My Great Ex-Scape

by MacIntosh, Portia

  ‘Oh, wow,’ he says, back to his own accent. ‘The suites really are gorgeous.’

  ‘Yeah, less so when you’re trapped in them,’ I reply. ‘But up until today, yes, it’s been like a dream.’

  ‘I tried to warn you,’ Josh says, shifting his attention from the furnishings to me.

  ‘I know, I didn’t know this would happen,’ I start. ‘I was just so embarrassed.’

  ‘Well, it was pretty embarrassing,’ he says.

  ‘Anyway, what can I do for you?’ I ask him.

  ‘Have you heard of Annabelle Bateman?’ he asks.

  ‘I haven’t…’

  ‘She’s an American woman who, after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, went on to raise loads of money for her experimental treatment and extra care that might buy her more time or even cure her. She held these big fundraisers where she would perform songs – she was a talented singer – and she gathered loads of media attention.’

  ‘OK…’ I say, confused as to why he’s telling me this. ‘You do know I’m just hungover, right? I’m fine…’

  He laughs at me. ‘Well, what happened next is,’ he continues, making himself comfortable on the sofa as he builds suspense, ‘a journalist started doing some digging into Annabelle because, she couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but for someone who was supposedly dying, Annabelle seemed so full of life, so healthy… So she started this big investigation to try and prove if Annabelle was even ill at all. It was an interesting case, so someone has made a documentary about it, and it’s available on Netflix. Do you want to order some food and watch it?’

  ‘What, watch it together?’

  ‘Yes, if you’ll have me,’ Josh says with a laugh. ‘It’s my night off, I have nothing better to do and I’ll bet you could do with the company… it will be just like old times.’

  ‘I’d love that,’ I admit. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ he says. ‘Are you feeling up to eating now?’

  ‘I am so hungry,’ I confess.

  ‘OK, well let’s order a bunch of stuff and get this documentary on,’ he says.

  ‘OK,’ I say excitedly.

  As we both look over the room service menu together and wind up choosing the exact same things to eat – bacon cheeseburgers with pineapple, sweet potato fries, and chocolate torte for dessert – it really does feel just like old times, and, do you know what? It feels really, really good.

  29

  Josh and I have been eating, drinking (soft drinks only, I feel it is important to point out), hanging out, watching true crime documentaries, and just generally being merry for nearly four hours now – four hours, and believe me, they have flown by.

  Time is a strange, strange thing. It can really drag itself out, for so long, when you don’t want it to. Other times, it can pass you by in the blink of an eye. Before Josh arrived, the time I spent in my own company today was time I felt every minute of. I felt each hour, each minute, each second as it slowly passed. Now that Josh is here, hours have rolled into a blur – whenever I look at the time, we’ve clocked another hour together. Similarly, even though it’s been nearly five years since the last time I saw Josh, it doesn’t feel like we’ve been apart for more than a few days, but while I was living those years, with each day it felt like time was taking me further and further away from him. It’s incredible really, how Josh, who was a distant memory last week, is here with me now, sitting on my bed, eating chocolate coins with me while we watch The Good Place – a welcome break from the heavy documentaries, We’re both fully up to date on the show, it is mostly just on for something in the background while we chat. Josh and I are getting on like a house on fire – I feel like we’re getting on even better than we used to, and that’s quite the achievement, because, despite the eventual difference that broke us up, we always got along so well, something which I credit to being friends for so long before we finally got together.

  We have chatted about the various jobs we have had and where we have lived since the last time we saw each other – admittedly, Josh’s stories are far more interesting than mine; he’s been all over the world, I’ve only moved around the Greater Manchester area. We have updated each other on our families – I always really liked Josh’s mum. His dad died when he was seven, so he was pretty much raised single-handedly by her. She is such a kind, caring woman, it has always been so easy to see where Josh gets all of his good qualities from. He used to tell me how his mum would always instil good, feminist values in him, help him to understand his emotions and teach him that it is OK to cry sometimes – yes, even for men.

  Josh never did tell me what happened to his dad, but it doesn’t sound like he was in the best headspace near the end. I think that is what has always given Josh his drive, whilst still keeping him so closely tethered to his mum. He told me tonight that, although he might work away from home a lot, his mum is forever flying out to where he is, or cruising on the ships he has worked on. He’s always been so close to her and it is nice to see that he still is, no matter where he is in the world.

  With everything laid out on the table, we have fully caught ourselves up on each other’s lives. Well, almost.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re going to see Simon,’ he says softly. ‘After everything he did to you…’

  ‘We don’t know what he did to me,’ I remind him. ‘I was stupid and upset and kind of a crazy girlfriend by the end of it… I was thinking all sorts of things and… Look, it doesn’t matter. I’m just going to see him, hang out, it’s no big deal, you don’t need to worry about me, OK?’

  ‘I do worry about you though,’ he says. ‘I worry about you a lot – I always have. When we broke up… I don’t know, it just never sat right with me. I got the job offer, we tried to talk about it…’

  ‘You wanted that job more than anything,’ I remind him.

  ‘Not more than you,’ he replies, his eyes fixed firmly on the screen in front of him.

  I could just let it go, get back to watching TV – I mean, its ancient history, right? Except…

  ‘Why did you go then?’ I can’t stop myself from asking.

  ‘Because you told me to,’ he replies. ‘You didn’t just tell me to, you insisted. You were so insistent, in fact, that I thought this was your way of dumping me, like you’d been looking for a reason and suddenly you had one… you laid it on so thick.’

  ‘Yes, to see if you would go,’ I admit. ‘You told me that it was your dream job, probably your only opportunity, your foot in the door… if I loved you, how could I possibly try and stand in the way of that?’

  ‘Because I loved you too,’ he says, looking at me now. ‘I don’t know if it was just easy to believe that you wanted me to go because I was young and stupid, or if I really did believe that you didn’t want to be with me any more, but I have thought about it so often since, wondering if it was the right thing to do, and don’t get me wrong, I love singing for a living, but can I honestly say I wouldn’t have had a happy – if not happier – life with you, if I’d fought for us? We could be married with kids by now.’

  ‘Josh, honestly, don’t worry about it, please,’ I say. Someone needs to shut this down. We can replay this conversation in our heads all day, but we can’t rewrite history.

  ‘I thought you were all about retreading old ground at the moment,’ Josh says. ‘Since you got that bunch of flowers – what’s that all about?’

  I’m not sure if Josh sounds curious or just a little bit jealous.

  ‘After I was on TV and the clip went viral, my social networks blew up, loads of people were sending me messages – even people I didn’t know. But then this bunch of flowers turned up on my doorstep, from someone I obviously did know, because it said something like “I love you… I should have never let you go… I want you back”.’

  ‘That certainly sounds like it was from an ex,’ Josh replies.

  ‘Well, my first thought was David, the guy who dumped me on TV, but it turns out he only sent me a text af
terwards asking to see me because he wanted a share of the prize money. He didn’t send any flowers.’

  ‘What a bastard,’ Josh says. ‘Seriously? After what he did to you? And that is absolutely not how quiz shows work. Imagine if everyone who phoned a friend on Who Wants to be a Millionaire was obliged to hand over their prize money? If you want to win money as a duo, go on Pointless.’

  It’s kind of nice, to see Josh so outranged on my behalf. He must still care about me. I still care about him too. More than I realised, in fact.

  ‘I know, right?’ I reply. ‘So, at the newspaper I worked for, one of the other girls wanted to write an article about the local girl who went viral and I just didn’t want to be around that, and I didn’t like my job anyway, so, knowing that I had my prize money to keep me going for a little while, I quit. That’s when I decided to go and stay with my mum and dad for a while. It was in their garden, while I helped them clear out the spider-infested shed, that I bumped into Kevin, my first boyfriend. We chatted and it turns out he’s married, he has a couple of kids, so I know he didn’t send the flowers. I just happened to be walking by Eli’s work afterwards and, I suppose I kind of sought him out, but I’m so glad that I did because he’s the best friend I never managed to make in my twenties. I'm so glad he’s back in my life because I can’t imagine it without him now, he’s been my rock through all of this.’

  ‘And then there’s me,’ Josh says.

  ‘Then there’s you,’ I reply. ‘I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve just kind of invaded your work. My mum and dad mentioned the cruise and I had some time off, Eli encouraged me to take the trip, maybe have a little catch-up with you and Simon but… I don’t know…’

  ‘You don’t have to apologise,’ Josh insists. ‘I’m really, really glad you turned up. it was a lovely surprise.’

  ‘So you didn’t send the flowers then?’ I say.

  I’m aware that was a really nice thing he just said to me, and I’m just focused on those bloody flowers, but until I can definitely rule him out…

  ‘No, I didn’t send them,’ he says. ‘If I were trying to win you back, it wouldn’t be a bunch of flowers left on your doorstep.’

  ‘Oh, what would you use to win me back?’ I ask.

  ‘Cheese burgers, true crime documentaries, the risk of a stomach bug – although that does seem minimal, when I remember how much you drank last night.’

  ‘Was I awful last night?’ I ask, bracing myself for the answer.

  ‘You were just drunk,’ he tells me with a smile.

  ‘Did I say anything?’ I ask curiously.

  ‘You told Amanda that you didn’t like her shoes,’ he says. ‘And then you took me to one side and told me that Eli was your favourite ex.’

  I laugh.

  ‘I suppose he is,’ I admit. ‘He’s definitely the one that has worked out best for me.’

  ‘You told me that Eli was your favourite ex, and that I was the love of your life… and then you drank my drink, and you asked the DJ if he had the “Time Warp”.’

  ‘Oh, God, no, I don’t want to hear any more, sorry that’s… I was just drunk, I didn’t know what I was saying,’ I babble quickly.

  ‘None of it was true then?’ he asks.

  ‘Well, Eli probably is my favourite ex, and I’ve loved dancing to the “Time Warp”, even at school discos, before I had even seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I suppose is kind of weird but…’

  Was Josh the love of my life? I’d never given it much thought until right now, but, sitting on this bed with him, staring into those eyes I never could quite resist, it doesn’t just sound right, it feels right.

  This time it is me who leans in to kiss Josh, and this time he doesn’t panic and push me away. Completely different to our previous kiss, and any kiss I’ve had over the past five years for that matter, this one is kind of frantic and wild. It’s like five years of something has built up and this is the only way to ease the tension.

  I break from kissing him only to close the lid on Eli’s laptop. I love Ted Danson as much as the next girl, but he doesn’t need to see this. As soon as the lid smacks shut, our lips are drawn together again. As we start tugging at each other’s clothes, a voice in my head tells me to stop and think about what we’re doing.

  ‘Wait, wait, wait, wait,’ I say, my voice muffled by Josh’s lips. ‘This is too fast, right?’

  ‘You’re right,’ Josh agrees as he tries to pull himself together. ‘Yes, too fast, that’s exactly what I was thinking.’

  We pause for a few seconds, but as our eyes meet again, all I can think about is kissing him.

  ‘Maybe… just slow, gentle kissing?’ I suggest.

  ‘Yeah, great idea,’ Josh says eagerly.

  The slow and sensual kissing lasts for around thirty seconds before the pace picks up again. There’s no time to stop and think, this just feels right. Being away from my ‘usual life’ makes me feel like I can take a step back from ‘usual me’ too. I would never usually do anything like this, but I’m here, and this is Josh, my Josh, and, maybe I have cabin fever, and we’re in international waters, right? Admittedly I don’t even know what that means, I just know that, right now, all I want is Josh. We can deal with the fallout in the morning.

  30

  I will never take waking up without a hangover for granted again, I promise you. Every day that I wake up, not feeling like I felt yesterday morning, will be the greatest day of my life, because I won’t feel that rough, have that headache, be that repulsed by food; I won’t throw up in a pool full of poor pensioners who just want to enjoy their retirement in clean, five-star water.

  Today I’m waking up with a different problem entirely… Josh, in my bed, fast asleep.

  Well, is it a problem? I had an amazing night with him last night. Just like old times, but way, way better. I feel like we’re both older and wiser and able to act on feelings without it being some big drama.

  By some strange miracle, I have woken up an hour before my alarm is set to go off, when it will be time to get ready to pack up and get off the ship in New York. This means that I am awake and Josh isn’t. He’s peacefully snoozing without a care in the world. I am awake and overthinking everything. I am a weird combination of elated, because it really was such a good night together, and terrified of what happens when he wakes up, and then what happens after that? These are uncharted waters for me, in more ways that the obvious one.

  I’m sure Eli will be here to pack his bag soon and I do not want him to catch us like this. I’m not even sure how I would explain it.

  ‘Josh,’ I whisper as I lightly shake his shoulder to try and wake him up. ‘Josh…’

  I raise my voice a little, shaking him with a little more force.

  ‘Josh,’ I persist.

  For some reason the thought of waking him up – him opening his eyes to find me peering down over him, trying to get him to leave before Eli gets here (it really is only to save us both a lot of embarrassing questions), makes me feel so uncomfortable. I need a plan B.

  My first, albeit completely unnecessary step, is to slink out of bed and into the bathroom, where I brush my teeth, my hair, and apply enough make-up to not seem like I’m wearing any, but enough to make me look less like I just got out of bed.

  I sneak back to the bedroom, carefully climb into bed and, like the absolute coward that I am, I set myself a phone alarm to go off in one minute’s time – the soonest it will allow. Then I lie down and close my eyes, just waiting for my alarm to go off and ‘wake’ us both at the same time, in a completely normal, natural, not at all awkward way.

  This one single minute drags longer than any of the hours I spent in here alone yesterday. I worry it must have passed already, and feel tempted to check and make sure that I actually did it right, but I resist for what feels like another thirty seconds before the alarm finally goes off.

  I hear and feel Josh stirring next to me.

  ‘Good morning,’ he says sleepily.

&n
bsp; ‘Morning,’ I reply, rolling over to face him.

  ‘This sounds clichéd but… you look beautiful,’ he says. ‘How do you wake up looking like that?’

  ‘Moisturiser,’ I say casually. ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m good,’ he says. ‘Great, in fact. You?’

  ‘I’m great too,’ I tell him.

  Ergh, why am I being so weird? It’s like the harder I try to sound normal and casual, the less it actually happens.

  Josh leans forwards and kisses me. It’s not at all like the kissing from last night, it’s soft and sweet. I did wonder if last night was just old feelings with an old flame firing us both up, but whatever it was, it’s still here, only much softer now. It’s like a more manageable passion, if such a thing exists.

  ‘So, we’ll be in New York soon,’ I tell him.

  ‘We probably already are,’ he replies.

  ‘I need to pack up my things, and Eli will be here to pack his, if you want to put some pants on – not that you wouldn’t make his day.’

  Josh laughs. ‘It’s OK, I’ll leave you to it,’ he says. ‘So, what’s the plan?’

  I sit up in bed.

  ‘Well… pack my bags, assemble my travel companions, try and navigate New York with them, which should be fun. My dad took me to London once when I was a teenager, he put us on the wrong tube and took us so far in the wrong direction we had to pay £40 for a taxi to take us back, so I’ll be taking a proactive role in the navigating, that’s for sure. I have plans tonight, but, after that, it’s going to be non-stop tourist locations, there are so many places I want to go.’

  ‘Plans tonight,’ Josh repeats back to me. ‘Plans with Simon?’

  ‘Yeah, well… I told you that. We’re going to catch up.’

  ‘I suppose I didn’t think you would go now,’ he replies.

  ‘Because we slept together?’ I ask.

  ‘Well… yes,’ he replies. ‘Did you feel it last night?’

  I raise my eyebrows.