BEYOND SHYNESS

by Jonathan Berent

  Elective mutism is a very specific symptom of social anxiety. Fear turns into panic which inhibits speech; the elective mute is capable—physically—of speaking to outsiders, but anxiety prevents him or her from speaking. Only recently has there been any media attention paid to this syndrome, and research in this area has just begun. After an article appeared in a New York-area newspaper, however, someone who had expressed interest in starting a self-help group for elective mutes was besieged with phone calls from desperate relatives, eager to get help for their silent family members. I have worked with people of all ages who suffer from varying degrees of elective mutism. From my perspective, elective mutism is treatable relatively easily in childhood or early adolescence. But treating the adult is very difficult because of the pervasive progression of the problem.

  TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGHS?

  The tremendous technological advances our society has enjoyed in the latter part of this century have created numerous new ways to reinforce socially anxious behavior. Children come home to their televisions, computers, Nintendo games, with no need to seek each other out for companionship and social experimentation. Adults use 900-number Party and porno lines as a substitute for dating, and do their shopping from the Home Shopping Network in their living rooms. This technology is not destructive in and of itself, but when it becomes a substitute for peer relationships and healthy interaction, it can be extremely unhealthy. Teenagers are especially susceptible. Johnny, age fifteen, came home every day to his best friends: Nintendo and computer games. He never did things with his peers, though he told his parents he had lots of friends at school. He isolated himself totally from kids his own age. The recent cases of teenage computer bandits throughout the country are another example of an antisocial personality; no doubt in some cases social anxiety and poor interactive skills have contributed to those young people’s outlook.

  On the other hand, technology can become a valuable part of social success. Craig was a twenty-four-year-old college graduate who worked as a computer programmer and lived at home with his mother. He had one friend he considered close but very limited experience with the opposite sex. He would spend most of his time after work experimenting with his computer. He hooked up a national bulletin board which created the opportunity to begin communicating with people from all over the country. He made contact with a woman who lived in Florida and developed a relationship with her that eventually led to his moving to Florida, where he got a job and lived with her.

  ALCOHOL

  The inappropriate use of alcohol to compensate for social anxiety is at epidemic proportions. Unfortunately, many people who feel anxious in social situations turn to alcohol to calm their nerves and make them more relaxed. Usually, alcohol in moderation is not dangerous. But for the socially anxious, it can become habit-forming. Larry is a fifty-two-year-old postal worker who, after being divorced, tried the singles scene as a way of meeting people. But whenever he managed to attend an event, he drank four or five shots of whiskey to “take the edge off” his social anxiety. Larry swore he was not an alcoholic—after all, he only drank a few times a month, the same few times he socialized. But because he was dependent on alcohol to enable himself to cope socially, I do consider him an alcoholic.

  Terry, a twenty-six-year-old telephone operator, was very good at his job and set a record for handling information requests each day. He was promoted to manager, which necessitated his having to give group presentations. The result? High anxiety, which he dealt with by having “a few beers” before his talk.

  Elliot, twenty-nine, tried desperately for companionship. His relationships with women had not been successful, and although he did have a few male friends, he often went out alone. He began going to a neighborhood disco, where he would have a couple of drinks, maybe dance a little. Before long, he was going there seven nights a week and drinking heavily. In a sense, alcohol had become his lover, his substitute for companionship. He didn’t want to give it up.

  All three men were self-medicating with alcohol. Their social anxiety led to alcohol abuse, a secondary problem. Alcohol is not the answer. It temporarily masks the problem but ultimately makes it worse.

  DEPRESSION

  Many of the individuals in my program have pointed to a level of depression as an initial symptom. Depression—pervasive, overwhelming feelings of sadness and hopelessness—is a natural result of social anxiety. Anyone who has been inhibited by anxiety and fear will experience less success, less pleasure, less gratification, and ultimately, lower self-esteem. The more pervasive this pattern, the more frustration and anger build. The result can be a reactive depression, caused by the situation the individual finds himself in. Other forms of depression—indigenous or biological depression—have a chemical basis. But some degree of reactive depression is common among socially anxious people, and many mental health professionals erroneously identify depression as the overwhelming problem (in fact, social anxiety is at the root, and has caused the depression). With this kind of depression, decreasing social anxiety and promoting healthy interaction is the long-term answer.

  PATTERNS OF THE “SHY”

  What else is common among people who identify themselves as “shy”? Below are the results of a survey that was administered to 150 of my program’s participants. The results of this informal survey reveal certain facts and attitudes common among the socially anxious. Let me point out that these are the subjective answers of the clients themselves—not the professional opinions of the therapists. The average length of time in the program for all who responded was eight months. The average age was twenty-eight. (Some of the answers are based on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being the lowest.)

  • Most clients considered shyness to be a serious problem at some point in their lives. Almost everyone rated the seriousness of their problem at level 5, which makes sense, considering that all who responded were seeking help for their problem.

  • 60 percent of the respondents said that “shyness” first became enough of a problem that it held them back from things they wanted during adolescence; 35 percent reported the problem began in childhood; and 5 percent said not until adulthood. This answer reveals when clients were first aware of social anxiety as an inhibiting force.

  • The respondents perceived the average degree of “sociability” of their parents was a 2.7, which translates to “fair”; 60 percent of the respondents reported that no other member of the family had a problem with “shyness”; and 40 percent said there was at least one other family member who had a problem with “shyness.”

  • 50 percent were aware of rejection by their peers during childhood.

  • 66 percent had physical symptoms of discomfort during social interaction that they believed were related to social anxiety.

  • 55 percent reported that they had experienced panic attacks.

  • 85 percent do not use any medication for anxiety; 15 percent do.

  • 90 percent said they avoid opportunities to meet new people; 75 percent acknowledged that they often stay home because of social fears, rather than going out.

  • 80 percent identified feelings of depression that they connected to social fears.

  • 70 percent said they had difficulty with social skills.

  • 75 percent felt that before they started the program it was impossible to control their social fears; 80 percent said they now believed it was possible to control their fears.

  • 50 percent said they believed they might have a learning disability.

  • 70 percent felt that they were “too dependent on their parents”; 75 percent felt their parents were overprotective; 50 percent reported that they would not have sought professional help if not for their parents’ urging.

  • 10 percent of respondents were the only child in their families; 40 percent had one sibling; 30 percent had two siblings; 10 percent had three; and 10 percent had four or more.

  Experts can play many games with statistics. Of importance here are the general attitudes a
nd patterns of a population of socially anxious individuals who were in a therapy program designed to combat their problem. Of primary significance is the high percentage of people who first thought that “shyness” was uncontrollable, but then later changed their minds, once they realized that anxiety is a habit that can be broken—without medication. Also significant is that 50 percent of the participants recognized that their parents were the catalyst for their seeking help. Consider these statistics and think about where you fit into them. Do you identify with this profile? Look back on it in the coming months and examine the ways in which your sociability changes. Give yourself credit for successful breakthroughs, and keep in mind that you are not alone!

  CURRENT RESEARCH

  In the past few years, research has been conducted for the first time on social anxiety and social phobia. Most of this research, however, includes medication as a component of treatment. In fact, the National Institute of Mental Health has announced that a combination of medication with cognitive-behavioral therapy is the most effective. Yet as of this writing, there is no systematic psychotherapy protocol for treating social anxiety. This book is based on my own protocol, which has been developed over more than a decade. It is also important to note once more that the correlation between learning disabilities and interactive issues has yet to be studied in a comprehensive way; yet perhaps 50 percent of those with social anxiety do also suffer from learning disabilities.

  A CHANGING SOCIETY

  What does today’s high incidence of social anxiety tell us about modern society? As we’ve seen, social anxiety is connected to a person’s drive for self-preservation and a feeling of safety. It is natural to withdraw from situations that we expect will lead to pain. Avoidance—while not necessarily healthy—is logical. Because the negative social experience of a growing number of people has caused them emotional pain and suffering, the number of individuals who choose to avoid socializing is increasing at an alarming rate. The sometimes wide distance among family members these days only adds to isolation. And the anonymity of large cities creates a vacuum in which many lonely people co-exist, often leading solitary lives in which they pursue their interests and activities alone.

  We live in a society in which social fears are perhaps not unjustified. As cities become denser, isolation seems to be the best way to counter urban decay. Consider the dangers of the outside world: Crime rates are soaring. Caution—and its companion, fear—are in the air. As the twentieth century draws to a close, we find ourselves in a society where meeting people can be difficult.

  These larger forces can combine to create a further sense of distance among people. Particularly significant is the change that has taken place as the social organization of the smaller-scale community gives way to that of the larger, increasingly fragmented city. In a “hometown” setting, the character of daily life is largely composed of face-to-face relations with friends, neighbors, co-workers, and family members. But in the hustle and bustle of today’s cities, whose urban sprawls extend to what author Joel Garreau has called Edge Cities—creating light industrial suburbs even larger than the cities they surround—the individual can get lost. It is common in these areas for people to focus solely on themselves, seldom getting to know their neighbors, and rarely living close to family. We may call these places home, but they are a far cry from the definition of that word as we knew it when we were children.

  Today’s cities are hotbeds of competition on all levels, from the professional to the social. It often seems as if only the most sophisticated “win.” To be ready for this constant challenge, you have to be able to manage in a stressful environment, relying on a whole repertoire of social skills just to stay afloat. This competitive environment can be terrifying for the socially anxious person.

  The 1980s were a consumer decade in which picture-perfect images on television and in magazines caused many of us to cast our lots with either the haves or the have-nots. Pressure to succeed grew to an all-time high. For those who felt they could not measure up, the challenge seemed daunting. I think the escalating crime rate in today’s urban centers—drugs, burglary, rape, and murder—ties into this trend and society’s response to the pressure. In looking at the forces that influence the social context of modern life, it is clear that feelings of frustration at not “making it” socially and financially are a component in many people’s choosing a life of crime. Interactive ability determines success in establishing a rewarding career, in experiencing relationships. Without these prospects, crime can appear to be a quick fix for a lifelong problem.

  So what good is to be found in today’s metropolitan areas, amidst all the alienation, the anonymity, and the lack of cohesiveness that characterize the life-style there? Along with separation and disintegration comes specialization—and therefore excellent opportunities to socialize and utilize a vast interactive system involving the many special interest groups discussed in the previous chapter. Opportunities are there for the taking: in social and academic areas, in business and career fulfillment, for personal and financial growth. Opportunities for self-actualization abound. In the years to come, there will be increasingly more chances to socialize with like-minded peers, in environments never before conceived. These opportunities, when viewed as a testing ground for the self-help program described in this book, can become the basis for tremendous interactive success, no matter what your past experience has been. Change is in the offing, both for you and the ever-changing society in which you live.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Go for It! Some Final Words of Encouragement

  The average life span of a man in our society is about seventy-seven years, and that of a woman slightly higher. If you or a member of your family is struggling with problems of social anxiety, it is to your benefit to approach the situation with a practical sense of urgency. Remember: Time is not elastic. It cannot be stretched or manipulated. You get one chance. Life, as they say, is not a dress rehearsal. You owe it to yourself to do all you can to get the most out of it right now!

  Social anxiety can be controlled, and even cured, if you develop a combination of strategies that work for you. This self-help program could well mean the difference between a healthy, happy, productive life and a life of loneliness, negative limitations, and real debilitation. The choice is yours. Even if you live to be one hundred years old, life is too short not to get what you want. The person who is inhibited by social anxiety will not get what he or she wants. That is a shame, because social anxiety is a very manageable dynamic!

  By now, you understand that fear of interacting with people has at its roots a fear of humiliation, embarrassment, scrutiny, and judgment by others. Don’t let anxiety keep you from having the kind of life you want. You don’t have to. Make PMA—positive mental attitude—a part of your personality. Tell yourself that things will get better; integrate these self-help strategies into your daily life; and discover in yourself the confident, fulfilled, productive person you want to be.

  Still afraid of failure? That’s natural. Embarking on a course of major personal change can be daunting at times. But remember, any rejection you encounter along the way, while disappointing, will not be devastating. Consider: What is the worst thing that can happen if you fail in an interactive situation? Usually, it’s embarrassment, which happens to all of us. What does embarrassment mean to you? Write down your thoughts on humiliation and embarrassment. Let me ask you these questions:

  1. What is the worst thing that can happen to you if you are embarrassed?

  2. Does embarrassment say anything significant about your character?

  3. If you “lose control,” what happens? Is it a temporary feeling?

  4. What is the worst thing that can happen if your anxiety really goes up? Will it pass?

  5. Are you aware that people usually cannot tell you are in an anxiety state? That they cannot read your mind?

  6. Considering that life is short, doesn’t risking embarrassment or failure in order to have fulfilli
ng interactions seem worth it?

  Now, use mental imagery to imagine yourself feeling embarrassed. Take a deep breath, sit in a comfortable chair, use your mind’s eye to picture the interactive situation clearly. Now see yourself interacting, having a conversation. What do you say? Picture excusing yourself from the situation and moving on to another conversation. How do you feel? If you need time, visualize getting some refreshments or leafing through a magazine until you’ve used your relaxation techniques to bring yourself under control. See yourself applying stress management techniques. See yourself in control. How does it feel? What would make it better?

  Now go back and do the exercise again. See yourself making it even better and more successful. As you’ve worked through this self-help program, you’ve gained the skills to get through a stressful or potentially embarrassing situation. You can do it, and you won’t be devastated.

  NOTE: If, after attempting to follow this self-help program, you are still unable to take the necessary risks, refer back to the section on getting professional help.

  YOU CANNOT HAVE SUCCESS WITHOUT FAILURE

  No one ever became successful at anything without experiencing some measure of failure first. In anything, there is trial and error. Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs, but he struck out a lot more than that. For each new invention, there are numerous abandoned prototypes. For each business success, there are usually months and months in the red. There must also be a long investment period for interactive success. Stay committed to your program. See it through. A lot depends on it.

  Remember your motivation, remember why you’re doing it! Everyone experiences ups and downs, and these ups and downs will continue even after your social system is established and thriving. Make sure you keep your expectations realistic, and remember what your graph of social success is expected to look like: