The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  PISTHETAERUS. Can you see any bird?

  EUELPIDES. By Phoebus, no! and yet I am straining my eyesight to scan the sky.

  PISTHETAERUS. ’Twas really not worth Epops’ while to go and bury himself in the thicket like a plover when a-hatching.

  PHOENICOPTERUS. Torotina, torotina.

  PISTHETAERUS. Hold, friend, here is another bird.

  EUELPIDES. I’ faith, yes! ’tis a bird, but of what kind? Isn’t it a peacock?

  PISTHETAERUS. Epops will tell us. What is this bird?

  EPOPS. ’Tis not one of those you are used to seeing; ’tis a bird from the marshes.

  PISTHETAERUS. Oh! oh! but he is very handsome with his wings as crimson as flame.

  EPOPS. Undoubtedly; indeed he is called flamingo.

  EUELPIDES. Hi! I say! You!

  PISTHETAERUS. What are you shouting for?

  EUELPIDES. Why, here’s another bird.

  PISTHETAERUS. Aye, indeed; ’tis a foreign bird too. What is this bird from beyond the mountains with a look as solemn as it is stupid?

  EPOPS. He is called the Mede.

  PISTHETAERUS. The Mede! But, by Heracles! how, if a Mede, has he flown here without a camel?

  EUELPIDES. Here’s another bird with a crest.

  PISTHETAERUS. Ah! that’s curious. I say, Epops, you are not the only one of your kind then?

  EPOPS. This bird is the son of Philocles, who is the son of Epops; so that, you see, I am his grandfather; just as one might say, Hipponicus, the son of Callias, who is the son of Hipponicus.

  PISTHETAERUS. Then this bird is Callias! Why, what a lot of his feathers he has lost!

  EPOPS. That’s because he is honest; so the informers set upon him and the women too pluck out his feathers.

  PISTHETAERUS. By Posidon, do you see that many-coloured bird? What is his name?

  EPOPS. This one? ’Tis the glutton.

  PISTHETAERUS. Is there another glutton besides Cleonymus? But why, if he is Cleonymus, has he not thrown away his crest? But what is the meaning of all these crests? Have these birds come to contend for the double stadium prize?

  EPOPS. They are like the Carians, who cling to the crests of their mountains for greater safety.

  PISTHETAERUS. Oh, Posidon! do you see what swarms of birds are gathering here?

  EUELPIDES. By Phoebus! what a cloud! The entrance to the stage is no longer visible, so closely do they fly together.

  PISTHETAERUS. Here is the partridge.

  EUELPIDES. Faith! there is the francolin.

  PISTHETAERUS. There is the poachard.

  EUELPIDES. Here is the kingfisher. And over yonder?

  EPOPS. ’Tis the barber.

  EUELPIDES. What? a bird a barber?

  PISTHETAERUS. Why, Sporgilus is one. Here comes the owl.

  EUELPIDES. And who is it brings an owl to Athens?

  PISTHETAERUS. Here is the magpie, the turtle-dove, the swallow, the horned owl, the buzzard, the pigeon, the falcon, the ring-dove, the cuckoo, the red-foot, the red-cap, the purple-cap, the kestrel, the diver, the ousel, the osprey, the wood-pecker.

  EUELPIDES. Oh! oh! what a lot of birds! what a quantity of blackbirds! how they scold, how they come rushing up! What a noise! what a noise! Can they be bearing us ill-will? Oh! there! there! they are opening their beaks and staring at us.

  PISTHETAERUS. Why, so they are.

  CHORUS. Popopopopopopopoi. Where is he who called me? Where am I to find him?

  EPOPS. I have been waiting for you this long while; I never fail in my word to my friends.

  CHORUS. Titititititititi. What good thing have you to tell me?

  EPOPS. Something that concerns our common safety, and that is just as pleasant as it is to the purpose. Two men, who are subtle reasoners, have come here to seek me.

  CHORUS. Where? What? What are you saying?

  EPOPS. I say, two old men have come from the abode of men to propose a vast and splendid scheme to us.

  CHORUS. Oh! ’tis a horrible, unheard-of crime! What are you saying?

  EPOPS. Nay! never let my words scare you.

  CHORUS. What have you done then?

  EPOPS. I have welcomed two men, who wish to live with us.

  CHORUS. And you have dared to do that!

  EPOPS. Aye, and am delighted at having done so.

  CHORUS. Where are they?

  EPOPS. In your midst, as I am.

  CHORUS. Ah! ah! we are betrayed; ’tis sacrilege! Our friend, he who picked up corn-seeds in the same plains as ourselves, has violated our ancient laws; he has broken the oaths that bind all birds; he has laid a snare for me, he has handed us over to the attacks of that impious race which, throughout all time, has never ceased to war against us. As for this traitorous bird, we will decide his case later, but the two old men shall be punished forthwith; we are going to tear them to pieces.

  PISTHETAERUS. ’Tis all over with us.

  EUELPIDES. You are the sole cause of all our trouble. Why did you bring me from down yonder?

  PISTHETAERUS. To have you with me.

  EUELPIDES. Say rather to have me melt into tears.

  PISTHETAERUS. Go to! you are talking nonsense.

  EUELPIDES. How so?

  PISTHETAERUS. How will you be able to cry when once your eyes are pecked out?

  CHORUS. Io! io! forward to the attack, throw yourselves upon the foe, spill his blood; take to your wings and surround them on all sides. Woe to them! let us get to work with our beaks, let us devour them. Nothing can save them from our wrath, neither the mountain forests, nor the clouds that float in the sky, nor the foaming deep. Come, peck, tear to ribbons. Where is the chief of the cohort? Let him engage the right wing.

  EUELPIDES. This is the fatal moment. Where shall I fly to, unfortunate wretch that I am?

  PISTHETAERUS. Stay! stop here!

  EUELPIDES. That they may tear me to pieces?

  PISTHETAERUS. And how do you think to escape them?

  EUELPIDES. I don’t know at all.

  PISTHETAERUS. Come, I will tell you. We must stop and fight them. Let us arm ourselves with these stew-pots.

  EUELPIDES. Why with the stew-pots?

  PISTHETAERUS. The owl will not attack us.

  EUELPIDES. But do you see all those hooked claws?

  PISTHETAERUS. Seize the spit and pierce the foe on your side.

  EUELPIDES. And how about my eyes?

  PISTHETAERUS. Protect them with this dish or this vinegar-pot.

  EUELPIDES. Oh! what cleverness! what inventive genius! You are a great general, even greater than Nicias, where stratagem is concerned.

  CHORUS. Forward, forward, charge with your beaks! Come, no delay. Tear, pluck, strike, flay them, and first of all smash the stew-pot.

  EPOPS. Oh, most cruel of all animals, why tear these two men to pieces, why kill them? What have they done to you? They belong to the same tribe, to the same family as my wife.

  CHORUS. Are wolves to be spared? Are they not our most mortal foes? So let us punish them.

  EPOPS. If they are your foes by nature, they are your friends in heart, and they come here to give you useful advice.

  CHORUS. Advice or a useful word from their lips, from them, the enemies of my forbears!

  EPOPS. The wise can often profit by the lessons of a foe, for caution is the mother of safety. ’Tis just such a thing as one will not learn from a friend and which an enemy compels you to know. To begin with, ’tis the foe and not the friend that taught cities to build high walls, to equip long vessels of war; and ’tis this knowledge that protects our children, our slaves and our wealth.

  CHORUS. Well then, I agree, let us first hear them, for ’tis best; one can even learn something in an enemy’s school.

  PISTHETAERUS. Their wrath seems to cool. Draw back a little.

  EPOPS. ’Tis only justice, and you will thank me later.

  CHORUS. Never have we opposed your advice up to now.

  PISTHETAERUS. They are in a more peaceful mood; put down you
r stew-pot and your two dishes; spit in hand, doing duty for a spear, let us mount guard inside the camp close to the pot and watch in our arsenal closely; for we must not fly.

  EUELPIDES. You are right. But where shall we be buried, if we die?

  PISTHETAERUS. In the Ceramicus; for, to get a public funeral, we shall tell the Strategi that we fell at Orneae, fighting the country’s foes.

  CHORUS. Return to your ranks and lay down your courage beside your wrath as the Hoplites do. Then let us ask these men who they are, whence they come, and with what intent. Here, Epops, answer me.

  EPOPS. Are you calling me? What do you want of me?

  CHORUS. Who are they? From what country?

  EPOPS. Strangers, who have come from Greece, the land of the wise.

  CHORUS. And what fate has led them hither to the land of the birds?

  EPOPS. Their love for you and their wish to share your kind of life; to dwell and remain with you always.

  CHORUS. Indeed, and what are their plans?

  EPOPS. They are wonderful, incredible, unheard of.

  CHORUS. Why, do they think to see some advantage that determines them to settle here? Are they hoping with our help to triumph over their foes or to be useful to their friends?

  EPOPS. They speak of benefits so great it is impossible either to describe or conceive them; all shall be yours, all that we see here, there, above and below us; this they vouch for.

  CHORUS. Are they mad?

  EPOPS. They are the sanest people in the world.

  CHORUS. Clever men?

  EPOPS. The slyest of foxes, cleverness its very self, men of the world, cunning, the cream of knowing folk.

  CHORUS. Tell them to speak and speak quickly; why, as I listen to you, I am beside myself with delight.

  EPOPS. Here, you there, take all these weapons and hang them up inside close to the fire, near the figure of the god who presides there and under his protection; as for you, address the birds, tell them why I have gathered them together.

  PISTHETAERUS. Not I, by Apollo, unless they agree with me as the little ape of an armourer agreed with his wife, not to bite me, nor pull me by the testicles, nor shove things up my….

  CHORUS. You mean the…. (Puts finger to bottom.) Oh! be quite at ease.

  PISTHETAERUS. No, I mean my eyes.

  CHORUS. Agreed.

  PISTHETAERUS. Swear it.

  CHORUS. I swear it and, if I keep my promise, let judges and spectators give me the victory unanimously.

  PISTHETAERUS. It is a bargain.

  CHORUS. And if I break my word, may I succeed by one vote only.

  HERALD. Hearken, ye people! Hoplites, pick up your weapons and return to your firesides; do not fail to read the decrees of dismissal we have posted.

  CHORUS. Man is a truly cunning creature, but nevertheless explain. Perhaps you are going to show me some good way to extend my power, some way that I have not had the wit to find out and which you have discovered. Speak! ’tis to your own interest as well as to mine, for if you secure me some advantage, I will surely share it with you. But what object can have induced you to come among us? Speak boldly, for I shall not break the truce, — until you have told us all.

  PISTHETAERUS. I am bursting with desire to speak; I have already mixed the dough of my address and nothing prevents me from kneading it…. Slave! bring the chaplet and water, which you must pour over my hands. Be quick!

  EUELPIDES. Is it a question of feasting? What does it all mean?

  PISTHETAERUS. By Zeus, no! but I am hunting for fine, tasty words to break down the hardness of their hearts. — I grieve so much for you, who at one time were kings….

  CHORUS. We kings! Over whom?

  PISTHETAERUS. … of all that exists, firstly of me and of this man, even of Zeus himself. Your race is older than Saturn, the Titans and the Earth.

  CHORUS. What, older than the Earth!

  PISTHETAERUS. By Phoebus, yes.

  CHORUS. By Zeus, but I never knew that before!

  PISTHETAERUS. ’Tis because you are ignorant and heedless, and have never read your Aesop. ’Tis he who tells us that the lark was born before all other creatures, indeed before the Earth; his father died of sickness, but the Earth did not exist then; he remained unburied for five days, when the bird in its dilemma decided, for want of a better place, to entomb its father in its own head.

  EUELPIDES. So that the lark’s father is buried at Cephalae.

  EPOPS. Hence, if we existed before the Earth, before the gods, the kingship belongs to us by right of priority.

  EUELPIDES. Undoubtedly, but sharpen your beak well; Zeus won’t be in a hurry to hand over his sceptre to the woodpecker.

  PISTHETAERUS. It was not the gods, but the birds, who were formerly the masters and kings over men; of this I have a thousand proofs. First of all, I will point you to the cock, who governed the Persians before all other monarchs, before Darius and Megabyzus. ’Tis in memory of his reign that he is called the Persian bird.

  EUELPIDES. For this reason also, even to-day, he alone of all the birds wears his tiara straight on his head, like the Great King.

  PISTHETAERUS. He was so strong, so great, so feared, that even now, on account of his ancient power, everyone jumps out of bed as soon as ever he crows at daybreak. Blacksmiths, potters, tanners, shoemakers, bathmen, corn-dealers, lyre-makers and armourers, all put on their shoes and go to work before it is daylight.

  EUELPIDES. I can tell you something anent that. ’Twas the cock’s fault that I lost a splendid tunic of Phrygian wool. I was at a feast in town, given to celebrate the birth of a child; I had drunk pretty freely and had just fallen asleep, when a cock, I suppose in a greater hurry than the rest, began to crow. I thought it was dawn and set out for Alimos. I had hardly got beyond the walls, when a footpad struck me in the back with his bludgeon; down I went and wanted to shout, but he had already made off with my mantle.

  PISTHETAERUS. Formerly also the kite was ruler and king over the Greeks.

  EPOPS. The Greeks?

  PISTHETAERUS. And when he was king, ’twas he who first taught them to fall on their knees before the kites.

  EUELPIDES. By Zeus! ’tis what I did myself one day on seeing a kite; but at the moment I was on my knees, and leaning backwards with mouth agape, I bolted an obolus and was forced to carry my bag home empty.

  PISTHETAERUS. The cuckoo was king of Egypt and of the whole of Phoenicia. When he called out “cuckoo,” all the Phoenicians hurried to the fields to reap their wheat and their barley.

  EUELPIDES. Hence no doubt the proverb, “Cuckoo! cuckoo! go to the fields, ye circumcised.”

  PISTHETAERUS. So powerful were the birds, that the kings of Grecian cities, Agamemnon, Menelaus, for instance, carried a bird on the tip of their sceptres, who had his share of all presents.

  EUELPIDES. That I didn’t know and was much astonished when I saw Priam come upon the stage in the tragedies with a bird, which kept watching Lysicrates to see if he got any present.

  PISTHETAERUS. But the strongest proof of all is, that Zeus, who now reigns, is represented as standing with an eagle on his head as a symbol of his royalty; his daughter has an owl, and Phoebus, as his servant, has a hawk.

  EUELPIDES. By Demeter, ’tis well spoken. But what are all these birds doing in heaven?

  PISTHETAERUS. When anyone sacrifices and, according to the rite, offers the entrails to the gods, these birds take their share before Zeus. Formerly the men always swore by birds and never by the gods; even now Lampon swears by the goose, when he wants to lie…. Thus ’tis clear that you were great and sacred, but now you are looked upon as slaves, as fools, as Helots; stones are thrown at you as at raving madmen, even in holy places. A crowd of bird-catchers sets snares, traps, limed-twigs and nets of all sorts for you; you are caught, you are sold in heaps and the buyers finger you over to be certain you are fat. Again, if they would but serve you up simply roasted; but they rasp cheese into a mixture of oil, vinegar and laserwort, to which another s
weet and greasy sauce is added, and the whole is poured scalding hot over your back, for all the world as if you were diseased meat.

  CHORUS. Man, your words have made my heart bleed; I have groaned over the treachery of our fathers, who knew not how to transmit to us the high rank they held from their forefathers. But ’tis a benevolent Genius, a happy Fate, that sends you to us; you shall be our deliverer and I place the destiny of my little ones and my own in your hands with every confidence. But hasten to tell me what must be done; we should not be worthy to live, if we did not seek to regain our royalty by every possible means,

  PISTHETAERUS. First I advise that the birds gather together in one city and that they build a wall of great bricks, like that at Babylon, round the plains of the air and the whole region of space that divides earth from heaven.

  EPOPS. Oh, Cebriones! oh, Porphyrion! what a terribly strong place!

  PISTHETAERUS. This, this being well done and completed, you demand back the empire from Zeus; if he will not agree, if he refuses and does not at once confess himself beaten, you declare a sacred war against him and forbid the gods henceforward to pass through your country with standing organ, as hitherto, for the purpose of fondling their Alcmenas, their Alopés, or their Semelés; if they try to pass through, you infibulate them with rings so that they can fuck no longer. You send another messenger to mankind, who will proclaim to them that the birds are kings, that for the future they must first of all sacrifice to them, and only afterwards to the gods; that it is fitting to appoint to each deity the bird that has most in common with it. For instance, are they sacrificing to Aphrodité, let them at the same time offer barley to the coot; are they immolating a sheep to Posidon, let them consecrate wheat in honour of the duck; is a steer being offered to Heracles, let honey-cakes be dedicated to the gull; is a goat being slain for King Zeus, there is a King-Bird, the wren, to whom the sacrifice of a male gnat is due before Zeus himself even.