Qualityland

by Marc-Uwe Kling

  All the viewers at home see text in an extremely small font rush across the bottom of their screens. If one of them were to go to the effort of pressing the pause button, they would be able to read: “All the offers made in this program are for show and entertainment purposes and not legally binding.”

  “The company to be absorbed is so big that it can’t really be described as a start-up anymore,” says Juliet. “That’s right, I’m talking about QualityPartner!”

  A gasp of surprise goes through the rows in the audience. The public auction was Patricia Team-Leader’s idea: she wants to drive the price even higher.

  “As it was recently revealed,” says Juliet, “Everybody has made a takeover offer around the mid-three-figure-billion mark for QualityPartner. The What I Need offer is probably in the same ballpark.”

  “That’s correct,” says Zeppola.

  “The offer from TheShop, on the other hand, is alleged to be significantly lower,” says Juliet.

  “We are absolutely prepared to increase our offer…” begins Charles.

  The presenter ignores him. “But tell us, Patricia: isn’t that rather a lot of money for a site that is crudely referred to on the street as Fuckfinder? Which purely and simply couples people with identical profiles?”

  “Well, it’s far from being simple,” says the QualityPartner CEO. “For example, my partner and I have differing sexual preferences. I like muscular black men and he likes voluptuous redheads. I like being on top, he likes being underneath. Do you see what I’m getting at? The profiles don’t need to be identical, but complementary. In fact, I could tell a number of amusing anecdotes from our early days, when due to some error in reasoning made by the programming team, customers with identical rather than complementary sexual preferences were linked up.”

  “Go on, tell us,” says Juliet.

  “Well, for example, there was the couple from QualityCity, who almost whipped each other to death without either of them ever submitting.”

  The audience laughs.

  “I also remember two bondage fans from Progress. They both tied each other to the bed, only to realize that they couldn’t touch each other, let alone undo the handcuffs again.”

  The people laugh. Juliet takes a sip of her organic soda drink and says: “Mmm. So delicious.”

  Erik Dentist, a man whom Hans Asperger would have delighted in studying, is famed for never lying. He takes a sip of the organic soda in front of him and says: “Urgh. Disgusting.” The PR department at Everybody always goes into a panic when their boss decides to make a public appearance.

  “Haha.” Juliet attempts to cover up the situation with an artificial laugh. She turns to Erik, who is staring shamelessly at her breasts. “Erik…”

  “No one told me that the presenter would be naked,” says the Everybody boss. “What do I pay a team of sixteen PR advisers for if none of them tell me that the presenter will be naked?”

  “But it’s my trademark,” says Juliet. “Why do you think the viewers switch on? Because of the content? I always do it like this.”

  “But I don’t know you,” says Erik.

  “Instead of PR advisers you should use our personal digital assistant,” says Zeppola. “Then this wouldn’t have happened.”

  The conversation is going a little differently from how Juliet had imagined.

  “Why are you so keen on QualityPartner?” she asks Eric, trying to get back to the subject. “If you want a date so badly, you could get one more cheaply. After all, the service is free.”

  “It’s not about dates, it’s about data,” says the Everybody boss. “You see, we know a great deal about our users. But QualityPartner knows more. Where else but during the search for a partner are people prepared to answer questions like: do you regularly take drugs? If yes, which ones? Do you want to have a partner who also takes drugs? Have you ever had a threesome? Do you have abnormal sexual preferences? If yes, which ones? Do you like sucking toes? Do you like getting peed on? Do you think about Jennifer Aniston during sex?”

  “I see.”

  “I’d like to offer an example,” says Eric. “Even though you have a profile with us, I could only hazard a guess that you’re an anal-sex-fixated crystal meth addict with a predilection for cheap sexdroids. But QualityPartner would be sure of it.”

  “Excuse me?” asks Juliet, stunned.

  “That was only hypothetical, of course. And that’s precisely my problem.”

  “Not for long,” says Patricia with a smile.

  “We have a little something to add to that, too,” says the press spokesman of TheShop. He turns directly to the camera. “We currently have some wonderfully inexpensive sexdroids on offer—”

  “I can name thirty-two shops whose offers are more reasonably priced,” says Zeppola.

  All of a sudden, someone breaks through the door of the studio and cries: “Juliet, I love you!” This is a fairly regular occurrence and by no means an unwelcome one. Crazy stalkers are always good for clicks. For the crazy stalker to be a sexdroid, however, that’s a new one.

  “Do you remember me?” he asks.

  “Romeo?”

  “Juliet!”

  Juliet goes red. She looks over at her identity manager hesitantly. He is grinning ear to ear and giving the thumbs-up. In a matter of seconds, the show goes viral. Romeo fights his way through the not-particularly-welcoming audience up to Juliet. He kneels down in front of her.

  “What are you doing?” she whispers. “Have you lost your mind? This is dangerous for you!”

  “Dangerous? Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye than twenty of their swords. Look thou but sweet, and I am proof against their enmity,” says Romeo.

  Juliet Nun doesn’t know what to do.

  Patricia Team-Leader smiles and acts as though she understands what’s going on, which isn’t the case.

  Erik Dentist looks visibly uncomfortable. He stares fixedly at his shoes.

  “We have some very similar sexdroids on offer,” says Charles Designer. “At super low prices.”

  “I wasn’t cheap,” says Romeo.

  “That’s true,” confirms Juliet.

  Romeo turns toward his beloved; “Grant me just one wish.”

  “What?” asks Juliet. She glances fleetingly over at her identity manager again. He looks over the moon. A love-stricken sexdroid. It doesn’t get better than this.

  “When you left me in the morning, when the lark sang, my life was over,” says Romeo. “How could I ever have served another woman after you? It was impossible! I refused. Eventually it got to the point where my owner ordered me to have myself scrapped. But I found a friend who saved me from destruction.”

  He takes Juliet’s hand tenderly and sighs.

  “This friend, who I literally have to thank for my life, would like the opportunity to sit here with you on the stage and chit-chat insightfully. Can he do that?”

  “Erm…” says Juliet. She looks over at her identity manager, who shrugs. “Er… Okay then.”

  A young man steps onto the stage, pulls a self-constructing telescope stool out of his bag, activates it, and sits down.

  “Good evening. My name is Peter Jobless,” he says. “And I’ve come to make a complaint.”

  “You want to complain to me?” asks Juliet.

  “No,” says Peter. “To your guests.”

  Would you like to take a brief moment for a QualityAlliance campaign commercial?

  Ten Facts About John Of Us

  1. Did you know that John of Us is a vegan and wants to ban the consumption of meat?

  2. Did you know that John of Us is a pedophile who wants to legalize child prostitution?

  3. Did you know that John of Us wants to give all human beings health insurance?

  4. Did you know that John of Us wants to reduce the private ownership of heavily armed battle tanks with rotating gun turrets?

  5. Did you know that John of Us wants to ban heterosexual marriage?

  6. Did you know
that John of Us wants to replace all elementary school teachers with lizard people?

  7. Did you know that John of Us wants to introduce a tax on beer?

  8. Did you know that John of Us wants to replace home-schooling with homo-schooling? He has already announced his plans to homogenize the national curriculum! The end goal is nothing other than turning all our children gay! He wants to ensure the extinction of the human race so that the machines can seize power.

  9. Did you know that John of Us wants to appoint a toaster as defense minister?

  10. Did you know that John of Us wants to abolish the police force? Instead, he wants to hand over the monopoly of the legitimate use of physical force from the state to gangs of foreigners in order to finance his leftist-green homo-schooling programs.

  These are the shocking but indisputable facts! It’s so sad. There are many websites, as well as upstanding members of society—sources that Conrad Cook trusts—who can prove this to be true! Anyone who says anything else is in cahoots with the conspirators. Anyone who tells you anything else is your enemy! Remember that on election day! Vote for Conrad Cook! Conrad Cook brings the Quality back to QualityLand.

  THE COMPLAINT

  “Mr. Jobless,” says Juliet Nun, trying to win back control of her show. “You claim that your profile is false. But how can that be?”

  “Machines don’t make mistakes,” says Zeppola.

  “Your algorithms,” begins Peter, “present us with content based upon our interests.”

  “Yes,” says the press spokesman of TheShop. “It’s really wonderful.”

  “But what if these supposed interests aren’t my interests at all?”

  “Of course they’re your interests,” says Charles. “Your interests were established according to the content you’ve previously accessed.”

  “Previously accessed content that I only accessed because it was suggested to me as being appropriate for my supposed interests.”

  “Yes, but these interests are established according to the content you’ve previously accessed,” says Charles.

  “Content which I’ve only accessed because…” Peter breaks off. “You’re robbing me of the chance to change, because my past dictates what’s available to me in the future!”

  “No one’s telling you what to do,” says Patricia.

  “I’m Level 9,” says Peter.

  “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “A Useless…” says Charles.

  “Exactly! A Useless who is only being offered the path of a Useless. My options are like a hand fan—with every one of my clicks it closes up more and more until I can only go in one direction. You are robbing my personality of all its rough edges! Removing the detours from my life’s path!”

  “Well, you’ve learned this script nicely off by heart,” says Erik Dentist.

  “Eighty-one point ninety-two percent of our users don’t like making big decisions,” Zeppola’s voice pipes up.

  “But the fact that someone doesn’t like doing something,” cries Peter, “doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t do it! Your algorithms create a bubble around every one of us, and you pump more and more of the same stuff into the bubble. Do you really not see any problem in that?”

  “Not if everyone gets what they want,” says Patricia.

  “But perhaps I’d like something else instead.”

  “Nobody is forcing you to use our offers or keep to our suggestions,” says Erik.

  Peter can’t help but smile. “Nobody,” he murmurs. “Exactly. Nobody is forcing me. Isn’t that so, Zeppola? Nobody is forcing me.”

  Zeppola doesn’t answer. And Nobody remains silent.

  Peter stands up, and suddenly it’s no longer Kiki’s plan that he’s here. It’s no longer the old man’s thoughts he’s voicing. It’s his plan. His thoughts.

  “Since the beginning of time,” he says, “humans have learned solely by coming into contact with other opinions, other ideas, other world views.”

  “What are you getting at?” asks Juliet.

  “You can only learn something when you stumble across something you don’t yet know. That should be obvious! And now you say that there’s no problem with people only being bombarded with their own opinions?” Peter turns toward the studio audience. “Everything that each of us hears is only an echo of what we’ve put out into the world.”

  “People have always preferred media sources that mirror their own opinion,” says Erik, “even before the internet came along.”

  “Yes, but back then people still knew that the world was being presented to them through a specific viewpoint. But you feign objectivity where there is none!”

  “Our models are objective,” says Zeppola. “No human beings are involved in our calculations.”

  “Pah!” says Peter. “Models are just opinions disguised as mathematics!”

  “I still don’t understand your problem,” says Patricia. “We’re not doing anything wrong here. We’re connecting the body conscious with the body conscious, the religious with the religious, workaholics with workaholics…”

  “And racists with racists!” cries Peter.

  “And so what? Racists need love too! Maybe racists need love more than anyone.”

  “Wow. That’s so heartwarming. We’re so lucky your companies exist. Just imagine the world without them—how ever would racists befriend and network with one another?”

  “Everyone needs friends,” says Patricia.

  “And your algorithms make sure that these racists’ views are never called into question! On the contrary, they’re constantly reconfirmed. By news filters being tailored to racist interests, for example.”

  “We’re not a media company,” Erik interjects. “You can’t hold us responsible for the news!”

  “Through recommendations of nationalist music or films,” Peter continues. “Even product suggestions! Customers who have bought this baseball bat also bought this fire accelerant! Your personalization algorithms brainwash everyone with an unhealthy dose of their own opinion!”

  “That’s your opinion,” says Patricia.

  “And what’s more, the inhabitants of these opinion islands mistakenly believe that their opinion is the opinion of the majority, because everyone they know thinks like that! So that makes it okay to write hate posts, because everyone they know is writing hate posts. And it’s okay to beat up foreigners, because everyone they know talks about wanting to beat up foreigners.”

  Patricia Team-Leader laughs. “But this is all very hypothetical.”

  “Hypothetical?” retorts Peter. “I’m guessing your filter bubble only contains unicorns, rainbows, and cat photos!”

  “What do you have against cat photos?” asks Patricia, peeved. Part of the audience also seems indignant.

  “What do you want?” asks Erik. “Do you have any idea of what would happen if we turn off the algorithms? It would result in total chaos. There’s so much content. No human being is capable of sifting through all that volume.”

  “I’m not asking you to turn everything off,” says Peter. “But you should give us control options! I want to steer the algorithms, I don’t want the algorithms to steer me! I want to be able to view my profile, and I want to be able to correct it. I want to be able to understand what’s suggested to me and why and what’s being withheld and why.”

  “That’s impossible,” says Zeppola. “The configuration of our algorithms is a trade secret.”

  “Of course, how convenient.”

  “Our products…” begins Erik.

  “Me!” cries Peter in agitation. “I’m your product!”

  “You’re our customer,” says Eric.

  “No,” says Peter. “Your customers are the companies, the insurance providers, the political parties, the lobby groups you hawk my attention and data to. I’m not your customer. I’m just the product you sell in order to make money! It would only be half as bad if I really was your customer. It’s high time you admit that your hunt for ever-in
creasing advertising income has poisoned the entire internet! Your kind of free has cost all of us dearly!”

  “I’m sure,” says Patricia, “that most people are happy to use our services free of charge…”

  “I want to be able to delete my profile if I want to!” Peter interjects. “It’s my life. My data! You have no right to it.”

  “That’s not actually true,” says Zeppola. “Act 65536—approved in parliament with an absolute majority—does indeed give us the right to your data. After all, we collected it. Not you.”

  “But this is all nonsense,” cries Charles Designer. “The guy hasn’t even given any proof that his profile really is incorrect!”

  Peter pulls a pink dolphin vibrator out of his rucksack and slams it down on the table. “Here. There you go. TheShop’s algorithms are of the opinion that this product matches my profile. But what in God’s name am I supposed to do with this thing?”

  “Well, I could imagine a few uses for it,” says the naked presenter, earning herself enthusiastic wolf whistles from the audience. She finally feels back on top.

  “You should register with QualityPartner,” says Patricia to Peter. “I’m sure we can find somebody who could make you familiar with how to use this gadget.”

  Erik Dentist is visibly uncomfortable with the new topic of conversation. He has managed to release the brake pads from his chair, and is now trying to roll backward away from the stage as inconspicuously as possible.

  “Should I tell you the reason why you’re not interested in the problems you’re causing?” cries Peter. “Because you’re not affected by them! It’s the poor and the marginalized groups who are on the losing side of the algorithmic barrier. The Useless! People who don’t even exist in the filter bubbles of the 90s Club!”

  All of a sudden, something strange happens. The audience applauds. Hesitantly at first, then more loudly. Peter is overwhelmed by feelings he has never had before. He feels kind of… good.

  This is the moment in which even Charles Designer, press spokesman of TheShop—“The world’s most popular online retailer”—finally admits that he isn’t really happy with the way this program is going.