by E. L. Todd
Like I’d walk in any way… I clearly wasn’t welcome.
He stared me down.
I held his gaze, feeling my anger match his. “What the hell is your problem, Kyle?”
“I don’t have a problem. You’re the one who showed up on my doorstep. What do you want?”
My eyebrow rose in shock. He’d never spoken to me that way before. “What do I want?” I asked incredulously. “To have a beer? To watch a game? Go to the movies? Those are the things I usually want, so why would they be any different now?”
His arm lowered slightly, but he kept up his hostile gaze.
“So…this is it, then? You get a girlfriend who doesn’t like me, and we’re done?”
“That’s a rash assumption.”
“So, you’re the one who doesn’t like me, then?” I snapped.
He kept up his cold stare.
I couldn’t believe this was happening, that our physical relationship from the past was tearing us apart now. “Alright, then… I guess I’ll go.” I turned around and walked down the sidewalk. “Just for the record…” I turned around to face him again. “If Neil had a problem with you, I’d dump his ass in a heartbeat.”
For an instant, his eyes softened, like he couldn’t keep up the rage he was forcing himself to feel. There were several seconds before he finally blinked, before his rigid features changed. He seemed like he might say something, but words weren’t forthcoming.
I knew my friendship with Kyle was over, that he’d picked his girlfriend over me. And while that hurt so much, I refused to show emotion to him. I turned around and walked back to my truck. Just like the night when Cameron asked for my ring back, I waited until I was around the corner to cry.
Want anything from the store? Neil’s text popped up on my phone.
I was lying in bed, thinking about the last conversation I’d had with Kyle. It was stupid to let it bother me so much. If he were really my friend, he wouldn’t let a woman come between us. If things were hostile, he would take steps to smooth them over, to prove to Lizzie we were just friends and nothing more. I didn’t expect him to dump her—just find a way for all three of us to be friends.
No. And I think I’m just gonna relax tonight. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I’d never turned down Neil since we got together because I wanted to savor every moment while we still had time together, but now, I just wanted to be alone. I was pissed at Kyle, but it was still heartbreaking to lose him. He was there for me every single day after Cameron dumped me—and not just in my bed.
Neil didn’t let it go. He called.
“Shit.” I watched the screen light up with his name in all caps. His background picture was of the Milky Way galaxy, so it popped up every time he called. I picked up. “Hey…”
His deep voice was authoritative. “What’s wrong?”
“Why do you assume something is wrong just because I want space?”
“Because you never want space.”
“Well, things change.”
“Can we cut the shit, baby?” he asked, his voice abrasive. “I know you pretty damn well. Something is bothering you, and you’re going to tell me what it is.”
“Wow…bossy, aren’t we?” I shouldn’t be a dick to him, not when he was being a good guy by checking on me.
“I’m coming over in fifteen minutes. I suggest you take that time to think about your response before I get there.” He hung up on me.
I listened to the line go dead, frustrated by his no-bullshit attitude. But at the same time, I was happy he was coming over…because I was more hurt than I cared to admit.
He arrived fifteen minutes later, carrying a bag of groceries so we could make dinner like we usually did. He helped himself inside and skipped coming to the bedroom door. His movements were audible all the way down the hallway from my bedroom. When his footsteps thudded against the hardwood floor, I knew he was coming this way.
I stayed in bed, wearing just his t-shirt and my panties underneath.
He stepped through the open doorway, spotting Torpedo and me snuggled together.
“There’s no room for you.”
With his arms crossed over his chest, he approached the bed, looking at the two of us. “Seems that way.” He pulled his shirt over his head and revealed his rock-hard body, the physique he worked so hard on. When he’d returned from the moon, he’d lost a lot of muscle strength, but he quickly built it up again with a high protein diet and lots of visits to the gym. He dropped his jeans too, stripping down to his boxers before he got into bed.
There was considerable distance between us because a big-ass dog was in the way.
He eyed Torpedo. “Hey, man. You mind?”
Torpedo didn’t move an inch.
“Wow, he’s usually excited to see me.” He stroked his hand over Torpedo’s head then behind his ears.
“He knows I’m sad.”
“And why are you sad?” He stopped paying attention to Torpedo then rested his head on a pillow. His brown eyes looked into mine, searching for the answer with his gaze. He was a pretty man, too pretty.
I pulled the sheets farther over my shoulder, but not because I was cold.
“I’ve never seen you like this. So, you’re going to tell me, or I’ll make you tell me.”
“And how are you going to do that?”
He shrugged. “Withhold sex.”
“Well, I’m not in the mood for sex anyway.”
“Give it a few days, and you’ll go crazy.”
“Wow…you like to flatter yourself, don’t you?”
He scooted closer to me, as close as he could, considering the large object between us. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
I held his gaze without saying a word, knowing I relied on his body as much as I relied on food and water.
He kept up his gaze. “Tell me.”
I gave up the fight. “It’s Kyle…”
“And what about him?”
“I went to his house to talk, and he wanted nothing to do with me. It’s obvious Lizzie hates me, and since she hates me, he wants nothing to do with me. I thought our friendship was stronger than that, so I’m taking it pretty hard…”
“It’s complicated. He wants to make it work with her, and it’s understandable why she doesn’t want him to see you anymore. I’m sure it was an ultimatum.”
“But I’m surprised he took it.”
“Honestly, any woman he sees will have the same reservations.”
“Kyle has slept with a lot of women besides me…”
“But he’s never wanted any of them but you. Now, he still sees you on a daily basis, still does everything with you. Can you see that realistically working with any woman?” His eyes shifted back and forth slightly as he looked at me.
“I think a woman should feel more secure than that. Nothing is going to happen with Kyle and me. Maybe he had feelings for me in the past, but he doesn’t have them now. If he did, he wouldn’t let me go so easily.”
“Or maybe that’s why he has to let you go…”
I held his gaze.
“Because he’s never going to move on from you if he sees you all the time.”
“That’s not the reason. I know it’s not.”
He shrugged. “It’s complicated. You aren’t just some random woman he picked up in a bar. You’re a woman he continually has a relationship with, one he goes out of his way to spend time with. Judging from the way Kyle is, I don’t think he would really do that for just friendship.”
“Are you suggesting our friendship means nothing?” I countered. “That it’s all just a ploy to be with me someday?”
“Maybe.”
“That’s extreme, Neil. And I don’t believe it for a second.”
Neil continued to lie there, his soulful eyes glued to mine. “What are you going to do?”
“There’s nothing I can do… I just have to accept it.”
“Alright…is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”
I shook my h
ead.
“How about I make dinner? I picked up some good stuff.”
“Like what?”
“Like carne asada tacos and rice.”
“Ooh…that does sound good.”
He smiled before he got out of bed. “I’ll whip them up. Nothing gets you out of a bad mood quicker than food.”
17
Neil
Vic texted me. We need to talk.
That didn’t sound good. Are you always this dramatic?
Yes. I’m a lawyer. I have to be.
But you’re dramatic in an annoying kind of way.
Lawyers are annoying. And you’re annoying too.
Just meet me, asshole.
Now I’m looking forward to it even less. Fine. Chill.
After work, I met him at the bar. He was in a gray suit and tie, looking like a powerhouse who would destroy you in the courtroom. I was in jeans and a t-shirt since I’d been working on equipment all day. There was no greater certainty that everything would work on the mission than checking it myself. “Alright, what’s the emergency?” I sat across from him, drinking a light beer because I couldn’t afford the calories or the carbs.
He stared at me with those menacing eyes, like I’d slept with his wife or something.
“Wow…this should be fun. What did I do now?”
“I need you to break it off with Charlotte. Now.”
I was getting really sick of my younger brother bossing me around. He kept sticking his nose where it didn’t belong, getting involved in my relationship, when only Charlotte and I should have any say in it. “How about you just mind your own business?”
His eyes narrowed like I hit a button. “This is my business. Charlotte is like a sister to me.”
“And I’m your brother, asshole. I’m good to Charlotte. I’m honest and loyal to that woman. I told you I wouldn’t hurt her, and I’m keeping my word. You’re the one who needs to back off, alright?”
“No. You’ve already broken your word.”
“Excuse me?”
He didn’t touch his glass of scotch, which was a good thing since he shouldn’t be drinking scotch on a Wednesday afternoon anyway. “Just end it, alright? It’s run its course, and now it’s over.”
“It’s not over until we’re ready for it to be over.”
My brother’s body tightened further, like he was about to explode like a volcano. “You need to trust me on this.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re going to hurt her. The longer this goes on, the worse it’s gonna be.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Vic?” Either he was a drama queen, or he knew something I didn’t. “I was just with her last night, and she was upset about Kyle. I was there for her. I’m always there for her.”
“But you can’t be there for her when you break her heart.”
“I’m not gonna break her heart, man.”
“That’s what you think, but you couldn’t be more wrong.”
“And you say this, why?”
He bowed his head slightly and sighed, like he was wrestling with inner demons. He argued with himself in silence, debating if he should tell me whatever was going through his mind.
“Vic?”
“I shouldn’t tell you this. But I don’t think you understand what’s right under your nose.”
“Tell me what?”
“Stacy was talking to Char, and…Char said she was in love with you.”
The words sank into me quickly, like when you had liquor on an empty stomach. It seeped in immediately, absorbing into my bloodstream instantly. I didn’t feel anything in response, good or bad. I was just in shock for several seconds.
Vic watched me. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you. But since you won’t break up with her, you left me no choice.”
I reflected on our relationship, all the nights we spent together, all the shared showers we had. We used to go out to dinner, but now we always made dinner at home, like a married couple that wanted their privacy. We were constantly fucking, never getting tired of our time in between the sheets. I knew she cared about me, knew about the affection that burned inside her heart. My brother’s announcement was a surprise, but I also wasn’t that surprised at the same time.
“It’s time to walk away before she gets hurt even more.”
That would be the smart thing to do, to leave before our hearts became further intertwined. But the truth was, I didn’t want to walk away. I had months before I launched, and I didn’t want to spend my last few months alone…wishing I were with Charlotte. “I’m not breaking up with her.”
“You fucking asshole.” He shook his head slightly. “You’re gonna keep screwing her, not caring about the damn mess you’ll leave behind?” His voice continued to rise. “You’re that selfish? That much of a prick—”
“I’m not going to leave her because I love her too.”
Vic’s mouth hung wide open because he’d stopped in mid-sentence. His mouth slowly closed as his eyebrows furrowed in surprise. It took him even longer to understand what he’d just heard, longer than it took me to absorb what he’d said initially.
“I love her,” I repeated. “I didn’t realize it until now…but I do.”
Our conversation was heavy with silence. Vic finished his scotch because his restraint disappeared the second I made my confession. Now he didn’t know what to say, how to respond to a declaration like that.
I didn’t know what to say either. Those words burst from my mouth before I truly understood the gravity of the statement. Knowing she felt that way about me only encouraged those feelings to rise to the surface. All our nights together, all the drives we took to pick up Slurpees in the dark with her dog in the back seat, told me she was all I wanted.
Vic dragged his palms down his face before they slapped the surface of the table. “So, what does that mean?”
“It doesn’t mean anything.”
“That’s not possible. It changes everything, Neil.”
I didn’t see why it had to. I wouldn’t run home and tell her my deepest feelings. She wouldn’t tell me either. It was nice to be together without having to acknowledge it. If either one of us really paid attention, we would know exactly how the other felt. “No, it doesn’t.”
“If you love this woman, you can’t keep launching into space.”
“Military personnel deploy and leave their families all the time, Vic.”
“That’s different. They can still talk on the phone or do video chat. You’re not even on this planet.”
I loved Charlotte…but my passion for space exploration hadn’t died. I was just as committed to my profession as ever before. It was important, the most important thing I would ever do. “I can’t walk away, Vic. Charlotte would never want me to anyway.”
Vic clearly hoped that this revelation would reverse my commitment to NASA, and when it didn’t, he couldn’t hide his disappointment. “Then what’s your plan? You’re going to stay together and leave her here alone? She wants a family, Vic.”
Nothing had changed. The agreement we made a long time ago was still intact. “I’ll never tell her how I feel because this isn’t going to last forever. I understand we want different things, and she deserves someone better than me. So, when the time comes…I’ll leave.”
“You love her, but you’re still going to break up with her?”
“I have to.”
“I don’t see why.”
My mission to Mars could last three years. That was far too long to make Charlotte wait. And there was always a possibility I wouldn’t come back at all. “I’m never going to want kids. That’s something I’ll never change my mind about.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to be the kind of father who’s never around.”
“Are you saying dad was a bad father?”
“No. But if he lived, we never would have seen him. Being an astronaut is an ironclad commitment. I don’t have time to be dis
tracted by my family on Earth.”
“Neil, lots of astronauts have families.”
“Yes…and it kills them every time they have to leave. I’m afraid if I have a family, I’ll throw in the towel and give up on my dream.”
“You’ve been living the dream for years, Neil. One day, you’re going to be too old to do this shit, and you’re going to want something else in your life to give it meaning.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.”
Vic sighed in annoyance. “So, your genius plan is to never tell the woman you love how you really feel, let her go and fall in love with someone else, and then continue to launch into the eternal loneliness of space?”
I didn’t appreciate his sarcasm, but I didn’t rise to the insult. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re right, Neil.” He shook his head. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand how this could take precedence over living your own life. When was the last time you took a vacation?”
“I’ve been to the moon, asshole. How many people can say that?”
His eyes narrowed. “I’m gonna have two kids. You’ll have two nieces and nephews. You don’t want to stick around for them?”
“Of course I do. But I need to do this.” I was committed to the mission, and I couldn’t pull out. If I returned alive, there was a good chance I would never launch into space again. The physical toll it would take on my body might be irreversible. I might continue to be an engineer for NASA but a retired astronaut. If that happened, I would accept it. But I wouldn’t pull out of the race now when I was so close to making history. “We can keep going around for days and days, but it won’t change anything. I’ve made up my mind, Vic.” If he was aware of my upcoming fate, he would probably be more understanding of the situation, but without that knowledge, it was a story full of holes.
“I told you not to hurt her.”
“I know. But remember, I’m getting hurt too.”
He shook his head. “It’s different with her. She’s already been through so much.”