by Nissa Leder
Claire offered to give me a ride to school today, but I declined. Instead, I plan to take the public bus. It’s a bit of a walk to the stop, but with barely a cloud in the sky, today is made for enjoying the outdoors before spending the bulk of my day trapped inside the stuffy school.
Dad is already gone for work, so I make sure to lock up as I leave my house. The bus stop is a four-block walk and I have a half-hour to get there. As I shut the yard gate behind me, I notice an unfamiliar brown car parked a few houses down.
At first, I brush it off as just someone visiting a neighbor, but then I notice the man sitting in the driver’s seat is staring at me.
Weird.
Clearly, I need to lay off the crime shows—which are Dad’s favorite and always on when we spend time together in the living room.
As I’m halfway down the street, I glance back.
The brown car is gone.
Convinced I’m making too much about nothing, I stick in my headphones and finish my walk to the bus stop. After a twenty-minute ride—which without stops would have taken five minutes—I get off at the stop closest to the school.
When the bus pulls away, I see the same brown car that was parked at my neighbor’s.
Surely, it’s just the same type of car, not the same exact one, I try to reassure myself. But when I’m almost to it, I see the same face as before in looking at me in a side mirror.
Do I keep going? Should I turn around and go a different direction. Before I make up my mind, a car honks behind me and I nearly jump out of my shoes.
I turn to see Dr. Tucker’s SUV pulled over and Tuck’s big grin smiling from the driver’s seat.
“Get in,” he mouths as he gestures to the passenger side.
I’m surprised—and a little relieved—Darien isn’t with him.
As I open the door, I glance back to the brown car one more time to see it pull away.
“Hey, V,” Tuck says. “You look tired.”
I give a mock huff. “Well, don’t you know how to flatter a girl in the morning?”
Leave it to Tuck to bring out his unprovoked honesty first thing in the morning, completely oblivious to how it sounds. But I’m sure he’s right. I barely slept last night. Between the thunder and lightning that rolled through as I got into bed, to a night of horrific dreams, quality sleep was impossible.
He shrugs his shoulder. “You know I would have given you a ride from your house if you’d asked.”
“I know.” I toss my backpack inside and hop in. “But I figured I’d take public transportation for a change. Builds character, ya know?”
“Sure it does. Or maybe you were worried I’d be riding with someone else?” His eyebrow curves as he clicks on his blinker and pulls back into the street.
“Did you see that brown car ahead?” I ask, both curious and wanting to change the subject.
“Yeah, why?”
“Well, I swear it was by my house when I was walking to the first bus stop.”
As we go through an intersection, I stare down the street and see it parked in front of a house. “Now, it’s down there.” I point.
“That’s odd.” He grimaces. “You doing okay with everything?”
From Tuck’s reaction, or lack of one, I must just be worrying too much.
“Hanging in there.” I take a deep breath. “Is everything really okay with Darien? I saw him yesterday and he seemed … distracted.”
“Did he tell you anything?” Tuck pulls into a turning lane and glances at me. “About why he was upset?”
“Just that he’s still figuring things out after Pops’ death.”
“He’ll get it all sorted,” Tuck says. “But maybe you two are better as friends.”
I’m not sure if he’s telling me this because Darien has confided in him something he hasn’t told me, or for a different reason. Tuck and I have been friends forever, but I know before I was with Darien, he felt something more for me. Maybe some old feelings have grown again. But something tells me it has to do with Darien. I’ve seen the way he looks at the new girl.
“Yeah, maybe.”
Tuck parks and I grab my bag. “Thanks for the ride.”
“V—” he says before I get out. “It isn’t you, okay? Anyone would be lucky to date you. D just has stuff on his plate.”
It isn’t you, it’s him. Yeah, like I haven’t heard that cliché before.
I swallow and pray I don’t cry. “Yeah, he’s said as much.” I smile. “Things will work out for the better. The best sunsets are after cloudy days, right?”
Part of me knows everything will turn out okay one way or another.
I wish I believed it was all for the best.
Rachel Sharp’s kiss still lingers on my lips and replayed all night in vivid dreams that had left me wide awake and edgy in the early hours. By 4 a.m., I was already pounding out the miles on our basement treadmill. I had left the house by 6 to sneak in some light weights in the locker room, empty other than Coach McCabe, who was reviewing game footage in the adjacent room.
Now, I’m searching for her in the crowded commons area, where students cluster together by the dozen, but there’s no sign of her. The memory of her dark eyes and slick skin, wet with rain, sends a rush of heat southbound and ties my guts in knots.
I take a deep breath, trying not to consider who she is to me and everything it means. If I do, it’s too much. Too overwhelming. It must scare the hell out of Rachel, too, because I don’t think she ever intended to kiss me at all, and now she’s trying to keep her distance.
In the corner of the commons, Ava is in our usual spot. She’s talking to Claire with an intense look. I wonder if she’s telling her about the letter. Guilt courses through me. I’m thinking of kisses when I should be worried about demons and my broken-hearted ex-girlfriend. Claire looks up and catches my eye, glaring at me. Ava follows the direction of her hatred and watches me with red-rimmed eyes.
I wave.
She waves back, giving me a slight smile.
I’m kind of afraid to approach because … well … Claire is a force of nature, and the eye of the hurricane is focused on me. But I’m determined not to abandon Ava, even though we aren’t together anymore. I head toward them, weaving through laughing students, everyone goofing off before first bell, when I run into Tuck.
“I’ve been looking for you everywhere, D,” Tuck says. “When you didn’t pick me up this morning, I thought something was up. I’m worried about you, man.”
All of my sympathy for Ava shifts to anger directed at Tuck, my best friend, my Priest.
I straighten my back and look him right in the eye. “You seriously don’t want to talk to me right now, Tuck.”
He backs off, creating some distance. “Guess that means you talked to Gran last night.”
“That’s one way to put it,” I say. “I think I’m bringing pizza home for some regular Monday night. Next thing I know, there’s some adopted uncle I never knew about sitting in my kitchen, spewing the truth about how my entire life has been a lie.”
Tuck reaches out, but I shrug off his touch. He lied to me.
“Look, D, I didn’t agree with what your Pops did.” He looks around, seeing who’s listening, and lowers his voice. “But it wasn’t my decision. It was Thomas’ choice. I didn’t have a say in it, and I’ve been trying to be the best friend I could be, even with the weight of this secret.”
“You lied to me,” I say, raising my voice. “Everyone who was supposed to care about me lied to me. Do you know how that feels?”
“D, I’m sorry, man. I know this is a lot, but you’ve got to understand, it wasn’t my place to tell you the truth,” he says, eyeing the crowd again. “It wasn’t my right.”
I know what Tuck is saying is true. Every word of it. But I’m pissed, and it’s ripping my heart out to be so mad at Pops, who was my hero for so long, and he’s not here to yell at anyway.
“And what about Ava?” I say. “Did you ever consider how dangerous all this
would be for her? Just knowing us puts her in danger. The least you could’ve done is back off over the years, distanced yourself, distanced us from her.”
“Oh, so I don’t care about Ava now,” Tuck says. “Darien, listen to yourself, and look around you. It doesn’t matter if I never make another friend for the rest of my life. They’re all in danger. Stop making this about everyone else when you know it’s all about you.”
“You wanna talk about me?” I ask. “Okay, well, how would you feel if you were me? You’ve known all these years. I just found out that everything I’ve ever worked for, everything I’ve ever done, it’s all for nothing. It’s all gone.”
“So this is really about football?” Tuck asks. “This is all about your future?”
“You don’t understand!” I scream.
“Yes, I do,” Tuck says. “Because I’ve never had a choice. I’ve always known where I’m going. At least you had the illusion of choice for all these years. Well, you know what, Super Jock? I say that if you want football, if you want med school, go get it. No one’s stopping you. But you’ll find out that now, it’s going to be a little harder. But like always, I’ll just keep following you.”
His words hit me like a punch to the face. For all the anger I feel toward Tuck, he has seventeen years of pent up resentment ready to unleash. I never considered what it must be like for him.
“Everything has always come easy for you, Darien. Maybe if you’d get your head out of your ass long enough, you’d realize Pops did you a favor. Welcome to reality. I’ve lived here for a lot longer than you.”
I’m so mad, I can barely see, and if I stick around, one of us will end up bleeding. So, before I destroy a friendship that means everything to me, I turn around and walk back the way I came. The last thing I see is Ava staring open-mouthed, as her two best friends walk in opposite directions.
I can’t shake the jittery feeling I’ve had since seeing the brown car.
Everything in my gut says he was following me. But that’s crazy, right?
Maybe it isn’t. I’ve seen the stories on the news of young women being kidnapped by predators. I’m sure none of those girls would have thought something so horrible could happen to them.
My mind is somewhere else as I weave through the students in the hallway, assaulted by the lovely blend of too much perfume and B.O., on the way to my locker.
When I turn the corner, a figure is waiting for me. “Boo!”
Without thinking, I ball my fist and swing at the person’s face.
The person—who I quickly realize is just Claire—catches my fist in her hand. Her grip is firm, pushing against my arm with incredible force. Her grasp loosens and I retract my arm.
“You okay, Ava?” she asks as she drops her arms to her sides.
“Yeah,” I mumble, still dazed at what just happened. “Did I hurt you?”
I can’t believe I just tried to punch my best friend. And even crazier, she blocked it like she was some karate master.
She reaches across her body and rubs the palm that blocked me. “A little stinger is all.”
Until I mentioned it, she seemed unfazed, as if it didn’t hurt in the slightest.
“I’m so sorry,” I say. “It’s been a strange morning. There was this car parked by my house when I left to catch the public bus and then when I got off the bus, the car was waiting for me.” As I say it aloud, I realize how ludicrous it sounds. “I’m sure it was just a coincidence.”
She presses her lips, concern squeezing her eyebrows together. “Maybe it has something to do with Finn. You don’t know him, Ava.”
“Neither do you.” I don’t know why I’m so defensive, but I don’t understand why she’s being so negative about him. She’s gone on all kinds of blind dates.
Claire lifts a hand to her hip. “That’s not the point.”
“You think he hired someone to stalk me?” I adjust my messenger bag on my shoulder. “He gave me a ride home yesterday. If he wanted to murder me, he could have taken me to the woods somewhere and did it then.”
“Everyone saw you leave school with him, so he would have been a suspect if you ended up missing. If he hires someone, he can be somewhere else and have an alibi.” She runs a finger through the roots of her hair, which is the perfect mix of messy and wavy today. She’s flawless, as usual.
Hearing Claire’s ludicrous theory makes me feel even sillier for worrying in the first place.
“Honestly, it’s probably nothing. I’ve been emotional lately and I must be looking into to it all too much,” I say. “When I got home last night, there was a letter from my mom in the mail and it’s just been a tough week.”
“Oh my god, Ava. Did you read it?”
“Actually, Darien read it to me.” My gaze drops to the ground. I went on a date with some stranger after school and ended the night with my ex. Even though nothing happened, I know it sounds awful. “She claims to be sober and wants to meet up.”
As I prepare myself for a lecture about being smarter, Claire pulls me into a hug. “I’m so sorry. That’s unfair of her to ask of you.”
When she pulls back, I shrug. “It is. But there’s a part of me that desperately wants to see her. She’s still my mom.”
The warning bell chimes and the students still in the hallway all scatter off to their first-period classrooms.
“You need to do what you feel is right,” Claire says. “We’ll talk more later. If I’m late to Ms. Newton’s class again, she promised me a week’s detention.”
Since I don’t have time to go to my locker now, I lug my heavy bag to art class.
I find the piece I started yesterday and take it to my usual spot. The leaf and dew droplet are all sketched and ready for color, and I decide on colored pencils. After finding the right green hue, I start to fill in the leaf.
But I can’t focus, and instead of making any progress, I spend the entire period swirling around thoughts of Darien, Finn, and Mom.
Next is calculus. I choose a seat back again, still not ready to sit next to Darien like I used to. When he enters the classroom and sees me, I smile. As mad and confused as I am, seeing him still sends a flutter through me. How long until that feeling is gone forever? Is that even what I want?
If I thought I sucked at focusing in art class, math is even worse. As Mrs. Baker lectures, I stare out the window. When she gives us today’s assignment, I open my book and zone out, fighting the overwhelming desire to close my eyes and doze off. If the rest of today goes like the first two classes, I’m going to have a lot of homework tonight.
Once class is over, I take my time putting my math book back in my bag, making me one of the last to leave. I should just head to my next class, but instead, I speed walk to catch Darien.
“Darien.” His name comes out quieter than I’d meant.
He turns and gives a half-grin. His eyes look even lighter than they did yesterday. Is that even possible? I’ve never heard of eyes changing their color that much. Maybe it’s just the fluorescent lighting.
“Everything okay?” he asks.
I won’t burden him with my weird morning. “Things are fine. I just wanted to thank you again. I know things are awkward, but I don’t know how I would have read that letter without you.”
His hand moves to the back of his neck. “Of course. I’ll always be here when you need me.”
With tears threatening to surface, I hold my breath. “Are you sure everything is going to be okay with you?”
At first when he broke things off with me, I hadn’t paid attention to the changes in him. But now, I see the dark circles under his eyes and the tiredness in his voice.
“Yeah, I’m just trying to sort some things out.” His gaze meets mine and I swear he’s lying. “It’ll all work out.”
“Of course.”
I notice a figure hovering a few feet behind Darien. It’s Rachel, leaning against the lockers and typing something on her phone.
“I think someone else wants to talk,” I
say.
Darien tilts his head in confusion.
“Behind you.” I nod my head in her direction.
He glances at her and she looks up.
As usual, her long hair is down and she’s dressed in those ridiculous gloves. Has she made any other friends yet? Doubtful. I haven’t noticed her talking to anyone but Darien, which is definitely weird.
Her gaze meets mine and her eyes momentarily narrow. She looks back at her phone then clicks it off and sticks it in her pocket before walking over to us.
“I should go drop some of these books off in my locker before class,” I say, feeling suddenly uncomfortable.
“See ya later?” Darien asks.
“Sure.” I smile. I’m not sure if I can handle just being friends, yet, but I want to try.
Someone walks by and bumps into Rachel, pushing her into Darien.
He grabs onto her before she slams into the lockers. As I turn my head to leave, something catches my eye.
As Rachel’s skin touches Darien’s, it glows.
12
I should never have kissed him.
I got so caught up in Darien’s emotional breakdown last night that I didn’t have a clear head. Holy hot lips, it was amazing, but it never should have happened. I should have been calm and collected. I should have been there for him to talk to. His grandmother and Uriah Donnelly just dropped a nuclear-sized bomb on his entire life, and I ran inside like a coward.
Now, he’s angry at his best friend, the Priest in our Triad, which is not a good place to be. We have to work seamlessly together as one. If we don’t, people will get hurt.
I see Darien walking out of his third-period class with Ava. My stomach twists inside my middle. The reaction infuriates me. I don’t want to feel this way about him—so out of control. Even though I try to fight the reaction, I feel my eyes narrow at Ava. It’s not her fault any of this happened, and part of me feels guilty. The other half of me want to claw her eyes out like some classless psycho driven by blind jealousy.