Survive for Me

by Karin Dahan

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  Chapter 15

  “Is this where he took them…my parents?” My breath catches in my throat and I see a small change in Adira’s eyes, just a small glimmer of sympathy that escapes her hard exterior.

  “It is one of his personal homes, his home office as well. All vital and important business was dealt with there.” When she moves, she reminds me of a panther. With speed and elegance and without making much noise she gathers up all the papers from the floor.

  “How could you work for someone like him? Keep him safe?” My words are like poison. I want them to hurt. Her job was to keep security tight, to keep Tenebris alive and well. Was she the reason my parents got caught?

  “You know nothing of what you speak of, you are just a child.”

  “I know that you worked both security and for the Rebellion. And I know that the day my parents took those papers you didn’t help them. They were left to manage on their own.”

  “You should stop speaking before you say something you will regret.” Her voice is cold and calm, showing no sign of emotion.

  “Did you know that my parents got caught? That Tenebris hit

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  my mom so many times she died right in front of Edward? That he watched her die?” I’m crying now but can’t stop myself. All of my anger and sadness from the last few days are pouring out of me, like a dam that finally burst. “Or were you there, helping him?”

  “You think you have it all figured out, don’t you?” Adira stands with all of the papers, her aloofness only makes me more infuriated.

  “Then why did you leave the Rebellion? If you were such a saint, why did you leave the cause that could overthrow Tenebris? You even have the blueprint of this house! You know what that could have done, how many innocent lives you could have saved!”

  “Watch yourself!” It’s the first time Adira raises her voice and it’s like a slap in the face. Even so, I don’t pause from it. Instead, I continue. “You don’t know what it’s like to lose someone, to lose someone you love!”

  She’s by my side in an instant, her face close to mine. Anger and hurt are mixed like a storm brewing in her eyes. “I told you to stop!” Her words are a threat. I’m so shocked by her show of emotions that I can’t find the words to speak.

  She notices my surprise. I see how her anger quickly give way to sadness before she turns and walks over to the window. The room is

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  stuffy and it’s getting harder to breathe. I know it must be a panic attack coming on again. The signs are there. I turn around and head out the door, trying to get away from all the sadness and loss that clouds the small cabin. I run towards the forest, towards the trees that can calm me down.

  The frozen leaves break under my feet as I sprint, trying to run away from my guilt and my hopelessness, trying to make my mind stop reeling from all of the loss. Only when my legs burn do I slow down to a walk, attempting to calm my breath. It’s easier to get back a steady rhythm if my heavy breathing is from exhaustion and not panic. I don’t care that it means I’m literally running away from my problems. When they all pile up, it’s too much to handle.

  As the sun finds its way through the clouds, I welcome the low burn on my face, closing my eyes to focus in on the nature around me. I hear the leaves break in the distance. Adira must have followed me. A slow breath of relief escapes me. Maybe I didn’t screw up as much as I thought.

  I expect to feel her presence as I try to figure out what to say to her. Instead, I hear more leaves breaking. A low gut-wrenching growl follows, which instinctively makes my whole body tense. As I open my

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  eyes and turn around my body is on edge, waiting to kick in the fight or flight response.

  The grey eyes that meet mine send a chill down my spine and the wolf lowers its body closer to the ground, hiding amongst the bushes in the forest. This is not good, not good at all. There is no way I can outrun a wolf. And I have no weapon to fight it with. Shit. I back up slowly, trying to decide what to do when I hear another growl coming from behind me. Just my luck. Of course. There’s a pack of them. I try not to move my body as I look around for a way out. I know I only have a few seconds to figure out what to do before the animals pounce me. I can’t let that happen. I can’t die like this. There’s a tree six feet away that I might be able to climb. The branches look a bit frail, but it’s my only option. Running away from this danger is not possible.

  I take a deep breath as I eye the wolf in the bushes. His teeth are showing as his hungry eyes watch me, waiting for me to make a move. I sprint then, using all my speed to reach the tree. As soon as I lift my feet off the ground, I can see the animal moving from its spot.

  Now I only look at the tree, my only focus is to get to a safe height. The first branch holds up as I grab it and swing my leg up. I look down to see the wolf jumping at the same time. His big jaw opens

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  wide as he focuses in on my other calf. A scream escapes me as I lift my leg as fast as I can. But the wolf is faster. His jaws close on the tip of my shoe. His fangs dig into my toes as I scream, “HELP!”

  I kick my other foot, trying to get him to let go. The strain on my hands from the weight of both my body and his is getting to be too much. His hungry friends have joined him below and I count five in total. I can’t believe this. ‘After everything I have been through, this is the way I’ll die?!’

  My left hand is slipping from the branch. Now I’m only holding on to it with my fingers, using all my willpower to not let go. “ADIRA!”

  I can’t hold it any longer. My left-hand falls and I try frantically to reach up again to get a grip. The wolf swings his body below me, trying to get me to drop to the ground. Then I hear it, a swift movement and then the whimper of an animal. I look and see Adira below, her whole body in motion, like she is performing a dance. She holds tight to the round pole she had the day I met her, wielding it like a weapon against the wolves.

  The three that are left standing encircle her, slowly closing in, waiting to attack. But Adira stands still, her eyes focused and her pole

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  by her side. As soon as the first wolf lashes out, she hits him hard while she crunches low to the ground waiting for the other attack that comes right after. Before I know it, the only wolf left is the one holding onto me. He drops in an instant and watches Adira a second before he escapes into the woods, determining it’s safer to run.

  A flood of relief washes through me. As I let go of the branch my body shakes. I start to laugh just from the happiness of being alive. I must look like an insane person.

  “Thank you,” I finally manage, as I try to gain control of my emotions. Instinctively, I want to go over and give Adira a hug. Her body language makes me rethink that idea. She still holds onto the pole she fought with, watching the trees like she’s waiting for the wolves to return.

  Without her I would surely be dead, eaten by a pack of hungry wolves. The image makes me cringe and I move a step closer. “I’m sorry …”

  “We should get back. You never know with these animals.” She cuts me off and turns to walk away, without a second glance at me. I follow, feeling like I have just gotten lectured by a parent. She doesn’t even have to tell me about how careless and stupid it was of me to run

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  away. I know it.

  She doesn’t speak a word on the walk back. It’s not until we reach the cabin that she turns around to look at me. “You need to learn how to control your emotions. You can’t let them be the best of you.”

  I just nod, too ashamed to try to defend myself. “I’m sorry for what I said. I was just too upset to think clearly, so I took it out on you.”

  Adira studies me for a second before beckoning me to go inside. She closes the door behind me and goes over to the kitchen to prepare a kettle for tea. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

  It takes me a second to figure out what she means. “Uhm, no. I’m sorry about that too
. I just got so restless sitting here and waiting for Edward to contact us. I needed to do something. I don’t know if I can explain it but it’s like my whole being is telling me to act. It’s driving me crazy being so passive.”

  “I have noticed that you’re restless, but sometimes gaining time for contemplation is valuable.” She hands me the cup with her homemade tea. She picks leaves and herbs from the forest to make different types of blends.

  “Is it really the time to sit by and do nothing when I know I can make a difference?” I expect Adira to laugh at me. I must sound like an

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  ignorant child to her. After all, she doesn’t know about the valuable information I have. Instead, what she says next surprises me. “So, what is it you want to do?”

  I almost choke on the tea.

  “Eh, I guess I want to know if the Rebellion can be trusted? If they want what’s best for the people or if it’s a risk giving them valuable information, that they would want to keep it to themselves for power? I know you worked for them. You must know how they are.”

  I study her as she looks out the window, her teacup in hand. She looks lost in her own thoughts. “I did work for them. And I trusted them.”

  “You don’t anymore? Is that why you quit and left?”

  I see a strain on her face flash for a second before her serene mask is back. Something must have happened to her, and it wasn’t good.

  “I left because I failed my mission. It had nothing to do with my trust for them.”

  “Then why aren’t you working for them now? I don’t understand.”

  She turns to face me. It looks like she is trying to decide what to

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  say next. “I’m no good for them anymore. I can’t.”

  I want to ask her more, to find out what secrets she’s hiding from me. But I don’t. I have already hurt her too much with my questions and accusations. Instead, I focus on what she is telling me, that the Rebellion is trustworthy. I take a sip of my tea and let the information sink in. Can I just wait for Edward to find out on his own or do I do something about it?

  I already know the answer to the question before it pops up in my mind. I have to act.

  “I need to get to their headquarters. Will you take me?” I say with determination.

  “No.” Adira answers directly.

  “What do you mean, ‘no’? It’s important that I get there. I know you used to believe in making a difference. You must have if you worked for the Rebellion. We still can, I promise.” I plead with my hands, knowing I’m desperate for her help.

  “No matter how many times you ask the answer will be the same.”

  Frustration bubbles inside of me as I stand and pace the small room. “I have certain information that I have to get to headquarters. We

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  can’t just sit and wait for Edward. Who knows how long he will take?”

  Adira goes to start a fire, ignoring my pleading. How do I make her understand? How do I get her to help me? I drop to my knees next to her, gently putting my hand on hers to make her listen to me. “I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. My parents died for this. I owe it them to finish what they started. Isn’t there anything you can do?”

  The warm flames from the freshly made fire burns my cheeks. I flinch instinctively from the heat. Adira looks unbothered as usual. She stirs the fire to make sure it sticks before putting on a few heavier logs.

  “I will not go to headquarters,” she says, hesitates before she continues. “But I can take you to one of the Rebellion’s camps. That’s the best I can do. Someone there can help you.

  “Oh, thank you, thank you!” I put my arms around her and give her a big hug. I can tell directly that her body stiffens from the contact before she lets out a small laugh. The sound surprises me more than the sight of the wolves in the forest.

  The next morning, we set out at dawn. The forest looks sleepy with the night fog still covering the ground. Rose will come with us, mostly because we can’t leave her alone. According to Adira the walk will take two days if the weather stays calm. Even though I’m wearing

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  my temperature controlling outfit again, the cold air still makes my face tingle as we walk out from the warm cabin.

  Adira is all business-as-usual, packing our provisions on Rose, her long cape covering her layers of clothes. Somehow, she still manages to move with grace.

  I’ve been meaning to ask her something that’s been on my mind since yesterday. I have been waiting for the right time, but it seems like it’s never coming. After a long silence I can’t keep it in any longer. “So, I was thinking. Maybe you should teach me how to fight, to protect myself? I would have died yesterday if it wasn’t for you. If I knew how to fire a gun I know I would be so much safer.”

  I’m getting tired of feeling so incompetent about my own safety, never being able to protect myself. If I would have known how to shoot a gun I could have protected myself from the wolves …and I could have protected Rufus.

  “You do not need a gun.”

  “Yes, I do! You don’t even know the situations I have been in the past weeks, how different everything would have been if I had a weapon.” I clench my jaw to keep from crying from the memories that flash in my mind.

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  “A gun is dangerous…,” Adira starts, but I can’t help myself from interrupting her.

  “Yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

  She glances back at me with serious eyes, a reprimand for my impatience. “As I was saying, a gun is dangerous. It’s only good if you can keep calm in a stressful situation. And you, Eddie, cannot.”

  “I would stay calm if I had a way of protecting myself! Of course I panic when I know I’m hopeless, when I have to depend on others.”

  “Depending on others is good. It means you have a team.”

  “Ugh…Well, I don’t have a team, now do I? And the last teammate I had ended up betraying me and killing my friends,” I blurt out. Adira stops in her tracks and looks at me, worry in her eyes.

  “If you have revenge on your mind, I suggest you let it go. Thoughts like that will only harm you.”

  “I can take the harm if it means that Morrick pays for what he did. But that’s not why I want a gun, I promise.” Her eyes studies me, measuring me to see if I’m telling her the truth, which I am. I have bigger things to deal with than revenge. Just in case I ever cross Morrick or someone like him again, I want to be prepared.

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  “I don’t have a gun. So, I wouldn’t be able to teach you even if I wanted.”

  “What? How can you not have a gun? You were Head of Security?” I don’t believe a word she’s saying. She must have a weapon.

  Adira lets out a small laugh, her body relaxing as she starts walking again. “Eddie, you need to learn how to use that wonderful mind you have; to think before you act and speak. A gun is not a weapon for protection. It’s a weapon to kill your opponent. I don’t believe in that. I have never owned a gun. Working as a Security Officer is about using one’s mind, not about fighting. The mind is a weapon, constantly focusing on the cracks in the barriers.”

  “That’s all fine and dandy, but don’t tell me you’re not a fighter. Your whole body language says differently.” I quicken my pace, so I can walk next to her.

  “My body and mind are my temple. If I don’t take care of that, where would I be? And I have the Jo.” She lifts her pole that she is carrying with ease. “It’s my only weapon, in case I need to defend myself, I can use it to get out of harm’s way.” She puts up her hands to stop me from interrupting her. “It’s not a weapon to hurt someone else.

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  It’s a means of defending oneself while trying to protect your opponent from life-threatening danger.”

  I don’t answer back this time. I try to follow her advice; think before I speak. I don’t know if I agree with her stance on not harming others. Sure, it sounds lovely. But would it work in the reality we live
in? Everyone doesn’t deserve to live. Morrick sure doesn’t.

  “I know what you are thinking, I have thought about it plenty,” Adira’s voice just a whisper, “if your enemy is worth protecting.”

  “Yeah … it doesn’t always seem that way. Would you really not kill someone if they would try to kill you or someone you loved?”

  She stays quiet for a long time. Did she not hear me? “If it were a split decision, to either kill my enemy or they would take the life of someone I could not live without … then I would take the kill shot in a second. But I was not lucky enough to have that scenario. Much like you, I never had a choice.” Her voice falters with her last words. The raw emotions make me look away and the words hang in the air.

  I’m unsure of what to say. Has Adira lost someone close to her the way I have? Was that the reason she left Tenebris and the Rebellion?

  I don’t have to figure out how to proceed because Adira

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  continues before I can say anything. Cool and collected again, she says, “I believe that people should face consequences for their actions. But that they should be judged with justice and sentenced for their crimes. I refuse to become like him…”