Chasing Charlie

by C. M. Newman

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE: HUNGRY PILLS

  It wasn’t Charlie’s first time flying, and Vince’s new antiemetic patch seemed to be working better than his pills for the time being, so the flight was uneventful. Picking up a rental car at the airport turned out to be the first downer of the trip. Angela hadn’t thought much of it until she remembered that Vince had decided to stop driving after last night so he could start his handful of new medications. He tried not to look too deflated when the agent handed him the keys and he had to turn them right over to Angela.

  Charlie was too distracted by the prospect of swimming in the ocean to notice his father’s sullenness. The only thing on the little boy’s mind was hitting the water as soon as possible, so the family of three wasted no time in changing and heading outside to visit the beach in front of their hotel. Charlie’s enthusiasm was enough to lift Vince out of the doldrums.

  “How’re you feeling?” Angela asked Vince purely out of habit once they found a spot on the crowded shoreline. “Sorry, I forgot, I said I wouldn’t pester,” she tacked on right away, eying Vince, who was attempting to situate a giant beach umbrella behind them while she slathered Charlie up with sunscreen.

  “Feeling fine,” Vince said.

  “Want to try the Marinol?” Angela asked, trying to sound as innocently curious as possible. Vince had eaten a piece of toast for breakfast that morning, but she knew it had only been meant to pacify her. She longed to see him eat an entire plate of food, maybe even have seconds of something.

  “I don’t know. Not sure I want to on vacation, before I know how my body will take it.”

  “What’s Marinol?” Charlie asked, turning to face Angela so she could sunscreen his chest.

  “It’s a pill with the same ingredient as a, umm…special plant that’ll help make your daddy hungry and settle his tummy and take away some of his pain, all at once,” Angela explained quickly. “Don’t you want to try it when you’re just with me and Charlie rather than hanging around a bunch of kids at the party this weekend? I brought munchies…” she said enticingly, pointing to a beach tote.

  “You should take it, Daddy,” Charlie said, raising his arms to expose his sides.

  “Yeah, Daddy, you should take it,” Angela chimed in.

  “Maybe in a bit,” Vince conceded. “I was going to take Charlie for the first shift once his sunscreen sets in.”

  “Sounds good to me.” Angela knew it was out of the question for all three of them to go in together. She refused to be anywhere without Vince’s medication handy, and they couldn’t leave that sitting out on a busy beach.

  “Hey, Daddy?” Charlie asked.

  “Yup?” Vince said. He sat down in the wooden chaise next to Angela’s.

  “How come you’re wearing your shirt?”

  “Well, because I’m not in the water yet,” Vince answered. He knew he needed to lotion up, so he looked both ways—which didn’t go unnoticed by Angela—and slipped his t-shirt off. There was no getting around how emaciated he felt he looked. He even saw it in Angela’s eyes from time to time when she saw him without a shirt on and wasn’t subtle enough about the way she looked at him. Vince silently told himself he would just have to deal with this body image problem over the next few days. He certainly wasn’t going to miss out on his last beach getaway with Charlie because he didn’t want the stares. He also told himself that there were men his height who naturally weighed as much as he did.

  However, much of his self-consciousness stemmed not necessarily from the numbers as much as it did from knowing what he used to look like. With so much fat and muscle mass lost and his full head of hair now history, he felt like a different person from the self he had known a few months ago. No matter whether anyone else looked at him as just a naturally thin man, he knew the truth.

  “Can I do your back, Daddy?” Charlie asked when he saw Vince reach for the sunscreen.

  “Sure.” Vince squeezed a good amount into Charlie’s hands and leaned forward. Angela watched with a suppressed smile while Charlie rubbed the lotion in a few giant swoops and declared his work done. Vince promptly scooted over to sit in front of Angela, who finished the job properly.

  “Don’t forget your head, Daddy.”

  “Thank you,” Vince said.

  “How come you’re not wearing a bikini like the other ladies?” Charlie asked Angela.

  “Because I’m too old for one,” she said.

  “Nuh-uh! I saw a lady way older than you with a bikini. She was all wrinkly.”

  “Well, she’s much braver than I am,” Angela said.

  “Can we go in now?” Charlie asked, bouncing on his heels.

  “Sunscreen’s not dry yet,” Vince said, shaking his head.

  “Is it dry now?” Charlie said immediately.

  “This is gonna be such a fun trip,” Vince said with a playful growl, pulling Charlie toward him and tickling his sides.

  To Angela’s relief, Vince seemed full of energy when he finally slid on his sunglasses, helped Charlie put on his life jacket, and took off toward the water with him.

  And he seemed that way because he was. By some sort of miracle or answered prayer—or maybe because he was a day further away from his last chemotherapy session and wasn’t weighed down by as much fatigue or nausea—he felt a burst of strength by the time his toes touched the water. It wasn’t long until Charlie could no longer touch the ocean floor and the waves were too strong for him to keep his balance.

  Remembering that water made the heaviest of things seem almost weightless, Vince took hold of Charlie’s hands and tugged him along in the water, chuckling as Charlie bounced up and down, helping his dad to lift him. Vince had thought there would never again come a day when he felt strong enough to pick up his son without hurting himself, but today he was able to squat down, grasp Charlie underneath his arms, and pull him into deeper water. It was probably the thing Vince had most taken for granted when he had been healthy. Before he had known he was sick, he had always known he would grow older and slow down a bit. But he had never imagined what it would be like not to be able to lift Charlie into his arms again, at least not while Charlie was still young. Now they bobbed along together with the rolling of the waves, Charlie’s feet hooked around his father’s waist, his little hands grasping his shoulders.

  “Can I get a piggy-back ride?” Charlie asked.

  “Sure, we can try, but you’ve gotta climb your way around. It’s too deep for me to set you down.”

  Charlie did just that, kneeing Vince a few times in the process, but Vince barely noticed the pain once Charlie was hanging onto his back and demanding that his strong again dad carry him out further.

  “Can I wear your sunglasses?” Charlie asked, taking them from Vince’s face without permission.

  “Sure, just don’t drop them.”

  “I’m hungry,” Charlie announced after a few more minutes of Vince walking parallel to the shore.

  “Why didn’t you have a snack before?” Vince asked with a chuckle.

  “I wasn’t hungry then, but I’m hungry now. I want some Goldfish.”

  “Well, we’re in the ocean. Reach in and grab some,” Vince teased, though he turned for the shore.

  “Yuck! You can’t eat fish from the ocean!” Charlie cried.

  “Where exactly do you think the fish we eat come from?” Vince challenged him.

  “I dunno, other oceans. But not the ones we swim in,” Charlie reasoned.

  “People swim in all the oceans, buddy. You know what we’ve never done when we’ve come to the beach?” They typically made a trek to the Atlantic once a year, though never anywhere this nice.

  “What?”

  “A glass-bottom boat tour,” Vince said. They now neared the point where he would have to crouch down to keep supporting Charlie, as they were reaching shallower and shallower waters. He stopped. “You get to ride in this boat and see through the bottom. You can see all the different kinds of fish. Does that sound like fun?”

  “Yeah! Ca
n we go right now?”

  Vince laughed and carefully lowered Charlie into the water. “How about we go tomorrow? We’ll probably be a little tired from all the swimming. It’ll be a nice break.”

  “Okay.”

  “You guys went out really far,” Angela said to Charlie when he ran up to her, Vince following behind him.

  “And Daddy picked me up and gave me a piggy-back ride!” Charlie reported, going straight for the bag to look for snacks.

  “I saw,” Angela marveled, winking at Vince as he sat down. “What do you need, sweetie?”

  “I want some Goldfish. Daddy, do you want some, too?” Charlie offered once he found the carton.

  “Maybe in a little bit,” Vince replied.

  “If you’re not hungry, then you should take the medicine that makes you hungry. Here.” Charlie abandoned the crackers and pulled out a plastic zippered bag with several bottles of pills in it.

  “I guess I’d better listen to the doctor, huh?” Vince said, opening up the bag. It was without any reluctance that he finally did it, though. His time with Charlie in the water had given him the necessary boost in his drive to make the best of the time he had left. The status quo didn’t need to be so awful. “Here goes nothing,” he said, swallowing the synthetic THC into his system. He almost looked forward to the jabs he would likely get from his brother that weekend—another reason to smile.

  “Can I have some Goldfish, Charlie?” Angela asked, reaching her hand out. Charlie closed his arms greedily around the carton of crackers as he stuffed one into his mouth and smiled devilishly.

  “Is that how you’re gonna be?” Angela asked, snatching Vince’s sunglasses from Charlie’s face. “Did your head shrink? Your sunglasses look awfully big.”

  “Those are Daddy’s,” Charlie said, giggling.

  “Oh, my mistake.”

  —

  “Can we have lunch now?” Charlie pleaded when Angela brought him back from another swim. Vince sat quietly reading a book and he perked up at the mention of food. Angela gave him a questioning, hopeful look and he nodded and flashed her a grin.

  “I think lunch sounds like a great idea. Let’s pack up,” Angela said, barely able to contain her excitement.

  It got even more difficult for Angela not to celebrate when, after changing clothes and finding a restaurant, Vince complained about the wait for a table. “I’m so happy to see you hungry again,” she said.

  “It’s nice to be hungry,” Vince said.

  Angela discreetly reached for Vince’s hand. He wouldn’t let her have it, though. Instead he slid his arm around her as they leaned against the railing of an aging beech wood deck where they waited with the other customers. Charlie, a little sleepy from the water and sun, leaned against Vince’s leg and watched the other diners pass by them.

  “Any other effects kicking in?” Angela asked.

  “Feeling pretty good,” Vince said with a light shrug.

  “You are high,” Angela whispered playfully into his ear.

  “I’m simply enjoying my vacation,” Vince insisted, but he couldn’t deny the utter elation that had washed over him in the past hour or so.

  “Well, then, I’m glad. And nobody’s got a sunburn yet, so so far, so good, right?”

  “Right,” Charlie said. “How’s your tummy, Daddy?”

  “It’s great, thank you for asking.” Vince smoothed Charlie’s almost dry hair over his head.

  “And no pain?” Angela asked.

  Vince shrugged again. “A little. Nothing too bad. I’ll probably feel it later, but so far it’s been worth it. Right now my main concern is getting a steak and maybe some lobster.”

  —

  “Angela, the TV has movies on it,” Charlie said excitedly. Vince was changing into pajamas and taking his insulin in the bathroom while Angela turned down Charlie’s covers for him.

  “Yeah, and those movies cost about twelve bucks. You got that much?” she asked with a spirited smile.

  “I have ten dollars that Auntie Jen gave me for helping paint her bathroom but they’re at home,” Charlie realized sadly.

  “I didn’t know your aunt was doing home improvements. Huh. Well, it’s a good thing you’re smart and asked the right person,” Angela mumbled into Charlie’s ear after he climbed into bed. She handed him the remote control after browsing to the kids’ section. “Go ahead and pick one.”

  “I’ll give that ten minutes,” Vince muttered when he turned the lights out on his way to bed. Charlie’s eyes already drooped dangerously.

  “Maybe it’ll put us to sleep too,” Angela hoped.

  “I don’t think I’ll need much help,” Vince said. A long day in and out of the water and sunlight left all three of them drained, but him especially. He was feeling the soreness settle in after overexerting himself, but he couldn’t have cared less. He simply popped a painkiller, kissed Charlie goodnight, and slid into bed next to Angela. His stomach was full but not upset. His gentle high from what Charlie had named his “hungry pill” had worn off, leaving him with a sense of contentment that usually only came with the overpowering drowsiness. Now he was just tired and grateful that it was at the right time.

  After a while, Vince turned to his side and played with a strand of Angela’s hair. “He asleep already?” he asked her.

  “Yup.” She laughed quietly and reached for the remote to shut the television off.

  “There’s eleven-ninety-five we’ll never get back.”

  “We could turn it back on if you want. Maybe it’s interesting,” Angela suggested.

  “I don’t think I can stay up another minute. And by the way, we’re sleeping in tomorrow. I set the alarm for eight.”

  “You know we’ll all be up at six-thirty.”

  “Shh, don’t say things like that,” Vince said, pressing his lips to Angela’s temple, tasting the salt from the ocean that hadn’t completely washed off in the shower. “You know, it’s a shame we came all the way to the Keys and we can’t even take a walk on the beach, just the two of us.”

  Angela didn’t answer, just sighed pleasantly.

  “What?” Vince asked.

  “Just picturing it. Thanks a lot,” she said with a pathetic laugh.

  “Sorry. You know what? I will take you for a walk on the beach. Somehow. I promise.”

  Angela furrowed her brow in the dark. “How? Our hotel doesn’t have a daycare center.”

  “You already looked?”

  “I’m sorry, it’s nothing against Charlie. I’m not resentful or anything. I wouldn’t have dreamed of not bringing him with us. I was just curious.”

  Vince squeezed Angela’s shoulder and noted that it felt warm, maybe sunburned. “I looked into it, too,” he admitted. “But I stand by what I said. We may never trim a Christmas tree together or celebrate an anniversary, but we’re taking a walk on the beach. Just the two of us. In the moonlight.”

  Angela’s cheeks and eyes grew hot; she was thankful for the cloak of darkness. “In the moonlight? I’m really interested to see how you’re going to pull that one off.”

  —

  “Look, Daddy!” Charlie said, pointing out a jellyfish that propelled itself through the water underneath their tour boat.

  “Pretty cool,” Vince said.

  “Do jellyfish make jelly?” Charlie asked.

  “No, but some of them sting you!” said a blonde little boy Charlie’s age. Charlie sat between Vince and Angela, the latter of whom leaned back so Charlie could see who had spoken to him.

  “Colin!” Charlie screeched. Vince looked over and saw a school friend of Charlie’s from last year. Colin and Charlie had been on a few play dates together, but since they no longer had the same teacher, they didn’t see much of each other anymore. Angela switched seats with Charlie so he could chat with his friend.

  “You already know my daddy and this is my Angela,” Charlie explained. “My Angela’s my stepmom which is kind of like a mommy, but not really. She married my daddy.”
>
  Colin leaned forward and eyed up Angela, had no problem, then looked at Vince, who had given Colin’s parents a wave and now pretended to focus on the occasional colorful fish that passed below them. “How come your daddy looks so weird—”

  “Colin,” his mother cut him off.

  “It’s okay,” Vince said with a grin. “Kids get curious.”

  “My daddy has cancer and he’s gonna go to heaven before my birthday which is in October,” Charlie informed everyone on the boat. “And he doesn’t look weird. He’s just skinny and doesn’t have hair, right, Daddy?”

  “Right, buddy.”

  “Colin, you need to apologize, sweetheart,” the boy’s mother still said.

  “Sorry,” Colin said sheepishly.

  “It’s okay, really,” Vince said with a smile. He didn’t want any trouble. Charlie seemed excited to have found someone to play with and Vince didn’t want to deprive him of that.

  Further conversation between the families revealed that Vince, Angela, and Charlie were staying at the same hotel as Colin, his two older brothers, and their parents. The collection of marine wildlife wasn’t all that impressive and included no dolphins that day, so chatting with some other people turned out to be a nice way to pass the time. Before they knew it, the boat was docking and the two families had plans to meet on the beach after lunch.

  Colin’s parents both apologized profusely for their son’s comments, which Vince wished they would forget. The day before at the beach had inoculated him to the occasional whisper, comment, or stare, so a six-year-old’s honest view didn’t really hurt his feelings. What mattered to Vince most was that he felt healthier than he had felt in weeks, and he was out of the apartment and in the sunshine with two of the people he loved the most.

  —

  “What do you think about this?” Vince asked Angela later that evening. Charlie was showering and waiting on his father’s answer to an invitation to have a late dinner of pizza and watch a couple of movies with Colin’s family in their hotel room.

  “What do you mean?” Angela said curiously. She knelt behind Vince, who sat at the foot of their bed, and cupped his shoulders. “Are you asking if I think they’re kidnappers?” she teased, smoothing some aloe vera over his pink shoulders.

  “No, just wondering if they invited Charlie out of pity for me, but never mind. It doesn’t really matter. He can go. He’ll have fun. And we’ll get our moonlit walk on the beach after all.”

  “We will,” Angela said brightly. “Nice how that worked out, huh? Someone must be watching over us.”

  “I think you’re right. So, want to go somewhere nice for dinner?”

  “If you’re hungry,” Angela said.

  “I will be in about an hour,” Vince said, reaching for a particular pill bottle and shaking it.

  “Well, then. I’ll ask the concierge to find us a table somewhere nice where the druggies like to go.”

  —

  “I don’t think I’ve ever actually taken a long walk on the beach with anyone,” Vince realized once he and Angela stepped out into the night air after having stuffed themselves on a dinner so expensive that they almost left when they’d seen the menus.

  Though the sun was gone, the warm air had stayed with them for the most part. “You know what? Me neither.” They toed off their sandals and Vince slung an arm around Angela’s waist. Luckily, he had finally convinced her that they could walk away from the hotel without his traveling pharmacy.

  “You know,” Vince said after a nice, long moment where the only noise was produced by the waves answering to the moon, “when Charlie said he wanted to go to the beach, I almost wanted to tell him to give us another option.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t,” Angela said, squeezing Vince’s side.

  “Me too. Not only have we had a nice time, but I bet if I would’ve prompted him to think it through any further, you-know-what-World would’ve come up, and all the marijuana in the world wouldn’t make that place tolerable.”

  Angela snickered and curled her toes around the granules of sand as they meandered farther from their hotel. “I’m honestly surprised the trip has gone so well, health-wise. And beyond thankful. I think we all really needed this. Charlie especially loves that you have more energy.”

  “He loves it? I love it,” Vince said. “I could finally pick him up again,” he murmured. He steered the two of them closer to the tide, wanting to feel the liberating water rush over his feet again.

  “Looks like Charlie knew what he was doing when he picked the beach, then,” Angela quipped, twisting her neck for a kiss that didn’t interrupt their stride.

  Vince smiled and looked behind them. Their sandals were probably a quarter mile behind them by now, as were any fellow beachgoers. They now wandered past the last hotel on this stretch of beach. “Wanna go in here?” he asked, cocking his head toward the water that teased their toes every few seconds.

  “If I’d’ve known we were actually going swimming, I would’ve brought a suit, but sure.”

  They eased their way into the ocean together in their clothes, fighting off an initial chill in the water that hadn’t gotten the warm April memo. It had been much easier to get used to when the sun had still been up.

  “Ahh, much better,” Angela said once she was in almost up to her shoulders. The ends of her hair were wet, which annoyed her, so she submerged her whole head. When she resurfaced and wiped the water from her brow, Vince was waiting right in front of her. She smiled and lay her hands out to her sides on the water, letting them glide over the surface. “Aww, you got your hair wet, too,” she teased, pinching a bit of his beard between her fingers and giving it a tug.

  “Come here,” Vince said with a serene smile, sliding his hands down her arms until he found her sprawled fingers. They linked with his own and he pulled her close, muttering that he loved her. She returned the sentiment before their lips finally locked. Distracted by the kiss, Angela hadn’t noticed where Vince’s hands had traveled. Therefore, she didn’t expect him to grasp the backs of her thighs and pick her up with ease. Instantly she locked her legs around him and took away her lips.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, amused and amazed at the same time.

  “Picking you up, what does it look like?”

  Angela stabilized herself. “You sure I’m not too heavy?”

  “Not that any husband is ever allowed to answer that question honestly,” Vince pointed out, “but trust me, it’s like picking up a bag of groceries, that’s it. We’re in so deep you hardly weigh a thing.”

  “Mm-kay,” Angela said, giggling and pressing her lips to Vince’s again. Though she told herself that every moment with Vince was perfect in its own way, this was the first time in weeks that she’d really believed herself.

  “Still good?” Angela asked, resting her cheek against Vince’s.

  “Still good.”

  “Just out of curiosity,” Angela started, feeling playful, “what’s in that grocery bag?”

  “Hmm…Some buns…”

  Angela cackled. “And a couple of jugs of milk?” she added with a quieter giggle that came quite close to turning into a snort.

  Vince’s laughter rang even more loudly than Angela’s, prompting him to bury his face in the crook of her neck in mild embarrassment. It took them both a good minute to collect themselves and slip back into a kiss that obscured their sense of time. When Vince needed a clearheaded moment to relocate his center of gravity, he pulled away and opened his eyes, surprised he had remained standing so long.

  “This is what other people don’t understand,” Angela said poignantly, setting her cheek to Vince’s again and fishing through the water for one of his hands that he didn’t really need anyway. She was balancing her own weight quite easily.

  “What do you mean?” Vince asked. He waited for Angela to draw back a little and show her face to him by the light of the nearly full moon.

  Angela grew serious and touched her nose to his. “I
don’t think they understand how we can have moments like this. They think it’s always about the…other stuff, the bad stuff, the depressing stuff,” she said, “but it’s not. It’s this, too. I love our little moments like this, where we forget about everything else. Granted, I don’t know how we’re going to top this one now—”

  “We’ll find a way,” Vince reassured her. He didn’t kiss her again right away, wanting to make sure she was done talking first; when he sensed she was finished, he’d forgotten all about kissing her. All that interested him now was the outline of her face and the feel of her hanging on to him, still depending on him in some way.

  A few moments later, a wave not as gentle as the others rudely hit them just right so that Vince lost his footing and they both half-tumbled into the water. They came back to the surface laughing and sputtering. “Sorry,” Vince said between chuckles.

  “I think that’s the ocean’s way of telling us we’re too cheesy or something,” Angela said, coughing.

  “No, I think it’s its way of telling us we should hit up the hot tub,” Vince countered, offering her a hand.

  She shook her head. “Uh-uh. I want a piggy-back ride. Just for a couple seconds.”