More to This

by Tess Keeler

  She didn’t look back, no matter how badly she wanted to. Even when she heard the commotion behind her and his pained groans, she didn’t let herself look back. Her cries were close to sobs as Mason moved to usher her away. Pierson’s voice was behind them, making sure his twin was okay. It didn’t seem like long before Pierson was falling into step with Mason, taking this opportunity to check on Everly. Although his voice was deeper than Henley’s, it was still a sharp jab to the heart. As long as she didn’t look at him….

  “Henley makes a lot of mistakes...” The voice on the other side of her best friend filled her head. “Are you okay?”

  Everly clenched her jaw, her shaky hand moving up to attempt to save some of her makeup— and dignity. “It’s not a mistake. He’s single. He can do who or whatever he wants.”

  She felt Mason squeeze her in his arm, and she lifted her head to try to defeat all the pain she was feeling, It was unlike anything she had ever felt, and she didn’t easily recover like she normally could when she was upset about something.

  The fire came into view, where a handful of people were sitting around and passing a blunt. Their bodies entrapped the flames, and Everly kept her eyes down until she could assess her own mental capacity to possibly have to interact. Mostly, she just wanted to go home, but she knew that Mason wanted to get to know Pierson. Even though she knew Mason would probably oblige her wanting to leave, she wanted to prove to herself, and everyone else, that she was fine. She was fine before Henley— she could be fine now.

  “Everly,” Pierson’s warm voice got her attention. Her eyes met his face, and she felt herself cringe a little. The same sea of freckles covered Pierson’s nose that covered Henley’s, and it was enough to make her heart fall. “Would you like a drink? We have beer.”

  She shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”

  Pierson smiled at her, making the beauty mark above his top lip more noticeable. “Great. Mason, how about you?”

  “That’d be brilliant. Thanks.”

  Everly watched Pierson nod, and Mason’s big, brown puppy dog eyes followed Pierson as he walked away.

  Her best friend’s attention finally came back to her, and he motioned for them to sit. He took a seat in front of a rock, and let her have that space.

  “Are you okay, Eve? Honestly, truly okay?” Mason wouldn’t believe her no matter what she said, so she buried her face in her hands instead.

  “I don’t have any right to not be. He’s not my boyfriend. I know what his game is.” Everly took a deep breath.

  “You like him. That’s okay, ya know? To be hurt.” Mason withdrew his attention once Pierson reappeared, holding out a beer for them both.

  Everly sat up straight, thanking Pierson for the drink and watched as Pierson moved to sit on a different rock next to her. With Mason in the middle, Everly’s emotions kept a good balance. Mason could shield her from anything this way.

  “Ready to smoke?” A deep, raspy voice cut through the silence. The guy that stood there had to be close to Mason’s height, but he was broad in stature. He had short, blond hair and blue eyes. His small, indented nose was slightly crooked as it rested in the center of his face. His thin lips rested close to the bottom of his nose.

  He extended a newly lit blunt to Pierson, who accepted it eagerly.

  “Tanner, need you ask?” Pierson responded before bringing it to his lips and filling his lungs.

  Mason turned his head slightly as Everly opened her beer. “You don’t have to participate, you know? It’s okay if you don’t.”

  Everly let her eyes meet Mason’s before she lifted the can to her lips to take a drink. When the beer fell back down to his[ it’s?] normal, resting position, Everly shook her head. “I think I’m going to. Why not, right? You tell me to let loose. Everyone else does.”

  Mason’s eyes widened slightly, and his eyebrows went down. It told her he was trying to figure out if he should let it happen. “Don’t do it because of…” He trailed off, and Everly glared at him.

  “Have I ever done anything that I didn’t want to do?” she asked him, more roughly than she meant to. Her eyes lifted from Mason to the boy—Tanner standing near them, a big smile on his face. She diverted her attention again. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.” Her emotions were no longer hers.

  It didn’t take much for Everly to start feeling it. Came with the territory since she never really did anything, by choice. Her head was light, and she felt numb. It was a much-needed state of mind.

  Everything was a blur until she heard Henley’s voice slice through the haze.

  “I didn’t mean to, Everly.”

  Her eyes lifted to find his face, pale and slightly off. His light green eyes were glassy and red, and it hurt her heart to see how out of his mind he was.

  She parted her lips to speak as her eyebrows lowered. “You didn’t mean to kiss another girl? How is that even possible?”

  The dull ache in her chest was getting harder to ignore the longer he stood in front of her. Heavy heartbeats rattled her as she watched him try to form words.

  “It just happened.” He raked his fingers through his disheveled hair. “It wasn’t planned. You have to understand.”

  “I have to understand?” Her jaw locked, and she stood up. “I don’t have to do anything. And no, I don’t understand.”

  He looked at her with desperation clouding his eyes. “I don’t know how to handle my feelings for you, Ev. I panicked.”

  She held her hand up, and she licked her lips before she spoke. “You definitely don’t handle them by kissing someone else. I was confused, too. But I still knew I liked you enough to not go kissing other people.” Pausing, she laughed to herself as the tears began to spill over. “You know what? I don’t even have a right to be mad. You don’t have a reason to worry. We’re both single. You’re allowed to kiss whoever you want, and so am I.” The coldness in her voice was unsteady; even she had a hard time believing it.

  “Please don’t.”

  His hands reached out for her, but she shifted away. “I need time, Henley. I can’t..” She trailed off, holding her face in her hands as she began to break again.

  She could hear Pierson’s hushed voice telling him it was time to go.

  After a long moment, Henley quietly agreed. Before he walked off, he breathed out one last statement. “I’m sorry, Ev.”

  Her head lifted as she watched Pierson escort Henley away. The inhale she drew in staggered midway and she held her chest.

  Don’t cry again, Everly. Get yourself together.

  Mason had stood at some point, but she was grateful for the warm hug he wrapped her in.

  “I just want to forget about it for a while.” She mumbled into his chest, her eyes burning from the tears.

  “I say we have some fun for the rest of the evening, keep you distracted. What do you say?” He had pulled back, smiling his toothy grin in her direction. Looking around the fire to see people still watching them, Mason’s British accent carried through the night. “Come on, the show’s over people.”

  ———————

  How did she go from harmlessly flirting to the back seat of Tanner’s fire engine red Dodge Charger? His lips were decorating her jaw and neck, his thick hands moving down the length of her body to her bare thighs. With no hesitation, he slid his hand underneath her black dress and pulled at the maroon lace around her hips. Her head was pounding, and she wasn’t exactly sure where Tanner’s lips were from the erratic placement. It felt strange being tangled with someone that wasn’t Henley. She clenched her jaw, letting her focus shift to Tanner’s fumbling hands between them. Swallowing hard, she looked at his hands as he shoved his jeans down. This moment didn’t have to be some gloriously romantic moment— it wasn’t for most people. Why was she any different? Her virginity had become more trouble than it was worth.

  “Condom.” She put her hand on his chest to stop him. It wasn’t a request.

  “Got it.” Tanner replied, adjusting to prepare himsel
f. Shouldn’t she feel more nervous than this? Shouldn’t she feel something?

  When he returned, he took no time aligning and pushing inside of her. It wasn’t entirely his fault— she did not want him to be aware of her situation. It was uncomfortable and awkward, but he didn’t seem to feel the same as she did. He kept his movements steady as she clenched her teeth in discomfort. Perhaps this was her punishment for trying this at all.

  —————

  Everly had insisted that Mason stay to hang out with Pierson. She didn’t feel like staying and she really didn’t want to talk to Mason about what happened. Luckily, he was tipsy enough not to be so in tune with Everly’s current state. After asking her twice if she was okay, he finally let her send for a Lyft.

  During the twenty minute ride home, her mind didn’t stop racing. Being with Tanner was completely opposite of how she felt with Henley. He could look at her a certain way, and her body would start up. His smile got her, too. And those eyes. And freckles. And laugh. So much of her wanted to cry, but her tears weren’t coming. Her head still hurt, and all she could smell was an unpleasant mix of beer and smoke.

  When she got home, she immediately headed upstairs to her room and shed her black dress. She started up her shower to get the water to heat up. Collecting her phone, she looked at the time. 12:41am. Her mind circled back to Henley. The state he was in when she last saw him made her worry that he made it home okay. Pierson had still been at the bonfire. She tapped her screen as the heat from her shower started to fog her mirror. The blue blinking cursor made her take in a deep breath before pushing the text message through to the boy she couldn’t get out of her head.

  Did you make it home okay?

  1

  More to This

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Henley

  If falling on his face in front of everyone wasn’t embarrassing enough, laying on his bathroom floor as the contents of his stomach came back up was enough reason to feel worthless. He didn’t know why he thought the party would ease the Everly-induced dread. There had never been anyone like her—who wanted him for who he was, who didn’t care how many girls he had fucked to get over Victoria. Although there was no reason for him to pick up his first beer or smoke on his first joint, he still did to forget how great she made him feel. He was scared of how deep his feelings were, and he was worried she would run the moment he messed up.

  After five beers, he was more than a little buzzed. All of a sudden he was sitting with this bubbly girl, and then he was kissing her. Henley groaned as he picked himself up off the floor, his stomach feeling emptier then it ever had. He splashed some water on his face and brushed his teeth, trying to feel more alive.

  Henley could usually handle a lot of alcohol. The combination of his stress and how quickly he consumed it all must have turned his stomach much sooner than usual. He grabbed a bottled water on his way to his porch, picking up his phone and cigarettes on the way. Before lighting up, he sipped the cool liquid, trying to replace everything he lost with something better. The smoke filled his lungs rather unpleasantly, but he needed the nicotine to get through the night. It would be a while before he passed out.

  The vibrating of his phone surprised him. Everly’s name displayed on his lock screen, and Henley cringed. Was she texting to yell at him some more? He deserved it.

  Did you make it home okay?

  The words were calm and kind, and he wasn’t good enough for her. He would never be. The text was open, his sore, exhausted eyes watching the cursor blink in place.

  I did. Did you?

  Another long drag filled his lungs, and he was sure the relief he felt came from Everly’s contact.

  Everly’s name was on his screen again, but this time she was calling him. He felt a lump form in his throat, and he swallowed it down before sliding his thumb across the screen to accept the call.

  “Hello?” he asked, his voice sounding much rougher than he expected it to. After violently throwing up, it should have been expected.

  “Tonight didn’t go at all like I planned,” she said, her voice sad—almost defeated.

  He focused on the sound of her voice, he relished the deeper tones as he reminded himself that he was lucky she was contacting him at all. “How had you planned it to go?” he asked, his free hand putting out the cigarette in his hand.

  He thought about the anger behind her beautiful brown eyes, and how she looked at him like she hated him. He sighed into the phone, waiting for her response.

  “For starters, I would have gone home with you.”

  Henley released a shaky breath. He had fucked up so badly. He always made the worst mistakes. “You were going to go home with me?”

  Everly was responding much quicker than he was, but she knew what she wanted to say to him. He was trying his best not to upset her again. “I wanted to, but instead, we’re both miserable. Both of us made horrible decisions, and I wish I could take the entirety of the night back.”

  “What bad decision did you make? Are you okay?” Henley’s eyebrows lowered as he focused off into the distance, waiting for the worst possible blow.

  The breath she took was deep enough for him to hear clearly, and he felt nerves knot his stomach up. Her voice was a little sterner, “I don’t want to hurt you any more than the night already has, okay? Please know that.” She paused, but Henley didn’t say anything. “Things went a little farther than I should’ve let them.”

  “With who?” he asked, his heart slamming around in his chest. Not Pierson. Not Pierson.

  “Tanner,” she said.

  Henley squeezed his eyes shut. He was worse than Pierson. Tanner and Henley had history, and Tanner had been known to start a few fights on select drunken occasions. If he saw any bit of their interaction at the party, he would have pounced knowing Henley had a weak spot for her. Unfortunately, Henley didn’t remember too much of the audience, only the main three staring at him: Everly, Mason, and Pierson.

  “How far are we talking?” he asked, losing his breath mid-sentence.

  Her hesitation to answer him right away made him ache. It had to be bad. “I slept with him.”

  Pain and anger pulsed through him, shaking his muscles. “Fucking hell. I pushed you that far?” Henley’s voice cracked. It was supposed to be him. It was always supposed to be him.

  “Henley, just stop. I made this decision. Just like you made yours.” She was frustrated with him, but he didn’t care. He was also frustrated with himself. “I really don’t understand what the big deal is about sex. Maybe I’m too messed up to get it.”

  A tormented chuckle slipped past his lips. “Being messed up makes it better. I promise you that.” He chewed on his lip, wanting to know private information about her first time. It would make the difference. “Did you not cum?”

  “Ugh, you would ask me that.”

  “It’s important, Ev. It’s your reward for dealing with the intrusion. Unless it’s lovemaking, it’s not really worth it for you without that pleasure.”

  “I don’t know if I did.”

  Henley shook his head, “Then it’s a no. You would know.”

  “It should have been you,” she said quietly.

  Henley sat there, no evidence of tears around his eyes but the weight of it all pulling his head downward. Knowing that she lost her virginity to his least favorite prick made him even angrier about the night. He didn’t deserve her, not any more than Henley did. He grabbed his water bottle and took a drink from it before placing his free hand in a fist against his thigh. What did he say now?

  “Have you ever made love?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper now.

  Pursing his lips, he thought about Victoria and all of her games. “I thought it was making love. She didn’t. The same girl who gave me my first kiss.” He laughed to himself, pathetically. “I should have known, though. She was always trying to change who I was. What I did. Because it wasn’t me that she wanted.”

  “I didn’t know that you went through
that,” she said.

  “Maybe we only know each other superficially,” Henley said honestly.

  “Maybe you’re right. I can’t tell if it’s more my fault or your fault that we don’t know each other more.”

  Henley thought about how many walls he had around him, and how hard it was to keep him there with her, texting her every day. A lot of the problem stemmed from him, for sure. “Can we try again?”

  The silent air between them was thick around him. The phone gave him no evidence of her presence, but he waited patiently. “Let’s try to be friends.”

  “That’s going to be difficult,” Henley said, thinking of how often he wanted to touch and kiss her.

  “I know, but that’s all I can give right now, H.”

  He lit another cigarette, releasing puffs of smoke into the spring air as he contemplated how everything went downhill so quickly, and how deep he was.

  “I’ll take what you will give.” He remembered giving a similar answer to Mason in the beginning of their friendship. It was coming full circle. Could he go through it all again?

  “As long as you’re sure.” Her voice was growing more gentle the longer they spoke, and he hoped the anger was wearing away.

  Proving himself to her was going to be difficult, and he wasn’t sure what it would take. He was willing to try, because he knew that he wanted her. “I promise to keep my hands and lips to myself. I won’t see anyone else. I want us to get to know each other.”

  “I want that, too.”

  Henley smiled for the first time since the bonfire—the worst night of his year. School was ending in the next week, and he didn’t want a summer without her. It was their time to really focus on each other without the demands of class. He would let her take her time, and come to him when she was ready.

  “I don’t really want to be alone tonight. Mason stayed behind with Pierson.” She took in a breath, and he let his follow hers. “Will you stay the night with me?”