Group Chemistry
What happens when an employee fails to participate actively in the social system? Randolph was a fifty-year-old ad executive hired by a major agency to coordinate media issues. One of his colleagues, who was somewhat junior to Randolph according to the formal hierarchy, felt threatened by his superiority, and decided he would do whatever he could to undermine his success. Randolph became aware of this problem almost immediately, and although it would have been entirely within the bounds of office protocol for him to raise the issue, he felt anxious about confronting it. He did nothing about the problem and after a few years it had escalated to the point that Randolph found it necessary to find another job—all this because his lack of assertiveness had allowed the other person to usurp his authority.
Jason is an example of someone who simply didn’t grasp the social hierarchy of his work environment quickly enough. Hired to create new programs in a fast-paced social service agency, Jason spent the first two months creating elaborate background materials to assess how everyone fit together in the system. His problem was that he was too analytical about the social hierarchy. As a result he wasn’t productive and was soon fired. He was so concerned about the social system that all he did was analyze it; in this way, he avoided actually becoming a part of the system and ultimately was denied the chance to become part of it. Understanding the hierarchy or social system in your workplace takes time and thought, and every workplace is different. But once you see the way things work, it is vital that you participate within the system. Two types of hierarchy are common in business practice.
Formal hierarchy: The formal hierarchy is the structure of power within the organization—titles such as CEO, vice president, administrative assistant, and so on. The formal hierarchy may or may not match the actual structure of power. Ask questions to determine who is granted formal power in the workplace. This will tell you about de jure power, or power as it is formally delegated. But determining who has the most influence and sway may not be possible unless you yourself can observe it from within the organization.
Informal hierarchy: Often there is also an informal hierarchy, whereby individuals without impressive titles have power through their ability to get things done or persuade higher-ups to follow their recommended courses of action. Watch how work gets done in order to determine who has de facto power in the workplace.
Tom is an example of someone who has a good deal of power within the informal hierarchy, though his formal title of administrative assistant to the president is fairly junior in the formal hierarchy. His ability to get the job done is impressive to those who know what is going on in the organization, and his position as right-hand man makes him visible to many of the executives whose opinions matter most in the large corporation where he works. As a result, when an important project comes up, those higher up in the company hierarchy often bypass Tom’s boss and go straight to him. After all, it is clear to them that the president delegates most detail-oriented projects to Tom. Hence, Tom is treated with much more respect than other people of his “rank” within the organization.
Similarly, your understanding of the structure of power within the organization you work for will determine who you should go to in order to get particular tasks completed, and how you should interact with them.
And remember not to discount those who appear by formal standards to be your workplace inferiors. There is a story about a politician who learned a memorable lesson about de facto power. One of his speech writers requested a sizable raise, and the politician turned him down in a condescending manner. When the politician delivered his next public speech, he flipped a page mid-sentence, expecting to make an important point. Instead, he found that his speech abruptly ended with the words: “You’re on your own now!” Don’t take “underlings” for granted. They are the foundation of most big companies.
BUSINESS AND PLEASURE
Often, people with social anxiety feel comforted by the routine of day-in day-out office work, but informal meetings and gatherings still cause them anxiety. Still, it is better not to forgo them, because they can provide tremendous opportunities for you to move up in your career—and make new friends and associates in the process. “Networking” is the current word in fashion for this activity, which can help to catapult you in your professional aspirations.
Preparing for a Business-Related Social Function
1. Activate your PMA.
2. Take a few minutes alone before the event—in the car, outside the room.
3. Utilize relaxation techniques.
4. Think about your goals for the event.
5. Visualize your success.
6. Think of a series of self-praise phrases that will give you energy and self-confidence. For example: “I am feeling confident and competent, and I will express this to all of those 1 meet.”
7. Boost your personal energy level up.
8. Walk with confidence into the event.
9. Focus on something other than yourself. Find out about other people and look into their concerns and interests. If you find your attention becoming too self-absorbed, see what you can notice about the appearance of others at the event.
10. Continue to initiate and follow up on conversations throughout, using the suggestions in the previous chapter to propel your interactions along.
Introducing Yourself
You’re ready to walk in. How can you remain composed and confident, with your social anxiety in check? To take the edge off approaching strangers, try not to think of them as “strangers.” Look for things you share in common with them. When you are attending an event or function with a specific purpose, such as a professional association meeting, a little advance planning will help you to determine some interests you share with members of the group. Use your common interests and values as the basis for conversation, following the guidelines in Chapter 8.
Your professional introduction itself should be planned and practiced—though it is a good idea to keep it brief: “Hi, I’m John Smith, from Consolidated Metals,” or, “Mary Jones of the Tarleton News. Glad to meet you.” Don’t go into any detail right away. People need time to absorb your name and affiliation. When there are more appropriate details to share, you can follow up with a comment such as “I was recently transferred to this branch from Baltimore,” or, “This is my first meeting. How long have you belonged to this association?” The way you introduce yourself should make the other person feel relaxed and at ease with you and offer the opportunity for further conversation. It should be natural and relaxed. Using a business card as a prop is okay, but be sure not to force your card on anyone, or to be the only person handing them out. Watch what others are doing. If it seems appropriate, then go ahead. If there is someone in particular with whom you would like to follow up later on a professional basis, it may be appropriate to ask for their card first; then offer yours.
Breaking In
Often, you walk into a business event, and it seems as if everyone is already engaged in conversation. Don’t let that throw you. There is a way to move toward the edge of a conversation without intruding. To avoid interrupting a private conversation, don’t approach two people who appear engaged in intense conversation. Instead, approach groups of three or more people. Get close to the group, and watch the key speakers. Maintain eye contact with them without staring, and when you in turn receive eye contact, or they move to include you or otherwise begin directing their comments toward you as well as the rest of the group, you can begin to look for a place to interject a comment and gently move into the conversation. In the meantime, once you seem to have been physically included in the circle, it is appropriate to interact.
Remember that communication works both ways, so be sure to include others from the periphery into your conversations as well. They will appreciate your friendliness, and may well seek you out next time.
Breaking Out
When you attend a professional meeting or other gathering, your networking goal is to
meet a number of people, so you may want to limit your conversations. If it is appropriate (and genuine), you might say, “I would enjoy hearing more about your company. Could I contact you sometime to discuss it further?” At that point, an exchange of business cards means you’ve made a new contact. Or you may at some time find yourself in a conversation with someone you’d like to get away from—whether because you are bored or you simply see someone else you’ve been waiting to meet or follow up with. It is important to know a polite, professional way to end one conversation and move on smoothly to the next. Wait until you have just finished a comment (when you are in control of the conversation), then smile and say something like “It’s been nice talking with you,” and move on. There’s no need for a lengthy explanation. Just head casually for another part of the room.
Putting It All Together
Now more than ever, in today’s tough business climate, you need to assemble a practical mix of job skills and interactive know-how in order to succeed in the job market. Being a successful part of your team at work means knowing how to interact effectively and clearly. Social anxiety need not interfere with your quest for career fulfillment. As you work through this self-help program, continue to refer to these exercises to refine the job-related skills you need to work on most. Are you committed to becoming more productive and fulfilled through enhanced understanding of workplace chemistry?
As always, personal fulfillment is more attainable when you have a group of friends and acquaintances you can spend time with away from work. Having fun, pursuing hobbies, talking things over in good times and bad—all of this requires friendship, and true friendship requires quality interaction. With these strategies at hand, you’re on your way to a more productive, enriching life.
CHAPTER TEN
Making Community Resources Work for You
You’ve begun to master several techniques for controlling your anxiety. You’re learning the finer points of interaction and studying ways to apply your interactive skills. The next step is to add community resources—relevant agencies, groups, and organizations—to your self-help program. As you consider your particular needs, look to your own community for ways to enhance your social system: Parks and recreation departments, churches and synagogues, singles groups, self-help groups, clubs, volunteer organizations, business associations—there is an infinite array of resources to choose from. Contact your local chamber of commerce, consult newspapers for upcoming activities, and even inquire at area shops about any clubs or groups that share an interest (for example, ask at a garden center about a garden club, at a bookstore about a book club, and so on). Working through the exercises in this book is merely one component of a total self-help program. To progress from background knowledge to practical application, you must venture beyond your home and workplace (and beyond the confines of the therapist’s office, if you are in counseling). For people with social anxiety an outside system of resources is the best place to work on interactive difficulties. Here are three excellent reasons to use community resources:
1. To facilitate self-help. Conquering social anxiety necessitates interaction and involvement within the community, which is your laboratory. Using community resources creates a practical means of refining your skills and so moving forward on your individual map for change.
2. To diminish loneliness. Becoming part of the community provides the opportunity to develop personal and professional contacts that can enhance your life in many ways.
3. To network. Community involvement will not only give you the chance to improve your interactive skills, but will allow you to promote your academic or work life as well as your social life. Building connections on different levels can be the key. Any setting can provide a good opportunity for networking. In fact, I met the writer who helped me with this book in a fairly unlikely place—on the basketball court! A mutual friend introduced us, and when the subject of our professional interests came up, we saw the opportunity to work together on this project. You never know!
THE GROUP THING
My definition of a group is four or more unrelated people who get together for a common purpose. Group situations are a part of life: Groups make up society and are a component of the social process. If you have interactive difficulties, joining a group can be an important part of overcoming them. Participating in a group takes the stress and anxiety management techniques and interactive skills out of the abstract and into the realm of reality. The practical experience you gain from placing yourself in social situations is every bit as important as the previous steps of identifying your symptoms, learning to control them, and developing and refining interactive skills.
There are many different types of groups: social, recreational, therapeutic, political, educational … the possibilities are endless. Make a list of your interests, and then survey your local media—newspapers, radio, magazines, TV—to see whether there might be groups whose interests mesh with your own. In particular, watch for events sections in newspapers and on local cable TV stations. Below are some examples (you might want to make a note of those of particular interest to you):
Book clubs
Self-help groups (Alcoholics Anonymous, Single Parents, Emotions Anonymous, etc.)
Outings clubs (hiking, fishing, travel)
Dance clubs (folk dance, ballroom, swing)
Singing clubs (church choirs, barber shop quartets, etc.)
Volunteer organizations (working with the elderly, the handicapped, children, environmental or other causes, fund-raising, etc.)
Political campaigns
Charities
Religious organizations
Athletic groups
A local newcomers’ organization such as Welcome Wagon, or the chamber of commerce, the library, or any other resource center may have a list of area groups, clubs, and other organizations, along with contact people and their phone numbers.
A word of caution: Staying committed to a group is vital to your ultimate success at improving your interactive skills. Give a group a chance before deciding it’s not for you. My experience has shown that people with social anxiety tend to be predisposed to reject a group—often as a way of protecting themselves from being rejected. I hear excuses such as these all the time: “I don’t really understand the purpose of the group.” “These people are not like me.” If you are having difficulties, you too may try to avoid confronting your anxiety by dismissing the group or its members. But stick with it! Attend meetings a reasonable number of times before you decide whether or not the group is for you.
Identifying your problem is not enough. Group experience is important. If you have trouble interacting, there is simply no substitute for practice. Linda is a twenty-six-year-old woman who lives with her parents and works as a nurse in a city clinic. She does not have trouble meeting people; in fact, she encounters people all day long. But she does have tremendous difficulty moving past the initial stage of a relationship. Her specific social anxiety—fear of closeness—hampers her efforts to develop emotional or physical intimacy. Linda had spent almost ten years in therapy on and off when she came to me. I immediately noticed how resistant to change she was.
As part of my program she participated in a social therapy group, though she strongly resisted joining it. She did attend, but under great protest. Soon, she began dating one of the men in the group. The relationship ended inappropriately, and Linda began to avoid the weekly meetings. Time and again, I explained to her that she had to confront the group and her particular problems. Eventually, she was able to return. As she came to trust the continuity that the group offered, Linda began successfully to confront her problems with intimacy. She developed several close platonic friendships through the group and appears well on her way to achieving a satisfying personal life.
Groups are, in a sense, a microcosm of the real world. In all groups, there are leaders and followers … and many people who fall somewhere in between. Some groups are professionally led, and some are self- or voluntee
r-directed. In every group, there will be people you like and people you don’t, people who seek you out, and people who do not. Understanding and joining in the group process and making it work for you is what is important. Experiment with several groups, if you like, to find the ones that you enjoy the most. Strive to find a group in which you think you would feel comfortable expressing yourself or interacting with others and which has an appropriate meaning for you (a self-help group should address your particular issues; a hobby club should focus on something you enjoy). Attend the group a few times to get a sense of how members interact with each other. If the thought of doing so still causes you anxiety, continue working on stress management, and remain fairly passive in the group until you feel more comfortable.
In my own social therapy group program, our purpose is to help individuals learn how to control social anxiety and refine their interactive skills. Social anxiety is a people-oriented problem, which makes group experience important both theoretically and practically. Some traditional therapists have called my program unorthodox because it encourages patients to talk to and learn from each other—as opposed to the isolation and protection offered by many of the more conservative therapies. But I say that social interaction is something you learn by doing. My groups are places to practice, make mistakes, and experience success in a supportive yet challenging environment.
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