Unfiltered

by Sophie White

  ‘On the boundaries of the impossible, W Y N D is a festival and an experience.’

  The camera picked up Hazel’s footprints in the sand and then the woman herself striding majestically as the music soared in the background. The voiceover continued.

  ‘Join Ireland’s premier influencers for a weekend of empowerment, nourishing Michelin-star vegan feasts and self-discovery.’

  On screen Hazel turned back to the camera and whispered, ‘Learn to live how you’ve always dreamed. Workshops from the women you’ve always wanted to be on the things you thought you could never master …’

  The scene cut to a barren limestone cliff, Hazel striding to the edge. Text appeared on the screen:

  Luxury you could never conceive of, in a place wilder than your dreams. Finally, be your authentic self with the help of …

  The text disappeared and onscreen Hazel appeared to dive from the cliffs, plunging into the pitch-black ocean miles below.

  Pale pink words materialised dramatically:

  W Y N D Summit

  The screen went blank and the room erupted into reverential applause. Shelly clapped along but shrugged questioningly at Amy. Just what the hell were they clapping? What was that even an ad for?

  Hazel got to her feet smiling and nodding at the effusive murmurs rippling around the room.

  ‘Incredible, Hazel, truly.’

  ‘You’re a visionary.’

  ‘Thank you, thank you. I know – it’s amazing, right?’ She grinned. ‘So, as you can see, we’re putting together an event so exclusive, so ambitious, nothing of its kind has ever been attempted before.’

  ‘So, what is it? Some kind of culchie GOOP thing?’ Ali asked. Shelly stifled a giggle. Ali, at least, could be counted on for a blunt take.

  ‘No,’ Hazel replied coolly. ‘Some of us could do well to remember their place, Ali. Just because you’ve got a real baba en route now and you’re the comeback queen shouldn’t be any reason to forget your manners.’

  A tense silence followed this reprimand until Ezra leaned forward and whispered in Hazel’s ear. She gave an almost imperceptible nod and then cranked up a mechanical smile for Ali.

  ‘How are you feeling by the way, lovelie?’

  Ali blinked but played along.

  ‘Ah good.’ She rubbed her belly, smiling. ‘We’ve got the big scan this week – I was actually a bit late getting the appointment – so fingers crossed Sam actually turns up.’ She shrugged.

  Shelly pressed her lips together. The poor thing, she thought. Ali looked tired too. Shelly was daunted enough getting ready to welcome this baby solo and at least she knew what was coming. Poor Ali was all alone and didn’t have a clue. She resolved to invite her to the prenatal course she was attending. That would cheer her up, especially if Sam didn’t rally soon.

  Dan had at least attended their big scan a few weeks before, though things continued to be strained and they had ended up having a row afterwards about Georgie being filmed on her way into summer camp. The story was in exchange for a week at the camp, but Dan didn’t want to hear it.

  Speaking of quid pro quo, Shelly straightened up and tuned back into Hazel. Just what was their role to be in this W Y N D shindig?

  ‘My vision is one of female empowerment.’ Hazel was in full flow again. ‘I summoned you here because you owe it to your followers – the women and gay men who made you into the Insta-success stories you all are – to lead the charge in this new era of Instagram. They look to us for influence, for guidance, for their self-esteem.’

  ‘This sounds like a pyramid scheme,’ Shelly caught Ali mutter to Polly, who only shook her head sternly in response, checking to ensure that Hazel hadn’t heard.

  ‘W Y N D will showcase the latest in restorative workshops, caffeine colonics, colostrum facials and laser gemstone therapy. It will be as beautiful and transformative as a destination wedding.’

  ‘Riiiight, it sounds like the Hazel App in surround sound,’ Amy piped up without taking her eyes off her tablet, on which her neon talons click-clacked incessantly. ‘Where does my client come into this?’ She sounded bored. Amy delighted in winding Hazel up.

  ‘Well, Ms Donoghue, you may or may not have noticed that the Irish mumfluencers’ reputations have seriously suffered in the last two months.’ Virtually all the influencers shifted uneasily at this. ‘W Y N D is an opportunity to give back, to prove that we’re not all crazed liars out for a bit of sponcon at any cost.’

  ‘OK, so it’s a charity gig?’ Amy set the tablet aside at last.

  ‘Well, no, no, of course it won’t be free, but the price point of the basic package will be accessible. And the luxury will be off the charts. Along with our own elite, I’m inviting some of the giants of the LA wellness influencer set. We’ll be offering the followers access like they’ve never dreamed of to their fave online mavens. Twenty twenty is all about that authenticity buck and we are going to personify that. With this event, we can shove Deborah Effing Winters’s hot takes about “toxic influence” and “negative beauty and lifestyle standards” up her own uncaffeinated hole.’

  ‘So, are you paying my client for this unprecedented access, Hazel?’ Shelly loved that she could count on Amy for keeping the bottom line in view at all times. This would be a decent boost before the bump popped in September.

  ‘Appearance fees will be calculated according to your individual influence.’ Hazel charged on with her notes. ‘Now, selling this unique event will hinge on our collective magnetism. We want to have every one of our W Y N D ambassadors to appear in this promo, which is the second phase of today’s itinerary.’

  Both Polly and Ali were surprised by this news, with each of them protesting at the same time.

  ‘I have a thing, Hazel,’ said Polly urgently. ‘I didn’t realise we were doing the promo today.’

  ‘I said we were doing promotional materials in the WhatsApp, Polly.’ Hazel rounded on Polly and Ali viciously.

  ‘I can’t just hop off to Inis Whatever,’ Ali yelped. ‘We’ve got … I mean, I’ve to go to a meeting.’

  ‘Don’t worry, the island is far from habitable just yet,’ Ezra reassured her as he distributed call sheets. ‘The set up for filming today is all here on site.’

  Shelly noted with relief that she was up first.

  ‘We’ll take you one by one through to hair and make-up and then to the green screen studio. The remaining women can enjoy a light lunch and we’ll be through with everyone by 2, 3 p.m. tops. How does that sound?’ He flashed a smooth, placating smile.

  Shelly looked around to see how everyone else was taking this news.

  Ali looked mutinous but was being soothed by Polly, which was definitely odd. Not only had she rarely seen them ever talk to one another, she could not imagine they would have much in common. Ali was way too salty for Polly. Siobhan and Crystal, on the other hand, were looking delighted with themselves. They were essentially small fry, and this was probably the most salubrious Insta-event they had ever been involved with. Shelly pulled herself up to stretch the bump. As she neared the third trimester, a persistent pain in her ribs started up any time she sat for too long. This pregnancy was definitely proving to be more of a drain than her first. She doubted she’d even be able to attend W Y N D. It was very close to her due date.

  She was just heading towards Ali and Polly when Ezra intercepted her.

  ‘Shelly, pleasure to meet IRL. Your work has been a terrific source of inspo for me for years now. I just love what you’ve created with SHELLY. With the input of Amy, of course,’ he added hastily as she appeared at his elbow, tablet raised for battle.

  ‘Ezra, logistics at our end are tricky,’ she announced, and Shelly relaxed, knowing the ever-on Amy was sorting things.

  ‘Right, yes, I can see.’ He gestured to the bump. ‘You’re about to go any day now by the looks of things.’

  ‘No, Ezra, she’s only twenty-seven weeks,’ Amy shot back sternly. ‘Now, W Y N D, as previously discussed, is too c
lose to Shelly’s due date. Shelly and Hazel did agree a certain amount of support in the lead up. I’ve mailed you the exact proposal along with our tiered rates for Shelly’s appearances, stories and posts when she’s on a bump journey.’

  ‘Not a prob. I got them, Amy.’ Ezra smiled. ‘We’ve just this minute sent through the final and, might I say, very handsome offer and I think you’ll be pleased.’

  Shelly smiled blandly as Amy brought up her inbox. The financials could be awkward, but this would be a major dent in the money to buy Dan out of the house.

  ‘OK, looks in order.’ Amy snapped her tablet cover shut. ‘Now, where’s hair and make-up?’

  Ezra beckoned Ali’s friend Kate over, and she gushed as she kissed Shelly on the cheek.

  ‘Oh my God, I just loved your IGTV on how you organise your clothes every week. I was like “Oh my God, ordering a rail immedj!’’’ Shelly smiled awkwardly as Kate absent-mindedly stroked the cashmere coatigan Shelly had unwrapped that very morning from BT’s PR department.

  ‘No touching,’ barked Amy and Kate jumped.

  ‘Sorry, of course, let’s get you island-ready.’ Kate smiled and hurried ahead, leading Shelly up Hazel’s wide, sweeping staircase to the second-floor landing, where they were met by three different closed doors. Shelly marvelled at the plants and orchids tumbling from the tiny occasional tables that punctuated the hall. How does she maintain this with five kids? Maybe the kids don’t even come up here? Maybe they’re bused off each evening to the real house that’s full of handprints on the walls and the usual kid shite. Shelly grinned at the thought. There was nothing she’d put past Hazel.

  Kate led them through the middle door to a vast dressing room. The stylists and MUAs bustled about. The room was decorated to resemble a beachfront property in Bondi, bamboo panels lining the walls, the furniture mostly bleached-out wood. Shelly took a seat in an awkward hanging hammock chair beside a large cactus sitting in a woven basket.

  Kate pulled up a wicker stool and leaned forward eagerly.

  ‘I have followed you forever. I love you. So. Much.’

  Her intense staring was a bit much and Shelly quickly swayed out of her reach as she noticed her start to stretch out for the coatigan again.

  ‘Like, I love you,’ Kate persisted.

  ‘Thanks.’ Shelly looked around desperately. Ever since @_________ had been hovering on the edges of her life, she’d found it more and more unnerving to come face to face with followers. Follow me! they had all said in the early days. Such a weird thing to ask for when you thought about it. Watch me, follow me, like me! Shelly made a mental note to follow up with Detective Bríd (their meeting kept being rescheduled) as she tried to fend off Kate.

  Thankfully, before Kate could inch any closer, a perky stylist Shelly vaguely recognised from Hazel’s events over the years skipped over, referring to the tablet she cradled in her left arm.

  ‘Shelly! Great to see you blooming! I’m @FiFiStyles. Amy’s just confirmed some particulars with Hazel and Ezra, so we’ve agreed a degree of bump for your shots. We have this sheer dress with a coral bikini for underneath. Our MUA, Jade, will be doing a little henna on the hands – can you believe it’s having a comeback?! – along with a super-glowy, no-make-up make-up and, the pièce de résistance, Hazel’s imported Caribbean sea water for the hair.’ @FiFiStyles’s eyes widened. ‘Apparently, there’s crushed pearls in it. We’ll do the fitting when Jade’ – who appeared on Shelly’s other side at that exact moment – ‘has done the face. My handle is spelled f-i-f-i-s-t-y-l-e-s BTW in case you wanted to tag me.’

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Shelly was feeling a bit cornered but tried to relax as Jade, who also oh-so helpfully spelled her Insta-handle for the all-important tagging, started removing the make-up she was already wearing.

  Shelly closed her eyes but could sense Kate’s burning presence pressing in on her.

  ‘So, you’re Ali’s friend, Kate,’ Shelly said brightly to attempt to defuse the fandom and just be normal.

  ‘Well … kind of. I mean, if you can be friends with someone who has just completely lied to you. And then ignores you.’

  ‘Well, she was going through a very rough time.’ Shelly opened one eye to sneak a glance at Kate. She looked even more pissed off at hearing this.

  ‘Ugh, that’s what everyone’s saying now. Poor Ali. And she’s got more followers than ever, like. So typical.’

  ‘Well, they’re probably notoriety-follows, that’s what Amy says.’ Shelly didn’t know why she felt she should soothe this girl. She definitely wouldn’t be the kind of friend Ali would miss.

  ‘Yeah.’ Kate seemed to suddenly notice how she sounded and pulled herself together. ‘Anyway, my own account is going amazing and Hazel has just been the most incredible mentor on this journey.’

  ‘And what kind of journey are you on?’ Shelly was half smiling as Jade dabbed concealer under her eyes, but Kate answered in all seriousness.

  ‘Weight loss,’ she said firmly. ‘But it’s weight loss with a wedding! See, I’m getting married in a few months so I’m actually working two angles: the bride journey and the weight-loss journey. It’s been building steadily.’

  Jade dusted highlighter on the tip of her nose. ‘OK, you’re done, Shelly! It was a pleasure to work with such a face. At least we know you’re not all angles on the ’gram.’ She winked. ‘Sometimes I work with these girls who look like completely different people IRL – it’s mad. Now you’ll tag me in your snaps, right, hun? Right?’

  ‘Sure, sure.’ Shelly gathered herself and hopped off the stool. She accepted the sheer dress and bikini @FifiStyles was proffering and ducked behind a wooden screen to change. Then it was back out to Amy, who was waiting in the hall. ‘All good?’

  ‘“Good” is a strong word.’ Shelly rolled her eyes. ‘Let’s get this over with.’

  ‘This’ turned out to be fifteen takes of Shelly, sitting on an enormous piece of driftwood in front of a green screen with a wind machine blowing, saying the same line – ‘Beyond live, love, laugh is W Y N D’ – over and over again.

  ‘Great, Shelly, you are such a pro. Can we get just one more with a slightly breathier “W Y N D”?’ Shelly wearily obliged. They didn’t do this bloody many takes on Durty Aul’ Town.

  Ezra clapped his hands together.

  ‘That’s a wrap on scene fifty-four. Thank you, everyone. We’ll take five. Kate, we’ll get Ali and Polly down from hair and make-up, OK? They’re leaving together at 2.45 so chop-chop, thanks.’

  Where on earth would Polly and Ali be going together? Shelly couldn’t quite get her head around this strange new alliance.

  Chapter 18

  Driving away from the W Y N D promo shoot, Ali felt like a fugitive fleeing from captivity.

  ‘Christ, that was a bit of an ordeal,’ she muttered to Polly, who was behind the wheel looking stony-faced. Ali had now attended five CatAnon meetings and she’d never once known Polly to be late. She was like the mayor of the thing.

  ‘Well, there’s almost always a few strings attached to invites from Hazel,’ she responded primly.

  It was so weird. Since starting CatAnon, Ali had gotten some fairly intense insights into Polly’s pretty out there past as a catfisher, but she couldn’t penetrate her studied front outside meetings. If anything, Polly was even more stiff and fake with her since they had this in common.

  ‘I think I pulled something in that dancer pose she had us do,’ Ali continued. ‘I don’t even do yoga normally, never mind when I have a whole other person stuffed inside me.’

  ‘Well, she’ll be happy to have got you. It’s all coming up Ali this weekend, isn’t it?’

  Ali stole a look at Polly, but her face was inscrutable. She sounded pissed off.

  ‘What? Are you mad?’

  ‘Well,’ said Polly, pursing her lips as if she had a bad taste in her mouth, ‘I just think you’d better be careful. Of your recovery in CatAnon, I mean. All this praise and validation on Insta can be dangerous
for us. You wouldn’t want to get sucked back into old habits.’

  Ali rubbed the spot on her side where she’d twanged herself while being an obedient little influencer. Polly had looked perfectly at home in front of the green screen, Ali thought, miffed. Who’s she to lecture me? She was about to say as much, but she just had zero fight in her today. The pre-dawn ashes-scattering had left her feeling edgy and even though they’d managed to scatter at least some of the ashes in the sea, and she was jazzed about the breakthrough with My So-Called Best Life, she still had a niggling sense that she’d let Miles down yet again.

  Why did it have to be so slapstick? He deserved better than that. She leaned against the car window and tried to focus on the passing housing estates to quiet the horrible little voice in her head. He deserved better than you for a daughter, it whispered. Running around doing sponcon while he lay there alone and dying. You’re a dumb, selfish bitch.

  She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to silence the hateful words. Not easy, she’d found. Especially not when they were your own.

  The day had gone from slapstick to surreal with Holistic Hazel’s stint as James Cameron. Why do any of us bother actually doing anything for real anymore? she mused. None of it needed to be real. Who needed a remote island when you had a sound stage built in the garden extension? Who needed to be beautiful for real when you could just stick a filter on your pix? Who needed to be smart or funny or any of those things when all that mattered was how it looked?

  Her phone pinged with an email from Terry:

  New direction is SPOT ON, Ali, I love it. Let’s aim for a new draft in the next two weeks. I think ditch the interactive element – it’s overly complicated and it doesn’t need it. We can make the same point through Rational Ali and Thirsty Ali. With the proposed added production elements, we want to stay ahead of ourselves. Nothing kills a show like a rushed development schedule – and we didn’t exactly have much time to begin with. Send over pages as and when you want feedback. Otherwise, I’ll expect the reworked script before the 19th.