“Could it be because he never went home last night?”
“Aunt Marti!” Christy said sharply. “He didn’t stay here all night. We both got up early because Todd went surfing while I watched him. We came in a little while ago, and I guess we were both super tired.”
“Oh,” Marti said with a twittering laugh. “Then by all means, don’t let me bother you. I’ll turn off the TV so you can get some more sleep.”
The minute the sound went off, Todd opened his eyes. “What’s going on?”
Christy thought it was funny. She had seen her dad respond the same way. As long as the TV was on, he could snore away, sound asleep in his recliner. The minute the TV was turned off, he would wake up.
“Go back to sleep,” Marti said. “Would you like a blanket?”
“No, I’m fine.” Todd sat up and ran his fingers through the sides of his hair. “Man, I really conked out.”
“It’s only ten-thirty.” Marti said. “Why don’t you sleep some more? It’s Saturday, you know.”
“We must have slept for two hours! Did you sleep too. Christy?”
“I think I fell asleep before you did,” she said, yawning and sticking her bare feet out from under the crocheted blanket.
“Well, as long as you’re both up, would you like to join Robert and me for a leisurely brunch?”
Twenty-five minutes later, Christy and Todd were following Bob and Marti through the buffet line at a nearby resort hotel and loading their plates with a variety of fancy foods. To be specific, Todd was loading his plate. Christy was picking and choosing carefully. She didn’t feel hungry. Instead, she felt more like she had an upset stomach. When she sat down to eat, she realized her queasy stomach was because of Todd’s letter and his turning down the opportunity.
Christy lifted her fork to her mouth and bit into a ripe strawberry. Swallowing the small bite, she licked her lips. They tasted salty.
She took another bite of the strawberry, fully expecting it to taste sweet this time. Again, it tasted salty. Was it the strawberry? Or was it the acid from her grumbling stomach tainting the strawberry?
Todd’s news had been unsettling. But when Christy considered the alternative, his decision was good news. She should be happy. Relieved. Delighted.
She tried to silently pray and ask God to give her His peace the way Todd said he had peace. Even though Todd seemed settled with his decision, she wondered if one day he might resent her for holding him back from his dream. On the other hand, would Christy end up resenting God if someday He took Todd away?
“Bob said he would go with me to the men’s prayer breakfast on Tuesday morning,” Todd said enthusiastically. “Did I tell you that?”
Their weekend together had flown by, and Todd and Christy were now chugging down the freeway on their way to Christy’s house.
“I think my aunt enjoyed church this morning a little more than she did a couple weeks ago. At least she wasn’t as critical. Uncle Bob said he liked it,” Christy said. Her voice quavered as they went over a rough spot on the freeway. Gus passed every bump along to his passengers. “You have a great church. I think they would be comfortable there, if they decided to be involved.”
“Hopefully not too comfortable,” Todd said. “We want them to squirm when the reality of heaven and hell is presented. They need to get saved, not just churched.”
Christy agreed. They drove on down the freeway, each enveloped in private thoughts. It had been a difficult weekend for Christy ever since Todd had made his announcement on the beach. Todd seemed normal, relaxed, and content. Christy hadn’t yet found the peace he had.
Last night her sleep had been sparse. What little sleep she did get was punctuated by fitful dreams. The worst was a nightmare she had had once before, and in that same room.
It was during the summer of the year she gave her heart to the Lord, just before she had made that big decision. She had dreamed she was in the ocean and seaweed had become tangled around her legs and in her hair, pulling her farther and farther down to the bottom of the ocean. That’s when the dream had ended the first time.
But last night it had kept going. She had struggled against the seaweed, pulling and kicking. But she rapidly ran out of air. Then she had heard a voice say, “Let go.” She relaxed, and immediately she was released. Her body had floated to the surface, where she drew in the sweet, fresh air.
Christy didn’t know what it meant.
Maybe what’s bothering me is that we haven’t talked about the prom. I have to know by tomorrow since the prom is only two weeks away. Once we decide, I’ll feel more settled and secure.
Christy tried to think of how to bring up the subject. She could talk to Todd about anything. Why did she feel so tongue-tied about this?
Todd talked a little about school ending next week for him and how he needed to find a summer job. “I might even take a class or two in summer school since I’m not going anywhere.”
Christy thought she detected a hint of sadness or disappointment in his voice. But then summer school never sounded interesting to Christy.
Anxious to keep the plans for their future together headed in a positive direction, Christy said. “I feel relieved about finally deciding to go to Palomar in the fall. I’ll still be at home, which will save money. I’ll still work at the pet store, and we’ll have lots of time to spend together. I think Katie’s going to Palomar too.”
“Cool,” Todd said calmly. “It’s going to be great being together this summer, isn’t it? Long, sunny days on the beach.”
Suddenly Todd turned off the freeway. “I have an idea. Let’s go down to the beach and watch the sunset. If we hurry, we can make it.”
He turned right and then left and then left again as if he knew where he was going. Todd had told Christy before that there was a favorite spot for surfers somewhere along here.
They pulled into San Clemente State Beach and stopped at the small booth where a uniformed park ranger checked cars in and out. Fees were posted on the window for day use, camping, etc.
“How much will it cost for us to go down and watch the sunset?” Todd asked.
The ranger pushed up his wire-rimmed glasses and glanced at Todd, then smiled at Christy. “For you two, how about free?”
“Cool,” Todd said.
“Here, let me give you a half hour pass. Stick it on your window.”
“Thanks.” Todd gave the ranger a Hawaiian surfer “hang loose” gesture. The ranger returned the universal sign, and Gus puttered into the campground.
“This is a great place to go camping,” Todd observed.
“We should get a bunch of us together this summer and rent a spot for a week.”
“Sounds like fun.” Christy said.
“We could have a huge campout the last week of summer. Surf all day. Sing around the campfire at night. Wouldn’t that be great! We could call it Summer Fall Out.”
Christy had to smile at Todd’s enthusiasm. He was definitely a visionary. Yet she wondered if he wasn’t trying a little too hard to speak their future into being, to plan his own adventures to take the place of the ones he would have had in Papua New Guinea.
They parked in the day use lot, and Todd led Christy down a wide but steep dirt trail to the beach.
“It’s a long way down there,” Christy said. “Is this the only trail?”
“This is the main path. It’s the safest way to go.”
They passed several people who were walking up, burdened with armloads of beach gear. They all seemed to be huffing and puffing from the climb.
That’s going to be us going back! Good thing we’re not carrying beach chairs and surfboards.
Todd continued to hold Christy’s hand when they reached the bottom of the trail. They climbed over a railroad track and down a sand dune before they were actually on the beach.
The sight that greeted them was worth the hike. Mr. Sun was just beginning to dip his sizzling toes into the cool, blue ocean. The sky all around the sun looked
like a huge pastel beach towel lovingly wrapped around him to brace him from the chill of the water.
“It’s beautiful,” Christy whispered.
Todd wrapped his arm around her. They stood together in silent awe, watching the sunset. All Christy could think of was how this was what she had always wanted, to be held in Todd’s arms as well as in his heart.
Just as the last golden drop of sun melted into the ocean, Christy closed her eyes and drew in a deep draught of the sea air.
“Did you know.” Todd said softly, “that the setting sun looks so huge from the island of Papua New Guinea that it almost looks like you’re on another planet? I’ve seen pictures.”
Then, as had happened with her reflection in her cup of tea and in her disturbing dream. Christy heard those two piercing words. “Let go.”
She knew what she had to do. Turning to face Todd, she said, “Pictures aren’t enough for you, Todd. You have to go.”
“I will. Someday. Lord willing,” he said casually.
“Don’t you see, Todd? The Lord is willing. This is your ‘someday.’ Your opportunity to go on the mission field is now. You have to go.”
Their eyes locked in silent communion.
“God has been telling me something, Todd. He’s been telling me to let you go. I don’t want to, but I need to obey Him.”
Todd paused. “Maybe I should tell them I can only go for the summer. That way I’ll only be gone a few months. A few weeks, really. We’ll be back together in the fall.”
Christy shook her head. “It can’t be like that. Todd. You have to go for as long as God tells you to go. And as long as I’ve known you. God has been telling you to go. His mark is on your life, Todd. It’s obvious. You need to obey Him.”
“Kilikina,” Todd said, grasping Christy by the shoulders, “do you realize what you’re saying? If I go, I may never come back.”
“I know.” Christy’s reply was barely a whisper. She reached for the bracelet on her right wrist and released the lock. Then taking Todd’s hand, she placed the “Forever” bracelet in his palm and closed his fingers around it.
“Todd,” she whispered, forcing the words out, “the Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face to shine upon you and give you His peace. And may you always love Jesus more than anything else. Even more than me.”
Todd crumbled to the sand like a man who had been run through with a sword. Burying his face in his hands, he wept.
Christy stood on wobbly legs. What have I done? Oh, Father God, why do I have to let him go?
Slowly lowering her quivering body to the sand beside Todd, Christy cried until all she could taste was the salty tears on her lips.
They drove the rest of the way home in silence. A thick mantle hung over them, entwining them even in their separation. To Christy it seemed like a bad dream. Someone else had let go of Todd. Not her! He wasn’t really going to go.
They pulled into Christy’s driveway, and Todd turned off the motor. Without saying anything, he got out of Gus and came around to Christy’s side to open the door for her. She stepped down and waited while he grabbed her luggage from the backseat. They walked to the front door.
Todd stopped her under the trellis of wildly fragrant white jasmine. With tears in his eyes, he said in a hoarse voice, “I’m keeping this.” He lifted his hand to reveal the “Forever” bracelet looped between his fingers. “If God ever brings us together again in this world, I’m putting this back on your wrist, and that time, my Kilikina, it will stay on forever. “
He stared at her through blurry eyes for a long minute, and then without a hug, a kiss, or even a good-bye, Todd turned to go. He walked away and never looked back.
The next day Christy stayed home from school. Her mom understood and let her have the day to cry alone. That’s all she did. The more she cried, the more she hurt and the more utterly exhausted she felt.
At about four o’clock there was a gentle tap on her bedroom door. “Hi,” Katie said, poking her head inside. “I heard. Doug called me this morning.”
She sat down on the side of Christy’s bed and with extra tenderness said, “I’m sorry, Christy.”
“I can’t believe I did it, Katie. Why did I? I keep going over the whole thing in my mind, and I think I must be crazy.”
“Weird,” Katie corrected her. “Remember? God is weird. We are tweaked. Whenever you do something weird, you’re becoming a little more godly. And believe me, what you did was weird!”
Christy reached for a tissue and dabbed her swollen eyes.
“Doug said Todd told him last night that you loved him enough to let him go and that you motivated him to obey God’s call when he was ready to forget it. That’s incredible, Christy. That’s like that verse about there being no greater love than to lay down your life for your friend. I don’t know how you did it. I couldn’t have.”
“What do you mean? You did. You’re the one who broke up with Michael, remember?”
“That was different.”
“I don’t know, Katie. A broken heart is a broken heart.”
“If I hurt so much over Michael, I can’t imagine how much you must be hurting over Todd. What can I do?”
“Nothing. Tell me I did the right thing.”
Katie let out a laugh. “How can you have any doubts? Of course you did the right thing! You gave nobility a face, Christy.”
“Nobility a what?” Christy propped herself up on her arm and scrutinized Katie’s expression.
Katie smiled. “Can I just say, ‘yes, Christina Juliet Miller, you did the right thing?’ You gave God a gift: Todd, free and clear. And there’s one thing I know for sure. You can never out-give God. I can’t wait to see what God is going to give you!”
“I wish I could have your optimism, Katie.”
“You will. It just takes a little time. What’s that bit of wisdom you told me several weeks ago? Oh, yes. The feelings don’t come in the same envelope. They’ll catch up. Until then, here’s Doug’s CD. It’ll help. My favorite song is number seven. It’s a good song to cry along with.”
“Thanks. You know, Katie, I keep thinking what I had with Todd wasn’t real. It was too perfect. He was too perfect. It was a sort of dream, and now it’s time for me to wake up and grow up. I’m a different person now at seventeen than I was when I met him. But I’m still too young to be as serious as I was becoming with him. This is all probably for the best.”
“Keep telling yourself stuff like that,” Katie said with a knowing smile. “The only part I’ll agree with for now is that with God, things do tend to turn out for the best. Think you’ll be back in school tomorrow?”
“Yes, I have a final in Spanish. Thanks for coming over.”
Katie gave Christy a hug. “That’s what best friends are for. Now listen, I’m going to pick you up for school tomorrow morning. Wear something you really like so you’ll feel good about yourself. I’ll bring an extra Twinkie for you for lunch.”
Katie kept her word, and at lunch she presented Christy with a Twinkie.
“I thought you were done with Twinkies,” Christy said.
“Not completely. I have to admit I’m still trying to find a balance between Twinkies and tofu.”
Christy laughed.
“Did I tell you that Fred was at church again yesterday?” Katie asked. “He bought himself a Bible, and I saw him carrying it to school today. Isn’t that incredible? Who would have ever guessed?”
“Katie.” Christy asked cautiously, “are you really, truly over Michael? You seem to be doing so well, but are the feelings really gone?”
Katie turned solemn. “Maybe I’m still working on a balance there too. I don’t think the feelings will ever be gone completely. It’s still hard when I see him, even though I know I did the right thing. Remember when we talked about being in love? I think what we decided is true. You can be in love with someone and yet never marry him. A little part of that person will always be hidden somewhere in a secret garden deep inside your
heart.”
As Katie spoke, the tears welled up in Christy’s eyes. It still hurt so much.
“The thing is, Christy, I never compromised my standards or morals with Michael, and so in that area, I have no regrets. You should never have any regrets with Todd either. You loved him. Face it, you always will. Now go on with your life. God is near to the brokenhearted, and it just so happens that you and I both qualify for that position.”
Between her tears and her Twinkie, Christy forced a smile.
“And,” Katie added, holding her head high. “I just so happen to think that being near to God is a wonderfully safe place to be.”
Christy thought of Katie’s words often as she went through the motions of life that week. Nights were the hardest. She lay awake for long hours in the darkness. exhausting her imagination as she hoped her circumstances would change and fighting off the unanswerable questions. Whenever the phone rang, her heart froze. Each day she checked the mail. But Todd had never written to her before. He wouldn’t now. And he wouldn’t call either. He was gone for good.
Christy made it through the weekend with Katie’s help and even went to church on Sunday. Fred sat with them during the service. Afterward they walked out to the church parking lot together, and Fred followed Christy to her car.
Right in front of her parents and her brother, he said, “Christy, as you know, the senior prom is this Friday. I would be honored if you would go with me.”
Christy had to give the guy credit for perseverance. “Thanks for asking me, Fred. I really mean that. I just can’t go. Not with you. Not with anyone. You need to find someone fun to go with and have a great time. You deserve it.”
Fred hung his head. “I guess I can take a hint.” With that, he left.
A short time after they had reached home, Katie called. “Go ahead. Guess,” she said.
“Guess what?”
“Guess what I’m doing this Friday?”
“I give up.”
“I’m going to the prom. With Fred.”
There was complete silence.
“Well?” Katie prodded.
Christy Miller Collection, Vol 4 Page 25