Bizarre Fables About Stupid Choices

by E. Reltso

CHAPTER SIX

  THE PRIDEMETER AND WHAT IT TOLD

  There once was a man who invented a ‘pridemeter’ that would instantly tell how proud people were on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being so full of pride and arrogance that the person couldn’t fit their head through the door, and 1 being so utterly humble and lacking in pride that the person must be ill). The man’s hope was that he could charge businesses to use his machine in hiring, so that the least vain and proud persons would be chosen for the job. He also hoped to use it in political elections, to help spare the country from leaders whose egos were bigger than their brains.

  The man invented the machine as part of his dissertation to receive a PhD. His faculty advisors and other professors were utterly fascinated by his invention—until he tested them with it. Each one of them nearly broke the machine as the needle tried vainly to go above 10. They promptly kicked the man out of the PhD program and spent the next 10 years publishing articles about why they thought he was an idiot, and stating that the machine could not be trusted.

  Undaunted by this setback, the man took his machine to the state legislature and showed it to the representatives, to see if they would be interested in using it for hiring employees, and for elections. Once again they showed keen interest—until he started testing the representatives with the machine. As before, the majority of them nearly broke the machine, although surprisingly there was a small handful who ranked quite low (around 3 or 4). No one who was tested yielded a number in between these extremes. They were all either egotists in office, or were within the small group of sincere public servants. Interestingly the test results found no meaningful difference between the two political parties. Because the majority of politicians did not fare well at the hands of the machine, the man was promptly kicked off Capital hill.

  However, that night, very late, there was a soft knock on the man’s door. When he opened it he was surprised to see the leaders of one of the political parties—some of the same people who had kicked him out of the capital earlier. They entered and apologized for their earlier behavior, saying it was only because of the other political party that it had happened. They then sought to enlist his aid in the upcoming election to show how the candidates for the other party were unfit for office. However, when the man asked about using the machine to test their own candidates, the group grew strangely silent. The man thanked them for coming, said he would think about it, and they left.

  A short while later there was another soft knock on the door. When the man opened it, he was surprised to see the leaders of the opposite political party. They entered and apologized for their earlier behavior, saying it was only because of the other political party that it had happened. They also sought use of the machine in the upcoming election to show how unfit the other party’s candidates were, but also grew strangely silent when the man asked about using the machine to test their own candidates. After they left, the man decided it was his duty as a public minded citizen to be fair to both parties, and not allow either to use his machine. While he had originally hoped the machine could be used in elections, he now saw that politics made this impossible.

  After this, the man decided he would try to offer his machine to a different group who would hopefully make better use of it. He decided to approach the leaders and clergy of various churches, who could use the machine as a tool to help their membership grow in humility. Surely such persons would not be caught in the trap of the educators and politicians he had tested so far!

  As before, most of these leaders were initially fascinated with the machine—until they were tested themselves. Then most of them denounced it as a tool of the devil, since in almost every case it showed their own pride level at 9 or 10. Only a very few did better, usually scoring around 3 or 4. Once again, there were no scores in between. The man was shocked and amazed, and abandoned his attempt to approach religious leaders for its use. Meanwhile, the clergy who had not scored well began to denounce him and his machine in their sermons, and it wasn’t long before the man could hardly walk down the street without being hissed at or spit on or sworn at.

  He decided to turn next to business leaders, to see if they would be interested in using his machine for hiring. He soon found that he had quite a challenge even scheduling an appointment with many of these leaders, since most had heard sermons against his machine, or had heard of how it was being denounced by his former professors or by legislators on Capital hill. But with persistence, the man was finally able to meet with quite a few business leaders.

  The result was not very different from what he had experienced so far. The leaders were initially interested, but when their own pride level was checked, they lost all interest and denounced him as an idiot. There were a few, however, to the man’s great surprise, who had only a mid level pride score (4 or 5). However, these were mostly in mid level management, and were few and far between even there. Most of these apologetically told him their bosses and fellow leaders would never allow use of the machine in their business, and showed him to the door.

  By now the man was very discouraged. He didn’t know who else to approach. It seemed that most people in leadership—whether in business, religion, politics or higher education—did not score very well on the machine, and therefore hated it. Realizing this however gave him a new idea. Perhaps it was only leaders that had this trouble. What about the common man? He quickly resolved to approach common men to see if his fortunes would be better. He rented space in a local mall and offered testing on his machine for a reasonable fee to all comers.

  The results were not at all what he had expected. He quickly found that his biggest clientele were married couples or engaged couples, where one spouse wanted to test the other, but either refused or was very reluctant to be tested themselves. The test results almost always sparked an argument and breakup, since the scores were usually higher than expected. The case was especially severe when the person wanting the testing for their spouse/significant other finally relented to be tested as well—in which case they were invariably found to have more pride than their partner! During the time the man was doing his mall testing, the local divorce rate doubled, and local jewellers nearly went broke because of the numerous engagements that were broken off.

  After carefully thinking about his approach, the man came to the realization that he was going about things in the wrong way. Anyone who was NOT proud would have no interest in being tested, since he had nothing to prove. It was almost always the other group—the proud ones who were convinced they were not proud—that would pay to be tested at the mall, to show everyone they were humble. Naturally, this always ended up in disaster. Hence, voluntary mall testing was no good at all. As soon as the man closed down his business and left the mall, local jewellers immediately held a celebration, but divorce attorneys went into mourning.

  By now the man had become greatly discouraged. His machine had caused nothing but trouble, and he was penniless and universally despised. Although he was tempted to just junk the machine and take a job at the local car wash, he realized that he had a duty to mankind to make use of the machine if possible for the benefit of all, even if it ruined him. He therefore determined to make his own independent studies with the machine and then write a book about his findings (he knew that if he gave the book a sensuous title and quasi-pornographic cover art, it would sell well regardless of its contents)

  And so he set about to conduct his study of people with the machine. One of the few business leaders who had not tested high on his machine agreed to provide him some funding, which was a great help. The man then decided to compare and contrast pride levels in a variety of different circumstances and between different groups of people. The first group he decided to test were different professions, since he had already gathered data on business leaders, politicians, etc., so this study was already partly done.

  He first took testings on randomly selected attorneys. As expected, the needle in each case strai
ned to go past 10 (after 15 attorneys, he decided not to test anymore, since it looked like they might break his machine).

  He then selected a random sample of doctors and dentists, thinking that surely they would do much better. While they did score slightly better than the attorneys (at least they didn’t threaten to break his machine), the majority of them still came in with 9s and 10s! As before with the legislators and clergy, a small minority of them scored a 3 or 4, but there were almost no scores in between. After careful reflection, the man decided the high scores of the majority must be because many doctors and dentists saw themselves as dispensers of medical wisdom, which naturally made them superior to all those who came to them. (Interestingly, several of the doctors who he tested diagnosed him as mentally incompetent)

  Although he had a good idea what the results would be, the man also tested entertainers, such as actors, singers and sports figures. He was not disappointed in his findings. Although there were a few rare exceptions, most of them came close to breaking the machine at 10+.

  He then decided on a radical change, and next tested low-wage factory workers. Surely this would be a more humble group, since such workers didn’t have a lot of education or status or power like the others he had tested so far. However, the results were surprising. The scores were hardly less than other groups, and still ranged from 7 to 10! The man was mystified. How could this be?

  Upon looking closely at the lives of his subjects, the man thought he began to understand. He noticed that the factory workers enjoyed pretending they were smarter, or better somehow than their fellow workers. They tried to outdo each other and show they were the best worker. They also tried to dress better, or indebt themselves for a fancier car or more impressive electronics to show that they were better off than their fellow workers. They also tended to think they were undervalued and could solve world problems, or fix their company’s woes, or generally perform better at any task than anyone else. In a word, they were proud too.

  Fascinated with this discovery, the man then tested other working classes to see if the results would be the same. They were. Whether he was testing bowling alley staff, plumbers, ditch diggers, or nuclear physicists, the results were close to the same. Pride levels were still very high in all professions, with a few notable exceptions.

  The same held true for professions the man had thought would rate lower in pride. Public school teachers for example ranked just as high as other professions. In spite of their low salaries and service orientation which the man thought would make their scores better, it turned out that the majority still saw themselves as being wiser than just about all others in the community—especially the stupid parents they had to deal with all the time. Likewise, monks and missionaries and others in unpaid religious service also scored no better when they were tested. While they gave wonderful service, they apparently considered themselves closer to the keys of salvation, and therefore superior to others.

  Of course, in all this testing, there were a number of exceptions. All of the professions had them—people who would score 3 or 4, and who were sincere and not egotistical. The man even found a very few higher education professors (outside of his old school, of course) who had learned enough to know that they actually knew very little about anything. There were also laborers, office workers, school teachers, monks and missionaries and professionals in all fields who scored well on the pridemeter, and had a much more realistic view of their place in the world than most others. But such individuals were the exception and not the rule, and the man did not find that there were any more of them in any particular profession. Indeed, the only profession the machine showed consistently scoring a bit less in pride than all the others were those involved in animal rescue. This was no doubt because they spent most of their time with creatures not consumed with pride.

  Having completed his review of the world of work, the man went on to research to see if there any differences in pride across other groups in society. First he looked at men versus women. While his prediction that women would generally score lower in pride than men proved true, the spread was not as great as expected. The spread was only about ½ a point. In examining the result further, the man found that the high score for women reflected a different source of pride. Women were more frequently involved in gossip, subtle comparisons between themselves regarding social status, and excessive zeal about the superiority of their children, as compared to men who just liked to brag and show off. The inventor also found that women tended to react more violently than men when they received bad scores on the machine. He was hit over the head with heavy purses many times, screamed at, threatened and hounded. However, he took it all in stride and went limping along his way.

  The man next tested racial groups. He realized of course that this was very risky to do. Once it became known what he was doing, he received a lot of publicity and a number of death threats, as well as a large volume of hate mail. To his surprise, he also received what can only be described as ‘praise’ mail, which praised him for proving the inferiority of certain races (even though he had not proved anything yet). Interestingly, both the hate and praise mail came from all racial groups, including both majority and minority racial groups. In the end, all of the publicity and excitement fizzled since his extensive testing failed to show any differences at all in pride levels across racial groups. Almost all persons he tested scored in the 8 to 10 range regardless of their race, and of course all of them became very angry when they discovered their score.

  The man next tested age groups. It was here that he made his first major breakthrough. To his amazement, he found that young children scored significantly less on the machine than any other group he had tested. The younger they were, the better they would score. Indeed, he found no children under the age of 8 who scored higher than 5 on the pridemeter. While children would brag and put each other down as much as adults (copying their parents, of course), their motives for doing so were not based on pride to nearly the same degree as adults. Although many children liked to strut around and act superior, as a group they were much more aware of their limitations, and knew that they didn’t have the answers to the world’s problems.

  Interestingly, the man achieved an opposite result when he tested those over age 65. Most of the elderly tended to score 10s or near 10s on the machine, with a few rare exceptions. Our hero could only conclude that as people get older (and more crotchety) and more set in their ways, they become more and more convinced that their experience makes them right in just about everything—even though they profess to be more open minded. Fortunately for our hero, this group were usually too old and feeble to attack him after testing, although he did have a few pairs of false teeth thrown at him.

  The man next tested those who were mentally disturbed, as contrasted with those with supposedly good mental health. To his surprise, he didn’t find any difference in pride between insane people and those who were said to be ‘normal.’ For example, one man who firmly believed he was Napoleon tested at 9, the same as most of his ‘normal’ contemporaries.

  When it came to physical disabilities however, the man made his second major discovery. As a group, those with physical disabilities tended to score much lower in pride than their healthy counterparts. Generally the more severe the handicap, the lower (and therefore better) the pride score. To be sure, there were a few exceptions of disabled persons as proud as their contemporaries. But as a general group, they scored less.

  It was at this point that the man made a major discovery. He found the only group of people who almost all tested near zero in pride. These were the terminally ill who only had a few days to live.

  By this time the man and his machine had achieved a certain amount of fame. Although he was universally hated by almost everyone (except small children and the physically handicapped, of course), his testing was widely reported in the news media. (This was mainly because he made a deal with the media to never test ne
wscasters).

  The man also tested different income groups, fully expecting to find more pride among the wealthy, and less pride among the poor. While he did find a very slight decrease in pride among the poor (by about ½ a point), he was surprised that there was not a greater difference. Indeed, a few of his richest subjects scored only a 6 or 7 in pride, while he found an amazing number on welfare or in slums who scored 9 or 10. Their pride had a different focus than that of the wealthy, of course. Instead of displaying pride in their riches, homes, cars, etc., the pride of the poor was focused on their supposed independence and uniqueness of character. They usually saw themselves as the victims of circumstance whose talents far exceeded their lot in life, and who could fix the problems of the world if given the chance. The man was surprised at how consistent the thinking of these ‘independent thinkers’ was. While they all believed they were unique, and that they alone saw the world properly, their thinking on most subjects was pretty much the same, and was full of pride. In a word, they thought they were right most of the time, while everyone else was wrong.

  Another surprise was the discovery that persons who were depressed (other than chemical depression) scored just as high in pride as everyone else! They usually scored between 8 and 10. By fine tuning the dials on the pridemeter, the man was able to pinpoint the reason for this strange phenomenon. Those consumed with pride tend to be focused just on themselves, assuming more significance and importance for themselves than is proper. The depressed fit this description as much as the vain, although their focus is on the negative about themselves rather than the positive. It is still an obsession with self, and is therefore a form of pride.

  Next, the man adjusted the pridemeter to test for specific events or things people would do that might increase or decrease their pride. The man quickly found that there were a number of businesses built on increasing pride and fostering it. For example, high class restaurants and hotels, nightclubs, fur stores, beauty parlors, jewellers, and most sporting events tended to create higher readings on the pridemeter. He was particularly fascinated with how competitive team sports created increased levels of pride not only among team members, but with vast numbers of spectators as well. (However, the man tried to be discreet in his sports testing, especially when he tested football team members who were twice his size and weight. He told them he was testing their muscle strength, and the higher the number the better. Most scored a 10).

  But this was not all. Certain other events surprisingly created higher pride readings as well. For example, high school reunions, business meetings at which individual production levels were discussed, and even church attendance (among all but the truly devout and sincere) tended to create more pride. The surprising church attendance readings led the man to do more testing on the link between clothing and pride. Not surprisingly, he found a very strong correlation.

  By now the man was receiving an average of 50 death threats a day, as well as numerous lesser threats. Only those who scored relatively low on the machine had any respect for him. The proud, on the other hand, hated their scores, and therefore hated him and his machine. Unfortunately for him, this constituted most of the population.

  After all his testing of pride levels, the man was often asked what difference it made anyway, and why a little pride was such a bad thing. After all, the machine seemed to test something that many thought was pointless. His response, based on his testing, was always the same. He had found that the proud are unwilling to recognize weakness in themselves, and to change. They think they don’t need to. Their focus is on blame rather than accepting responsibility, and on the errors in the thinking of others rather than problems with their own thinking. Most of all, they were unwilling to forgive. Indeed, the man had found that the two surest indicators of high levels of pride were lack of forgiveness and anger at petty annoyances. He had found that pride tended to stagnate people, since they were unwilling to progress, change, learn and grow—all of which takes a good deal of sincere humility. Once stagnated, they could not progress or reach their potential.

  After years of testing, the man’s book was nearly finished. He was quite proud of it (something he shouldn’t have been, of course), since he felt it represented a breakthrough in social knowledge. Of course, he knew he would have a hard time finding a publisher for it, since most of them hated his guts. But he still had hopes that it would be published soon.

  But then, on the eve of completion of the book, the public made an amazing discovery. The man admitted in an interview that, although he had tested thousands of people with his machine, he had never tested himself! He claimed there was no need to do so, although deep down he knew that his real reason was fear of the result. The public uproar that followed was so tremendous that he finally agreed to a public test. With most of his enemies watching on TV, he was tested—and came in at 9 1/2! Further testing by the machine revealed that he scored so high because of vanity at being the only one who had ever been able to invent a pride machine.

  The public laughter and ridicule that followed was tremendous. Late night talk show hosts lambasted him. His former professors mocked him with a new set of articles. The press had a field day, and everywhere he went, people pointed and laughed. The man knew that he shouldn’t let it bother him, and that if he ever expected people who scored high in pride to accept the truth, he needed to set the example himself. For a time (two whole days) he grinned and bore it. But finally, it got the better of him. He couldn’t sleep at night, remembering how everyone had laughed at him. He got up, grabbed a frying pan out of the kitchen, and used it to smash the machine to bits. Then he moved to another city, shaved himself bald, and grew a mustache and beard so he wouldn’t be recognized. After that he started driving an ice cream truck for a living.

  After his disappearance, most people were only too glad to have him and his machine gone, and he was quickly forgotten. The professors who had written articles against him went back to writing articles ridiculing each other’s theories instead. Everyone who tested high in pride went back to believing that they were actually quite humble, and that most others wrongly failed to appreciate their true wisdom. Meanwhile, those who were truly humble were too nice to point out the error of their ways, or to remind them of the man and his pride testing.

  MORALS:

  1 If you’re going to invent a pride testing machine, and you value your sanity and reputation, don’t make it an honest one.

  2 If humility was wealth, and pride was poverty, the world would be a slum.

  3 Beware of bald ice cream truck drivers with beards.