Slow to Grow

by Lonny Cyrelle

  Chapter

  He was finally released on Friday, four days after being entered into the hospital. It was the longest he had been ever been confined inside and he cherished his first gasps of non sterile air. By now word of his incarceration had spread and he started getting multiple sympathy calls, with people fumbling over which to mention first, his mom=s death or his hospitalization. He found his predicament so ridiculous that all he could do was laugh. The word surreal kept coming up over and over.

  That night they met Mike and Steve for dinner, and as Becky pulled up to the restaurant Lloyd saw the two of them approaching. He made her pull over and come over and escort him out of the car like he was infirm. She rushed over to his side and as she helped him out of the car he collapsed to the ground. Becky then lifted him an put an arm around him and dragged him up to them. They were in hysterics. It was his way of lightening the mood and it worked.

  The funeral was in two days, and he had yet to finish the eulogy. It was a daunting task. Merrill Kulligan wasn=t easily summed up in a neat package. He wasn=t sure how to go about it, until his father told him to Acapture@ her. That made it click in his head and he set about to do so. It was not an easy task, and Becky told him not to be nervous. He didn=t understand what she meant, in that writing didn=t make him nervous. She was transferring her fears onto him. It was the public speaking part that freaked her out. Lloyd looked forward to it. He had given speeches before as part of his job and he actually looked forward to it. He wanted to honor his mother and he embraced the challenge. He wanted his father and family also to be proud. He wanted to be clutch, like a ballplayer with the bases loaded and two outs in the bottom of the ninth. He wasn=t going to be a choker.

  Since the night he last talked to his mother on the phone, Lloyd had not cried. Not once. Didn=t even feel like it. He was flummoxed at that. Neither had his dad. He had never thought he would be able to deal with the death of his mother so nonchalantly. His only theory was that they had watched her deteriorate over the course of two years and that they were grieving as the time went along. Nathan Kulligan had presided over her through the worst, and he felt a sense of relief. She was not suffering anymore. Lloyd felt that way too. It was harder for Ellen, but even she was hanging tough.

 

  They wanted to do one last thing to honor her memory. They came up with putting a gardenia in her coffin. It was her favorite flower and they thought that would be a perfect thing they could do for her. Easier said than done. No flower shops had any, and the only way they could get one was to order one over the internet. That wasn=t going to happen. They were about to give up until they had a brainstorm.

  Ellen and Lloyd remembered how she would snip (steal, whatever) gardenias from plants in botanic gardens and pocket them. It was not the most noble of deeds, but thought of no better to honor her and they decided they would purloin one in her memory.

  There was one botanic garden in the area and off they went. The lady at the information desk couldn=t have been nicer as she directed them to the gardenia plants. Lloyd and his sister entered the greenhouse and after some searching they found the most beautiful gardenia they had ever seen. Singular. One gardenia was perched about 9 feet up on its tree. The room was full and Lloyd and Ellen pretended to admire the many other flowers. But they needed a plan and they needed it now. And Merrill provided them one. They were sure of it. The room that was full of people not two minutes earlier was now totally empty. Without thinking Ellen jumped up on the railing, thrust herself up and in one motion yanked the gardenia off its branch and hoisted it at Lloyd. They both waited for the sirens and alarms that they knew didn=t exist to start blaring.

  They looked at each other, smiled, and sauntered off smoothly. They had pulled it off. Literally and figuratively. They did it for their Mom. So what if it was a bit nefarious. She would have loved it. It was a perfect way to honor and remember her.

  The day of the funeral was finally upon them.

  They arrived to the funeral home and Lloyd saw her casket on display right in the front of the room. That freaked him out. Becky told him he would get used to it. What=s that? Get used to the box with my dead mom in it? Ok, if you say so.

  Nathan gathered the family around and told them that they were going to put on a strong front and not show sadness, that Mom would not want it that way. He was right, and incredibly inspiring. Lloyd was determined to honor his mother and wanted the bat in his hands.

  They formed a receiving line, starting with Dad, then Ellen, Lloyd, Uncle David, Becky, Ilya, and Merrill=s caretaker Susan. The line stretched out into the street. It took almost an hour for everyone to file in. In all there were almost 300 people in attendance.

  His uncle gave a wonderful introductory speech and introduced some of her friends, who regaled the crowd with tales of how Merrill was such a huge influence on their lives and was the star of their group. It was touching and evocative.

 

  As his uncle was listening, he went into a gigantic coughing fit that would have driven Merrill mad. She had little patience for that sort of thing and neither did Lloyd, he was his mother=s son after all, and he shot his uncle an angry look.

 

  As Uncle Dave went up to introduce the next speaker, he interjected, AIf you didn=t hear, I just had a massive coughing fit, and if Merrill would have heard that, she would have killed me and this would have been my funeral too.@ It was awesome and made Lloyd laugh because it was true.

  It was now time for Lloyd to deliver the eulogy. He was ready. He looked out over the overflow crowd and stared down the pitcher.

  AI asked my dad what a eulogy is supposed to convey, and he told me, Acapture your mother.@ How do you capture, Merrill Kulligan? I could stand up here for an hour and still not finish up characterizing her. The first thing I thought of, was she was a force of nature, charging through life and taking no prisoners. She lived life on her own terms, nobody else=s. She was unequivocal in her life, her decisions and in her mind. She did not seek advice out from anyone, she made up her own mind on everything and invariably she was always right. And in those rare occasions when she wasn=t, she did not second guess herself, but I don=t ever remember her being wrong, so that last sentence was probably a misnomer.

  She was memorable, you didn=t forget who she was after you met her. She left an indelible impression on anyone who ever met her. She was fiercely intelligent, a voracious reader and as we all know, extremely opinionated. She had a sharp mind, and a razor sharp wit. She was a world traveler and a connoisseur of the arts. She was comfortable in her own skin, and had no time for deep introspection and made no apologies about it. She had zero self doubt and had total self esteem, just so sure of herself, that it went without mention. I have no question that everyone who knew her would say, that she was the most Afill in the blank@ person they have ever met. And everyone would use a different to fill in the blank.

  She was also unbelievably funny. She was the funniest person I have ever been around and made me laugh harder than anyone. The humor came in quick bursts, sometimes subtle and sometimes shocking. Again, I am sure every person in here has a Merrill story and I have a typical story of her.@

  He told the story of how the hotel wouldn=t give her scissors and how she told them that she had just given birth and needed them to cut the umbilical cord. It was just one of a million stories about her, but the crowd exploded in laughter. Somehow passing by would be shocked that all the laughter was coming from a funeral service. That was what the whole family wanted. Lloyd continued on.

  AShe was also a perfect wife to my dad. My father and her were married for 45 years, and from them, I learned what a good marriage was. They supported each other through good times and bad, and loved each other the whole time. Recently, Dad mentioned a memory he had of my mother. He was being sworn in as a federal judge and she told him that she would love him till his last breath, and he told me he vowed he would take care of her until that happened. An
d he did, without complaint, he was there, doing everything he could right until the end. The last few years have been rough, he was knocked to the canvas a lot, but he got up, fought back and has the heart of a Champion.@

  He had to pause for a second and catch his breath and tried not to cry while thinking about his father=s toughness. He gathered himself and continued on.

 

  AShe was also a perfect mother. She was always there for Ellen and I, always. Now, many of you may have called her quirky, maybe eccentric. Not to us. It was normal to us that she stayed up until 4 am reading her countless books. So while people in the neighborhood may have issued their judgments about her rolling out of bed at noon and neglecting her children, they were 100 percent wrong. She may have gone to bed at 4, but she got up at 7 to feed us and hang out with us, and send us off to school, and then she would go back to bed. She would be there when we got home from school and then we would eat together as a family every night. We were always taken care of, and never felt neglected. She felt that a mother should be at home with her children, and not working. She could have been anything she wanted and she chose to be a mother, and Ellen and I are forever indebted. Both of our bonds with her were intense and devotional. She had a nickname for me, Eddie. What is it, Eddie, she would say, when I would stare lovingly at her for whatever reasons I dit it for. And why Eddie? Well, Eddie was short for Oedipus.@

  The crowd broke up in laughter again. Because everyone knew how he was with her. Lloyd was clearing the bases.

  AShe was also The Boss. We called her the general. She planned everything and took charge of all situations. After I was married, and she was living downtown, she decided it was time for her to get a job to occupy her time. I was very opposed to it, the thought of my mom being bossed around by someone else made me queasy. No one bosses Mom around. I didn=t like it. She got a job at the hardware store, and a few weeks in I went to visit her, and saw the owners, two very nice men, and they saw me and said, Aare you looking for the boss? She=s back there, we are worried she is going to fire us soon.@ More laughter. It was like he was doing a comedy routine.

  AI would be remiss in not mentioning how rough the last few years have been on her and everyone who knows her. The recurrence of her breast cancer knocked her pretty good and she never fully recovered. I want to address all of her friends and family who did not get the chance to see her again. We wanted her to see people and she refused. She didn=t want people to see her in her condition. Once again, that was her being true to her convictions, and in some way I hope you all can twist that into a fond memory of Merrill being Merrill. I do want to let everyone know that she still had her wicked sense of humor all the way until the end. About a week ago my uncle told her that she could rest and could go peacefully. She turned her head to look at him and whispered, NO.@ The crowd reacted again, and Lloyd felt confident he was conveying his mother as best he could.

  This wasn=t about him. He was glad there were laughs, but not for his sake, he hoped he was evoking memories of Merrill for everyone in the audience.

  He had thought about the ending for awhile and he got ready to deliver it.

  AAs I deliver this eulogy I can hear her voice in my head right now. She is making a snoring noise, telling me to Wrap it up, and that the ultercochers are all starting to drift off.

  I love you momma. You have left a hole in our hearts.@

  The crowd murmured when he was done and he got the feeling they wanted to clap. He rounded the bases and touched home plate. He had hit a grand slam. It was all for his mommy. As he walked down from the dais he made eye contact with his dad who gave him a subtle thumbs up. His uncle=s mouth was agape in awe, and Becky had a look of pride in him that he saw about once every ten years.

  The easy part was done. Lloyd did not want to go to the cemetery. No way. No way was he going to watch the casket being lowered into the ground. How could people do that? He didn=t give a shit what people would think. Neither did Ellen. They weren=t going to deal with that. Their Dad said they should do whatever they want. And they would.

  They arrived at the cemetery, and Lloyd saw the hole in the ground. Soon enough the pallbearers removed her casket from the hearse and put it in place. Lloyd assumed that=s how it happened because he and Ellen crouched down in the limo when they did it and didn=t watch. That was his mom in that casket. Her final resting place. Fuck that. Way too emotional. No thanks. He was sitting in the limousine and realized he hadn=t cried at all. It was his beloved mother. Just like Mersault, The Stranger. What was wrong with him?

 

  After that, Lloyd escorted Ellen out of the limo and they walked to the service. They stood in front of the casket and held each other. Uncle Dave said some words and said some Jewish prayers. It was time to lower the casket, and Lloyd and Ellen went right back to the Limo. They both pictured Mom laughing at them for their behavior and it made them laugh. The service filed back into their cars and drove off. It was done.

  Last chapter

 

  Lloyd and his family sat by the lake at peered at the wondrous Chicago Skyline. It was a glorious summer day, and the mood was hopeful. Their tree had grown to over twenty feet tall, as it was now 10 years old. Families came by, children laughing and playing, parents proud and relaxed. Others passed, young and old, happy and sad. Jake and his dad played catch while Becky read a book, and she would casually glance up, a smile on her face.

  A fresh tree had been planted a few feet away. It was Merrill=s. A grandmother and son honored in perpetuity. The trees would live on and mature gradually. Slow to grow. Slow to grow.

  In Memory of Jack Clayton Levin and Cyrelle Levin