by E. L. Todd
“Heartbreak is shitty, no matter how often or little it happens. If I could take all the heartbreak, I would. Trust me.”
Vic stared into his empty glass, his arms resting on the table. “With you out of the picture, Kyle is going to try again. He might succeed this time, and by the time you pull your head out of your ass, it might be too late.”
“He’s with Lizzie now.”
“Come on, we know that’s just a rebound.”
“I don’t know…he stopped being friends with Charlotte because of it.”
“But the second Charlotte is available again, he’ll dump that woman and chase after her. I don’t know what the hell Cameron was thinking, but Charlotte is an exceptional woman. She’s pretty, smart, funny, chill… She’s a dream woman.”
“Trust me, I know she is.” She slept beside me every night. She looked at me with those beautiful green eyes and stared straight into my soul. I would miss her every single day when she was gone. Every time I was with someone else, I’d wish I were with her.
“But that’s still not enough…”
18
Charlotte
I got to work the next morning and put on my coat. My job could be mediocre and boring sometimes, but I always enjoyed it. My work was important in the system, giving doctors data to treat their patients. There were lots of times when I skipped my break to keep working, even if I didn’t actually get paid for it. I wanted people to get the help they needed as soon as possible.
But now, I dreaded going to work.
Because I had to see Kyle.
I’d never imagined things would be this way, that I would picture his face and feel a mixture of anger and disappointment. Now that we weren’t friends, we would just stand across from each other and pretend we couldn’t see the other.
All because we’d slept together a year ago.
I rejected him because I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, but that ended up happening anyway.
I walked to my station, pulled on my blue gloves, and got to work.
Minutes later, he joined me. He stood across from me and picked up his specimens and processed them. Not once did he look at me. He didn’t say good morning. Music played over our small music system, but it wasn’t enough to cover the silence.
The painful silence.
I sighed as I kept working…miserable.
“What is it?” Neil sat beside me on the couch, his fingers running through my hair.
We were watching a movie together, but I’d been zoning out for twenty minutes, thinking about my terrible day at work. Kyle was constantly on my mind. I missed him but hated him at the same time. “What is what?”
“What’s bothering you?”
“Why do you assume anything is bothering me?”
“Because I know you.”
He really did know me. He somehow always knew when something was bothering me. I turned to him, meeting his gaze as his fingers continued to run through my hair. Torpedo sat on the other side of me, taking up most of the space so Neil and I were pressed together…not that I minded. I looked into his beautiful brown eyes and forgot my troubles for a moment, getting lost in his masculine perfection.
When I didn’t answer, he leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss on the mouth. It was a soft embrace, a gentle touch, but it was packed with so much affection, it made me weak in the knees.
I sucked in a deep breath, winded.
He pulled away and rested his forehead against mine, his fingers tucking my hair behind my ear.
He was such a good kisser…damn.
His fingers trailed to my neck as he regarded me, his eyes narrowed. “Is it Kyle?”
“Yeah…”
“Did he say something to you?”
“No…that’s the problem. We worked together today, five feet apart, and he didn’t say a single word to me. Now it’s awkward and uncomfortable. I’m going to have to find a new job because I can’t do that forever.”
“You shouldn’t have to leave. He’s the problem, not you.”
“I know…but there are other hospitals.”
“He’s the one who should leave.”
I shrugged and kept looking at him, trying not to think about how my friendship fell apart. At least I had Neil…even though that wasn’t forever. I would miss his strong jaw, the strong way he grabbed me and held me close. I would miss the closeness, having a man I trusted so deeply. “I’m going to miss you…” Maybe I shouldn’t talk about the ending when we still had time together. Maybe I shouldn’t admit how much he meant to me. But the words slipped out like I had no control over them.
His eyes softened, filling with sadness and affection. “I’ll miss you more.”
I highly doubted that, but I didn’t challenge him. “I’m done with this movie.” I grabbed the remote and turned it off even though we were only halfway through it. I crawled onto his lap and straddled his hips.
His hands immediately moved to my ass, pulling me close to him so our lips were just inches apart. His cock was already hard in his jeans, pressing against me with desire. His hand glided up the back of my shirt so he could unclasp my bra.
My hands cupped his cheeks, and I closed my eyes as I cherished his affection. Time passed so quickly, and before I was ready to accept it, he would be gone forever. I wanted to appreciate every single instant I had with him. And in that moment, my heart ached to tell him how I felt…to tell him I’d somehow fallen in love when I’d promised myself I wouldn’t. But I stayed vigilant and kept my secret. “Take me to bed.”
He rose to his feet and carried me with no exertion. He kept his face close to mine as he carried me down the hallway and into my bedroom. The hallway was dark, as was the bedroom, ready for us to take off our clothes and enjoy each other. I loved having this strong man on top of me, feeling his sweat slide against my skin as we moved together. I wanted this every night for the rest of my life, and it hurt that it would never happen.
He laid me on the bed then pulled off his clothes, quickly dropping everything until he was buck naked—so damn sexy. With his thick cock and hard body, he was the fantasy I would use with my vibrator. He was a fantasy every woman had, a strong man with a body as beautiful as his soul.
He dragged my hips to the edge and got my bottoms off, letting my ass hang over the edge so he could take me as he stood on his two feet. He left my top on as he gripped both hips and shoved himself hard inside me.
I moaned loudly, clawing at the sheets when I felt that big dick inside me.
He yanked up my bra and shirt so my tits were visible before his hand returned to my hip. Then he kept pounding into me, hitting me hard and deep as he watched me enjoy him.
My hands gripped his wrists, and I held on to him as he held on to me.
“Baby…damn.” His core was tight with his exertion, his abs hard as steel and his chest two slabs of concrete. He watched my hips shake as he dragged me to the edge of the bed then slammed his hips into me. Over and over again, we moved.
I never wanted it to end. I used him to drown out my troubles, used him to feel good, to feel beautiful. I used the man I loved…because he was all I ever wanted.
I texted Neil. Pizza or pasta? I was home and standing in my kitchen, unsure if I should whip up some spaghetti or order a greasy pizza. Neil was a lot pickier about his diet than I was, so he would probably choose neither.
I’m gonna be at the center pretty late tonight. Order whatever you want.
You could just go home afterward if you’re tired.
I don’t care how tired I am. I want to be with you.
My body flushed with warmth, and I imagined myself melting into a huge puddle right on the floor. Then hurry up.
Always.
I set the phone down and looked at Torpedo. “He’s so dreamy, isn’t he?”
He gave a quiet bark.
“I know…I wish he would be your father too.”
He barked again then rested his snout on his paws.
“C
an’t get too attached because he’s leaving in a few months…even though I’ve already gotten attached.”
He whined.
“You obviously have too.”
I turned back to the TV and finally stopped thinking about Neil when someone knocked on the door. “Hmm…I wonder who that is.”
Torpedo hopped off the couch and barked all the way to the front door.
I followed him to the entryway then checked the peephole. “Oh my god, it’s Kyle.” I spoke under my voice, talking to Torpedo like he was a real person.
Torpedo stopped barking and whined instead. He dragged his paw against the wood, like he was excited to get it open so he could see Kyle.
What was he doing here? At work that morning, it was so tense. Did he come here to scream all the things he was too uncomfortable to say at the time? I’d been hurt by him so much already that I almost didn’t open the door because I didn’t want to deal with more heartbreak.
But I opened it anyway.
I came face-to-face with him, his hands in his pockets as he wore a long-sleeved olive green shirt. His arms were bigger than they’d ever been, so bulging that they stretched out the material of his shirt. He must have had to buy new clothes because he had to move up his size. Even his chest was bigger.
It had just started to rain, so it fell behind him with the loud splash of drops.
I kept my hand on the door and didn’t know what to do. I was frozen in place. This could be a hostile meeting or one of reconciliation. But Kyle didn’t apologize for anything, so that didn’t seem likely.
After a long stretch of silence, he spoke. “Can I come in?”
Torpedo whined as he walked up to him, standing on his hind legs so he could place his paws on Kyle’s stomach.
Kyle rubbed his head without looking at him. “Hey, man.”
It seemed overly rude to keep him outside when it was pouring, so I opened the door wider and allowed him inside.
Kyle entered, Torpedo following him.
I shut the door then leaned against it, still defensive. I used to be so relaxed around Kyle, but now I didn’t trust him. Without even a slight explanation, he kicked me to the curb and abandoned me just the way Cameron did. But this rejection hurt more…because we were supposed to be friends forever. With my arms crossed over my chest, I asked, “What do you want?” I echoed the same question he asked me when I showed up on his doorstep, being spiteful.
“Alright…I deserved that.”
“I’m serious. What do you want, Kyle?” Neil could be home any minute, and I’d rather spend my evening with him instead of fighting with Kyle.
“To apologize. I was a total ass to you…and I’m sorry.”
I continued to stare at him, refusing to let my guard down. His apology was sufficient, but I was still in a bad mood. I was still hurt by everything that happened. Some woman came between us so easily.
“You’re still mad.”
“No. I’m pissed, Kyle. I know Lizzie isn’t happy we slept together a long time ago, but you didn’t even try to get us to be friends. You could have gotten Lizzie to spend time with me, and she would have understood there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable. But you just—”
“She doesn’t like you, and she’s not going to change her mind about it.”
“Wow…that’s unfair.”
“I told her that.”
“I’m with Neil, and you’ve moved on. Sounds like she’s making a big deal out of nothing.”
He shrugged.
“I just can’t believe you cut me out so easily.”
“I didn’t cut you out. I was just frustrated by the situation. I have her screaming at me every time you text me, and then I have you still texting me at the worst time. It was a nightmare, and I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Well, how are we going to handle it? I’d like to be friends with Lizzie if she would give me a chance. She’ll realize she’s being ridiculous—”
“I dumped her.”
The conversation dropped once he made his announcement.
“She gave me an ultimatum. You or her—I chose you.”
I was touched by his decision, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
Kyle continued to stare.
“What kind of person makes you choose in the first place?”
“A woman who’s very insecure around you.”
“She has no reason to be.”
With unblinking eyes, he stared at me. They were the color of the sky with a tone of hostility. “We both know she does.”
“You wouldn’t have a girlfriend if you had feelings for me.”
“Char, I’m always going to have feelings for you. Sometimes it rises, sometimes it fades, but that overall feeling will always be there. The only way it’s going to stop is if we stop seeing each other, or we try to have a relationship and it doesn’t work out. When Lizzie pressed me about it, I was honest with her. That’s the kind of guy I am…even if it gets me in trouble. So she told me this would only work if I stopped seeing you altogether.” He stared at me and waited for me to stay something. “She’s not some crazy jealous person. Her concerns are legitimate. And now she knows how I really feel…”
It was an overwhelming amount of information, another dedication of love I didn’t know how to process. I didn’t realize how serious Kyle’s feelings were, that this was an ongoing issue that wouldn’t go away. “Kyle…how long have you felt this way?” Now that the conversation was on the table, we needed to address it. I couldn’t keep ignoring it and pretending it was a problem that would go away on its own.
He chuckled, even though nothing about this was funny. “Since the day we met.”
“What…?”
“Come on, Char. You’re smarter than this.”
“I don’t think I am…”
“Since the moment I laid eyes on you, I’ve had a thing for you. When Cameron was an idiot and ruined everything, I knew you wouldn’t be single long. So I went after you far sooner than I should have. We slept together, and it was obvious you weren’t ready to be with anyone else. I backed off and stayed your friend, knowing that’s what you needed. Enough time passed and you started to feel better, but then Neil showed up. When you guys broke up, I made another move…but you turned me down.”
I felt so stupid. Our entire friendship had been a lie. It only existed because he had feelings for me. “I don’t know what to say, Kyle…”
“I don’t blame you. It’s a lot to take in.”
“I guess…I’ve seen everything with blurred vision.”
“Our friendship is real, Charlotte. I’ve enjoyed the closeness we’ve had. But I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me fall deeper in love with you. You’re such an awesome woman. I’d kill to be your man.”
Jesus, this was deep.
“But now I realize that’s never going to happen…” His eyes drifted down in disappointment. “You turned me down because you were afraid to lose me as a friend. It’s ironic.”
I felt terrible, felt like a horrible person. I’d been blind to this all along, been so stupid. I was hurting a man I cared about every single day. I kissed Neil right in front of him, assuming his feelings were much less significant than they really were.
“I thought having a relationship would help me get over you, that we really could be just friends. But it didn’t seem to help. It just made me hurt Lizzie, when she didn’t deserve it. That’s an experiment I won’t repeat.”
I expected an apology and got one, but I also received more than I bargained for. I didn’t even know what to say. Kyle had just told me that his feelings had been there even before we were close friends, that he’d always hoped for something more.
Kyle sighed as he watched me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Kyle. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how you felt sooner. I was getting over my divorce, so I wasn’t in the right state of mind…”
“You don�
��t need to apologize, Char. Really.”
If we stayed friends, Kyle would be in this cycle forever. It’d been over four years since we met, and he was still waiting for his shot. Our friendship wasn’t even real because his emotions complicated everything. I knew exactly how it felt to love someone who never loved you back…and I didn’t want Kyle to feel that way. I was madly in love with a man who wouldn’t stay with me. He warned me he would leave, and he would make good on his word in a couple of months.
I couldn’t do that to Kyle. I’d already tortured him enough. “Kyle…we can’t be friends anymore.”
His eyes narrowed, and his chest halted because he stopped breathing. Everything turned absolutely still once the words were out of my mouth. Confusion mixed with pain, burning in his eyes so brightly, it was like a beacon. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means we can’t be friends.” This was so hard for me to say, to cut someone I loved out of my life. But I wouldn’t really love him unless I pushed him away. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. I won’t let you. You’ll never move on if we’re seeing each other every day at work, if we’re going to the movies or hitting the batting cages.”
“That’s a sound argument. But maybe I don’t want to move on.”
I continued to lean against the door, my arms tight over my chest as my pulse raged in my veins. “What…?”
“I said I don’t want to move on.” He said the words with more force, making him sound even more confident than before. “You said you didn’t want to be with me because you didn’t want to risk our friendship. Well, our friendship is on the rocks anyway. Now you’ve got nothing to lose. You may as well try to be with me and hope for the best.”
“Kyle—”
“We’d be great together, and you know it. Neil is just like Cameron. He’s gonna leave, and you’ll be heartbroken. I can already tell you I’m in this for the long haul, to have babies and all that stuff. I’m offering you something neither one of them did. I love you, Charlotte.” He stepped closer to me, his eyes zoned in on my face like he might kiss me.