What Doesn't Kill You

by Iris Johansen

  “But the blend of all those herbs will keep a starving child alive for months?”

  “Balance, always the balance.” He stopped at the beaded curtains to look back at her. “Go to bed. You’ve worked hard today.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t want to sleep. I’m going to go and sit outside in the grass for a while.”

  His gaze searched her face. “You’re restless.”

  “Maybe. I feel as if I can’t breathe.”

  “Did what I told you, disturb you?”

  “No.” She shrugged. “I’ve known whores and pimps and thieves all my life. And I’ve run across men like Bruce Wong, who like to hurt as well as kill. Everyone I know would kill if they had to do it to survive. At least, you told me the truth.” She looked at him over her shoulder. “But I don’t know why you told me. You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met. Sometimes you make me uneasy.”

  “You’ll learn someday. And I’ll learn, too. I’m not sure why I told you, either. All I know is that there must be a reason why we came together. I believe we must explore our relationship to see what that reason could be.” He smiled. “We are both alone. Perhaps we were not meant to be alone. Maybe that is the reason. So simple.”

  “I don’t mind being alone. I don’t need anyone.”

  “Don’t you?”

  “No.” She turned and went out the front door. She took a deep, slow breath of the night air before she sank to the ground beside the front door. It was cool out here, but she needed that freshness after the closeness of the laboratory.

  Closeness. Yes, that was the word. The air was warm and close, and Hu Chang’s words had also woven another kind of closeness between them that she instinctively rejected. He was a solitary man, just as Catherine was solitary. Why think that they could comfortably accept anything else? Yet these weeks had been strangely serene, filled with learning and flashes of dry humor …

  “May I sit with you?”

  She looked up to see Hu Chang standing in the doorway. “You were going to go to sleep.”

  “I changed my mind.” He dropped down beside her and leaned back against the house. “It was more important that we clarify our situation. You were becoming upset.”

  “No, I wasn’t.” She looked up at the stars. “You were just talking nonsense. I couldn’t understand you.”

  “And I was coming too near. I had a small bit of trouble at the thought that I was going to have to accept you into my life, but I—”

  “You don’t have to accept anything,” she broke in. “I don’t need you. You don’t need me. I shouldn’t have come with you. This is no place—”

  “Please don’t interrupt. As I said, I have years of experience and maturity that allow me not to struggle against the inevitable. You do not.” He put his fingers on her lips. “And you will not make that disgusting sound again. It is true. You may be far more grown-up than other girls your age, but that experience has been confined to a narrow channel here in Hong Kong.”

  She brushed his hand away. “That’s not true.”

  “It is, you know. There’s so much world for you to explore. I wish I could be there with you to open your eyes.” He was not smiling. “That would give me great pleasure. Do you know that whenever I was in my shop in the city and saw you striding about the neighborhood, I would stop and watch you? You were so slim, almost fragile, and yet bold and graceful, and you lit up the entire street. Sometimes I would worry about you because it would be natural for anyone to want to stretch out their hands to touch you.” He chuckled. “And then I saw how you treated one of your informants who did reach out and touch you, and I didn’t worry any longer. Where did you learn karate, Catherine?”

  “Lee Kai. He was very respected and had a studio on Kowloon. I was strong, but there were so many men who were stronger. Karate seemed to be the answer. But Lee Kai taught only young boys and men until I asked him to teach me. He didn’t want to do it, but I had to have a way of protecting myself. So I found a reason to make him agree.” She added impatiently, “I offered him money. I’d saved up a little. He wouldn’t take it. He was so sure that I wouldn’t be worthy of his teaching. He was like you, Hu Chang. Arrogant.”

  “I’m certain that he didn’t remain that way when you finished with him.”

  “I was almost as good as he was by the time I stopped going to him. I would have been better if I’d stayed another five weeks, but I’d thought I’d learned enough to survive on the streets.”

  “From what I observed, I believe you’re correct. And how did you get Lee Kai to agree to teach you?”

  “I watched him for three weeks to see what he wanted more than money.”

  “And what was that?”

  “He had a young wife, Mai Sung. He had bought her from her father in the old custom when she was fifteen. She was very beautiful. But she was seventeen and hadn’t given him any children. He blamed her for it.” Her lips twisted. “Though he was in his late sixties, he wouldn’t admit there was a possibility the problem might be with him. He was a bull of a man and a great fighter. How could he be to blame? But he became very suspicious and jealous when she began to disappear for hours in the afternoons. He thought she was having sex with one of his students, Han Lo.”

  “How did you know this?”

  She shrugged. “I told you, I watched them.”

  “And put the pieces together.”

  “That’s what you have to do. Grab a little information here and there, then put it all together. I went to Lee Kai and told him that I’d follow his wife and see if he was right about her being unfaithful with Han Lo. I’d give him a report, and, in return, he’d teach me what I needed to know.”

  “And he agreed?”

  “I knew he would. He was like a slavering dog when he was around her. And she wasn’t even a whore. I guess some men feel like that about all women.”

  His lips quirked. “I guess they do.”

  “Two weeks later, I handed in my report to him. I told him that Mai Sung wasn’t going to bed with Han Lo. That she was going to the Buddhist temple to pray to conceive a child. He began to teach me karate two days later.”

  “Was it the truth?”

  “I don’t lie. It was the truth. She wasn’t going to bed with Han Lo. It was a young gardener she’d met in the park. And she started going to the Buddhist temple the day I talked to her, so that’s the truth. I told her that she had to do it or I’d tell her husband. I also told her that she should stop her lover from using birth preventatives when they met. All she needed to do to be safe was get with child and tell Lee Kai it was his. Otherwise, he’d probably end up killing her.”

  “Quite probably. A very satisfactory conclusion.”

  “Are you making fun of me? It was the best thing for everyone. Mai Sung will live to be a young, healthy widow. Lee Kai will have a child. And I got what I needed without telling a lie.”

  “I’m not making fun of you. I’m lost in admiration.”

  “No, you’re not. You can’t be interested in how I— Why don’t you go to bed?”

  “Truly. You are amazing.” He turned and looked her in the eye. “And you’re wrong, I’m interested in everything you’ve ever done or said. I regard it as important. Why else would I have risked my life?”

  She frowned, puzzled. “Risked your life?”

  “I put my life in your hands when I told you about the murder of my father and mother. I confessed to the killing of Zartak and Rudov. I gave you names and circumstances. You could do me great harm if you went to the police.”

  She had never considered that he had given her that power. She had listened to him tell of his background as if it were only a fascinating story. That was odd in itself since it was natural for her to weigh every spoken word for value. “Why did you do that? It was stupid of you.”

  “Sometimes one takes chances if the stakes are high enough. And for some mysterious reason, I trusted you. You were asking me questions. I answered them.”

  �
�I never asked you if you’d killed someone. I wouldn’t do that.”

  “But I regarded it as a return in confidence. You’d already told me that you had killed.” He paused. “Why did you kill, Catherine? Who?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “Who?” he repeated softly.

  “Why do you want to know?” she asked fiercely. “Do you want to make sure that I don’t go to the police about the men you killed? I couldn’t do that if you knew everything that—”

  “I want you to trust me as I do you.”

  “Why? I’m nothing to you. Tomorrow or the next day, I’ll go back to Hong Kong, and we may never see each other again.”

  “Listen to me, Catherine.” He reached out and cupped her face in his two hands. “We will see each other. We’re together now, and we can’t escape it. Do you know that some people believe that we go through life after life and meet and interact with the same people?”

  “That’s crazy.”

  “No.” He gently stroked her hair back from her face. “I knew many people in India who were certain of it. I only thought it an interesting concept. Now I’m beginning to believe it. I think … I recognized you, Catherine.”

  “I’m not listening to you,” she said unsteadily. “Bruce Wong must have knocked something loose in your head.”

  “Quite possibly.” He smiled. “Perhaps a lost memory or two. I don’t mean to frighten you. I just have to say it. Because it may have meaning. We were together once. I don’t know in what manner. But there was affection. You could have been my wife, my sister, my daughter…”

  “I’m going to bed, Hu Chang.”

  He nodded, and his hands dropped from her face. “My daughter perhaps. I feel such pride in you.” He got to his feet. “Perhaps this time we will only be friends. But I could never hurt or betray you, Catherine.” He looked down at her. “Any more than you could betray me. Trust me. I’ll help you. We’ll help each other.”

  He turned and went into the house.

  She was shaking. Crazy. When he had been speaking, she had almost believed him. She had felt as if they were bound together in some strange way. But he had been wrong, he had not frightened her. There had been something warm and strong and river-deep in those moments.

  Perhaps this time we will only be friends.

  Trust me. I’ll help you. We’ll help each other.

  What would it be like not to be alone?

  No, she would have to yield too much. Believe too much.

  She turned and went into the house.

  She would forget that strange conversation. She would go to bed, and everything would be different in the morning. Perhaps it was time she went back to Hong Kong.

  Yes, she would lie on her pallet and make a decision about leaving Hu Chang before she went to sleep.

  * * *

  GO ON, CATHERINE TOLD HERSELF. This was foolishness. You haven’t been able to sleep all night. Why worry about waking him? He was the one to blame for all this.

  Catherine stopped before the beaded curtains and braced herself. “Hu Chang?”

  “I’m not sleeping. I was waiting for you. You took a long time.”

  In the dimness, she could see him sitting up, his legs crossed, leaning against the wall. “It was your fault. You had to mutter all that nonsense that I had to sort out. I wasn’t used to all that—”

  “Sit down and stop chastising me. I knew it would be difficult for you. You are not like me. Everything has to be clear and have a beginning and an end. Only sometimes that doesn’t happen, Catherine.”

  She dropped to the pallet and crossed her legs as he was doing. How many times during the last weeks had they sat like this across from each other at his worktable, preparing his potions? “I’m going to go back to Hong Kong today.”

  “I thought you might.”

  “I couldn’t stay here forever, playing with your herbs. I have to face Wong and get on with my life. This is your life, not mine.”

  “And you have worlds to conquer.”

  “I’m not stupid. All I want to do is make a living and try not to do it by running drugs or whoring or hurting everyone around me.”

  “That is a laudable ambition. But conquering worlds could be fitted into that picture. You have the capability. I have faith in you.”

  She could not see his face in the darkness, but his voice was firm and held absolute certainty. He believed what he was saying, and the knowledge was shaking her to her core. How could she be hard and practical and all the things she needed to be when he did this to her? “Because I was your daughter or wife or sister in some other life?” she said sarcastically. “Because you think you know me?”

  “I do know you. But we will forget past lives. If it will make you more comfortable, we will deal only with this one. Hu Chang and Catherine.”

  “That is our life, dammit.”

  “I should not have rushed you. It was just that I had only recently reached the obvious conclusion, and I wished to share it. I should have realized that we were not at the same stage.”

  “Since you consider yourself as all-knowing, that was a gigantic mistake.”

  “You’re ranting at me, but your voice is shaking a little. I’ve noticed that paradox when you are profoundly upset and trying to disguise it. Why did you come to me tonight? Why not wait until morning?”

  “Why shouldn’t I be upset? And I’m not ranting. I’m just—” She stopped. She was not being honest. She had come to him for a reason, and she should not be a coward. “I knew I wouldn’t sleep, and it’s a long walk back to the ferry to Hong Kong. It’s not practical not to get a good rest before starting out.”

  “And you’re always reasonable and practical.”

  She drew a deep breath. She was glad that it was dark because he couldn’t see how vulnerable she felt. “You … trusted me. You said you wanted to be my friend. It made me— I don’t know why I would want a crazy, old apothecary for a friend, but I—”

  “Shh. It will come. You’re getting off track. Start over.”

  “I’ll do it the way I want to do it. As I was lying on my pallet, I thought maybe it wouldn’t be so bad not to be alone—to have a friend.”

  “Even if it’s a crazy, old apothecary.”

  “Perhaps you’re not so old. You tell me you’re not.”

  He chuckled. “And you’re willing to concede one point.”

  “I don’t care,” she said roughly. “Some people would wonder why you would want to have someone like me for a friend.” She added quickly, “Though I’m just as good as anyone I know and better than a lot of them.”

  “Much better.”

  “Then it’s settled, we’re friends,” she said brusquely. “It doesn’t mean anything, but I’m glad it’s out in the open.”

  “Then is this good night?”

  “Not quite.” She moistened her lips. “I have to say one more thing. It’s sort of … an exchange.”

  “I know where you’re leading,” he said quietly. “It doesn’t have to happen, Catherine.”

  “You told me what you did to the men who killed your parents. You asked me to trust you. If you’re my friend, don’t I have to do that? You asked me who I’d killed. You want to know, so I have to tell you.” She braced herself. “His name was Donald Carruthers. He was British.”

  He was silent for a moment. “That must have caused you some difficulty. The British here in Hong Kong take care of their own.”

  “Yes, they do. And some of them think that anyone who doesn’t look like them and talk like them are only good to treat as toys.” She added fiercely, “I wasn’t a toy. He shouldn’t have done it.”

  “No, you’re not a toy.” He asked gently, “How long ago was it, Catherine?”

  “Two years ago. I was twelve. You remember I told you about the British woman, the social worker, who put me in that orphanage when I was ten?”

  “Yes.”

  “Her name was Emma Carruthers. She was on the board of the orphanage
and had a fine house next door. She gave all kinds of society parties for her charities and would bring them to the orphanage to show them how generous she was to us. I didn’t like her, but I didn’t mind the orphanage. I had food to eat, and I was learning things. But when I was twelve, she sent for me and told me that she was sending me to her husband at his house in town. She said that she was going to make it look as if I’d run away from the orphanage and that I must be good and do whatever he said. If I didn’t, she’d tell the police to take me away and put me in prison. She said her husband liked young girls, and no one would care what happened to a half-breed Chinese slut who everyone knew would end up a whore like her mother. I tried to run away, but there was a man at the door who chloroformed me. When I woke up, I was tied to a bed.” She was starting to shake as the memories rushed back to her. “And then he came.”

  “You don’t have to say any more,” Hu Chang said quietly. “We’ll consider the exchange made.”

  “No, we won’t. You haven’t heard it all. He kept me locked in that room for a month. He called me his little China Doll, his beautiful toy, and made me do … things. When I’d fight him, he’d beat me. He liked that. It made him feel powerful. He was big and muscular and proud of being so strong. He’d brag about being strong as Hercules. He even had a brass statue of Hercules on the bedside table that he showed me and asked if it didn’t look like him.”

  “You don’t have to tell me that you didn’t agree with him even though it would have been the wise thing to do.”

  “Wise? I told him he was fat and ugly and a coward.”

  “And you paid for it.”

  “Yes, but it was worth it. He told me that I wasn’t the first girl from the orphanage his wife had sent him. He was an important man in the government, and he had to be careful of his reputation. They lived apart, but she liked the position and prestige of being his wife, and they came to a compromise that suited them both. When he was done with the girls, he arranged for them to go to a house in Macau. But that night he said I was special, that he’d keep me for a long, long time.” She paused. “And that’s when I knew I was going to kill him.”