Hold on to Love

by Grace Roberts

  Oh yeah, it could. That bad and even worse—but he obviously wasn’t going to admit it to his father.

  “Hey guys, you finished? Mom said dinner will be ready in half an hour.” Tammy stormed into the barn in her usual style, and Sean rolled his eyes. She was fifteen but still acted like a child most of the time—which didn’t bother him that much, to be honest. He didn’t want her to start acting like a real teenager, hanging out with guys and doing who knew what else with them. He always got the creeps just at the thought of it.

  “Tell Mom we’re almost done. We’re a little late, but we’re catching up now.”

  Tammy nodded. “Don’t you think Miss O’Riordan is amazing? I think she’s by far the coolest guest we’ve had in years.”

  There, just like he’d thought. Tammy was crazy about her already; this was a bad sign. Sean shrugged, and went back taking his resentment out on the innocent stack of hay.

  “Sean was telling me she has quite an expensive bag,” his father said with a smile, and Tammy let out a squeal, jumping toward him like an overexcited lamb.

  “Oh, Dad, you should see it. I’d only dreamed of it about a hundred times after seeing it in a magazine. It’s amazing. Amazing. I think half the women in the country would kill for that bag; it’s a limited edition. I think they only made like five hundred pieces or so. Imagine if I went to school with it? Kimberley would die. Right. On. The. Spot.”

  The old man laughed, and shook his head in resignation. Jonah Maclaine wasn’t at all up-to-date with fashion and girly stuff, but Sean had noticed he always listened to Tammy’s ramblings about the latest accessory she’d seen in a magazine, or anything else that had caught her fashionista attention. It was one of the things he’d always loved about his father; no matter how tired he was or how unaware of the subject, he’d always listened to his kids as if he were truly interested in what they were saying, making them feel special and loved.

  As he grew up, Sean started to pick the little signs that showed his father had no idea what they were talking about, but even so, he loved him for never telling them to shut up and leave him alone. He’d always found a minute in his busy schedule for his kids, and this was why Sean hadn’t been able to pursue his own dream, ignoring his father’s needs and hopes for their family business. It was the least he could do to thank him for all that he and his wife had done for their children.

  “Well, I sure hope you won’t kill anyone, though. Wouldn’t manage to bail you out of jail any time soon, and I don’t think orange is your color, Tammy girl,” Jonah said seriously, although the corner of his mouth lifted up a little.

  Tammy giggled, and poked her father playfully, giving him a scowl. “I could always get them to change the uniform to pink. That would look awesome on me.”

  Sean couldn’t repress the laughter that bubbled up from his stomach, and Tammy turned around to look at him with a frown, and a “What?” expression on her face.

  “You are such a joke, Tammy. Get out of our hair now, or we’ll never get this thing done. Tell Mom we’ll be there soon.” He waved her away with the fork still in his hand. “Off you go, young lady. Unless you want to help us finish stacking hay.”

  Tammy scrunched up her nose and shook her head. She gave her father’s arm one more squeeze, and stuck her tongue out at Sean as she passed him by, making him laugh. She was such a kid.

  Chapter 7

  The Pine room was lovely. Alyssa’s breath had caught in her throat when she had stepped inside and had immediately felt at home. The bed was a queen-size with an upholstered headboard, and a lovely patchwork quilt covered the mattress. There was a two-door wardrobe, a chest of drawers and two bedside tables, one on each side of the bed. Every item was made of pinewood, giving the whole room a very country look. The curtains were made of a heavy fabric with a nice floral pattern, and a fluffy mat was by the side of the bed.

  It was cozy and quiet; she was sure she was going to have a relaxing time here, away from all the bad memories of the night out with Julian and all that had followed. No matter how much her mother would yell or how she would psychologically try to subdue her the way she had done ever since she was born, this time she would not give in. She would not let her have the last word; she would not hang her head, and say “yes, Mom,” and be the accommodating daughter. There was no way she was ever going to see that man again; she would rather die than go out with him one more time.

  Alyssa slumped down on the soft mattress, kicked off her shoes, and lay back against the fluffy goose-down pillow.

  She reached for her bag on the floor without lifting her head, took out her mobile phone, and checked that there actually was no coverage. She smiled when she saw that the girl from the travel agency had been right about it. Alyssa remembered the uneasy smile the girl had given her when she’d told her that; she’d immediately reassured her, saying she would have a private phone in her room and, although there was no Wi-Fi in the room itself, an internet connection was available in the main room in case she needed to check her e-mails.

  Check her e-mails—yeah, right. That was exactly the last thing she was going to do in the next three weeks. The last two people she wanted to speak to or hear from right now would probably be the only two people who would be trying to get in touch with her, and she was glad they wouldn’t have any chance to reach her. She smiled, feeling free and happy for the first time in years. Nobody knew where she was, apart from the travel agent of course, and nobody was ever going to look for her there.

  She was free.

  The word echoed in her mind like a loud shout in a narrow cave, and she closed her eyes for a moment, breathing in the smell of pinewood and of the pout-pourri on the windowsill.

  She was free.

  After a nice warm shower half an hour later, Alyssa was lying on the bed waiting for dinner time and staring at the whitewashed ceiling with her hands interlocked behind her head when the familiar feeling of panic crept up. The happiness she’d experienced only half an hour ago gave way to a squeezing sensation in her stomach, something she was way too familiar with. Maybe her mother had been right this time. She truly was in the middle of nowhere, she didn’t know anyone and, as far as she had been told by Mrs. Maclaine, the only two other guests would be leaving in two days so she would be alone, totally alone, miles away from the only home she had ever known.

  Maybe she had been too hasty. Maybe she should have booked a weekend somewhere closer, like Boston or Philadelphia. She could even have taken a week off and gone to Miami. It sure wouldn’t have felt as lonely there.

  It was all so quiet here. She couldn’t hear any of the familiar noises she was so used to hearing at home: car horns, sirens, people laughing or screaming, planes, even gunshots every now and then. She listened carefully, and all she could hear were birds chirping, cows mooing, and horses neighing somewhere outside. It felt weird; she wasn’t used to this eerie quiet.

  How had she been so confident she would be able to cope? How could she be sure she wasn’t going to break down, and get on the first plane back to New York? If all she’d wanted was to get rid of Julian, she could have told her father about it all. He would have had a word with him; surely Julian would have felt at least a little intimidated by the chief of the New York Police Department, and he would have stopped annoying her. She shouldn’t have picked a place out of a brochure just because it looked as far away as possible from civilization and, therefore, unreachable by everyone she wanted to run away from.

  Then again, if she had to be honest with herself, Julian hadn’t been the only reason why she’d fled the city with such haste; after she’d contemplated jumping off the thirty-fourth floor, she’d understood she really needed to get away for a while.

  Ever since she had come back home from college, she had felt trapped in a life that didn’t feel like her own. Not that it had ever felt like it had been before, but when her grandmother was alive everything had been different.

  Now that she was finally free to be herself
for three weeks, it felt so weird she almost regretted leaving the city.

  She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, determined to push all the bad thoughts to the back of her mind. She wanted to enjoy her vacation and she wouldn’t let some silly thoughts spoil it. Maybe she was just worn out, or maybe she was jet-lagged; she was sure everything would look brighter in the morning.

  Chapter 8

  The next few days were fun. The first night at dinner she met the honeymooners from Southern California who had come to Wyoming on a road trip from San Diego, passing through the national parks, and had decided to stop at the Maclaines’ to relax for a week before going back to San Diego via Arizona. They were very friendly and, although Alyssa didn’t want to intrude, they insisted on her sitting at their table so that she wouldn’t have to eat alone.

  The owners had dinner in their own private kitchen, so they had the dining room to themselves, and they talked and laughed even after dinner was over. Jeff and Tracy told stories about their lives and their trip and she enjoyed listening to them.

  They were very easy to be around and after that night, they invited her to join them in whatever they decided to do.

  On Saturday they had planned to drive some fifty miles to visit a market in a bigger town, and insisted Alyssa should join them. They had fun checking out the stalls, and while Jeff and Tracy bought souvenirs, Alyssa enjoyed shopping for country-style clothes that would surely make her mother scrunch up her nose.

  They stopped at a diner and had barbecue food. While she was eating spicy ribs with her fingers, she couldn’t help imagining her mother’s face if she saw her now, with greasy fingers and barbecue sauce drooling down the corners of her mouth. She’d never had so much fun in a restaurant, but she couldn’t really imagine eating with her fingers in one of the swanky New York restaurants she was used to going to. Her mother would go mental if she only saw her now, and the thought made her smile.

  By the time they got back to the ranch she was wrecked, but she couldn’t recall having so much fun, and with strangers on top of it all. They had a quiet dinner around the same table, chatted over a cup of coffee and went straight to bed after that.

  The following day, while they were having breakfast together, Tracy told her that they were planning to go into town for some last-minute souvenir shopping. Alyssa tagged happily along, curious to discover Wind Creek.

  The town looked like the setting of an old western movie, and she felt as if she’d stepped back in time. The few couple of shops, the barber’s shop, the grocery and the one diner were on the sides of the narrow main street within an arm’s distance from one another.

  Alyssa looked around in a daze, expecting to see people in horse-drawn carts or on horseback, just like they did in the movies.

  After a little shopping, they had steak with chips in a cozy little place with wooden benches that looked like an old saloon, surrounded by locals who were very funny, as well as very loud. When they went back to the ranch with their bellies full, they agreed to go for a long walk in the fields around the ranch to burn a few calories.

  Chatting with them was easy and natural, as if they’d known one another for years. They were nothing like the people she was used to socializing with, all those posh, rich people her mother had always loved surrounding herself with. Jeff owned a small building company, and Tracy worked as a gardener in an orchard. They obviously didn’t make an awful lot of money, but they were happy with their lives and they loved each other. At some point Alyssa found herself envying them, for they were free to be whoever they wanted to be and, even though they didn’t have much, they were content with what they had.

  Whereas she… she had everything: she belonged to a wealthy family, she had been to a prestigious college, she had a good job and a nice apartment in Manhattan, and she could afford to buy anything she wanted to without having to worry too much about money. Still, she wasn’t half as happy as Jeff and Tracy; as a matter of fact, she wasn’t happy at all, and she wished she could swap lives with them.

  Alyssa got out of the shower shortly before dinner, and she realized how carefree and light-years away she already felt after only two days in Wyoming. She hadn’t had a headache, she’d slept the whole night through, also another unusual thing, and she was happy to realize she didn’t miss technology at all. The fact that her cell-phone had no coverage was a bonus; when they’d gone into town today, her phone had beeped with a few incoming messages, all from her mother and from Julian, but she’d immediately deleted them and switched it off.

  She hadn’t even bothered watching the news on the big, flat-screen in the living room; she wasn’t interested in knowing what was going on in the world right now. She was happy to be living in a bubble where she was free to be herself without worrying too much about etiquette or appearances. The world would have to wait until she was back in New York.

  After dinner, the honeymooners suggested sitting on the back porch while having a cup of tea, and she accepted eagerly. This would be their last night here; starting from tomorrow she’d be all alone, and she wanted to enjoy their company as long as she could.

  They were having their second cup of tea when Sean Maclaine stepped out onto the porch. Alyssa stiffened instinctively and tightened her grip on the mug. She hadn’t spoken to him since the day she’d arrived; she’d been busy spending time with the couple, and hadn’t had the chance to wonder where he was. She reckoned he’d probably tried to avoid her, but she didn’t mind at all.

  Sean greeted the couple with a smile, and asked them what they’d been up to. They told him about their trip to the market and got engrossed in a conversation about the places they should stop at for a quick visit on their way back to California. He barely even acknowledged her presence, and when he left and wished them goodnight, he gave her a nod and a very stern “Miss O’Riordan,” without making eye contact.

  The moment he walked away, a knot clogged her throat, and she had to swallow and take a long gulp of tea to be able to breathe again. She couldn’t understand why he’d been so cold toward her when he was all smiles with the other guests.

  What would she do once she was alone? Would he still act as if she weren’t there or would he be nicer to her? Among all the choices the travel agent had given her, she’d chosen this particular ranch because she’d read that guests were free to be involved in the activities. Since she’d never been allowed to be near animals when she was a child, and it was a little hard to find ranches in Manhattan, she’d been looking forward to helping out, maybe learning to milk cows or tend to chickens—stuff like that.

  However, by the way he was acting with her, she doubted he’d want to show her how to do anything. She could only hope Mrs. Maclaine would let her help with some other tasks or her three-week stay would quickly turn into a nightmare.

  “Are you okay, Alyssa? You’ve gone all quiet.” Tracy leaned in and touched her arm, startling her out of her thoughts.

  “I’m sorry, I was… just lost in thoughts.” Tracy laughed and Alyssa smiled, shrugging. “I’ll miss you guys. It’ll be quite lonely once you’re gone. I wish I’d come earlier so we could’ve spent more time together. I’ve never been anywhere alone; I think maybe I should shorten my stay.”

  Jeff patted her back. “You’ll be all right, girlie. The Maclaines are awesome people. Mrs. Maclaine is a great host, and she’s always happy to have someone around; she taught Tracy some great recipes.” Tracy nodded with a wide smile. “Mr. Maclaine is a lot of fun, although he looks all quiet and reserved, and Sean’s just great. I had no idea how to even get on a horse when we got here the first time, and now I’m as good a rider as a real cowboy. He’s a very patient teacher.”

  Alyssa frowned. Were they talking about the same person? She couldn’t believe that the guy who’d barely said hello to her could be a very patient teacher; but then again, he’d been really nice with the couple only a minute ago, so it had to be something she’d said or done that had made him dislike her so much. It coul
dn’t be that silly discussion over the bag, could it? She probably shouldn’t have talked about the price, but since Tammy seemed to know a thing or two about accessories, Alyssa knew she would understand what a great bargain it had been. She hadn’t meant to brag—she’d never been the type. It had been a totally innocent slip of the tongue and she’d meant no offense.

  Whatever the reason, if he still held a grudge because of that he was definitely acting like a child; she wasn’t going to apologize for owning an expensive bag, which was a gift on top of it all. Who was he to judge her before he even knew her?

  “I’m sure by the time you go home you’ll be a great cook,” Tracy said with a wink, interrupting her thoughts once again. “Mrs. Maclaine loves teaching her secret recipes to people; from what I understand, Tammy’s not very talented in the kitchen so Mrs. Maclaine is always very happy when someone shows any interest in her kitchen abilities.”

  Alyssa smiled. “I’d love that. My mother’s never been a good cook, and I wouldn’t mind learning to make something a little more elaborate than poached eggs and microwavable food.”

  If nothing else, at least she’d go home with some new culinary skills.

  Tracy squeezed Alyssa’s hand.

  “We’ll exchange numbers and e-mail addresses so we can keep in touch. Next time you want to take a trip, you must come to San Diego; we’ll be happy to show you around.”

  It was almost twelve when they decided to call it a night, and as Alyssa lay in bed she couldn’t help comparing them to the people she was so used to having around. She felt so much more at ease around her two new friends, rather than around the people she had known all of her life, and wondered if maybe she had been living in the wrong place. Maybe she had been meant to live somewhere else, somewhere simple, around normal people who didn’t care what you wore or how much your clothes cost.