The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  Aid me also, Phoebus, god of Delos, who reignest on the cragged peaks of Cynthia; and thou, happy virgin, to whom the Lydian damsels offer pompous sacrifice in a temple of gold; and thou, goddess of our country, Athené, armed with the aegis, the protectress of Athens; and thou, who, surrounded by the Bacchanals of Delphi, roamest over the rocks of Parnassus shaking the flame of thy resinous torch, thou, Bacchus, the god of revel and joy.

  As we were preparing to come here, we were hailed by the Moon and were charged to wish joy and happiness both to the Athenians and to their allies; further, she said that she was enraged and that you treated her very shamefully, her, who does not pay you in words alone, but who renders you all real benefits. Firstly, thanks to her, you save at least a drachma each month for lights, for each, as he is leaving home at night, says, “Slave, buy no torches, for the moonlight is beautiful,” — not to name a thousand other benefits. Nevertheless you do not reckon the days correctly and your calendar is naught but confusion. Consequently the gods load her with threats each time they get home and are disappointed of their meal, because the festival has not been kept in the regular order of time. When you should be sacrificing, you are putting to the torture or administering justice. And often, we others, the gods, are fasting in token of mourning for the death of Memnon or Sarpedon, while you are devoting yourselves to joyous libations. ’Tis for this, that last year, when the lot would have invested Hyperbolus with the duty of Amphictyon, we took his crown from him, to teach him that time must be divided according to the phases of the moon.

  SOCRATES. By Respiration, the Breath of Life! By Chaos! By the Air! I have never seen a man so gross, so inept, so stupid, so forgetful. All the little quibbles, which I teach him, he forgets even before he has learnt them. Yet I will not give it up, I will make him come out here into the open air. Where are you, Strepsiades? Come, bring your couch out here.

  STREPSIADES. But the bugs will not allow me to bring it.

  SOCRATES. Have done with such nonsense! place it there and pay attention.

  STREPSIADES. Well, here I am.

  SOCRATES. Good! Which science of all those you have never been taught, do you wish to learn first? The measures, the rhythms or the verses?

  STREPSIADES. Why, the measures; the flour dealer cheated me out of two choenixes the other day.

  SOCRATES. ’Tis not about that I ask you, but which, according to you, is the best measure, the trimeter or the tetrameter?

  STREPSIADES. The one I prefer is the semisextarius.

  SOCRATES. You talk nonsense, my good fellow.

  STREPSIADES. I will wager your tetrameter is the semisextarius.

  SOCRATES. Plague seize the dunce and the fool! Come, perchance you will learn the rhythms quicker.

  STREPSIADES. Will the rhythms supply me with food?

  SOCRATES. First they will help you to be pleasant in company, then to know what is meant by oenoplian rhythm and what by the dactylic.

  STREPSIADES. Of the dactyl? I know that quite well.

  SOCRATES. What is it then?

  STREPSIADES. Why, ’tis this finger; formerly, when a child, I used this one.

  SOCRATES. You are as low-minded as you are stupid.

  STREPSIADES. But, wretched man, I do not want to learn all this.

  SOCRATES. Then what do you want to know?

  STREPSIADES. Not that, not that, but the art of false reasoning.

  SOCRATES. But you must first learn other things. Come, what are the male quadrupeds?

  STREPSIADES. Oh! I know the males thoroughly. Do you take me for a fool then? The ram, the buck, the bull, the dog, the pigeon.

  SOCRATES. Do you see what you are doing; is not the female pigeon called the same as the male?

  STREPSIADES. How else? Come now?

  SOCRATES. How else? With you then ’tis pigeon and pigeon!

  STREPSIADES. ’Tis true, by Posidon! but what names do you want me to give them?

  SOCRATES. Term the female pigeonnette and the male pigeon.

  STREPSIADES. Pigeonnette! hah! by the Air! That’s splendid! for that lesson bring out your kneading-trough and I will fill him with flour to the brim.

  SOCRATES. There you are wrong again; you make trough masculine and it should be feminine.

  STREPSIADES. What? if I say him, do I make the trough masculine?

  SOCRATES. Assuredly! would you not say him for Cleonymus?

  STREPSIADES. Well?

  SOCRATES. Then trough is of the same gender as Cleonymus?

  STREPSIADES. Oh! good sir! Cleonymus never had a kneading-trough; he used a round mortar for the purpose. But come, tell me what I should say?

  SOCRATES. For trough you should say her as you would for Sostraté.

  STREPSIADES. Her?

  SOCRATES. In this manner you make it truly female.

  STREPSIADES. That’s it! Her for trough and her for Cleonymus.

  SOCRATES. Now I must teach you to distinguish the masculine proper names from those that are feminine.

  STREPSIADES. Ah! I know the female names well.

  SOCRATES. Name some then.

  STREPSIADES. Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora, Demetria.

  SOCRATES. And what are masculine names?

  STREPSIADES. They are countless — Philoxenus, Melesias, Amynias.

  SOCRATES. But, wretched man, the last two are not masculine.

  STREPSIADES. You do not reckon them masculine?

  SOCRATES. Not at all. If you met Amynias, how would you hail him?

  STREPSIADES. How? Why, I should shout, “Hi! hither, Amynia!”

  SOCRATES. Do you see? ’tis a female name that you give him.

  STREPSIADES. And is it not rightly done, since he refuses military service? But what use is there in learning what we all know?

  SOCRATES. You know nothing about it. Come, lie down there.

  STREPSIADES. What for?

  SOCRATES. Ponder awhile over matters that interest you.

  STREPSIADES. Oh! I pray you, not there! but, if I must lie down and ponder, let me lie on the ground.

  SOCRATES. ’Tis out of the question. Come! on to the couch!

  STREPSIADES. What cruel fate! What a torture the bugs will this day put me to!

  SOCRATES. Ponder and examine closely, gather your thoughts together, let your mind turn to every side of things; if you meet with a difficulty, spring quickly to some other idea; above all, keep your eyes away from all gentle sleep.

  STREPSIADES. Oh, woe, woe! oh, woe, woe!

  SOCRATES. What ails you? why do you cry so?

  STREPSIADES. Oh! I am a dead man! Here are these cursed Corinthians advancing upon me from all corners of the couch; they are biting me, they are gnawing at my sides, they are drinking all my blood, they are twitching off my testicles, they are exploring all up my back, they are killing me!

  SOCRATES. Not so much wailing and clamour, if you please.

  STREPSIADES. How can I obey? I have lost my money and my complexion, my blood and my slippers, and to cap my misery, I must keep awake on this couch, when scarce a breath of life is left in me.

  SOCRATES. Well now! what are you doing? are you reflecting?

  STREPSIADES. Yes, by Posidon!

  SOCRATES. What about?

  STREPSIADES. Whether the bugs will not entirely devour me.

  SOCRATES. May death seize you, accursed man!

  STREPSIADES. Ah! it has already.

  SOCRATES. Come, no giving way! Cover up your head; the thing to do is to find an ingenious alternative.

  STREPSIADES. An alternative! ah! I only wish one would come to me from within these coverlets!

  SOCRATES. Hold! let us see what our fellow is doing. Ho! you! are you asleep?

  STREPSIADES. No, by Apollo!

  SOCRATES. Have you got hold of anything?

  STREPSIADES. No, nothing whatever.

  SOCRATES. Nothing at all!

  STREPSIADES. No, nothing but my tool, which I’ve got in my hand.

  SOCRATES. Are you not going
to cover your head immediately and ponder?

  STREPSIADES. Over what? Come, Socrates, tell me.

  SOCRATES. Think first what you want, and then tell me.

  STREPSIADES. But I have told you a thousand times what I want. ’Tis not to pay any of my creditors.

  SOCRATES. Come, wrap yourself up; concentrate your mind, which wanders too lightly, study every detail, scheme and examine thoroughly.

  STREPSIADES. Oh, woe! woe! oh dear! oh dear!

  SOCRATES. Keep yourself quiet, and if any notion troubles you, put it quickly aside, then resume it and think over it again.

  STREPSIADES. My dear little Socrates!

  SOCRATES. What is it, old greybeard?

  STREPSIADES. I have a scheme for not paying my debts.

  SOCRATES. Let us hear it.

  STREPSIADES. Tell me, if I purchased a Thessalian witch, I could make the moon descend during the night and shut it, like a mirror, into a round box and there keep it carefully….

  SOCRATES. How would you gain by that?

  STREPSIADES. How? Why, if the moon did not rise, I would have no interest to pay.

  SOCRATES. Why so?

  STREPSIADES. Because money is lent by the month.

  SOCRATES. Good! but I am going to propose another trick to you. If you were condemned to pay five talents, how would you manage to quash that verdict? Tell me.

  STREPSIADES. How? how? I don’t know, I must think.

  SOCRATES. Do you always shut your thoughts within yourself. Let your ideas fly in the air, like a may-bug, tied by the foot with a thread.

  STREPSIADES. I have found a very clever way to annul that conviction; you will admit that much yourself.

  SOCRATES. What is it?

  STREPSIADES. Have you ever seen a beautiful, transparent stone at the druggists, with which you may kindle fire?

  SOCRATES. You mean a crystal lens.

  STREPSIADES. Yes.

  SOCRATES. Well, what then?

  STREPSIADES. If I placed myself with this stone in the sun and a long way off from the clerk, while he was writing out the conviction, I could make all the wax, upon which the words were written, melt.

  SOCRATES. Well thought out, by the Graces!

  STREPSIADES. Ah! I am delighted to have annulled the decree that was to cost me five talents.

  SOCRATES. Come, take up this next question quickly.

  STREPSIADES. Which?

  SOCRATES. If, when summoned to court, you were in danger of losing your case for want of witnesses, how would you make the conviction fall upon your opponent?

  STREPSIADES. ’Tis very simple and most easy.

  SOCRATES. Let me hear.

  STREPSIADES. This way. If another case had to be pleaded before mine was called, I should run and hang myself.

  SOCRATES. You talk rubbish!

  STREPSIADES. Not so, by the gods! if I was dead, no action could lie against me.

  SOCRATES. You are merely beating the air. Begone! I will give you no more lessons.

  STREPSIADES. Why not? Oh! Socrates! in the name of the gods!

  SOCRATES. But you forget as fast as you learn. Come, what was the thing I taught you first? Tell me.

  STREPSIADES. Ah! let me see. What was the first thing? What was it then? Ah! that thing in which we knead the bread, oh! my god! what do you call it?

  SOCRATES. Plague take the most forgetful and silliest of old addlepates!

  STREPSIADES. Alas! what a calamity! what will become of me? I am undone if I do not learn how to ply my tongue. Oh! Clouds! give me good advice.

  CHORUS. Old man, we counsel you, if you have brought up a son, to send him to learn in your stead.

  STREPSIADES. Undoubtedly I have a son, as well endowed as the best, but he is unwilling to learn. What will become of me?

  CHORUS. And you don’t make him obey you?

  STREPSIADES. You see, he is big and strong; moreover, through his mother he is a descendant of those fine birds, the race of Coesyra. Nevertheless, I will go and find him, and if he refuses, I will turn him out of the house. Go in, Socrates, and wait for me awhile.

  CHORUS (to Socrates). Do you understand, that, thanks to us, you will be loaded with benefits? Here is a man, ready to obey you in all things. You see how he is carried away with admiration and enthusiasm. Profit by it to clip him as short as possible; fine chances are all too quickly gone.

  STREPSIADES. No, by the Clouds! you stay no longer here; go and devour the ruins of your uncle Megacles’ fortune.

  PHIDIPPIDES. Oh! my poor father! what has happened to you? By the

  Olympian Zeus! you are no longer in your senses!

  STREPSIADES. See! see! “the Olympian Zeus.” Oh! the fool! to believe in

  Zeus at your age!

  PHIDIPPIDES. What is there in that to make you laugh?

  STREPSIADES. You are then a tiny little child, if you credit such antiquated rubbish! But come here, that I may teach you; I will tell you something very necessary to know to be a man; but you will not repeat it to anybody.

  PHIDIPPIDES. Come, what is it?

  STREPSIADES. Just now you swore by Zeus.

  PHIDIPPIDES. Aye, that I did.

  STREPSIADES. Do you see how good it is to learn? Phidippides, there is no

  Zeus.

  PHIDIPPIDES. What is there then?

  STREPSIADES. ’Tis the Whirlwind, that has driven out Jupiter and is King now.

  PHIDIPPIDES. Go to! what drivel!

  STREPSIADES. Know it to be the truth.

  PHIDIPPIDES. And who says so?

  STREPSIADES. ’Tis Socrates, the Melian, and Chaerephon, who knows how to measure the jump of a flea.

  PHIDIPPIDES. Have you reached such a pitch of madness that you believe those bilious fellows?

  STREPSIADES. Use better language, and do not insult men who are clever and full of wisdom, who, to economize, are never shaved, shun the gymnasia and never go to the baths, while you, you only await my death to eat up my wealth. But come, come as quickly as you can to learn in my stead.

  PHIDIPPIDES. And what good can be learnt of them?

  STREPSIADES. What good indeed? Why, all human knowledge. Firstly, you will know yourself grossly ignorant. But await me here awhile.

  PHIDIPPIDES. Alas! what is to be done? My father has lost his wits. Must

  I have him certificated for lunacy, or must I order his coffin?

  STREPSIADES. Come! what kind of bird is this? tell me.

  PHIDIPPIDES. A pigeon.

  STREPSIADES. Good! And this female?

  PHIDIPPIDES. A pigeon.

  STREPSIADES. The same for both? You make me laugh! For the future you will call this one a pigeonnette and the other a pigeon.

  PHIDIPPIDES. A pigeonnette! These then are the fine things you have just learnt at the school of these sons of the Earth!

  STREPSIADES. And many others; but what I learnt I forgot at once, because

  I am too old.

  PHIDIPPIDES. So this is why you have lost your cloak?

  STREPSIADES. I have not lost it, I have consecrated it to Philosophy.

  PHIDIPPIDES. And what have you done with your sandals, you poor fool?

  STREPSIADES. If I have lost them, it is for what was necessary, just as Pericles did. But come, move yourself, let us go in; if necessary, do wrong to obey your father. When you were six years old and still lisped, ’twas I who obeyed you. I remember at the feasts of Zeus you had a consuming wish for a little chariot and I bought it for you with the first obolus which I received as a juryman in the Courts.

  PHIDIPPIDES. You will soon repent of what you ask me to do.

  STREPSIADES. Oh! now I am happy! He obeys. Here, Socrates, here! Come out quick! Here I am bringing you my son; he refused, but I have persuaded him.

  SOCRATES. Why, he is but a child yet. He is not used to these baskets, in which we suspend our minds.

  PHIDIPPIDES. To make you better used to them, I would you were hung.

  STREPSIADES. A curse upon you! you insu
lt your master!

  SOCRATES. “I would you were hung!” What a stupid speech! and so emphatically spoken! How can one ever get out of an accusation with such a tone, summon witnesses or touch or convince? And yet when we think, Hyperbolus learnt all this for one talent!

  STREPSIADES. Rest undisturbed and teach him. ’Tis a most intelligent nature. Even when quite little he amused himself at home with making houses, carving boats, constructing little chariots of leather, and understood wonderfully how to make frogs out of pomegranate rinds. Teach him both methods of reasoning, the strong and also the weak, which by false arguments triumphs over the strong; if not the two, at least the false, and that in every possible way.

  SOCRATES. ’Tis Just and Unjust Discourse themselves that shall instruct him.

  STREPSIADES. I go, but forget it not, he must always, always be able to confound the true.

  JUST DISCOURSE. Come here! Shameless as you may be, will you dare to show your face to the spectators?

  UNJUST DISCOURSE. Take me where you list. I seek a throng, so that I may the better annihilate you.

  JUST DISCOURSE. Annihilate me! Do you forget who you are?

  UNJUST DISCOURSE. I am Reasoning.

  JUST DISCOURSE. Yes, the weaker Reasoning.

  UNJUST DISCOURSE. But I triumph over you, who claim to be the stronger.

  JUST DISCOURSE. By what cunning shifts, pray?

  UNJUST DISCOURSE. By the invention of new maxims.

  JUST DISCOURSE. … which are received with favour by these fools.

  UNJUST DISCOURSE. Say rather, by these wiseacres.

  JUST DISCOURSE. I am going to destroy you mercilessly.

  UNJUST DISCOURSE. How pray? Let us see you do it.

  JUST DISCOURSE. By saying what is true.

  UNJUST DISCOURSE. I shall retort and shall very soon have the better of you. First, I maintain that justice has no existence.

  JUST DISCOURSE. Has no existence?

  UNJUST DISCOURSE. No existence! Why, where are they?

  JUST DISCOURSE. With the gods.

  UNJUST DISCOURSE. How then, if justice exists, was Zeus not put to death for having put his father in chains?

  JUST DISCOURSE. Bah! this is enough to turn my stomach! A basin, quick!