BEYOND SHYNESS

by Jonathan Berent

  Of course, even in such a supportive setting, resistance still arises. In a “friendly” forum, stressors can be explored and confronted more easily, however, and I have found that the degree to which a person uses the group is often a good indicator of how well he or she is progressing therapeutically. Good attendance shows effort and commitment; poor attendance indicates that a person is giving in to anxiety. I’ve heard all the excuses and manipulations—canceling plans is typical of people with avoidance problems related to social anxiety. (I’m sometimes tempted to open a garage to repair all those cars that break down on group night!) Yet often, after overcoming the initial stage of anxiety, many participants enjoy the process.

  As you consider the option of incorporating various kinds of groups in your community into your self-help program, remember that groups can be a very important component of your map for change. Groups can provide you with the opportunity to practice the skills that are crucial to your success. Make sure that your expectations are realistic and that you understand the purpose and the limitations of whatever group you join.

  THERAPEUTIC GROUPS

  Individual therapists, mental health clinics, counseling centers, hospitals, and in some cases community centers and schools are all places that may offer therapeutic groups. There are two basic types of therapy groups: those composed of people with common objectives such as weight loss or controlling an alcohol or drug problem, and those that are heterogeneous and include people with many different types of issues.

  Unfortunately, our research has shown that there are currently few groups designed specifically for individuals with social anxiety. Those that are available tend to be short term. My interpretation of this finding is that the therapists and agencies who are offering the programs have trouble holding a group together for very long because of the specific nature of the clientele. In our program, once a group has started, we keep it going (though naturally some people come and go).

  Because of the limited amount of research available, with very few clinical programs combining individual and group therapy geared specifically toward the socially anxious, it will be difficult to find a group that addresses all the issues that pertain to you. Nevertheless, finding a group that addresses at least some of your issues and fears can be extremely beneficial. You can adapt the principles and techniques set down in this book in combination with group therapy. My experience has clearly demonstrated that many individuals of all ages who are looking for help with their social anxiety can have a difficult time asserting themselves productively in a group setting. Individual therapy may then be warranted for backup support and encouragement. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to be committed and assertive. Bring specific issues into the group. That’s what it’s for.

  SELF-HELP GROUPS

  In recent times, we have seen a proliferation of self-help groups for all kinds of ills. Self-help groups, which rely on the dynamic of group support and guidance rather than on the expertise of trained professionals, are available in most communities across the United States. Check your local newspaper for listings and meeting times, and look into the local possibilities through sources at libraries, hospitals, perhaps your chamber of commerce. Most groups are open to the public and welcome one-time visitors.

  There are pros and cons to self-help groups, and you should weigh them carefully:

  Pro

  Con

  You can relate to others who have similar issues.

  Sometimes, a group can allow you to become too involved merely in ventilation—talking about what’s bothering you without helping you to confront the issue. You may receive understanding without making any real progress.

  You can get support.

  You may get good advice and insight.

  The group provides interactive opportunities and a chance to practice self-help strategies.

  SOCIAL AND RECREATIONAL GROUPS

  Churches, synagogues, YMCAs, YMHAs, and other community centers offer a variety of social and recreational programs for people of all ages, backgrounds, and with varied interests. Choose an organization that appeals to you, and don’t be afraid to experiment to find a group that is right for you. Often, these agencies and organizations are staffed by professionals who would be sensitive to your needs. For example, at one point in my career, I worked in a community center where there were trained social workers and other professionals who worked with singles groups, children’s groups, and so on. Explore your area and find out what is available.

  SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS

  These days, there are special interest groups of all kinds: sports clubs, outdoor clubs, singles activities, political groups, cooking clubs, travel groups, and many more. You can join any of these groups as a way of experimenting with your social self. The people there need never know you wrestle with social anxiety. If you seem quiet or reserved at first, that’s natural. If you need to, you can apply your self-help strategies to make it easier for you to interact.

  DATING SERVICES

  Dating services can be very helpful if you enlist them for the right reasons and with the right expectations. Think of the dating service the same way you think of the social group: another place to practice being social. Tom, thirty-six, lived at home with his parents and had very little social experience aside from day-to-day encounters at the insurance company where he worked. He had gone on very few dates in the recent past, and the longest relationship he had ever had lasted just two months. I referred him to a dating service, thinking it would provide him with the opportunities he lacked. His “luck” with the service was mixed: Some of the women they put him in contact with chose not to return his calls. But he did go out with two or three women, and one of the relationships lasted six months. When it ended, Tom naturally felt disappointed, but I encouraged him to see the relationship in terms other than failure. It was an important learning experience, I told him, and he had certainly enjoyed some aspects of it.

  Philip, forty-two, was aware of the dating service option: His sister had married a man she met through a dating service. When Philip asked me whether I thought he should join, I encouraged him to do so. After Philip had worked through his initial anxiety about making contact with women, he did arrange a number of dates. His strategy was the same each time: Meet her for coffee, have a conversation, and then decide whether he was interested in pursuing anything further. Philip did meet several women through the service, but he often came back with reports of “too fat” or “too ugly” or “too cold.” But as we talked about the way Philip handled himself, it became clear that he too had his faults. He worked too hard on a date; there was no sense of play, which resulted in too much stress. After seven first dates, with no interest in any seconds, Philip had to reassess his expectations and examine the role he played in making sure they weren’t met. While he may not have met with success from the dating perspective, however, the experience did provide material for him to examine and learn from in refining his attitude and social ability.

  Sometimes, well-meaning relatives sign their lonely brothers, sisters, or cousins up with dating services. That’s okay as long as it is with the individual’s consent; without this consent, relatives’ unreasonable expectations increase the potential for failure. But never allow yourself to get in a situation where a relative is making your social calls for you. One of my clients had an overzealous father who did exactly that, and the consequences were disastrous. Take responsibility for your own social life!

  When considering a dating service, follow these guidelines:

  1. Above all, have realistic expectations. Joining a dating service does not guarantee success in terms of dating, developing a relationship, or marriage.

  2. Realize that a certain amount of energy has to be put into the process: Making the calls, returning phone calls, spending money on dates, dealing with rejection, and so on.

  3. Be aware of what they’re charging you for. Dating services have legal limits regarding the amount of
money they can charge. Often, there is an attempt to get around these limits by charging for additional activities or services. Be clear on what they are before you get charged for them!

  4. Find out how long the service has been in business. One survey we conducted in the New York City area showed that a substantial number of services went out of business after a short time. Buyer beware!

  5. Be clear about your objectives:

  • Are you interested in just casual dating?

  • Are you interested in a serious relationship?

  • Are you looking to get married?

  • How will you handle rejection if it occurs?

  • Are you ready to handle the positive stress of a relationship if one develops?

  • Do you accept that any interactive experience is a valuable part of your self-help program?

  6. Individuals with handicaps may have a hard time finding success with dating services. Some dating services have specialized in a handicapped clientele but have appeared and disappeared. Still, a void exists that could be filled by the right service.

  PERSONAL ADS

  Like dating services, personal ads can be a valuable part of creating a social network as long as your expectations are realistic. In today’s society, it can be very difficult to meet people—whether you have social anxiety or not. I approve of any vehicle that makes this process easier.

  Again, be realistic about your expectations. There are success stories, but then again, there are success stories involving more conventional means as well.

  Nancy, a forty-eight-year-old therapist I know, had a lot going for her, but a few years after her divorce, she still hadn’t met anyone she wanted to date. She was attractive, intelligent, and self-aware. She hesitated to run a personal ad, but got a number of responses once she did. Unfortunately, she found that her background was quite a bit different in terms of interest and income level from that of the men who responded to her ad. Finally, she met someone in a hiking group for singles with whom she developed a good relationship.

  There are more serious concerns to be aware of as well. One female client met a man through a personal ad, only to discover that he became overaggressive when they went out on the date. Fortunately, despite a great deal of anxiety, the woman was able to extricate herself safely from the situation, but this points up two safety precautions to bear in mind:

  • Talk to potential dates on the phone a few times to get to know them. Make sure that a rapport develops before you progress further.

  • Set your first few meetings in a public place, and agree to meet there.

  Don’t let your fears steer you away from personal ads. Sometimes they work out well, as they did for Will, who was twenty-seven by the time he finished college. A straight A student, Will had struggled through not because of academics but because his social anxieties and depression were often debilitating. After college, Will got a job as an accountant and made plans to apply for law school the following year. Feeling that at last he was better able to manage his anxiety, and looking forward to the plans he had made, Will decided he was ready to pursue a romantic relationship for the first time since high school. He placed a personal ad in the local newspaper, and went on dates with a few women who called. He started seeing one of them regularly. They saw each other for more than a year and eventually got married. Of course, not all personal ad stories end so successfully, but it’s nice to hear a happy ending once in a while.

  Don’t be held back by the stigma surrounding personal ads. They have worked for thousands of people and they may well work for you. Be sure to keep an open mind and to temper your expectations with reality. Use the following guidelines to make your experience as productive as possible:

  1. Choose a reputable publication. Try to determine the nature of the personal ads the publication runs—some cater to those in search of strictly sexual relationships. Also be aware of the types of people who are attracted to the particular publications. For example, a literary review might attract a fairly intellectual advertiser and respondent; a glossy magazine with expensive advertising rates might attract a wealthier clientele.

  2. Be aware of the pros and cons of responding by voice mail. On the one hand, it adds a more intimate dimension: People can hear the friendliness in your voice. On the other, a problem could arise: One of my clients, an attractive, likable, wealthy young man, got absolutely no response to voice mail because the women who listened to his ad were turned off by his slight lisp.

  3. Understand that people who use personals (as well as dating services) are in essence shopping for a relationship. They have an agenda of their own and will be assessing you to see if you fit into it, just as you are assessing them. You may meet several people through these services, but the contact may not go beyond the initial meeting. Don’t take it personally!

  4. Be honest. There are many workshops and materials designed for the purpose of teaching you to write a personal ad. But your best bet is to tell the truth about who you are, what you look like, what you like to do, and what you are looking for. This lessens the chances of false expectations, frustrations, and failure later. One of my clients, a fifty-year-old man from a very overprotective family, got into trouble after his well-meaning parents placed an ad on his behalf. Unfortunately, they exaggerated his social skills, describing him as a sophisticated, attractive man. In fact, he had a long way to go before this could be said about him, and he suffered a lot of needless rejection as a result.

  5. Write your own ad rather than merely responding to someone else’s. This gives you more control over whom you might reach.

  6. Be realistic about the number of responses you expect. And don’t think every person who writes is the right person for you. It’s okay for you to be shopping around too.

  7. As with dating services, bear in mind that simply placing the ad does not mean you will ultimately be successful.

  8. Do not give out information such as your home address until after you have met the person and decided you feel comfortable with him or her.

  9. As I said earlier, meet for the first time in a public place for coffee or a drink. If you are having drinks, limit the amount of alcohol you drink (if any). This gives you more control of yourself and ensures that your perceptions will be more accurate.

  10. Not all people are serious. Don’t take it personally if the person whose ad you respond to never calls. Just move on. (One of my clients’ mothers placed an ad for her. She collected more than sixty responses from men in all walks of life and read them aloud for her own amusement. But she never contacted any of the men who wrote her.)

  PARTY LINES

  Our advanced technological age has made it possible for you to “attend” a party and “meet” new people without ever leaving your house. The 900-number Party Lines advertised on television allow an individual to hook into an ongoing conversation with any number of other people who want to make friends, establish relationships, or just have fun. As with anything else, this method of introduction has its pros and cons.

  Numerous clients have admitted an addiction to these talk lines—an expensive habit, considering that some cost as much as $5 per minute! Those who become addicted end up hiding the fact from family members or roommates, but the addiction becomes obvious when the hundreds of dollars in phone charges come due. How do these addictions develop? As one client said, “On the Party Line, no one could see me and I could be anyone I wanted to be.” This client, a college sophomore named Ethan, actually racked up a bill of thousands of dollars in one month. He would stay on the Party Line for eight and nine hours at a time, experimenting with different personalities, including female ones. Because he could get a quick fix of companionship through the Party Line, Ethan could continue to avoid interacting with his peers. But once his mother received the $2,300 phone bill, the game was up, and she brought him to me for help. Eventually, Ethan was able to resolve some of the issues that were causing his anxiety and to use self-help techniques to facilitate r
eal live interaction with real live peers.

  Dishonesty and exaggeration will get you nowhere. If you must use Party Lines to develop your conversational skills, make the following deal with yourself:

  1. I will limit the number of minutes I talk on the line to the dollar amount I can afford. (Use a timer to remind you.)

  2. I will use the Party Line as a way to practice my conversational skills. I will tell the truth and respond honestly to those I talk to.

  3. I will protect myself by concealing my identity (most Party Lines prohibit callers from giving identifying details such as addresses and phone numbers).

  4. I will not use the Party Line as a quick fix for loneliness, or as a way to avoid more stressful social environments.

  Again, be careful! The Party Line has some benefits, but there are risks to watch out for.

  WHEN TO SEEK HELP FROM A THERAPIST

  When and why should you seek professional help? This subject recently came up during a supervisory session with a staff therapist who had joined us right out of graduate school. “Why do you think people come to therapy?” I asked her. “Because they need someone to talk to,” she said. But there’s much more to it than that, as I explained to her that day. People enter therapy because they want or need to make a major change in their lives. Therapists can help clients to make genuine, lasting change.

  This book is designed to be used as a program of self-help. Ideally, you would like to follow the program independently, without professional help. But sometimes, it is appropriate to seek counseling as part of your overall program. Because social anxiety is a people-oriented problem, individual therapy cannot substitute for practice in interacting. Nevertheless, an efficient therapist can help you develop and use interactive approaches in one-to-one therapy and can serve as a base of support and insight as you begin to make use of community resources. Therapy can also help you clarify certain issues, facilitate change, and provide support and insight as you experiment interactively.