Bizarre Fables About Stupid Choices

by E. Reltso

CHAPTER EIGHT

  THE PERFECT PORTAL

  Once there was an inventor who came up with what he thought was the perfect invention. It was called the 'Perfect Portal,' and had the power to instantly transform whoever walked through it into a perfect person. It was built to be walked through, like a short tunnel--and the inventor made sure to make it particularly large at the entrance to accommodate fat people. Of course, everyone who went through it would come out the other side at the perfect weight, so the far end of the tunnel was not as wide as the front part.

  The inventor decided that testing it with lab rats would be too generous of a thing to do for disgusting rats, so the first living thing he sent through it was his pet cat, Fluffy. She went waltzing through the tunnel meowing her head off, and came out the other side the same way--since, as everyone knows (except the inventor), cats are perfect creatures to start with, and cannot be improved in any way.

  The inventor next decided to try it on his mother-in-law, who had the nasty habit of always calling him a 'no-good, lazy so-and-so.' He wasn't sure he should tell her what the tunnel really was, just in case anything went wrong. So he walked around the tunnel to the far end and put a delicious looking piece of chocolate cake there, where anyone looking through the tunnel would see it. Then he called his mother-in-law, who happened to be visiting at the time, and pointed at the entrance to the tunnel. She was a rather plump lady (due to her fondness for chocolate), but as soon as she saw the cake at the far end she raced through to the other side at an amazing speed for someone of such ample girth.

  Coming around to the far end of the tunnel, the inventor was astounded to see that his invention had worked! His mother-in-law was no longer fat, and now looked dazzlingly beautiful in spite of her age. But the perfection she had gained extended to more than just her appearance. She looked at the inventor with a benign smile and said, "My boy, what a treasure my daughter has in you! I'm so glad you two got married." Then she ignored the chocolate cake (since, being perfect, she knew it was not good for her) and walked out the door in search of others she could share her perfection with.

  The inventor was ecstatic. He happily shared his discovery with his wife, who promptly balled him out for changing the personality of her 'dear, sweet mother' so much that she was nearly unrecognizable not only physically, but in respect to her personality. His wife flatly refused to walk through the tunnel herself since she feared the changes it might make in her, and told him to go share it with his lousy colleagues at the university. (However, she used different words that are best not repeated without inviting censorship)

  The inventor thought this was a great idea, so he raced over to the university. The first person he encountered there was his old rival, Dr. Blessed, who was constantly putting him down in sly ways, and showing off to everyone in self-effacing ways that made him look as if he was very humble. Dr. Blessed treated the inventor's perfect portal with disdain, then quickly disappeared into his own office to see if he could invent one just like it. The inventor was too happy to pay much heed to Dr. Blessed's rudeness, so he promptly shared his discovery with all of the other professors in the faculty lounge. They scoffed at him and called him names out of sheer jealousy, since they all secretly knew that his inventions always worked. Naturally, they refused to even go to his house to see the marvelous invention, and the poor inventor walked out of the faculty lounge with a long face.

  But down the corridor from the faculty lounge was the student lounge, and immediately upon his announcing the perfect portal to the students there, they all wanted to walk through it without delay. This was because final exams were next week and most of them hadn't studied. A long line of students followed the inventor home and one by one they all walked through the perfect portal and were instantly changed into perfect people.

  Surprisingly however, none of the students wanted to go back to the university and study for exams, since their perfect minds now had perfect recall and they all knew they would score 100% on their exams without any effort. Indeed, incredible as it was for the inventor to watch, most of them seemed to be unhappy at the transformation that had come over them. They now knew that if they went water skiing they could do it perfectly, if they tried out for the opera they could sing perfectly, if they tried to fix a car they could do it perfectly, and if they tried to walk blindfolded across a trapeze wire far above the earth, they wouldn't fall because they had perfect balance. The students all looked perfectly grumpy and sad, since they felt they had somehow been cheated out of something. Indeed, being perfect, they knew what that something was--the opportunity to create their perfection day by day through toil and effort, rather than having it handed to them on a silver platter. They politely thanked the inventor and then excused themselves to go home and sit on the edge of their beds and try to think of something to do that was worth doing--since they knew they could do everything so perfectly there was no longer any challenge in doing anything at all.

  The inventor was dumfounded at the effect his perfect portal had on the students, when to his surprise who should appear at the door of his lab but his arch rival and nemesis, Dr. Blessed. He had come to spy on the marvelous invention and see if he could copy it, since he was a bit too lazy to spend the next seven years inventing it from scratch as our inventor had done. Dr. Blessed congratulated the inventor on the fine appearance of the perfect portal, then asked if he had been through it himself. When the inventor admitted he hadn't but had seen it work on others, Dr. Blessed scoffed at him and ridiculed him for lacking faith in his own invention. Irritated at the truth of what Dr. Blessed had said, the inventor responded that he would happily go through the tunnel if Dr. Blessed went with him. Instantly fearful, but knowing he had no choice if he wanted to keep up his false sense of superiority to the inventor, Dr. Blessed agreed.

  And so, arm in arm, the two walked into the tunnel. The inventor suddenly felt very uneasy, and wondered if he had made a horrible mistake in going through it, and even inventing it in the first place. Dr. Blessed was so fearful of the changes it might cause in his personality (since he already considered himself perfect, and did not believe he could be improved in any way), that he began to suspect that the tunnel did not change people to perfection at all, but merely transformed their personalities in weird ways, leaving them deformed for life. With these horrible fears playing on both of their minds, but equally unwilling to back out because of their vanity and pride, the two men proceeded to the end of the tunnel.

  The transformation that came over each of them as they emerged from the perfect portal was overwhelming. Dr. Blessed felt instantly relieved to finally be free of the constant need to show off to prove that he was a valuable person, and thanked the inventor sincerely for what he had done. But the inventor's change to perfection had an unusual effect on him. He instantly realized that his invention was not perfect after all since it took away from people the opportunity to work towards perfection on their own, leaving them feeling empty and unable to appreciate the gift they had received. He realized that only someone who truly had done his part to earn his perfection would know how to handle it, and enjoy it. Receiving it any other way left people yearning for their old imperfections which they had never truly overcome. Such yearnings naturally meant that the supposedly perfect person was not truly perfect after all.

  The inventor was naturally disheartened at this realization, since he had hoped to spare people all the trouble of working to become perfect. But now he realized that even though imperfect people make mistakes, this is necessary for them to make meaningful progress toward perfection. In fact, he realized that without the ability to make mistakes, it would be very hard for people to learn or progress at all. And while no person could become perfect by their own efforts alone, everyone could achieve it eventually with the ongoing help of the only perfect person to have ever walked the earth--Jesus Christ--who could fill in the gaps for them and make them clean again when they made bad choices. Ch
rist would also show them what to do with their perfection once they achieved it, so they wouldn't be resentful and wonder what to do with themselves once they were perfect like the students were doing now.

  Having this perfect knowledge, the inventor realized he needed to quickly invent an 'Imperfect Restoration' machine to restore all those who had passed through the perfect portal to their prior selves. And since he was perfect, he was able to create this invention in a matter of minutes, with a few simple tweeks of the 'Perfect Portal' itself. Then he quickly searched until he had found his mother-in-law and all of the students who had walked through the tunnel, and made them walk through it again. As each emerged from the far end, they all thanked the inventor profusely for restoring them to their prior imperfect selves. Then all of the students went quickly back to the student lounge where they took up where they had left off in complaining about final exams, but without making any effort to study. Meanwhile, the inventor's mother-in-law started squawking at the top of her voice about how the inventor was a 'no good, lazy so-and-so,' and charged off to tell her daughter all about it. The inventor's wife was naturally very pleased to get her mother back, and made a big chocolate cake for the inventor as a reward. And since the inventor had also walked through the 'Imperfect Restoration' portal and been restored to his prior, imperfect self, he knew he could eat as much chocolate cake as he wanted even though doing so was contrary to his diet and would make him fat.

  But as for Dr. Blessed, he refused to walk through the device again. Having tried in vain all his life to pass himself off to everyone as a perfect know-it-all, he couldn't stand the thought of losing the joyous freedom from showing off that had come over him upon becoming perfect. He resigned his professorship at the university and went to live with a primitive tribe of pygmies in the south pacific, teaching them how to weave perfect baskets for tourists.

  MORALS:

  1 Perfection is a worthy goal, but can only be appreciated and handled by those who achieve it through a combination of their own efforts and the help of Jesus Christ, the only perfect person who ever walked the earth.

  2 If you buy a basket made in the south pacific by pygmies, you can rest assured it is perfect.

  3 You should bow down to every cat you meet, which is naturally just what they expect you to do whether you do it or not.

  If you would like to contact the author, mailto:ereltso@gmail.com.

  The Anti-Stupidity Book

  Stupidity. What is it? Is it just something we see our neighbours and members of the opposite political party do? Or is it something more? Why does it seem to be so universal? Are there fundamentals of stupidity that can be recognized?

  These are the questions discussed in this volume. It present six fundamentals of stupidity that lead to the stupid choices we see all around us. Included among these are the belief that there are no moral values, that God does not exist, and that it is acceptable to become addicted and to treat each other badly and be proud. In the end, we see that the only sure way to avoid the fundamentals of stupidity is through the saving power of Jesus Christ.