Choosing Hope: Moving Forward from Life's Darkest Hours

by Kaitlin Roig-DeBellis

  Whenever I doubted myself, or found myself reacting to something negative that was said about me (which I still do sometimes), I called to mind the message I got from the poem by Kent Keith: You can give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough, but give the world the best you have anyway. I had started something important and I couldn’t let a few critics crush my spirit. That doesn’t mean the criticism didn’t hurt. It did. I was born a people-pleaser and maybe once I would have been frightened away from my mission by people’s unkind judgments, or maybe I would have tried to convince them that my intentions were good. But not now. I didn’t need to prove my good character. There wasn’t time for that.

  I had a purpose and a responsibility to fulfill it, and I knew my own heart and it was good and kind and genuine. I lived to be a good daughter, a good wife, a good friend, a good teacher, a good person. When someone was down, I did my best to lift them up. When someone was sad, I tried to cheer them. When a stranger smiled at me, I smiled back. I had something to offer and I wanted to give it, so I made the choice to ignore the critics and focus on all of the good around me. Because, in the final analysis, it was never between you and the critics anyway. It is between you and your God. That was one of the best lessons I learned, because it cleared the way for me to take my new path with my head held high and my heart open.

  Once I chose to tell my story publicly, my calendar began to fill up. I spoke at commencements, and job fairs, and safety board commissions, and elementary, middle, and high schools and college classes. In San Jose and Amarillo and Hartford and Edmonton and Dallas and Harrisburg and Cleveland.

  In every setting, I hit upon the same themes. Purpose. Perspective. Overcoming difficult times. When speaking to educators, I emphasized the value of teachers, and the importance of teaching a social curriculum.

  Never let anyone make you forget why you started out on this course. You did it to enrich the lives of children, to make their lives better, to help them succeed. That is all that matters. Meetings and paperwork and high-stakes testing and grading and new initiatives may bog down your days. But it’s like anything in life. You have to take the good with the bad. Life is a balance. Focus on those amazing activities and opportunities you have going on in your classroom.

  Because I know you do this. You inspire. You excite. You engage. You find ways to make spelling awe-inspiring. You motivate in writing, by sharing your own. You read them literature and take on character voices and make it impossible not to pay attention. You devise cool ways to learn about math and science and geography.

  You do all this because you are a teacher. You became a teacher because you knew that your teaching, your lessons, what you put on the board each morning, would make a difference in children’s lives.

  Early on in my speaking, while I was still getting my feet wet, a school board president in California approached me after one of my talks to say that in all of her years in education she had rarely seen a message that was more effective than the one I had given. “It’s powerful and you need to keep sharing it,” she said. “I see you as a person who can make significant change.” Her affirming words inspired me to keep going.

  I spoke to the student body at a high school in Oregon for their Unity Week and was surprised when I walked onstage to see that almost everyone in the audience was wearing the same red and white tees. After I finished speaking, the principal joined me onstage. He thanked me for taking part in their special celebration and sharing my message. Then, he surprised me with a check for Classes 4 Classes. “We decided that since you have helped us in sharing your message, we wanted to help something that we know is important to you. Here is a check for Classes 4 Classes. We wish you all the best in spreading your mission.” He brought me to tears when he explained that the red and white shirts I saw in the audience had been purchased by the students for a fund-raiser they held to benefit Classes 4 Classes. Those students had a real awareness of unity, of connection, and of working toward the greater good.

  Those moments fueled me to continue doing what I was doing. I discovered that I learned something from every encounter, from every story. For every life I touched, someone touched mine. Through the eyes of others, I began to see things I might not have seen before. Appreciate things that maybe once I wouldn’t have noticed.

  As I sat in an airport waiting for a flight recently, I made eye contact with a man carrying a broom and a dustpan. He smiled at me and I smiled back. The man exuded such warmth and happiness. There was something so special about his energy that I couldn’t help but watch him as he worked. I have never seen anyone sweep with such enthusiasm and passion. How easily he could have disliked or resented his work, but instead he embraced it and made the absolute best of it. He appeared to be completely joyful to be doing what he was doing, and he shared his joy by greeting everyone who passed him with a hearty “Good morning!” and a giant smile. Every person, without fail, even those who were rushing for flights, smiled and greeted him back. That man clearly understood that sharing his own happiness went a long way, and he was willing to make the effort to make that difference.

  We could all learn a lesson from that gentleman, I thought, as I watched him sweep. Rather than worry about anyone judging him because maybe he didn’t have a big corner office or take home a hefty paycheck, he made the most of what he did. He did his job with pride and enjoyment, and in doing so he made his tiny corner of the world a little bit brighter. I’m not sure that before the tragedy, I would even have noticed that man, but now I use him as an example for my own life. I know that my attitude toward my day, my work, my life, determines my own happiness and well-being and affects everyone around me. I try to begin each day, as he did, wearing a smile and greeting everyone I see.

  What I took from that lovely man is that whatever you do with your life, whether you sweep, or teach, or run a corporation, you can choose to do it with great joy and, in doing so, make your corner of the world a little bit brighter.

  And that is a giant gift to give.

  In the two years since Sandy Hook, I have traveled around the country and in Canada sharing my story. I have watched as Classes 4 Classes has grown exponentially and I am filled with hope that we will continue to expand and thrive.

  As I look ahead, I am filled with hope for many things. I hope for a healthy and happy life with my husband. I hope to have children of my own. I hope for a long and fulfilling career helping children to learn and grow, and promoting and enabling their success. I hope to keep learning and growing to become the person that I am meant to be.

  I know that we will never get answers for Sandy Hook, but I hope to be able to continue to find some light in the darkness that surrounds it. By teaching kindness, compassion, empathy, and love, there is no room for hate.

  I have come a long way from the days when I could barely drag myself out of bed or leave my house alone (although I still can’t shower with the door closed). I continue to move forward but never on from Sandy Hook. Some days it’s one step ahead and two back. But the next day I step forward again.

  I still pray, every day, but my prayers have changed from desperate pleas to be delivered from my misery, to prayers of thanks. For every moment, for every hour, for every day. Because nothing is promised.

  And now, when I sing “Amazing Grace,” it is not to try to quiet my troubled mind, but in gratitude for the wisdom I have taken from that senseless tragedy and the gift of being able to share it with those who are trapped in their own despair. Today I can honestly say, “I once was lost, but now I’m found.” I chose hope, and now I see.

  EPILOGUE

  Since launching Classes 4 Classes in April 2013 we have served more than a thousand students in ten states, and we’ve been featured in major publications from People magazine to Marie Claire. Our goal is to get every K–8 public school classroom in the country involved. What better way to triumph over tragedy and honor those we lost at Sandy Hook than
to teach kindness?

  I have yet to return to the classroom because I want to see my current mission through. And if I ever doubted taking the direction I did, all I need do is read the comments from the children and teachers who have already taken part in Classes 4 Classes. “We may never understand why evil exists, but to know there are people trying to turn bad into good is inspirational,” a fourth-grader named Katie wrote. Our message is resonating with children and I believe it is already making a difference. And, in the words of Mahatma Gandhi “You must be the change you wish to see in our world.”

  “If you have so much things, you can donate to people that don’t have a lot.”

  —Liam, first-grade student

  “If you do nice things for somebody else—it will grow like a chain reaction!”

  —Raven, student

  “One act of kindness really can show a difference in our world. It has to start with someone. Why not us?”

  —Mary Grace, fourth-grade student

  “It’s good to help other people because it makes them feel good and it makes us feel good too!”

  —Milo, student

  “We want to do something for another classroom to show that we care for them.”

  —Karen, student

  “We are giving them kindles because it’s nice and we want to show that we care.”

  —Hayden, third-grade student

  “It’s good to give students kindles because they can read all sorts of texts, like magazines, and learn all sorts of new things.”

  —MariKate, third-grade student

  “It is wonderful to see how excited our students are to help another class in need.”

  —Mrs. Larsen, fifth-grade teacher

  “I hope we get to see the kindergarteners’ faces when they get their new projector!”

  —Lauren, fifth-grade student

  “It’s good to spread random acts of kindness because you’re doing a good thing and helping others and sometimes even helping them achieve their dreams.”

  —Colby, fourth-grade student

  “When you do a random act of kindness it makes other people feel good, it’s like when u do good it feels good as well.”

  —Randy, fourth-grade student

  “You get to see the smile on someone’s face.”

  —Erik, fourth-grade student

  “It makes other people happy, and seeing other people happy makes me want to be more giving. Hopefully other people will want to make others feel the way they felt when someone did a random act of kindness to them and it will keep spreading.”

  —Mena, fourth-grade student

  “I think random acts of kindness are important because there’s a lot of wars going on in the world and people are fighting a lot and it feels good to do it too. It helps people who have to see war and fighting not feel sad all of the time.”

  —Max, fourth-grade student

  “If someone is feeling bad about something, we don’t want them to feel hurt so we can prevent that from happening by doing random acts of kindness.”

  —Jason, fourth-grade student

  “By paying it forward to this school, you can really show every student that somebody or lots of bodies care about them. That feels great.”

  —Kayla, fourth-grade student

  “Being selfless is a theme that everyone should remember and model. Let’s walk our talk and start this change of abundant good . . .”

  —fifth-grade teacher

  “Boys and girls. Have you ever received a gift from someone for no particular reason?”—Mrs. Pesce, first-grade teacher . . . “Yes! My Aunt sewed me a stuffed animal! I loved it, and when I received it I wanted to give her something back to show how happy I was.”

  —Grace, first-grade student

  “I hope the class loves the iPad and gets to choose to play with it during indoor recess.”

  —Tim, first-grade student

  “Can we make the class a card to send with the gift?”

  —Peyton, first-grade student

  “When you help people, you feel happy inside.”

  —Luke, first-grade student

  “When you help someone, you feel proud and good.”

  —Kyle, first-grade student

  “When you don’t have fun things at school, school isn’t fun. I want to help make school fun.”

  —Joey, first-grade student

  “One good deed can act as a chain reaction. I feel very proud to be helping kindness spread through the nation.”

  —Matthew, fourth-grade student

  “I think that our small deed can change the world by raising money for a classroom in need of technology and we hope that it will encourage them to sponsor another classroom in need.”

  —Bella, fourth-grade student

  “I am excited about being in this project to spread kindness around our nation because this will make our world smile. Also, I am proud to know that we are helping schools one by one. Lastly, I think that many people will become happy and will pay it forward.”

  —Emma, fourth-grade student

  “It’s so easy to pass on (pay forward) a good deed.”

  —Macy, fourth-grade student

  “I have always felt that it is essential that classroom teachers find time in the school day to teach a social curriculum. Teaching students to care for one another is not only the ‘right’ thing to do in elementary school, it’s a necessary life skill and something that I hope my students remember as they grow into adults. My students and I are thrilled to take part in Classes 4 Classes! We couldn’t be more ecstatic to care for another classroom—not just because it is a fun community service activity but because caring for others is our responsibility as human beings.”

  —Mrs. Hodge, third-grade teacher

  “I didn’t realize how knowledgeable my students were with technology and how strongly they felt about how it helped in their learning. I saw a new light in each of my students when they realized that it was because of them and their thoughtfulness that a classroom would be able to experience a new form of technology and learning. It gave them a sense of power that they didn’t realize they had. They felt like they were little people doing something big to help the world. Which I hope is something they carry with them throughout their lives.”

  —Mrs. O’Hara, kindergarten teacher

  “Our class needs some books. We don’t have enough books. Some of these books aren’t even that interesting and when everybody takes them there are not enough books left. We don’t even have a full bookshelf.”

  —DeAndre, student

  “. . . Some books are in terrible condition. When I finally find an interesting book, when I’m on page nine and I flip the page I’m on page seventeen. This is not the only problem. Covers are ripped and the binding is ripped up.”

  —third-grade student

  “My students are so eager to make a change and help out each other each day and so far we have been compiling at least ten ‘Put-Ups,’ which are statements that students see or catch someone doing for another person and they write it on a piece of paper. We then read the ‘Put-Ups’ at the end of each day to reward and applaud nice things that each student does for someone else. I have also made it a point to make sure I say something nice to each one of my students each day and notice that they usually reciprocate the gesture too.”

  —fifth-grade teacher

  “We may never understand why evil exists, but to know there are people trying to turn bad into good is inspirational.”

  —fourth-grade student

  When I read each of these as their teachers sent them in, I was reminded just how important our mission was. Reading the last student quote resonated in a way that brought tears to my eyes. I will never have answers to explain the tragedy at our school, but trying to
make a positive difference, even a small one, was my way of trying to overcome it.

  Today, I end every speech this way:

  You can make a difference in our world. What better day to start than today? I encourage you to always know your purpose, follow it, work hard at it, choose to have a positive perspective on how to view the world around you, choose to overcome your own hard times and choose hope within them. Life, in fact, is all about choice and the choice is yours alone to make. Choose hope.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I dedicated this book to the people who helped me through my own darkest hour, and that list is quite lengthy. I would like to pause and take the time now to thank that incredibly important group of people, as I would not be where I am today without them.

  I offer my sincerest gratitude to my parents, who, from the day they became mine, have given me their unending love, support, and guidance. To my Nick, thank you for loving me. You are my rock and my “keeper,” and it’s because of you that I now understand my father’s saying.

  To my extended family, you have each contributed to my life and in making me the person I am today. I am forever grateful. To Nick’s family, thank you for welcoming me into yours. To my best friends (you know who you are), I learned at a very early age that family doesn’t have to be blood, and you all are truly my family.

  To my maternal grandparents, thank you for everything you taught me and for being like parents to me. Your moon hangs in my hallway as a daily reminder of you, not that I could ever forget. To my paternal grandparents, I never had the honor of knowing you, but I know how incredible you both were, because of my dad.

  To my birth parents, thank you for giving me up so that I may have had the exact life I was meant to have. I know you knew that all along.

  To every teacher I ever had, it is because of you that I became a teacher. I thank you for showing me that we are the difference makers in our world.