Windows in the Mist

by Trina Lane

  “Gotcha. I’m actually in the same boat, but I’ll need to find a job first to figure out my budget.”

  “Where are you staying now?”

  “It’s…um…well it’s a housing authority property in North Dallas. Brandon and Tyler made the arrangement when I was still in Lubbock. It’s worked out fine and I am very grateful, but I think it’s time to stand on my own two feet. No pun intended.”

  “Those are your friends with the ranch, right?”

  “Yeah. Well, it’s Tyler’s ranch.” Javier chuckled. “Brandon likes cowboys, but he’s not exactly one himself. He’s a graphic artist. Does book covers.”

  “You’ve talked about them a lot. Must be good friends.”

  “They are. I’ve had a lot of casual friends over the years, but they’re different.” He scoffed. “From the outside, our friendship probably looks pretty fucked up, but we’re solid.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Have you ever made a choice that seemed unquestionable, but ended up being harmful in ways you really couldn’t understand at the time?”

  “I think regrets on some level are a part of everyone’s life.”

  “Yeah, well, I made some choices in my younger years that to some made me seem irredeemable. In my struggle to accept myself I treated Brandon and later Tyler in ways that make me ashamed. It wasn’t until the three of us were faced with each other again that I found the strength to ask for their forgiveness. We’d probably be a great case study for some psychology Ph.D. candidate.”

  “Sometimes it’s the people we share the most troubled past with that become the most meaningful in our lives.”

  That sentence was true on more than one level. It was why Javier continued to wake up screaming in the middle of the night and he had a small bottle of pills that sat in his bathroom cabinet. But it was also why he’d felt safe enough to let Brandon hold him when he’d been watching some stupid show on TV and the tears just wouldn’t fucking stop.

  “Javier?”

  He cleared his throat. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m here. Sorry. So, apartment shopping, huh? Well, I can give you a few pointers, I guess.”

  “Great. Why don’t we meet for a beer and I’ll bring some of the listings I was looking at?”

  “Sounds good. Um, not to be anal or anything, but is this cool with me still being your patient? Not that I don’t want to hang out or think it bad—in fact, it’s weird that I don’t think it’s wrong, because I never gave out personal info or socialized with my patients before. Oh, fuck it, I’m just going to shut up now.”

  “No, no, I get you. In fact I was going to throw out the question if you had any desire to come back to the good old Southwest?”

  He thought about it for about half a second.

  “I don’t. It has nothing to do with the place or even the people. I love Bethany and, believe it or not, I think we’d make good colleagues. But I think I need a fresh start.”

  “That’s a shame, because I was hoping my first act as chief PT would be hiring you.”

  “You got it! I totally knew you would.”

  “Thanks for talking me into submitting. I realized after you left that day that I’d gotten comfortable in my routine. It wasn’t until I really did the math with you that I became aware of just how long I’d been doing the same thing day after day. If I want my career to move forward I need to take the next step and that’s having management experience.”

  “Not that I had any doubt, but that was really a quick turnaround for corporate.”

  “It was kind of funny. When I contacted them, they basically said yes before I even got off the phone with them. I received the official offer and letter of hire the next day.”

  “I think your first order of business will be to clean out that office. I know that when it was mine, there were journal articles with curled and discolored page and paperwork that was so obsolete it should have been shredded years ago. I’d been slowly working my way through the piles, but had barely made a dent. Knowing how much of a packrat Sarah was, she didn’t advance the effort.”

  “Ugh, yeah, not looking forward to that part.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll help. Oh, I mean, that is, if you want me to?”

  “Of course I do! In fact, the whole hanging-out thing won’t be an issue, because I’m going have to transfer some of my caseload to another provider. I was thinking McKayla would be a good fit for you.”

  Javier found himself letting out a big breath. “I like her no-bullshit attitude. She’ll keep me on my toes and keep pushing me.”

  “Great. Then maybe we can make a night of cleaning the office after one of your therapy sessions. I’ll even buy dinner.”

  “Real working dinner or one of those poached protein-laden-health-conscious fuel sources you’re always talking about?”

  “You’ve gotten lazy. You need more of those healthy fuel sources if you’re going to get back to where you were before. We’ve talked about your meal plan. Are you following it?”

  “Yes, Mom.”

  “Dude. There is so much wrong with that I don’t know where to start. Listen, I have to go, but I’m serious about getting your input on where to hang my hat.”

  “Hang your hat? What are you, like, eighty?”

  “I’ll show you just what this old man can do.”

  Javier looked down as his cock jumped.

  Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?

  “Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong. I’ll bring my résumé and you can give me some input. It’s been a while since I updated it and I’m going to need every edge I can to get a job again. I’ll see you tomorrow night. Seven sharp. Los Sapitos on East Jefferson.”

  “Hasta luego, mi amigo.”

  “Buenas noches.”

  * * * *

  Malaki spun the cardboard coaster around and sipped his beer as he waited for Javier to show up. The excuse about getting the man’s input on finding an apartment was seriously lame. He was surprised that Javier hadn’t seen right through it. It wasn’t as though he’d reached the age of nearly forty without the ability to find a place to live.

  Ever since they’d reduced Javier’s therapy sessions to once per week, he’d found himself searching out any reason to talk to the man. Now that McKayla was taking over as his therapist, he’d have even less time with him. All throughout the day they’d been flinging texts at each other, some even with those stupid bitmojis. He was reasonably sure that Javier liked him as a friend, but what was still very murky was if the man had any feelings beyond the platonic. There were times when Malaki saw something deeper than friendship in Javier’s eyes, but then he’d make some kind of pithy comment and deflect harder than the heat shields on the International Space Station.

  Javier hadn’t really talked in detail about what had happened to him or the circumstances leading up to his being taken, but Malaki had deduced enough to know that the man responsible was someone Javier had dated. It wasn’t illogical to think that would make the man a bit gun shy.

  “Plotting world domination?”

  He looked up and swallowed his sip of beer very slowly. Javier stood tall in front of him, dressed in a royal blue T-shirt that set off his dusky complexion perfectly. His bare arms revealed that the man was finally starting to build up muscle tone again. Malaki had seen old photos of Javier, and while he certainly knew what malnutrition and dehydration did to the body in a physical sense, witnessing their effects on Javier had been difficult. That didn’t even include the further deterioration on his body from the trauma and stress of the infection he’d been treated for in the hospital.

  “What?”

  “You looked really deep in thought. I just figured you were either plotting world domination or single-handedly solving the mysteries of the universe.”

  “Actually, I was trying to decide if I wanted chicken wings or spinach artichoke dip for an appetizer.”

  Javier sat and picked up a menu. “Hmm. Yes, that is a tough choice, although the onl
y correct answer is bell pepper nachos.”

  He couldn’t resist smiling into those dark brown eyes for a moment. “Sold.”

  “Sweet. Brandon never lets me get away with the ultra-spicy stuff. So, anything good happen today?” Javier asked, sitting down.

  “Good for me in that I have a new challenge. Started therapy with a seventeen-year-old. Spinal cord concussion.”

  “Damn. I’ve always been incredibly grateful that I survived my playing years without any major injuries.”

  “You were a running back?”

  Javier shook his head. “Wide receiver. All-American, thank you very much.”

  “How come you didn’t go for the draft?”

  “Well, there’s a long answer and a short answer to that question. The short answer is I didn’t want to play pro-ball. The long answer is much more complicated…” Javier looked around the room. “And probably better discussed not in public.”

  Malaki raised an eyebrow.

  “How do you do that?” Javier asked, laughing.

  “I don’t know. I just do. It’s kind of like that smoldering look you have. Unless you’re more calculating than I ever gave you credit for.”

  “I have a smoldering look?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  “What’s it look like?”

  Malaki closed his eyes and did his best to show Javier. But instead Javier started cracking up.

  “Shut up!” He flung the coaster at Javier.

  “I’m sorry, but if that is supposed to be my sexy look, it’s shocking I ever got laid at all.”

  “Fucker. I didn’t say I could do it.” He unlocked his phone. “Now try being useful and show me where to live.”

  Javier scooted his chair over to Malaki’s side of the table and he might or might not have inhaled the man’s scent just a bit longer than necessary. They flipped through Malaki’s top choices and weeded out the ones that had good marketing, but were poor in reality. Their appetizer was delivered, and the little moans that came out of Javier’s mouth had Malaki tightening every muscle in his body in effort to stop him from reaching out to touch the man.

  It was the worst and best dinner that Malaki could remember. He clearly had some masochistic tendencies he’d never realized, because only a fool would seek out the torture of spending so much time in close proximity with a man who was so far off-limits.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Javier whispered.

  Malaki nodded.

  “Did you really need my help?”

  He shook his head.

  “So this was all an excuse to see me outside the office?”

  He nodded again

  “Why?”

  Panic flared in Javier’s eyes and Malaki cursed softly. This wasn’t the time or the place. And he’d actually been really selfish in asking Javier to play a game when the other man didn’t know the rules.

  “At some point, I promise I’ll tell you. Until then just know that I enjoy a good beer and pleasant company from time to time.”

  Javier let out a long breath and his shoulders relaxed as if a great weight had been lifted. Malaki’s gut twisted with disappointment, but he knew he’d made the right decision.

  He believed to the marrow of his bones that Javier was meant to hold an intrinsic place in his life. Whether that was purely on a level of friendship or something more intimate, only time would tell. It was a good thing Malaki was a patient man.

  * * * *

  “So this is where all the magic happens,” Malaki said as he showed Javier the bedroom of his new condo.

  “Does your magic involve others suddenly disappearing, because it’s kind of sparse in here?”

  “I’ve never had complaints before.”

  I’ll bet. Just look at him. Stop! No, no looking, because you know damn well that you’re not going to touch. But you want to touch. In fact, you want to touch very much. Great, now I have rhyming voices in my internal monologue.

  “That’s it! That’s that smoldering look.”

  “What?”

  Malaki cleared his throat. “Never mind. So, yeah, I know it looks pretty pathetic right now, but I still have to buy all the stuff to put in it. I’ve only been renting furnished places for the last few years, so I have nothing of my own.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Just my clothes and a few knick-knacks. When I first started the traveling gig, I had stuff from my apartment in San Diego, but quickly learned it was a pain to move it all every few months. So I sold everything but my truck.”

  “Wow. So you went from a total transient to a home owner. That’s like a big one-eighty. Are you having any symptoms of vertigo? If so, I would recommend a great PT for rehabilitation. Except he’s currently unemployed.”

  “That last interview didn’t work out, huh?”

  Javier shook his head. “But honestly I only submitted my résumé there because I’m getting desperate. It’s been a month. I’ve had four interviews and four rejections. When I graduated, I literally had my pick of employers. If my ego were more fragile, I’d start to think I smelled bad or something.”

  Malaki’s deep laugh filled the room and Javier found himself a few steps closer to the man before he realized it was happening.

  “Trust me, you don’t smell bad. In fact, even dog-ass tired, sweaty and reduced to grunts, you look and smell delectable.”

  Javier swallowed. All the hairs stood up on his body like tiny antennas, seeking out the signal from the heat in Malaki’s gaze. “Was that your word for the day?”

  “Nope, it was actually feisty.”

  “Can you use that in a sentence?”

  “How about, ‘I love a feisty man between the sheets’?”

  Oh, dear God, we have reached Defcon level two.

  Javier wanted Malaki. He was able to accept that.

  The problem lies in the fact that I wanted Vincent too, and Tyler and every other man I hooked up with over the years.

  Feeding that want was what had led him to hurting the man who’d become an important friend, then to a series of unsatisfying relationships.

  And ultimately to the horror that still has me haunting my apartment at night to avoid succumbing to the terrors of my subconscious.

  “Right, so all new furniture huh? That’s either going to be a lot of fun shopping for or a total nightmare. Did you really think that out all the way?”

  “I’ve been saving to buy for years, just didn’t know where I’d land. Besides, this way I’ve had time to think about what I really want.”

  “Well, I have to say this is a nice place. I know it was a hassle waiting the extra month to close with all drama of the previous owners, but totally worth it to score the unit you wanted. The whole modernist feel with a homey touch is very you.”

  “Oh no, too much HGTV has rotted your brain. We need to get you a job fast.”

  “You might be right. There are times that I feel that if I hear the words shiplap or open concept one more time, I’ll scream.”

  “There’s a great solution to your problem.”

  “What’s that?”

  Malaki stepped closer and leaned down to whisper in Javier’s ear, “Change the channel.” He started walking towards the bedroom door. “Or you can come over here where I only allow movies with gratuitous violence and big explosions. Preferably with ultra-hot alpha studs in shredded clothing.”

  Javier’s fingers twitched with the desire to grab Malaki’s hips and push him against the nearest wall. However, it was just that kind of urge that had gotten him into trouble in the first place. Hell, it had been weeks since their dinner out and other than the occasional comment like earlier, or innuendo, Malaki hadn’t said anything more about something between them. Much to his relief. Because Javier didn’t know what the hell he wanted anymore.

  He hadn’t felt this insecure about life since he was in high school and denying his sexuality. It was as though his brain had completely short-circuited when it came to sex. To add insult to injury, he had
n’t even managed to get hard, other than his typical morning wood. Every time he tried to jack off, his dick refused to come to attention, and his fantasies were a black hole of nothingness.

  “Hey, you okay?”

  Javier blinked several times and realized that Malaki was standing in the doorway, watching him.

  “Yeah, sorry, was just thinking of stuff.” A few steps and he paused right in front of Malaki, filling the door frame, arms stretched over his head. “Move, you behemoth.”

  “Make me, you scarecrow.”

  Javier growled and gripped Malaki’s forearms. Jesus, his fingers didn’t even encircle the cords of muscle or make a dent in the flesh. He pushed, but Malaki didn’t move. A low chuckle fueled his ire, and he slid his hands up to Malaki’s wrists to get better leverage. It wasn’t until their chests pressed together that he realized they’d never been closer. There was an odd tingle in his gut, and he lost his balance as Malaki stepped back quickly. A flare of pain went through his knee and Javier winced.

  “Shit, I’m sorry.” Malaki reached out to steady him.

  He held up his hands and stepped away. “I’m fine. Didn’t realize I was leaning into you. Sorry.”

  “No, it’s my fault. I was just messing around, but should have known better. What do you say we get out of here? I have some furniture shopping to do, and you said you’ve got a meeting?”

  Javier looked at his watch. “Shit, yeah.”

  “Another job interview?”

  “No, FBI.”

  “Everything okay?”

  Javier brushed past Malaki now that the man wasn’t impersonating a brick wall. “Oh yeah, fine. It’s just about the case. Some final details and stuff. You should check out Langham’s. They’re a consignment shop for upscale stuff. Probably won’t find chairs and stuff to fit you, but lots of other good stuff.”

  “Thanks. Are you sure you’re okay? You had a…I don’t know…worried look on your face before.”

  “I’ll figure it out. I’m still just trying to find normal again, you know?”

  “That’s fair. I know you’ve got Tyler and Brandon, but you know I’m here if you need me.”

  He nodded. The problem was that most of his conflict had to do with these urges and feelings about the very man offering to help. Talk about awkward.