Unfiltered

by Sophie White

  ‘Supposedly she was in there for close to two hours,’ Amy explained. ‘Then she alerts the shop to the fact that she’s practically crowning on their cream carpet by – what else?! – posting to Instagram Stories. The fire brigade is called, and the rest is viral social media history.’

  ‘Fucking hell.’ Ali couldn’t believe anyone would do something so outlandish for a few followers. ‘Isn’t that dangerous? What if something had gone wrong?’

  Amy nodded grimly, now refreshing Twitter. Twitter always had a field day with the antics on Instagram.

  ‘This takedown is going to be brutal.’

  By that evening, Under the Influence was at the top of the Irish podcast charts and Twitter was beside itself. GIFs of @MammasLittleMissus slipping into the Brown Thomas changing room were doing the rounds and the Twitteratti were in an all-out war for the best caption.

  Ali scrolled.

  TFW you birthing but you also need the bargs. #mammaslittlemishap

  Can I get a size 6 in these and an epidural. #mammaslittlemishap

  TL:DR For anyone not arsed, I’ll sum it up: Instagram just being its usual batshit self

  Another showed @MammasLittleMissus surreptitiously sneaking into the changing room and above it a somewhat baffling caption:

  Everyone: Having a baby in a hospital is the safest practice.

  @MammasLittleMissus, an intellectual:

  ‘I don’t think I get Twitter,’ she remarked to Liv, who was lying silently under a facemask in front of the TV, watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta. ‘You look like Leatherface by the way. Since when do you do face masks?’

  ‘Since when do you do Twitter?’

  ‘Touché. There’s just been another major shitstorm on Insta and Twitter always offers a great bird’s eye view of the action.’

  ‘Gimme.’ Liv held an arm straight up in the air.

  ‘It’s the me, an intellectual one I don’t get.’

  Liv peered up at the screen. ‘Ah yeah, that started on Tumblr, I think. It’s kind of evolved in meaning.’ She scrolled on a bit, grinning. ‘I love these days on Twitter.’

  Ali grabbed the phone back. ‘Says everyone who’s never been the star of one,’ she retorted, hopping back to the couch. ‘God, though, people are such pricks. I don’t mind the jokey people so much but it’s the ones getting high off the outrage. Here’s a complete bitch harping on about it. “it’s the child I feel for, this woman shouldn’t be allowed have kids”. Fuck off, Sinead,’ Ali roared at the phone. ‘As if you’d be so concerned about this baby if it was beside you at brunch screaming its little face off! You’d want to drop kick it away from you if it was ruining your twenty-euro eggs benny.’

  ‘You’re in a rant hole tonight,’ remarked Liv blandly and Ali stomped off to bed a few minutes later. Liv was right, so she figured it was best to just take herself away. Maybe it was the hormones, but this @MammasLittleMissus takedown was really getting to her. Who did all these people think they were judging this woman? She’d noticed her own glee in Shelly’s dressing room earlier when Amy related the first juicy deets and then she’d felt disgusted for delighting in this woman’s misfortune. It was obviously a really weird and stupid thing to do but the joy everyone was getting from dragging her down was making Ali sick to her stomach.

  Meanwhile, Kate was pinging thoughts into their WhatsApp, the kind of sneering comments and screengrabs that had practically formed the backbone of their friendship for so long. God, it is all so toxic, thought Ali, scrolling away on the pillow beside her. A sudden thump in her side alerted her to the fact that the foetus was not appreciating her lying on her left and she shifted over and pulled the blanket away to get a look at her belly. Twenty-two weeks this week and nearly time for the big scan. The foetus moved again, and the taut skin of her bump rippled. She grinned. Weird. So, so weird. She gave it a poke and it poked back.

  ‘Hello!’

  A foot or an elbow or whatever it was emerged again, like a creature surfacing from the depths.

  ‘Poke once for yes and twice for no,’ she told it. ‘Do you have a teeny tiny lil dick?’

  She waited. And then came a firm thump right beside her belly button. She laughed.

  ‘You better not be using it to poke me – that would be uncool in the extreme.’

  Two thumps answered this statement.

  ‘Do you want pancakes for breakfast?’ A single thump.

  ‘Good, Me too.’ Ali grinned. She pulled up the camera app on her phone, aimed it at her belly and started to record.

  ‘Is your dada ever going to forgive me, do you reckon?’

  She held her breath the better to see the baby’s movements. She gasped as a ripple spread from left to right across her belly followed by three fist-sized bumps. It felt so strange.

  ‘Whoa! Three! What kind of answer is that!’ Ali was indignant but the bump appeared to go silent again.

  She watched the video. It didn’t look quite as dramatic as she’d thought. Still, he couldn’t ignore this, she reasoned. She killed the sound on it so Sam wouldn’t hear her question and shared it on their WhatsApp thread.

  The message blue-ticked right away and she could see he was typing.

  Cool, when’s the scan again? This one’s the big one, yes?

  Yep. It’s the one where we can find out the flavour, and they can tell us if things are looking … OK. Health-wise, like. It’s next Monday. 2 p.m. on the second floor.

  Cool. See you then.

  Sam?

  The message blue-ticked but Sam seemed to be wavering on responding. Finally, he started typing again.

  Yes.

  I’m doing a post on my Instagram on the Friday before the scan.

  It blue-ticked. He said nothing. Ali exhaled and ploughed on.

  I’m apologising for my actions. I’ll be explaining what happened, sort of. And …

  She hovered above the phone. His status read ‘online’. He was waiting.

  … I’ll be telling them about this pregnancy.

  She hit Send. He read it. Now she waited.

  Fine, Ali. If that’s what’s important to you.

  Oooof, that’s not good. She cringed. She wanted to defend herself; she needed to apologise so she could get on with her life; still she felt there was little point in explaining. Anything she said, he would turn on her. He was a stubborn fuck. Well, she could be too.

  What’s important to me is having enough money when this baby arrives. I was offered a very lucrative one-off deal for this apology post and I’m taking it so that I can look after the baby when it comes. See you Monday.

  Chapter 14

  Ali paced the living room, checking out the front window every few minutes. Liv was edgy too, plumping and re-plumping the pillows on the couch.

  ‘Where is she?’ she demanded.

  ‘Why are you so nervy?’ Ali lashed back. ‘I’m the one who’s about to re-enter the Insta fray; you’re just waiting for her to get here so you can hang around pretending to act nonchalant!’

  ‘No, I’m not. Shut up!’ Liv began pacing after Ali. ‘I just want to say hello. It’s polite to greet a guest in your home.’

  ‘LOL. OK, whatever you say.’ Ali grinned. ‘But stop pacing after me. This room is too small and has too many clashing patterns for two people to pace in here at the same time.’

  ‘Sorry, sorry.’ Liv back off and checked her reflection in the mirror above the fireplace. ‘It’s just … has she ever talked about me?’

  ‘She said your thesis was “terrifyingly prescient”.’

  ‘Really?’ Liv’s eyes widened and a flush crept up her neck. ‘She said that?’

  Ali gave another glance out the window.

  ‘Finally!’

  Amy stomped up the driveway in a look that could only be described as ‘off-duty’ bondage – a neon-green fishnet bodysuit with various leather straps.

  ‘She’s definitely a change of pace from aging professor territory,’ remarked Ali, referring to Liv
’s previous paramour, her college tutor, Emer Breen. ‘Do you think she likes women? How do you tell? Is there some kind of divining rod?’

  The doorbell rang.

  ‘I feel like a divining rod would work better for the gay boys.’ Liv winked. ‘I’m gonna ask her out today.’ She steeled herself.

  Ali moved to the door and into the hall. ‘You better. This is probably our last job together, so she won’t be coming around again.’

  Liv just nodded decisively.

  ‘Hey.’ Ali swung open the door to Amy’s raised palm. She was glued to her phone and clearly in full rant mode to the person on the other end. Ali stood aside and ushered her in while Amy didn’t even break flow.

  ‘Well, I realise that, Hazel, but I’m not on your goddamn payroll and maybe you should’ve been vetting these Jennys more closely. I’m good at my job, hun, but I don’t have the time to clean up every single mess. And I’m on a retainer with Shelly and Ali. Plus, my name ain’t Jenny. I’ll discuss the summit with my clients and then we’ll get back to you.’

  She ended the call and her focus snapped to Ali. ‘Is this what you’re wearing?’

  Ali glanced down at her Courtney Love tee shirt and ripped jeans.

  ‘What? I just put fresh tan on and everything.’

  ‘I can see that.’ Amy mimed being blinded. ‘Wash it off ASAP. I’ve got a MUA coming to do your face. We need every detail of this mea culpa to be in keeping with the messaging. You can’t go on there looking grand, Ali! You need to look stun, obvi, but in a kind of beaten by life, tragic way.’

  Liv giggled from the living room door and Ali shot her a withering look, though Amy’s whole demeanour changed at Liv’s appearance.

  ‘Liv! That last chapter you sent through is so spot on, gave me chills.’

  ‘Not flutters?’ Ali piped up mischievously.

  ‘What?’ Amy glanced over vaguely.

  ‘Shut uu-up, A-li,’ Liv was withering. ‘Not everyone watches Horn Island!’ She turned swiftly back to Amy. ‘I’d actually love to sit down with you to really unpack some of the elements that are still a bit underdeveloped.’

  ‘Sure, what about dinner?’ Amy was already tapping on her calendar app. ‘Tuesday?’

  ‘Great.’ Liv beamed. ‘I’d love to try that new dim sum place on Camden.’

  ‘Will I just go and rehab my own image so?’ Ali interjected, pretending to be in a huff. ‘I thought you said we’re aiming to get it out before tonight at seven p.m. The Friday Insta rush?’

  ‘Yep.’ Amy smoothly switched back to her usual take-charge voice. ‘Go take that Courtney Love top off. Could you have picked a more inappropriate one? We don’t want to give them anything to bitch about in the comments, Ali, and Court, God love her, is just too divisive.’

  ‘Right …’ Ali rolled her eyes, but Amy fixed her with a look.

  ‘Ali, clothes are political. I want to see options in white, grey and dusty pink. Go.’

  An hour later, the set up was nearly ready. Joanna, the MUA, had significantly toned down Ali’s tan, and she looked wan and much closer to someone going through some personal issues, as Amy had demanded. She wore a simple white sweater and sat at the edge of her bed in front of an enormous ring light with Amy’s phone mounted on a tripod before her. Amy was running through the stack of cue cards she’d made to keep Ali on track.

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Nervous.’ Really fucking nervous, Ali added silently. This had the potential to go so horribly wrong. In preparation, she’d watched a load of apology videos on YouTube the night before and every one of them had been a train wreck. She’d struggled to find one decent example of a social media pariah pulling off a good apology video and it had given her The Fear.

  Mostly people seemed to go in for crying but the all-important tears eluded them. The girls always looked perfect, completely hot, but you could tell they were suffering because their hair was in a messy topknot and there appeared to be an unofficial uniform of a grey hoodie. A lot of them seemed to hint at some undefined mental illness or ‘exhaustion’. In a way, Ali had a bit more blame-material than that, but she couldn’t bring herself to use Miles or his illness as an excuse. She pulled her sleeves down over her hands and waited for Amy to finish glaring at whatever she was typing on her tablet.

  ‘She’s unreal,’ she muttered.

  ‘Who? Shelly?’

  ‘No.’ Amy snorted. ‘Shelly is my most obedient client ever, Ali! HellishHazel. She is fuh-reaking over the first episode of Under the Influence. She’s calling me nonstop. Wants me to work my “Amy magic”. I wouldn’t touch that dumpster fire, though. God knows what else she’s got to hide. She’s talking about an Insta-mum Emergency Summit. She wants you there if this little statement goes OK. That’s so her. She’ll wait to see how this lands, then decide if you’re a liability or potentially useful. OK, will we do a take?’

  ‘Yep.’ Ali shifted around and tried to get comfortable.

  Amy tapped the phone to begin recording. ‘When you’re ready, Ali. Do you have the script?’

  Ali glanced at the pages beside her.

  I’ve learned a lot in these past few weeks. I’ve learned that I’m not perfect. In spite of my incredible success, I still need to do better. I’m sorry I disappointed you. I love my followers more than anything …

  Ali pushed them out of shot, took a deep breath and looked up into the camera.

  ‘Hi guys, it feels like it’s been a long time since I came on and obviously a lot has happened.’ Ali tried a tentative grin at this. ‘God, I don’t even know where to begin. I am so, so sorry. I am so disgusted with myself. As you all know, I lied. I lied to you guys and I lied to my friends, everyone. I lied to Sam, who was my boyfriend, and I lied to the companies that worked with me on ads and collaborations.’

  Amy was nodding encouragingly and holding up a cue card that said ‘Sick Dad!!!!’

  Ali rubbed her eyes and looked hopelessly into the camera.

  ‘I feel like I could try and blame a whole bunch of things, but I’d just be making excuses. The fact is that life is hard for all of us sometimes and we don’t all go around starting social media hoaxes and faking a pregnancy and hurting the people who believe in us. I was hurting and lonely and I felt like a failure but the real reason I did this was because I was jealous. It’s pathetic but it’s true. I was just jealous of everyone doing so well on Insta and I wanted to be the girl who had everything on Instagram.’

  Amy was vigorously shaking a new cue card. ‘DEAD dad!!!!’

  ‘Since this has come out, I’ve lost a lot of people close to me and that’s taught me how much I’ve hurt everyone with my lying. I’m so sorry. I really am. I have nothing to say to defend myself that wouldn’t just be me trying to make excuses.’

  Amy was rolling her eyes now and holding another cue card, each word writ large and underlined. ‘Mention. The. Real. Fecking. Baby.’

  ‘I’m sure lots of people will have lots of opinions about what I did and that’s cool – you all have every right to think whatever you want about me. I can’t take back what I’ve done. I wake up every morning and I feel sick with the regret and the shame but now I am going to get on with my life. I have to. I won’t be talking about it again, especially ’cos I have some pretty big things coming up that I need to focus on.’

  Ali ran her fingers through her hair. Fuck it, Ali, she thought. The bitches who wanna hate you will keep at it. There’s nothing you can do.

  ‘I’m kind of scared to spit this out TBH.’ She laughed nervously. ‘I’m literally girding my loins, like! Sooooo in the course of faking a pregnancy, I accidentally got pregnant for real.’

  She leaned back to show her bump to the camera.

  ‘It’s real, before anyone starts up with conspiracy theories on Rants.ie!’ She grinned, lifting her jumper and gazing down at the firm, round belly. ‘It’s so freaky too!’ She rubbed the bump absent-mindedly, then straightened up, remembering the small matter of the apo
logy video.

  ‘I feel like posting this is probably inviting a lot more hate back in. I got a lot of messages after the Glossies and I deserved a lot of what was said. But just please know that I am seeking treatment to try and make sense of what I did and to …’

  Amy’s cue card said ‘Grow as a person’ but Ali didn’t think she could come out with that without laughing.

  ‘… try and change for the better. I need to work on myself, especially now that I’m going to be a mum! Looking after my baby is the most important thing for me now. I’ll be doing this without a partner so I’m … ah fuck, gals, I am shit-scared. Like, WTF is HAPPENING???’

  Amy held up her next cue card, which simply said ‘You’re so far off message, just plug the brand and wrap it up.’

  ‘Anyway, if you have a liar like me in your life and you just want to get to the bottom of their bullshit, why not enlist the services of SweetLittleLies.ie – Ireland’s first and only private lie detection agency. And before anyone in the comments says it – swipe for the video of me taking the test in case anyone thinks I’m spoofing this baby too! Byeeeeeeeeee!’

  Amy stopped the recording. ‘Well, that was a disaster.’ She looked deeply irritated. ‘Can we get touch-ups before the next take, Joanna?’

  Joanna rushed forward with her palette and brush, but Ali waved her off.

  ‘I’m not going again, Amy, there’s no point. I’m never going to read off some script and at least this way it’s real. I am sorry. I’ve apologised but if they want more out of me, they can all fuck off and calm down. It’s not like they’ve any real beef with me. My fake baby has fuck all to do with them. They’re just bored and if they want to judge me to feel better about themselves, there’s nothing me saying “I’ve been suffering from exhaustion” or “I’m now on a journey toward healing” is going to do about that.’

  Amy looked mutinous but said nothing.