I couldn’t hold back my laugh when the four former SEALs’ mouths opened and shut not knowing what to say.
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Kyle was the first to break. “A fuckin’ documentary doesn’t tell you shit.”
“Like to see you try and get through Hell Week,” Thad added.
“Only those of us with the testicular fortitude to endure extreme conditions made it through,” Brooks said and I burst out laughing again.
I had been waiting for Declan to put in his two-cents. He was Army, not Navy. Former Force Recon, who had been recruited to the CIA and had trained at The Farm. But he remained silent. Which was puzzling. I wondered if his team knew he’d been with the agency. They all seemed tight, and it didn’t seem like something he’d keep from them. But if he was, then he had his own reasons for doing so and I’d keep my mouth shut.
“All right, all right. Sheesh. BUD/s is tougher than The Farm,” I gave in.
“You really don’t know anything about who you work for?” Thad inquired.
I wouldn’t say his tone was accusatory but more inquisitive.
“No. And from what Zane just told me, I’m beginning to question the sagacity of my decision. I took the job because I wanted to work alone. I needed time to put my life after James back together.”
“What happened when you were captured?” That was from Declan.
The whimper that followed was unintentional. I cut my eyes to Brooks, ready to lambast him for sharing something that was not his business to share. But I found he wasn’t looking at me, he was staring at Declan. And he was pissed.
“How much do you know?” I asked.
“Just what Zane told me. You were following a lead on some artifacts coming out of Iraq into Saudi Arabia. You were ambushed by some men who were with Lucre and they had you for two days.”
“Then you know everything,” I told him.
“Right.”
“What do you want, Declan? You wanna see what they left me with? It’s not pretty. Forty-eight hours they played with me. Two fucking days they whipped me, knifed me, tied me up, laughed at me. And when they were done, they walked out with four relics all under three inches. All four pieces could fit in your hand. That’s what they wanted. Toying with me? That was nothing but fun for them. So again, you know everything. There’s nothing more to the story. They found me, took me, scarred me, and nearly took my life.”
Four angry growls came from the men. I couldn’t handle anymore. Q and A was over.
“Tatiana—”
“Don’t, Declan. I get it. You’re protecting your team. I don’t have any motivation other that the mission at hand. My assignment was to win an auction, then move on to some ancient cones coming up for sale. My orders have shifted and I’m on board.”
“I just wanted to know if we get to a place where we’re hauling Al Issa’s ass in, if you’ll be okay.”
“Then I’ll tell you the same thing I told Zane. I see Al Issa, I’m puttin’ a bullet in his head. He owes me more than a pound of flesh for what his men did to me. I live every day in a body that is desecrated because of him. I’m taking my payment.”
“They violate you?” Brooks’ low growl had me rocking back on my heels.
“Violate?”
“Rape you?” he clarified.
“No. They were having too much fun carving me up. Making sure every time I saw what they left me, I’d be disgusted.”
“Nothing disgusting about you, Doll.”
“Right. Everyone loves to see skin that looks like a cheese grater’s been taken to it.”
“Those marks are a reminder of how strong you are. What you went through and came out even stronger.”
“I’d rather not have the reminder.”
“And I’d rather you didn’t as well. But you do, and they’re fucking beautiful.”
He was too close. I needed him to step back before I did something stupid like wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his chest. “Every line on your back a testament to your strength. Every scar a reminder you are breathing. You get that shot, take it. But, baby, it’s not going to make the scars disappear. Only you can do that. And you do it by embracing them. Not one fuckin’ thing disgusting about you.”
I wanted to argue with him, remind him of what he’d seen when he saw me with my shirt off. How gross my back looked, but I couldn’t. I was too fucking tired. Bone-deep tired. Emotionally drained from talking about the two worst topics in my life. Why didn’t they want to know the easy stuff like my family life, where I’d grown up, if I had siblings? Questions that wouldn’t put me on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. The scariest part was, I wanted Brooks curled behind me holding me tight. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea tagging along with the team. Maybe I needed a clean break.
Chapter 14
Tatiana had murmured her goodnights and went back into the bedroom. No one spoke until the door closed behind her.
“What the fuck?” I turned to Dec.
“Everyone in this room had the right to know where her head was at about what happened to her.”
“I agree. Think maybe a word with her in private first would’ve been the cool thing to do?”
Declan’s features went hard and I knew he was gearin’ up to say something that was going to piss me the hell off. “Let me ask you this. If I questioned a man the same way I questioned her, would your balls be twisted? Or a better question, if you weren’t fuckin’ her and I inquired about an operation that went south. One that has the same players as the one we’re getting ready to walk her into, would you be pissed?”
“Fuck! It’s not—”
“Yes, Brooks, it’s exactly like that. I’m not going to pretend to understand.” Declan’s hands went up. “I know nothing about love, feelings, emotional shit. I watched the big, bad Zane Lewis fall in love, I suppose it’s possible for a jackass like you to do it, too. But do not let that shit get in the way of my mission again. I wasn’t trying to hurt or embarrass her. I knew the mission specifics but I needed to know if we walked her into Lucre if she’d be on a suicide mission to get to Al Issa. That happens, we’re all fucked. I need to know she has the capability to keep her shit in check and take someone’s back. If one or all of us has to babysit her, she’s of no use.”
I wasn’t paying attention after he said love. Who the hell said anything about falling in love? She was hot. A phenomenal kisser and was great in bed. Or in the shower as it were. Bottom line was, I was thinking with my dick, not my heart. No one said anything about feelings. I was pretty sure she’d said she didn’t want complicated, either. Emotions were a complication. No. We were two adults that had engaged in a mutually beneficial activity and I planned on engaging in it plenty more.
“You said it was fucked, but you didn’t say how fucked,” Thad said in a hushed voice.
“About as bad as she described it, minus the disgusting part. There’s probably not a square inch of her back that isn’t scarred. Through and through to her stomach. Honestly, I don’t see how she lived. Half of the wounds should’ve killed her.”
“Fucking hell,” he growled.
“Damn,” Kyle mumbled.
“It’s been two years and I can tell you she was left with more than just the physical scars. That shit marked her deep. Monroe did, too. She acts bitchy as a way to protect herself, one hand up warding off anyone from getting too close.”
“You gonna help her with that?” Max asked.
“With what?”
“With dropping that hand?” I didn’t answer and he sighed. “You said it yourself, the asshat Monroe left her with the need to protect herself. She doesn’t need you dickin’ her around.”
“You think I’d dick her around?”
“You weren’t exactly quiet in the shower. You haven’t hidden the fact there’s…. something…whatever that is, between the two of you. So, yes, brother, I think you’d dick her around. Uni
ntentionally.”
“I’m handling it.”
“Hope so. That woman has been through enough.”
Now he was pissing me way the hell off. I’d never given anyone on my team reason to think I’d fuck over a woman. My days of picking up women in a bar for a quickie in my truck were long over. Therefore, I told him, “You’re pissing me the fuck off.” I did this on a growl. I also did this in a way there was no mistaking he’d, Pissed Me The Fuck Off.
“I can see that,” Max returned, completely unfazed by my annoyance.
“I’ll tell you one last time, I’m handling it—with care.”
On a nod he announced, “I’m hitting the head, then hittin’ the sack. I’m wiped.”
The rest of the team, except Declan, murmured their goodnights and headed off to their rooms.
“You straight?” he asked when we were alone.
“I am. Are you?” His head tilted and he stared at me. “Your first op as team leader. It isn’t exactly going as planned,” I reminded him.
“Nothing ever goes as planned.”
This was true. Even the best planned ops always had some sort of hiccup. One of the many reasons we had backup plans for our backup plans.
“And Tatiana? You okay with her taggin’ along?”
“I knew her before she quit the CIA. Well, not personally, more I knew of her. My area of focus was Central and South America, hers was the Middle East. That doesn’t mean I didn’t hear a lot about her. She had a stellar reputation. Smart, quick on her feet. Great with human assets and information gathering. She and Monroe met on a mission.”
“No shit?”
“Rumor has it, she flat out laughed in his face and turned him down. He worked at it. Took him months after they got back stateside to get her to agree to go out for drinks. Then months after that to nail her down and get her to commit. And when I say worked at it, he pulled out all the stops. He may be an asshat, lying scumbag, but he knew how to turn on the charm and wear her down. Around the CIA she was known as the Ice Queen. No one got close. So this, what’s going on between the two of you, the fact she’s let you in, both literally and figuratively. No matter how small.” He smirked and went on. “Is not her normal MO. So when you say you’re handling her with care, I hope you mean with kid gloves.”
I thought about what he said. He was wrong, not that I would correct him. Tatiana didn’t need kid gloves, she’d see right through that play and it’d piss her off. She needed honesty.
“I have it under control.”
Dec sighed and shook his head. “I hope so. That woman has a short temper and the potential to decimate you.”
“Me?”
“You’re not real good at hiding your shit, brother. When Zane told me what happened to her, your earlier shit hemorrhage made sense. You saw her scars.”
I was going to deny that I’d had a shit hemorrhage but I couldn’t. His description was better than me telling him I wanted to commit murder.
“I’d have that reaction with anyone.”
“Bull-fucking-shit. You’ve seen my scars. You didn’t look like you were ready to punch a wall. You’ve seen Zane’s. You’ve seen the bullet holes in Max’s chest. None of those times upon seeing the marks or hearing the story did you look like you were on the war path.”
Shit. Goddamn, he was right. Time to move on.
“I got my shit sorted. I’m callin’ it a night.”
“Sleep well.” He chuckled.
I flipped him the middle finger over my shoulder, not bothering to look back as I made my way to the bedroom. The room I was now sharing with Tatiana. I may’ve told her I’d take the couch, but shit had changed. Time to adapt and shift.
I gently closed the door behind me, not wanting to wake her. My efforts were for naught. Tatiana sat up in bed and even though it was dark in the room, I could feel her eyes on me.
“What are you doing?”
“Hittin’ the sack. I’m fuckin’ beat.”
“In here? I thought you were taking the couch.”
Knowing she couldn’t see me, I smiled and dropped my pants, kicking them to the side. I yanked off my tee and tossed that, too. I knew she’d be pissed I was joining her and I was looking forward to her sassy mouth telling me all the reasons I needed to get out of her bed.
I crawled in, leaving her no option to move over.
“Brooks,” she hissed.
“There’s more than enough room in here.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Then what is?”
I tucked a pillow under my head, turned to the side, tagged her around her waist, and pulled her back to my front. When she struggled, I tightened my hold and curved my body around hers.
“You can’t sleep in here.”
“Why not?”
“It’s totally inappropriate.”
“And me fucking you in the shower wasn’t?”
“Brooks,” she hissed again, making me smile some more.
I kissed the top of her head and told her, “You don’t strike me as the type of woman who gives a shit what anyone else thinks. I sure as fuck don’t. So why start now?”
“I’m not a slut.”
I tried to stop my body from tightening, I failed. Every muscle bunched. I hated that word and it pissed me off she was inferring I thought she was one.
“I know you’re not.”
“Right. I gave it up easy. And the guys heard. If that doesn’t scream slut, I don’t know what does.”
I pulled back, rolled her to her back, and even though I knew she couldn’t see me, I got face-to-face with her.
“No one. I repeat, no one in this house thinks you’re a slut.”
I could feel her breath on my lips and I wanted to close the distance and taste her, but this was important. I needed to know she understood.
Chapter 15
He was too close. His lips lingered a scant distance above mine and I wanted him to kiss me. Which was a bad idea. Because kissing would turn into something else, and that would to lead to even more something, then I’d be a double slut. And the guys would probably hear again.
I knew this. I knew it was a bad idea. So what the hell was wrong with me? Why did I want him to lean down, just a tiny bit more, and take my mouth? Because I was a double slut, that’s why.
Instead of closing the distance I mumbled, “Right.”
“I will never understand society, women especially. A man goes after what he wants and gets himself some, no one thinks twice about it. A woman takes what she wants, and other women call her a slut. Which leads her to call herself a slut. Which only further makes her think poorly of herself for doing something that is not wrong. And if she’s lucky, she had a good time doing it. So I will tell you again. No one in this house thinks you’re a slut. And most especially not me. I don’t care if you took one look at me, thought to yourself, I’m going to fuck him, and two minutes later you went about doing it. That makes you a woman who knows what she wants. A woman who will take it and not give a shit what anyone else thinks about what she’s doin’. Nowhere in that does it mean you are a slut.”
Well, I now knew his view of women’s sexuality and how they treat one another. It still didn’t change the fact I had taken one look at him and the fantasies began—in earnest.
“All right, Brooks. Then I’ll rephrase. I’m easy.”
“Wrong again. There is nothing easy about you.”
“Yeah. Okay. The first time I let you kiss me you were just coming in the room to tell me dinner was ready. The next time, I walked straight into the shower fully clothed and without thought about anything, including safe sex, I let you fuck me against a wall. All of that not only screams ‘easy’ it screams sl—”
“Tatiana,” he warned.
I ignored him and continued, “It took James months before I let him kiss me. And after that it was another month before I let him touch me.”
“That says more about him than you.”
“How the
hell do you figure that?”
“Doll.” He said “doll” in a way that was more like him calling me dumb than saying my name.
“That’s not an answer.”
“It says you knew you needed to go slow and protect yourself from him. You were cautious, slow, calculating. It also says he’s an idiot. In more ways than one. When a man finds a woman like you, he does not delay making you his. It does not take months to get in there. And when he finally ties you to him, he does not act like a dick and step out on you. He recognizes what he has, and fights like hell to keep it.”
“I can’t argue with you about him being an idiot. But it wasn’t just him. I’ve always been cautious and slow.”
“Then you never found the right kind of man.”
“Uh huh, and let me guess, you’re the right kinda man?”
“When you first saw me, what was your first thought?”
Oh, no. We weren’t going there. There were some things a girl didn’t divulge. First thoughts was one of them.
“I didn’t think anything. I was working.”
“Bullshit. I was working, too, but I took one look at you in your shirt and sexy heels and all I could think about was what those long legs were gonna feel like wrapped around my back.”
“So you thought I was easy upon first glance?”
“No, Doll. I saw a beautiful, sexy woman and knew I was gonna do what I could to get in there. And when you threw me attitude, I knew a hundred percent I was getting in there.”
“That’s easy.” I pointed out.
“Again, nothing easy about you, Doll. You are the very definition of not easy. And straight out, just so know what happened in the shower, it’s gonna happen again. Only it’s gonna happen with you in a bed where I can take my time.”
No. No it wasn’t. I’d already embarrassed myself enough. The guys heard. Declan had shared what he’d heard with Zane, so now he knew, too. I was embarrassing myself. I was behaving like a floozy. I had a job to do, employment I was now questioning, and revenge to enact. Nowhere in there did I have time to complicate my life with great sex. And it was great. I figured if sex in the shower with Brooks standing up was great, sex in a bed where he could take his time would be even better. Off the charts better. So, no, we weren’t doing it again.
Brooks (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 1) Page 9