just had stuff to do.”
“I suppose so,” I agree. “I will just have to wait until I see them again to find out for sure…”
I sense Brad’s eyes darting towards me over and over again, which makes me incredibly anxious. I twist my whole body around and glare at him until he opens his mouth and finally tells me what’s going on.
“Look, I might as well be honest right now because I don’t want to freak you out.”
“Oh no,” I groan, almost dropping my head in to my hands. “What’s going on?”
“Well because I wouldn’t allow anyone to come with me to pick you up because I knew that it would overwhelm you, they wanted to all gather at the house to see you. To welcome you home.”
“Like a welcome home party? I don’t know if I can deal with that,” I exclaim.
“It isn’t anything as heavy as a party. Just a gathering so everyone can see you, that’s all. But if that is too much for you, I can call and cancel. It might be better for you to have a chilled night.”
A smile spreads across my lips as I consider what it will be like to see everyone again. You know, I do feel like I am stronger now and that I can handle things. Sure, it might be wild to see everyone all at once, but it might also be wonderful. Maybe this is exactly how I need to spend my first night back at home.
“No, don’t worry about it. I actually like the idea. It’s been a while since I have just had fun.”
I lean on my elbow and stare out the window as I go, thinking about everyone who is in my life, including the ones that I left behind. A part of me is still in the rehab, worrying about my own future as well as my new friend Cody’s. I didn’t like leaving him behind, especially when he wasn’t making any progress and going backwards if anything. I just hope that me leaving doesn’t send him further backwards. I would much rather it boost him in the right direction instead, but who knows? As I have learned, I can’t control what others do. It’s up to them. All that I can do is be there for him, to help him as and when I can and when he wants me too.
Eventually, just as I knew that we would, we pull up outside the house. The big home that our parents left to us after they died. It doesn’t matter where I have ever lived in the past, this has always been my home, but since I’m all about a fresh start then perhaps moving somewhere new could be a start of that…
“Come on then.” Brad smiles widely as he turns off the car engine. “Let’s go inside.”
I nod, wishing I could drag some confidence up from some somewhere. I don’t want to feel like a young boy heading in to a new school as I’m going home, but I’ve been away for so long that I can’t help it. And not just away in rehab, but away mentally as well. Not any longer though. Now, I am back for good.
Cheers and welcoming cries greet me as I step inside. People jump on me from every angle and wrap their arms around me to greet me now that I am home. A warmth of love rushes over me, really heating me up with love. The love that absolutely everyone is offering me from everywhere. Yes, this is definitely the greeting that I needed, and I am extremely lucky to have everyone here. I feel better already and much less lonely.
It doesn’t take long for things to become far more of a party than a gathering – whatever that meant anyway – and I surprisingly enjoy myself. No one is drinking booze, which is silly because I won’t be able to escape alcohol forever, but is a nice touch. They are all really caring about me.
“We got your letter,” Rachel says to me with Gary close to her side. “And I hope you know that none of us blame you for what happened. We were never mad at you.” Gary coughs and she darts him a look. “Okay, so maybe there were times when we were mad at you, but not anymore.”
“Even though I fucked everything up?” I ask sadly. “Because I know that I created a shit storm then I got to hide away in rehab while you guys and the management team all had to work it out.”
Rachel says nothing. This time it’s Gary who jumps in. “I don’t think we had it easy, mate.” He pats me on the shoulder. “You were working on yourself which we appreciate. You had a lot to get through and I’m sure that with everything you had to dig through, we were the ones who had it easy.”
“I bet it wasn’t.” My eyes hit the floor. “I bet everyone hates me. I bet the fans have…”
“The fans love you for being human. They don’t blame you at all.” Gary grins and I honestly think it’s the first time that I have seen him looking happily at me for as long as I can remember. “No one does. We all just want you to be happy, we all just want you to be content in yourself. Back to yourself.”
“I’m there. Or at least I think I am. I’m on the way at least. Once I get back to real life, I will be okay.”
“We don’t need to talk about the band’s future until then, okay? Because our future will be awesome.”
I talk to my band mates for a little while longer, feeling much more reassured that everything with Blood Red Masters will be okay in the long run. I can’t deny that I’ve been wrestling with the fear that it will all fall apart, but now I don’t have that same worry at all. Actually, it all feels good. They have plans for the future for us, just as I do, and now that I’m better I will put in so much more for us. The band will become my focus.
But soon, another person that I really need to speak to before the night is out, begs for my attention and takes me outside. As we take a seat in the garden, I look at him properly for the very first time in ages.
“It’s been a while, Angelo,” I practically growl. “Since I have been myself, I mean.”
“Yes.” He nods. “It has. A very long time. But are you back fully? Do you really feel like yourself at last?”
“I think so. I mean, I would like to just give you an outright yes, but I don’t want to offer any false hope, so I will just say I think so for now. I definitely feel less clouded by everything than I have done before.”
“Well, now that you are in a better frame of mind, if there is anything that you ever want to discuss, I am here,” Angelo offers. “It’s always been difficult with Mandy, and if you want to talk, we can. I don’t think I really know how you feel about her. Is it something you would still like to pursue? Because I know that you told me you were in love with her, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. There is no need to now…”
“I don’t want her.” I shudder. “No way. That’s one thing I can be sure of.”
“Are you sure? Because I fear my reaction to everything is what sent you bad?”
“It was nothing to do with you… or her. She wasn’t the one and I’m really sorry that I risked everything for her. It was a stupid decision. I can see that now…”
We fall into silence for a while. But it’s comfortable silence which gives me some time to think. There is only one face who comes to mind actually, one per
son who isn’t here. I feel compelled to ask about her…
“So, Freya.” I try to sound casual, but I don’t think I pull it off. “She couldn’t come?”
Angelo’s face contorts in all kinds of emotions. I can tell that this isn’t easy for him. “Brad actually decided that it wouldn’t be the best idea to invite her tonight after everything?”
“Oh right.” So, she probably doesn’t even know that I’m out which is… interesting. “Why not?”
“I don’t know whatever happened with you guys, if you were ever a thing or whatever, but…” He bites down on his bottom lip so hard I fear that he might draw blood. “Well, I hate to tell you this, but I think that you deserve to know. She’s rumored to be dating someone else. Er, Travis Benson actually.”
I’m winded. The news that the woman I love might have moved on with someone else is like a thump to the stomach, but at least I am well equipped to deal with this in a healthy route now. I won’t instantly turn to booze like I used to. I knew that the outside world was going to bring some challenges with it. I just didn’t realize how soon…
Chapter Thirty-One
Freya
The crowd goes wild as I launch my newest single, the most rock song that I have done yet, which thankfully they all love. I was a little nervous, even after my tour with Blood Red Masters I was scared that people wouldn’t like it… but here they are loving it. Sure, the crowd is so much smaller than what I’m used to, but that’s okay. At least here it’s just me. There won’t be any drama from anyone else. I don’t even have anyone supporting me because I can’t handle the pressure from anyone else. I need it to just be me.
I whip around the stage, giving the song every scrap of my energy, and the crowd responds in kind. They give me every bit of them right back and I love it. This is why I love performing. I almost forgot all of this can be a part of it. It turned off in my mind because I associate performing with Alex but now… well, now I can remember that there is more. It can be so much fun, so inspiration, just so everything.
My heart warms up as I see members of the crowd singing along with me. They know the words already. But even as I have done some of the lesser known tracks on my new album, they know them. It seems like I have some fans for life here. Some older ones and some newer ones as well. It’s very exciting.
As the song comes to an end and the music dies down, my heart begins to speed up as I think about what comes next. The next song that I am about to sing is one that no one will be able to sing along with because no one knows it. No one aside from the staff have ever heard it before. Nathan actually doesn’t want me to perform it because it’s from my third album and no one should hear it until its release in his opinion, but I remained strong and I won. Here I am, singing it. It’s the right thing to do as well because I need to get this out there. This song is all about me and Alex, remembering the good times that we shared, and I just want to sing out a little. Alex probably won’t ever hear it, which is fine, I don’t know if it’s better that way because there isn’t anything to come from it. There can’t be at this rate. I walked away from him in rehab and I haven’t been back since.
“Now, I am going to sing an exclusive for you,” I say quietly, a little breathless from all that dancing. “This song will eventually feature on my third album when it comes to it.” Everyone cheers which makes me giggle. “But I wanted to show it to you guys today, because it’s very important to me.”
A hush fills the room. The anticipation is palpable. Almost too much to bear. It builds up a deep pressure inside of me, making every part of me freak out. But I need to keep it cool just enough.
I dip my head low, the lights dimming around me, and I suck in a deep panicked breath. The words that I am about to sing fill me up, consuming me, along with the memories that are associated with them, and by the time the first words explode free from me, I see Alex’s face crystal clear in my mind. Our first kiss, the first time we had sex, the rose bushes, the laughter, the talking, the fun times. I don’t really consider any of the bad times when I think about him, such as the drunken nights where I would find him in random bars, or the times he was heartbroken over another woman. What the hell is the point? There isn’t any need to consider the bad times because they don’t define what we shared. What we shared was something wonderful.
Oh shit. Tears brim behind me eyes. I wasn’t expecting that to happen. I thought that I was in a good enough place to not crumble at the mere thought of him, but I guess not. I turn away from the crowd and try to wipe a stray tear away, but it’s a bit too late because they’re streaming down my face already. I guess I will have to embrace the emotion and go with it. Come on, Freya, just go with it. Just be yourself.
As I turn back, my eyes are drawn to someone in the crowd. Someone specific, someone who I’m pretty sure is in my imagination because I’m thinking so much about him. Of course I would love to look out in the crowd and see Alex there, but it isn’t going to happen. He’s healing, he’s in rehab, he’s getting himself better. After he leaves the rehab center, he will still need to get his life in order. He won’t be here…
But then I see the person next to him and my heart nearly stops beating completely. Angelo. Angelo. Alex’s twin. I wouldn’t be imagining him now, would I? He must actually be here.
Fucking hell. My heart pounds so hard against my rib cage I fear it might break free from my chest. It’s hard to keep my eyes on either of them when everyone is dancing and jumping around like crazy. The crowd keeps moving like the ocean, like the waves crashing violently. I almost want to stop myself from singing just to tell everyone to be silent and still while I figure it out… but I can’t do that. That would be insane.
I get to the end of the song and smile out at the crowd, trying not to dart my eyes around too much because I don’t want to be a crazy person, and I start on with the next one smoothly, just like Nathan would want me to do. Professionalism at all times, I know that’s what he needs of me now since the events of before.
But however professional I am, Alex and Angelo remain in my mind. I can’t stop looking for them no matter what. Every so often I think I might spot one of the twins, but I can’t be one hundred percent sure. I guess the only thing that I can do is get to the end of the set and see for certain who is around…
I race off the stage, straight into Nathan’s arms who stops me from running anywhere. I stare up at him, desperately needing him to understand that I need to get away, but he holds me tighter.
“Where are you going? You aren’t leaving, are you? Don’t forget the encore.”
“Oh fuck.” I nod and stop trying to fight against Nathan. “Of course. I need to sing more.” I deflate like a balloon. “Right, well, erm… I need you to do something for me. Is that okay?”
“Right?” Nathan narrows his eyes, totally unsure. “And what is that?”
“I think I might have seen Alex out in the crowd…” He steps away from me, looking horrified. “No, don’t be like that, Nathan. If he’s here, then I want to speak to him. I need to see him. To know how he’s doing.”
“I thought that he was in rehab,” Nathan shoots back coldly. “Why would he be here?”
I shrug helplessly. “I don’t know. That’s what I want to find out. I can do that, can’t I?”
“I don’t see why you would want to see him when he threatened to derail you before.”
“He didn’t! He didn’t do anything to me. He just did that to himself. Everything that happened to me was all my choice and I think you know that. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to help.”
“Well, now is the time to focus on you. This is your tour now and you need to get back out there for the encore. So, I want you to forget what you think you might have seen out there, and I want you to kick some ass.”
“I’m not going out there.” I fold my arms over my dress and shake my head hard. “Not unless you actually agree to help me. I just want you to go out there and see. That’s all. I’m not asking
to be derailed, I’m not asking for things to get nuts again, I just want to see what he has to say to me, that’s all.”
“I worry about you, Freya. I do. Your attention and choices when it comes to him…”
“After I got the letter, I went to see him in rehab. I didn’t tell you about it, but I did. I sensibly told him that we couldn’t be together while he’s healing, and I distanced myself for the after part as well. So, if that isn’t a smart choice then I don’t know what is. I know what I’m doing. I know what’s right. So, please, go out there and look for him. Just see if he’s there and bring him back to me, Nathan. Please?”
Finally, Nathan nods and agrees with me. “Okay fine. I will. If I find him, I’ll bring him back here, but please promise me that you will be okay? That you won’t end up doing something stupid for this man.”
“I won’t, I just want to see him.” I glare at Nathan. “That’s all I’m asking for.”
I feel a little better as I step back out on to stage and I sing for the encore. The spot light seems to have increased a lot this time around, which means I can’t see anyone in the audience. I don’t know if Alex or Angelo are out there and if Nathan is even looking for them. My manager has probably arranged that on purpose so I can’t be distracted. I guess it’s going to have to work so I throw myself fully into it. I give myself totally over to the song, my second single so it’s one of my more popular ones, but also a real crowd pleaser.
This is good actually. It leaves the crowd on a high which is what I want. I want them to leave here wishing the gig was a lot longer. So, I will take it. Nathan might have something here.
I wave goodbye as I leave the stage for a final time, thanking the crowd for being so amazing, before I head back stage once more. Immediately, my eyes are desperately searching for Nathan, but he’s nowhere to be found. I’ll be fuming if it turns out that he hasn’t looked for Alex at all and he’s just done a runner…