Men In Control (Smith Brothers Complete Series)

by Brenda Ford

  Uh oh. Alex again. But this time, I can answer it a bit more honestly. We have already decided that while we aren’t going to scream about us from the roof tops, we won’t deny us either.

  “It seems like the two of you might be an item… which is good news, since he’s been through a hard time.”

  “We are spending some time together, sure.” I blush as I play things down just a tad. I don’t want the world to get too excited by us. “And while he might have had a hard time, he is in a much better place now.”

  “I bet! If he has a lovely woman like you looking after him, then no wonder.” God I’m being so obvious, but I can’t stop beaming and smiling at him. “So, is it just causal, or are the two of you in love?”

  “Er…” Much as I want to tell her how I really feel about my man, to stake a public claim on him so everyone knows where he stands but since I haven’t yet said it to him, not properly since he got out of rehab, I don’t want to do it here first. He deserves to hear it directly from my mouth, rather than on TV first.

  “I think your silence says it all,” Mel laughs. “And if you are together, we wish you all the best…”

  She talks for a little while longer, but my mind has wandered off. My mind is all about Alex. I need to tell him how I feel already. I don’t really know why I have been holding back. That seems crazy. It might seem soon to say the three ‘I love you’ words, but it’s also been forever. We were close before, but now we are all in. I need to let him know already. Once I finish here and at the doctor’s too, then I will finally confess my love…

  I tap my foot impatiently on the waiting room floor, wishing that I had taken up Linda’s offer to come with me. I assumed I would be in and out, just a quick job, but the doctor insisted on taking some blood samples and it’s taking forever for me to get the results. I want to get home already; I need to see Alex. Now that I have decided that I want to tell him how I feel; I can’t wait to see his beautiful face, to get his reaction.

  “Oh, for goodness sake.” I can’t stand the tension anymore. I pull out my cell phone, even though there is a notice up on the board asking people not to use them, and I call my Mom. I hate breaking the rules, but if I don’t speak to another living human being soon then I am going to lose my damn mind.

  The woman sitting behind the reception desk glares at me, basically indicating for me to leave, so I head out of her sight, so he can’t give me an evil look any longer but I’m still in view if the doctor comes for me. The last thing I want to do is miss my results because I have stepped away for a moment.

  “Hello, sweetie,” Mom answers quickly. “How are things with you? I just watched you on Lunch With Mel.”

  “Oh…” I haven’t had a chance to tell her about Alex yet. My schedule has been very busy… plus I have been waiting to check that things work out before I cement things by telling her. But now it’s too late.

  “So, Alex, huh? The guy from the vampire band? He’s very good looking.”

  “Oh right!” That wasn’t the answer that I was expecting at all. “You like him?”

  “I didn’t say that I like him! I haven’t met him yet, so I haven’t been able to make a judgement. I presume that is something you will change at some point.” I make an agreeable sound even though I don’t think me and Alex are ready for something as heavy as parent meeting quite yet. “Good, because I want to see the man who has brought such a smile to your face. I don’t think you have ever looked so happy.”

  “I haven’t ever been this happy, Mom.” My hands hug around myself. “He’s special. You will see.” I spot the doctor entering the waiting room to look for me. This call really has made time whiz passed. “Oh, Mom, I have to go. The doctor is here to see me. I will give you a call later on.”

  “Why are you at the doctors? What is going on?”

  “I… I don’t know. I just haven’t been feeling myself for a few days so I’m getting checked out.” I shake my head, realizing this isn’t important right now. “I will call you when I know more.”

  She is still talking to me, but I continue hanging up the phone because I’m in a rush. She’ll understand when I call her back in a moment anyway. Once I have my answers, I can give them to her. For now, I need to follow the doctor back in to his office to find out what’s wrong. If it’s exhaustion, I hope that there is something they can give me to perk me back up again. Right now, in the fickle world of fame I am on top of my game and I don’t want to lose that because of some mystery illness. Things can easily slip away.

  My mind reels as I take my seat. I try to work out what jobs I can push to the side if I really do need to take a rest but there aren’t really any that I want to. I have a cat walk modeling job coming up soon, plus plenty of promo stuff. All the jobs where I will be singing are where I want to be… Nathan will have to help me decide what I’m going to sacrifice, and I will have to listen to him since I can’t choose myself….

  “The results of the blood test are back.” The doctor fiddles with his hands on his desk. He almost looks nervous which makes me panic. He must give bad news all the time, so if he’s freaked out then it must be really bad. I have been convincing myself that it’s exhaustion but there may well be something seriously wrong with me. I don’t know how to prepare myself to get the worst news. It isn’t possible. “Miss Brown… you are pregnant.”

  Pregnant? No, that word doesn’t make any sense. Does he mean Cancer instead? Or something equally horrible? It can’t be pregnant because me and Alex are in a good place right now. We don’t need anything serious to come along to halt things. We aren’t in a ‘parent meeting’ place, never mind a ‘bringing a life into the world’ place. That is some serious shit. Alex is only just out of rehab. This could be the thing to push him backwards.

  Fuck, why didn’t we ever think of that in the heat of the moment? Why did we just get carried away?

  I part my lips and stare at the doctor, wondering what I should say here. There must be some words. I just need to find them… “Buggering hell.” Okay. I don’t think that’s the words I wanted…

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Alex

  I lean against the door frame as the food cooks behind me, just watching Freya on the couch. She isn’t watching the cheesy horror movie on the screen in front of her, I can already tell from the way that her eyes have glazed over. She’s somewhere else entirely. Just like she has been all evening long. I was so looking forward to seeing her, I watched her on TV and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on her… but the woman that I find myself faced with doesn’t seem to want to know. She isn’t being cold and disinterested, more distracted.

  You can’t control this, I remind myself. You only have power over how you react.

  This lesson from all of the therapy that I had in rehab has followed me the entire time, but sometimes it’s easier to follow than others. All I want to do now is demand to know what’s wrong with Freya and to make it right. I want to fix everything… but I can’t. I mean, she might just be tired, that’s all.

  “Are you okay?” I ask quietly, just trying to bring her mentally back in to the room. “You look sad.”

  “I’m just thinking.” A very fake smile crosses her lips. “That’s all. Sorry, I don’t mean to be…”

  “It’s okay, I don’t want to put any pressure on or anything. I just wanted to… I don’t know.” I don’t like this; it feels too awkward for words. Me and Freya aren’t normally like this, it’s weird as all hell.

  “How is dinner getting on?” she asks, trying to change the subject. “Do you need a hand?”

  “Er, yes actually.” I might as well get her up off the couch. It might either bring her out of this funk or get her in a place that she can admit what’s happening. “If you don’t mind. Just with plating up.”

  She moves passed me in to the kitchen and I feel the intense loss of her as she goes. She’s empty, numb, not in there at all which makes me incredibly sad. I need her back. She’s my everything. So, as she b
usies herself in the kitchen, I move behind her and wrap my arms around her in a hug from behind. Bury my face in her hair and just try to let her know that I’m here. I want her to know that she isn’t alone.

  “Are you okay?” she says with a half giggle. She does rest her hands on mine, but there is still a distance.

  “I’m okay, just a little worried about you, that’s all. You seem very quiet today.”

  She sighs and shakes her head. “I’m good. Just trying to wrap my head around some things, that’s all.”

  “You were really good on Lunch With Mel. I love seeing that passion in you. It’s fab.”

  “Yeah… thanks.” Her reaction makes me worry that something might have happened at the show.

  “Freya.” I step backwards. I need to know at least something now. Sure, I can’t control it. But I can know. I understand that I don’t have a right to demand anything from Freya since I made her worry a lot about me, but I can’t stand this any longer. “Please tell me how I can help you. I’m freaking out.”

  “There isn’t anything to freak out about. Honestly. It’s fine. I just…”

  “Don’t try and push me away. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to help you like you did help me.”

  She sighs, her eyes hit the floor. She might not want to dive in to this but I can see that I’m getting somewhere with her. Eventually, she will confess, and we can sort it out. That’s all I need right now.

  “I went to the doctor today, that’s all, and I had some tests. I just need to figure out…”

  “I didn’t know that you were going to the doctors.” I can’t stop my brain from immediately going to all the wrong places. The worst occurs, I practically put Freya on her death bed out of fear. “What happened?”

  “I haven’t been myself.” She shrugs, clearly trying to play it down. “I’ve been over tired and a bit sick. Probably nothing to worry about, but I just wanted to get checked out.”

  “There is more to this.” I narrow my eyes suspiciously at her. “I already know. You seem to think that I don’t know you well, but I do. Right now, you’re hiding something from me and it’s scaring me.”

  To my shock, she rolls her eyes. “This really isn’t something for you to be scared about.”

  “How can I not be? I feel like you’re pulling away from me and that does freak me out.”

  “Maybe this isn’t really about you.” Her face flames red. I think that I might have pushed her too far and now she’s in a state of rage. “Or perhaps I’m not saying anything yet because I need to figure out a way to tell you.”

  “Tell me what?” Fucking hell, I’m back to thinking to worst. “Freya, what’s happening?”

  “Just leave it.” She holds up her hands to stop me. “Please, just leave it. This isn’t a conversation to have now. Let’s just eat dinner and talk later on. Give me some time to sort this out in my brain.”

  “You want us to just sit down and eat through this tension?” I toss my hands in the air in despair. “I don’t think I can do that. My head is all over the place now. I just want to know that you’re okay.”

  “I’m not dying! I’m just… it’s nothing! It’s just nothing, Alex. Please, just believe me, will you?”

  She storms in to the living room, leaving me to deal with all of the food. I turn the oven off, so nothing gets burned but I don’t plate anything up just yet. I stare in to the distance and try to figure out what I can say next to make this okay again. My methods aren’t working out right now, are they? She’s stormed off and hates me.

  Just calm down… I tell myself. Both of us need to calm the fuck down, that’s all.

  I suck in a few deep breaths, trying to dissipate the fog in my brain, before I make my way in to the other room. As I walk, I try to decide what I’m going to say, but all of that completely falls apart the moment I find her collapsed on a heap on the couch crying. It really is as bad as I worried it might be.

  “Oh my God, Freya. What’s going on?” I race to her side and throw my arms around her. “Please…”

  “It isn’t bad news. It isn’t!” She shakes her head. “I’m just scared that’s all.”

  “If it isn’t bad news then what are you worried about? I’m really confused, Freya.”

  “It’s…” She wipes her tears away, trying to calm herself down. “It’s just… I’m… Oh God, I don’t know how to say this, I really don’t. I wish… well, I wish we were in a better place for this first, but now…”

  Every muscle inside of my body clenches as I brace myself, trying to wait for the worst. “Now?”

  “I’m pregnant, okay?” she cries out. “I didn’t want to tell you like this. I wanted it to be done in a much better way, but you have pushed me in to a corner so now I have to just tell you while I’m all emotional…”

  Pregnant. I back away, the ice cold fear circling through me. Pregnant.

  “How?” I gasp out. “How does that… does that even happen?”

  “Do you need me to explain or what?” she shoots back, angry once more. “Because it wasn’t just me who didn’t always think of contraception. You were there as well. Sober too. This had to have happened while you were out of rehab so you can’t lay all the blame on me. You just can’t.”

  “I wasn’t…” I rake my fingers through my hair in distress. “I didn’t mean that, I just…”

  Pregnant. That’s the part which is getting to me. The whole baby thing. I can’t have a baby, can I? I have already proven that I can’t look after myself. I made a mess of my life here; I am only just getting it back together. I don’t know if this is the right time to bring someone else in to the picture, another life that I will be responsible for. Already, it’s a struggle to get any air into my lungs, and that’s only at the mere mention of the word.

  “I can’t… we can’t… not now…” I splutter. “I don’t know if I am any good, if I…”

  I stare at Freya, but she isn’t looking at me like she understands me at all. Clearly, my words aren’t getting through to her, and considering the walls of this apartment are already closing in on me, threatening to crush me in an instant, there is only one thing I can do. In the heat of the moment, it’s the most logical thing ever. I bolt towards the door, actually running to get away from the crying Freya. I’m instantly ashamed of my actions, but that does nothing to stop me from following through with it. I run until I hit the outside world and the cold air washes over me. But even that isn’t enough to stop me. I keep on running.

  Ring, ring… Fuck, my cell phone. Freya, it must be. Ring, ring…

  I don’t stop running. Not at first. Not until the call comes in a second time and I know that it won’t stop. With a strong of curse words flying out of my mouth, I pull it out and hit the answer button. “Hello?”

  “Alex? What the fuck is wrong with you? You sound like you have been running?”

  “Er, Angelo, yes, I…” I can’t explain. “What’s the matter?”

  “Me and Rachel were just wondering if you guys would like to come out tonight for drinks. Not booze.”

  “Er, right.” I clasp my hand to my forehead. “I don’t know. I don’t think that is a good idea.”

  “No, clearly not. But it is probably a good job that I called you because something is going on. If you have had even one drink, then you need to let me know where you are so I can come and get you. I’m not allowing you to throw everything down the drain because of one night. Don’t lie to me either…”

  “I haven’t had a drink.” God, it feels good to be able to say that. For it to be the truth as well. Even in the middle of the shock, even as I ran away, I didn’t want to dive into alcohol. “I just had a shock.”

  “I’m getting in the car now. I’m coming to find you. What’s going on?”

  “No, you don’t need to find me.” Already I feel stupid for running away. I’m calming down already, and I want to be back with Freya to have an adult discussion about this… if she will even have me back. I can’t blame
her if she turns me away. “I just need to get back to Freya. I have been a dick again.”

  “What’s happened this time?” Angelo groans. “What’s going on?”

  I shouldn’t tell Angelo, not before I have addressed it with Freya, but I want my twin brother to know. I want to hear his words, to have his advice. I need it. “Freya is pregnant. We’re having a baby.”

  “And you freaked out because you don’t think you’re good enough?” He immediately hits the nail right on the head. “Okay, tell me where you are because I am coming to meet you for a pep talk. You need it.”

  I grin as I reel off where I am. Angelo will sort me out, he will know exactly what to say. I do need him right now. Once he’s sorted me out, I can go back to Freya in the best version of myself that’s possible. The Alex that she deserves!

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Freya

  “This is why I didn’t want to tell you!” I call after Alex as he runs out the door. I don’t think that he hears me, but I scream it anyway because this is his fault. I told him that I wasn’t ready to talk yet and he basically forced it out of me. I wanted to tell him in a nice calm way, not in a way that would make him run. “Fuck!”

  Well, he’s gone now. He’s out the door and running away. There isn’t anything that I can do about that. Back when we were on tour and he would run away to a bar, I would always be the one chasing after him, afraid to leave him alone in case he did something to damage himself, but that was then, and this is now. Now I don’t know where he will go, and since he’s sober, I don’t know how much trouble he can get himself into, and I can also see that he needs some space to get his head around this. I had that, I walked around for a long time after leaving the doctor’s office, trying to work out how I felt about it all and I quickly came to the conclusion that while it’s scary and definitely not the right time, there isn’t anyone else in the world that I would rather have a baby with. We have nine months to get used to the idea anyway, so I’m sure that it will be fine…