Unfiltered

by Sophie White

  ‘Well, Dan, if you don’t want me to bring up how you brought young women into our home when you were supposed to be looking after your child during custody negotiations, I’d suggest you play along.’

  Dan was clearly raging but didn’t argue further. Shelly pretended to chat nicely for a couple more minutes, then slid back out of the booth. She leaned down and kissed Dan passionately. It was so bizarre to be kissing him after having not touched him in months and she was relieved that there was no sense of nostalgia or longing, just a desire to get this shitty moment and this shitty day over with. She straightened up briskly and walked back to the side of the room reserved for the beauty launch. Hazel and Polly looked utterly flabbergasted. Shelly only smiled and waved. Some lesser influencers were hovering beside them so Shelly was quick to get in her explanation before the other two could say anything.

  ‘So funny! I knew Dan was out having dinner with his niece but no idea he’d booked in here!’

  Hazel nodded her approval at the cover up and they all turned to the podium where the CEO of the beauty brand was preparing to say a few words.

  Chapter 23

  ‘Week thirty-one must be the charm. My tits look amazing!’ Ali grinned, stuffing them into a denim shirt as she came into the early morning kitchen. ‘I suppose they’re gonna deflate the second the parasite has had a go of them.’

  ‘Yeah, they’re great all right, so veiny, though.’ Liv was groggy despite the nearly empty pot of coffee in front of her. Juggling college work and her new loved-up status with Amy had taken its toll, Ali observed. Though, my God, a loved-up Liv was a very cheery Liv. ‘So, you honestly think you’re going to seduce him at the antenatal course, then?’ Liv sat back looking beyond amused.

  ‘Stop mocking. It’s not your classic foreplay but I’m an innovator. And at the antenatal class, like, they’ll be talking all about our baby and that’s a big trigger for him. He can get very feelingsy, just like he did back at the scan. He’s been giving me a very wide berth ever since The Kiss – I think he’s all “don’t get sucked back in”, but he won’t be able to hold out for ever. I mean, who could resist these?’ Ali gave her boobs a poke. She and Sam had been texting on and off since the kiss and Ali had been careful to let him go at his own pace, but she’d been planning this day down to her lace knickers for the last two weeks. They were going to talk about adorable lil parasite at the class and then she’d suggest a bit of Law & Order: SVU for old time’s sake and one thing would lead to another.

  Liv continued to look dubious.

  ‘How many weeks did you say you were? Does it not say in the books that you should throw in the towel on sex once it becomes, ya know, a bit bestial?’

  ‘Fuck you!’ Ali laughed. ‘I say if you can’t fancy me at my most bovine, you don’t deserve me at my … least bovine.’

  ‘A well-known maxim,’ Liv deadpanned. ‘Well, just don’t smother him.’

  Ali rolled her eyes. ‘I’m just so excited to see him. I really hope he is too.’

  ‘What time is kick-off on this foetus-fest?’

  ‘Shit, it’s 10 a.m, but all the way over in Harold’s Cross.’ Ali grabbed her jacket. ‘Right, have a lovely Saturday. I will hopefully not see you later.’ She winked and ducked out the door.

  Even though she splurged on a taxi, she was still fifteen minutes late rushing into the health and education building, where the one-day intensive course was being held. Sam sat buried in his phone on a small folding chair just inside the large revolving doors.

  ‘I am so sorry.’ Ali heaved herself and the belly into his eyeline. ‘Liv was having a crisis and I was trying to extract myself. How come you’re not in there?’

  ‘Well, the midwife man-shamed me out!’ Sam’s neck and ears were flushed, which definitely confirmed he’d had some kind of public altercation. The man could not maintain his chill – it was very cute.

  ‘What do you mean she “man-shamed” you?’ Ali hissed, looking over at the door behind which presumably the cosy little chat about parenthood was well underway by now.

  ‘She didn’t believe me when I said you were late. She said I was clearly some creepy pregnancy enthusiast here for, and I quote, “your sick kicks”.’

  ‘Oh no, sorry.’ Ali stifled a giggle with her hand.

  ‘Laugh away,’ Sam said dryly. ‘But it’s not a good look for a man to be flying solo in antenatal class.’ He paused and glanced down at the immense bump between them. ‘This thing is really something now, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah, I guess it’s been like two months since you’ve seen me.’ Ali smiled shyly.

  ‘Well, I’m watching you on the ’gram a bit.’ He shifted awkwardly, kicked one scuffed trainer against the other. ‘You’re good on there,’ he allowed. ‘Much more like, well, you.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Ali replied. ‘Being myself is way easier.’ She laughed a little and ducked her head. ‘It’s good I still have some followers on there. Ticket sales for the show are going really well. Just over a week to go! And then that might lead to who knows what?’ She shrugged. ‘Fleabag started as a one-woman show at the Edinburgh Festival. Maybe I could wind up getting back on Durty Aul’ Town in the writers’ room this time? Dream big, Ali!’ She grinned ruefully. ‘I don’t mind either way. I’ve loved writing it. It’s really helped with everything that’s happened …’ She trailed off awkwardly.

  ‘It’ll be really good, Ali.’ Sam sounded so certain. Ali wished she could siphon off a bit of his confidence. ‘I’ll be there,’ he added softly. The words took immediate effect, giving her a whoosh of excitement in her tummy.

  ‘I’m really glad to hear that,’ she said solemnly.

  ‘OK.’ Sam clapped his hands and started towards the lecture hall. ‘Time to show this bitch I’ve got me a legit pregnant woman and am not some creep who gets boners from hearing about episiotomies.’

  ‘Wait, about what?’ Ali stopped just short of the door.

  ‘Episiotomies, Ali. You know, snip-snip?’ He made a scissors motion with his hand.

  ‘Snip what exactly?’

  ‘Your lady area.’ Sam looked highly amused at being the one to explain episiotomies to her. ‘If the baby’s trying to get out but your vadge is … ya know … then the doctor just …’ He made to do the cutting action again and Ali instinctively blocked her ears and clamped her legs shut.

  ‘Shhhhh, stop,’ she squealed.

  ‘What’s the matter? What did you think this class was for? It’s all about how to get that thing out of you.’

  ‘I thought it’d be nice little chats about how to be a parent,’ Ali wailed. ‘I thought we’d talk about how to give it a bath and what to do if it cries.’

  ‘Haha, God no.’ Sam laughed. ‘This is the whole blood and guts shitshow. As far as I know, they don’t tell you how to raise the thing until … never, like. Or you might get a lecture after you’ve already cocked it all up completely. They’ll probably be dying to tell us then. Nah, nah, my sister gave me the rundown on this class.’

  ‘And? What did she say?’

  ‘Well, she told me to bring a sick bag.’ Sam pulled a small neatly folded paper sack from his pocket.

  ‘Fucking great. Well, lead the way, Episiotomy Enthusiast.’ Ali gestured at the door huffily.

  So much for reminding him of how much he liked her vagina at this thing. This was like bringing someone to an abattoir before treating them to a lovely steak dinner.

  Sam pushed open the door and the room inside abruptly fell silent. A woman at the head of the class looked up from the squat she was assuming.

  ‘I told you, a lone man in the room is not appropriate—’ She paused, peering past him to Ali.

  ‘Look, I found a woman,’ Sam announced triumphantly. ‘I even impregnated her thirty-one weeks ago. Handy.’ He cocked a snarky eyebrow at the squatting woman.

  ‘All right, all right.’ Ali shoved him forward. ‘I’m supposed to be the hormonal one. Sorry for being late.’ She waved awkwardly at the room
and mouthed ‘hello’ at Shelly, who was sitting front and centre beside Dan Devine.

  Shelly had recommended the course to Ali. She’d barely seen Shelly since shooting the W Y N D promo and she didn’t look her usual radiant self. She was wan and it looked as if she hadn’t slept in weeks. Still, she mustered up a warm smile for Ali as she and Sam found seats at the back.

  ‘As I was saying before I was interrupted’ – the midwife glared up at them before resuming her squat – ‘in an ideal world this is how the baby would come out. Gravity is on your side. Mum is bearing down while Dad is supporting her in any way he can. Remember, the baby’s head is about the circumference of a large coconut and the cervix can only dilate to ten centimetres, which is – and I’m not supposed to tell you this – well, it’s not big enough, ladies.’ She pulled a face that seemed to say ‘Glad it’s you, not me’ and Ali instinctively crossed her legs.

  ‘I’m supposed to pump you all full of the party line, which is all “Oh, your bodies are built for this” and “It’ll be fiiiiiiiiine”. Well, let me tell you, I have seen women ripped in half by these things.’ She indicated the pile of dolls sitting off to one side. ‘It’s barbaric that in this, the year of our Lord two thousand and nineteen, we’re still insisting on growing human young inside – INSIDE – women. People don’t fit in people. That’s just basic maths.’

  ‘Is it?’ Ali whispered to Sam.

  ‘We’re in the right room but I feel like we’ve stumbled on some very specific Reddit obstetric conspiracy thread,’ he muttered back.

  ‘We have put a man on the moon and invented actual flying machines, but still women have to give birth. I wouldn’t mind but if it were men, sorting out this whole birth issue would’ve been straight at the top of the technological advancement to-do list.’ She paused in front of a man in the front row. ‘Well? Am I right?’

  ‘Ehhhh …’ The man shifted uncomfortably.

  ‘Have you apologised yet to this woman for what you are putting her through? For what you are about to do to her?’

  ‘I … em … I love my wife,’ he blurted in a panicked voice.

  ‘Indeed,’ the midwife sneered at him and resumed her rant. ‘Anyway, they’ve done nothing about this dire state of affairs so here we are, ladies. So, you all chose to come to my class, which means you’re not interested in the systemic rose-tinting of childbirth that has taken place in the medical establishment over the last century.’

  ‘Oh Jesus.’ Ali leaned into Sam. ‘I think I kinda do want the rose-tinting. Is this going to give me nightmares?’

  ‘I think I can hear your vadge screaming from here.’

  Ali snorted and most unfortunately drew the attention and ire of the midwife.

  ‘Do you think there’s something funny about the infantilisation and disempowerment of women in the obstetric services?’

  ‘No, absolutely not,’ Ali firmly replied, keeping her face as bland and impassive as possible.

  ‘Good. Laugh now while you can. You won’t be laughing when you’re able to wear your vagina as a sarong after that ten-pound baby has ripped its way out of your body.’

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ Sam muttered, threatening to set her off again.

  ‘If you want some rosy spiel about how birth is one of life’s miracles, you’re in the wrong place. I’m here to give you the facts. We’re talking about an event where the best possible outcome is one where everyone involved LIVES. So, buckle up, burn your birth plan and enjoy your pelvic floor while you’ve still got one.’

  Ali spotted a woman two rows in front who appeared to be sobbing quietly, her partner gingerly patting her back in a gesture of comfort.

  ‘We’ll take a short break so that some of you can compose yourselves.’ The tyrannical midwife glared at the crying woman disdainfully.

  Ali glanced at Sam, who looked as queasy as she felt.

  ‘Fuck this. This is terrifying. Will we just go home and YouTube it?’ Ali whispered urgently as they watched the weeping woman ushered outside by her partner.

  Shelly, Ali spotted, was making her way over to them, followed closely by a weary-looking Dan Devine.

  ‘Hi.’ Ali waved brightly. ‘So, what the fuck is this? Why would you suggest this … this … hazing?’

  ‘I’m sorry. The website listed this wonderful woman whom Hazel swears by but, when we got here, the management announced that she’d been called to deliver a baby and they’d had to find a last-minute replacement. Don’t let her put you off, though. Birth is fine. She’s just trying to give everyone …’

  ‘Nightmares?’ Sam suggested.

  ‘… realistic expectations,’ Shelly finished firmly.

  ‘I don’t want realistic now! It’s too late for realistic. I want someone to lie to me and say it’ll all be fine,’ Ali wailed. ‘This is horrific. I don’t need this info now when there’s no way out. I needed this mad bitch ten years ago in school. Or thirty-one weeks ago in Tinder Sam’s grotty bedsit.’

  ‘It’s a very coveted garden-level apartment,’ Sam interjected, outraged. ‘In this rental climate, a lot of people would kill for a basement flat with rear access and a colony of silverfish.’

  ‘It’s much too late for talk of rear access now, Sam,’ Ali deadpanned and they both cracked up. Shelly shook her head, wincing while Dan looked utterly horrified, which only made Ali laugh harder.

  ‘Sorry, sorry.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘How’s it going anyway? Not long now for you, huh?’

  Shelly folded her arms over the huge bump that she’d swathed in a dusty-rose cashmere cardigan over pale grey skinny jeans.

  ‘Yeah.’ She was looking tensely around the room, where other couples were grouped chatting in low voices. Her features were sharpened by anxiety and Ali felt a pang of pity. Amy had been hanging out at their place more and more and, though she wouldn’t get into specifics, she’d mentioned things were not easy for Shelly at the moment.

  ‘You OK, Shelly? I’m Sam. We met at the hospital a few months back.’ Shelly seemed startled by Sam’s concern and Ali couldn’t help but feel proud of him. He was a sweet person, when he wasn’t treating her to his patented, epic cold shoulder.

  ‘Yeah, I’m fine. I just, sometimes I feel a bit exposed in these kinds of situations.’ Absently she pulled the cardigan even tighter around her. Ali spotted a flicker of a sneer cross Dan’s face and felt even more protective of Shelly.

  ‘Oh, I know what you mean,’ Ali agreed. ‘Like, whose Story will you end up on later? It’s a real thing,’ she shot at Dan and Sam, probably sounding a bit more defensive than she intended.

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Dan was clearly bored and not in any way bothered to hide it. What a prick. ‘Look.’ He shrugged. ‘If you insist on putting yourself out there, you have to take the good with the bad.’

  ‘What is that supposed to mean?’ Shelly whipped around with a force that surprised Ali. Sam shifted awkwardly beside her.

  ‘You know what it means, Shelly. You brought this on yourself and now you’re acting like a victim in this whole thing. Typical. You’re so self-obsessed. Never a thought for who you are really putting at risk. Our daughter.’

  Jesus. Ali glanced furtively around. There were several interested couples now openly watching the exchange.

  ‘Hey man, maybe you should keep it down a bit?’ Sam spoke quietly but firmly and Dan looked furious, as if he might storm off at any minute. Ali admired Sam for speaking up for Shelly but maybe this wasn’t something to get involved in. Dan was clearly talking about more than a few posts on Instagram.

  ‘I’ll keep it down.’ Dan held up his hands in mock-surrender. ‘I’m fucking out of here anyway. Coming today was a mistake. I’m not ready to play nice, Shelly, not with all this shit going down.’

  Shelly was staring at the ground and barely reacted to Dan turning on heel and marching from the room in a wake of open-mouthed stares from the rest of the class.

  God, they’re all so obvious, Ali thought. Everyone was lapping up the dramz. Why is
the sight of other husbands and wives fighting like crack to couples?

  ‘Shelly?’ Ali tugged on Shelly’s sleeve gently. ‘Want to come get some carvery with us? You’d be amazed at the medicinal properties of a meat buffet.’

  ‘You don’t think we should stay?’ Sam asked. Around them pregnant women were lumbering back to their seats with dazed and, in many cases, queasy-looking men drifting after them.

  ‘No way.’ Ali was scrambling to pick up her bag before the malevolent midwife returned and tried to detain them. ‘Listen, we all got out of our mum’s vadge one way or another. I don’t need this one psyching me out. Shelly can give us the lowdown on the way to the carvery, sure.’

  Sam grinned. ‘Liv told me not to give you any carvery, that you’d had enough carvery this week.’

  ‘If I have to manslaughter you for a bowl of mash and gravy, I fucking will, Sam. Don’t push me.’ Ali grabbed Shelly’s hand and pulled her out of the auditorium. Sam hurried after them, casting an anxious eye around to make sure the midwife wasn’t about to appear and stop them.

  ‘Sam, tell me you drove,’ Ali pleaded once they were safely free of the place.

  ‘Yep.’ He dangled his keys. ‘I’ll nip around for the car and pick you both up.’

  He jogged off and Shelly watched him go, looking wistful.

  ‘Things seem to be going well between you two,’ she said quietly.

  ‘Well, it’s very hit and miss. I get the impression that every time he catches himself warming to me again, he sort of shakes himself to pull out of it. I’m really working on it, though. I miss him. Plus, every episode of Teen Mum I watch, I’m like “shit, I do not wanna be dealing with a baby on my own”.’ Ali finished the sentence before realising what she’d said. ‘Gah, oh shite. I’m sorry, Shelly. I’m a knob.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. You’re right. A newborn solo is probably most people’s idea of hell but I won’t be on my own. My parents are being really supportive and I have Amy and Marni my nanny will do more hours. I’ll be throwing money at this issue – it’s the only way to stay sane, believe me,’ she finished with an oddly hollow laugh.