by Frank, Ella
“But what, Mom?” Jake said as he turned to face me again. “What could possibly have stopped you from telling me about him?”
“Harry.” I spat the word out as though it were dirty. “Harry stopped me…for years. But then he died, and before I could even wrap my head around being able to explain all of this to you, Noah was here, and—”
“What do you mean, Harry? What’s he got to do with this?”
This was it: the moment when Jake would finally realize how much of a coward his mother really was. And the reality of being anything other than the person he loved and trusted above all others made me sick.
“Mom?”
“Sorry,” I said, and took in a gulp of air. “I…I was very young when I got pregnant with you.”
“Yeah, I worked that out when I was thirteen, and we’ve already discussed it. What’s that got to do with Harry?”
“Well…” I straightened my shoulders and looked Jake in the eye. “The day after our high school graduation, Harry sent Noah away.”
Jake frowned. “Sent him?”
“Yes. To a university in Europe. Noah had no idea he was leaving, and by the time I did, he was already gone. I was given no contact information, had no idea where he was…” I pushed through the torment that accompanied those words and took a step closer to Jake. “And a month later, I found out I was pregnant with you.”
Jake crossed his arms, his jaw clenching as he processed all I was saying.
“To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I’d only ever been with Noah that one night, graduation, and then I wound up pregnant.”
“How inconvenient for you.”
“No…” I shook my head and took his hand in mine, and this time I made sure I had a firm grip. “You were never an inconvenience. Not ever. You were my purpose. My reason to be alive and happy at a time when everything felt so…hopeless. You remember me telling you that my mom was sick, right?”
Jake’s lips remained tight as he gave a clipped nod.
“It was right around the same time I found out you were coming into our lives. I was scared and excited but at the same time sick with worry about my mom. But I knew I needed to tell Noah somehow that he was going to be a father.”
I swallowed and looked off over Jake’s shoulder to the picturesque scene below. It was amazing how such a beautiful place could harbor such ugly secrets. I’d struck a deal here seventeen years ago, and today it was finally going to come to light.
“I came here, to the winery, to see if Harry would give me any information on Noah. I knew it was a long shot—Harry had made it clear that I wasn’t what he had planned for his son, and that didn’t change when I finally met him face to face.”
“Fuck Harry,” Jake said, and his cheeks flamed with agitation.
“He wasn’t a very good man, I agree.”
“That’s putting it nicely.”
“Yes. It is.” I angled my face up so I was looking Jake in the eye, knowing that what I had to say next was going to hurt the most.
“But when I went to see him, I told him about you. I told him that I wanted Noah to know. But Harry wouldn’t hear of it.”
My eyes blurred as I continued to stare into Jake’s unwavering gaze.
“He wouldn’t budge, not even an inch. But I was determined to find Noah and tell him myself. Harry knew that, though, and wasn’t about to let it happen. He wanted Noah to be free of all burdens so he could one day run the family business with a perfect little wife by his side. So he offered me the one thing he knew I couldn’t refuse to make sure that all happened…”
“He offered to help your mom.”
“Yes.” The word left me on a gasp, and I brought a hand up to cover my mouth as I nodded. “He promised to take care of her. That she would get the best care and he’d take care of all her bills. And we were poor, Jake. We lived day by day the best we could, so the promise of her health? An extra day or month to live?”
I squeezed my eyes shut as the overwhelming guilt and sorrow filled me.
“You had no choice.” Jake brushed a tear away from my cheek, and the understanding in his too-wise-for-his-age eyes was more than I deserved. “And we were the sacrifice. Me. Noah. You?”
My shoulders shuddered as I tried to swallow back the tears re-forming. “Yes. I promised not to tell anyone who your father was, not even you, in exchange for her.”
Jake bit the inside of his cheek as his eyes became damp, then he pulled me into his arms and held on tight. I could feel his shoulders shake, then he rested his chin on my head. I waited to see if he wanted to say anything else.
Several minutes passed, and I couldn’t quite get a read on him, but when he finally did speak, his words shocked me.
“I would’ve done the same thing.”
I pulled back a little and looked up at him, confused.
“If you had been sick and that was the only way to help you. I would’ve done the same thing.”
I cupped his cheeks and shook my head. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know.”
“I should’ve done something else, anything else.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know.” I worried my lower lip and then took a step back. “Do you have any questions for me? Anything you want to ask?”
Jake slipped his hands into his pockets, and for the first time in as long as I could remember, I allowed myself to see the resemblance to his father. Blond like me, Jake had inherited my fair complexion and coloring. But his dark eyes and several distinct mannerisms were all Noah—if you were looking for it.
“About a million things,” he said. “But only one right now.”
“What’s that?”
“Are you going to tell him?”
I’d known that was coming, but I still wasn’t prepared for the way it made me feel. My heart began to thump and my hands turned clammy. “I think I probably should, don’t you?”
Jake shrugged, trying to appear unaffected. But his twitching jaw told me otherwise. “Probably.”
“Okay. Anything else?”
Jake eyed me, then said, “Do you still love him?”
Words failed me as I stared into his eyes, because for the first time since Noah’s return, I allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that I’d never stopped loving him. But instead of pushing me, Jake offered me his hand.
“Why don’t you let me help you down this hill? The last thing I need is you crying over a broken set of heels and spending my college money on their replacements.”
I’d never loved my kid more than I did in that moment. For his grace under pressure, his understanding of the hard emotions, and his ability to forgive when many would not. I knew he was likely just as scared as I was about the future, but as long as we faced it together, I knew we would be okay.
31
Noah
A SON? LAUREL had a son who was practically a man?
It’d been nearly two hours since I’d heard her say the words, and still, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around it. That might also have something to do with the copious amounts of whiskey I’d been downing since planting my ass on a barstool at Gallagher’s, but hey, who could blame me?
A son… How was that even possible?
Okay, note to self: don’t actually ask someone that, or they’re going to look at you as though you’re insane. It was possible because Laurel was gorgeous and she had obviously been in relationships after me—as much as I hated to think about that.
But her kid had to be, what? Late teens? Which meant she had to have gotten pregnant right after I left, and that cut much deeper than it probably should have.
I looked down the bar to where—What was his name again? Oh, that’s right, Marty—stood chatting with some other customers. When I caught his eye, I raised a hand. A furrow creased his brow as he made his way over.
I pointed to my empty tumbler. “Can I get another?”
He looked to the empty glass and then back to me. “I think you’ve had enough
, don’t you?”
Was he serious right now?
“Maybe you should give Ryan a call? See if he’s around.”
Translation: Maybe he can come and babysit you. No thanks; I wasn’t in the mood for questions. Plus, I was still pissed that Ryan hadn’t told me about this mystery child of Laurel’s. I mean, maybe then I wouldn’t have looked like such a fucking moron this afternoon accusing her of dating her own son.
“I don’t want to call Ryan. I want another drink.”
Marty drummed his fingers on the counter and then grabbed the bottle of whiskey. “This is the last one. Got it?”
“Fine.”
I handed over my credit card and was about to pick up my drink when I heard a familiar and unwelcome voice. “Well, don’t you look like shit.”
Justin. Great. Out of all the people I wanted to talk to right now, he would be dead last. But it seemed God wanted to screw with me tonight, because instead of leaving me the hell alone, Justin took the empty stool beside me.
“So, who died and made you look so fucking miserable? Can’t be grief over Harry catching up with you, so…”
I picked up my tumbler and tossed back the drink, and as it burned a path down my throat, I angled my head so I could eye my youngest brother. “What do you want?”
Marty walked over, handed me back my card, and slid a beer on the counter in front of Justin, who gave him a quick wave then watched the old man leave.
“Don’t want anything. Just curious why you look like you were run over by a Mack truck.”
“Why? So you can give me shit? No offense, but I’m really not in the fucking mood.”
I fingered the edge of the glass and willed my brother to leave. But when the seat beside me remained occupied, I started wishing the ground would just open up and swallow me instead.
“Drinking hard on a Monday night.” Justin let out a long whistle. “Something big must’ve ruffled that perfectly pressed suit of yours.”
Just about done with this day as a whole, I got to my feet, ready to leave. But when the bar began to spin, my foot hit my stool and I had to place a hand on the counter to steady myself.
Justin scoffed. “You’re so fucking wasted. How many drinks have you had?”
“None of your damn business.”
“Okay, but how you planning on getting home? You can barely walk in a straight line.”
“I’ll call an…an Uber.”
That made Justin laugh. “An Uber? Where do you think you are? L.A.? I could drive you home and back three times before an Uber got here.”
“I don’t want you to drive me anywhere.”
“Good, ’cause I wasn’t offering.” He picked up his beer and took a swig. “I was just pointing out the fact that you’re an idiot. Have a good night.”
Justin went to turn back to the bar, but before he could, I grabbed his shoulder. “What’s your fucking problem?”
He eyed me for a second and then shrugged. “Don’t have a problem.”
“Bullfuckingshit. You’ve been nothing but an ass ever since I got back here, and for what reason? You have to come to me once a month to get hundreds of thousands of dollars? Oh, your life must be so hard. Sooo fucking miserable. Right, Justin? How do you deal with it?”
I could feel the alcohol coursing through me now, along with all my frustrations over everything that had changed in my life, and suddenly I couldn’t shut my damn mouth.
“Unlike you, I’ve had to leave my whole goddamn life behind. My business. My friends. And all for—”
“Your family?” Justin fired back, getting to his feet. “Yeah, what a damn sacrifice it is you’re making. You’ve walked back into the top job of a thriving business that—let’s be real—should’ve gone to Ryan, and you control everything. It’s like Harry rewarded you for turning out to be as big of an asshole as he was.”
I was about to lunge for Justin when a hand on my shoulder halted me.
“What’s going on here?” Ryan’s voice was instantly recognizable as both my brother and lifeline to some form of sanity.
“Nothing.” Justin took another swig of his beer. “We were just having a…brotherly discussion.”
I glared at him then turned to see not only Ryan but Willa standing behind me. I looked between the two of them and frowned, then blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Are you two dating?”
Willa laughed and looked to Ryan, who was looking a lot less jovial. “No, we like each other too much for that. We were in the middle of Monday night Monopoly,” she said.
“Monopoly?”
Ryan’s jaw twitched as he crossed his arms over his chest, and I wondered if it was due to me and Justin or Willa’s answer. “Marty called, said you might need a lift home. What’s that about?”
Damn gossipy locals.
“It’s about nothing. I just wanted a few drinks, that’s all,” I said, and shoved by him. This was exactly what I’d wanted to avoid—questions.
I somehow managed to make it out the door and a little ways down the road when I heard, “Uh, Noah?”
I stopped and turned to see Ryan and Willa standing a few feet away. “Yeah?”
Willa stepped forward and indicated the road. “If you’re heading back to the B&B, you’re going the wrong way.”
I squinted in the direction I’d been heading, and when a car whizzed by, I stumbled back a step. Yeah, okay, maybe I shouldn’t be trying to walk home right now.
“Fine. Do you mind if I get a lift?”
Ryan smirked and walked to the parking lot, and I took that as no, he didn’t mind. As I followed behind him, Willa moved into my side and took my arm. “Are you okay?”
Her question was so genuine that it was difficult to ignore, and that was the only reason I admitted, “No. Not really.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. Not really?”
She laughed and shook her head. “The second question was rhetorical. It’s obvious you need to talk about it.”
I grumbled but nodded. “You’re right, I do. But I’m still trying to, um, make sense of it. I, uh, I found out that Laurel has a kid.”
Both Willa and Ryan stopped dead in their tracks and looked at me as though I was crazy.
“That’s why you’re upset?” Willa grinned and patted my cheek. “It’s not like Jake’s a secret. He works at the winery.”
Well, I knew that now, didn’t I? “Jake? That’s his name?”
“Yeah.” Willa smiled. “He’s an awesome kid. Well, he’s pretty much an adult now, but Laurel did great with him. So what’s the problem? You don’t like kids?”
Ryan was being unusually quiet throughout all of this, which, had I been a little more sober, I would’ve thought was weird.
“No. I like kids just fine.” When Ryan unlocked the doors of the truck, I climbed in the back seat.
“Okay.” Willa turned from her spot in the front to look at me. “So if you don’t have a problem with kids, then why are you over here drinking yourself into a coma?”
I shifted my eyes to my brother, who was watching me in the rearview mirror. “Because I made a fool of myself, that’s why. I thought they were dating. I thought that’s why she wouldn’t date me.”
Willa started laughing hard. “Trust me, that’s not the first time that’s happened. Laurel had him young. She’s hot as hell, and Jake has grown up fast. I’m sure she doesn’t think anything bad of you.”
That might all be true, but now I was back to wondering why Ryan hadn’t said anything. “You didn’t think to mention that she’d had a kid, Ryan? Couldn’t slip it into a conversation somewhere in all these years?”
Ryan started the truck up and put it in reverse. “It wasn’t my business. And you never asked. Would’ve been weird to bring up out of the blue.”
“Yeah, well, a heads-up might’ve been helpful.” I slumped back in the seat feeling like the biggest idiot in the world, then something I hadn’t even thought abo
ut popped into my head. “Where’s his dad?”
Willa looked at Ryan, and when he shrugged, she turned back to me. “She never really talks about him. But you know how rumors and small towns go…”
“Right. There’s always a story. This is me asking.”
“He was a one-night stand,” Ryan said. “Not long after you left.”
Fuck. I hit the side of the truck with my hand and then cursed over the fact that I hadn’t drunk enough that my nerve endings were numb. Here I’d been so destroyed over being sent away from her that no other woman had ever compared, and it turned out the second I was gone, she found someone new.
Well, don’t I feel like a fucking idiot…
When Ryan pulled into the parking lot of Wilhelmina’s, I shoved open the door and climbed out. Today could just fuck right off as far as I was concerned. I stormed into the B&B and was halfway up to my floor when Ryan called out to me.
“What?”
“What we just told you on the way home just now? Remember, it’s just a rumor.”
“What does that mean?”
Ryan walked up a couple of stairs and lowered his voice a fraction. “It means exactly that. It’s a rumor. I work with Jake every day. I have for the last two years. Look at him a little closer the next time you’re around.”
What the hell he is talking about?
Before I could ask, though, Ryan was already jogging down the stairs. So I made my way to my room and lay down on the bed. That was when his words began to repeat in my head over and over again: Look at him a little closer… Look at him a little closer….
32
Noah
I DIDN’T SLEEP worth a shit last night. I’d tossed and turned until the early hours of the morning, and anytime my eyes did begin to close, Ryan’s voice woke me up again.
Look at him a little closer…
Bastard. What kind of thing was that to say to someone who was clearly not thinking straight and also alcohol-impaired? Didn’t he realize the kind of chaos that would set off in my brain? If he did, he clearly didn’t care, because I hadn’t slept a wink.