by E. L. Todd
“How stupid are you?” Vic snapped. “You’re going to get yourself killed.”
Like the brave man he was, Neil stayed calm. “That’s always a possibility, but we’ve done everything we can to make sure that doesn’t happen. We’ve never lost an astronaut in space before, and we aren’t going to start now.”
Vic shook his head, his jaw so tight. “If you die, my kid is never going to know his uncle.”
“But he’ll know my legacy,” Neil responded.
Vic’s clenched both hands into fists. “Fuck you, Neil.”
I was upset too, but I didn’t think Vic should talk to Neil like that. “Vic, if anyone can come back alive, it’s your brother.”
“Charlotte, not now,” he hissed. “This is between family, alright?”
That stung pretty bad.
“Vic,” Stacy hissed. “Calm down. Charlotte is a part of this family, and you know it.”
Vic didn’t apologize.
Neil looked at me, giving me sympathy when he was the one that deserved all the pity. “If it makes you feel better, this will probably be the last mission I’ll ever do.”
“Because you’re going to die?” Vic asked coldly.
“No.” Neil turned back to him. “Being in space that long will take a physical toll on my body. NASA will probably decommission me for space flight. I’ll probably spend the rest of my career as an instructor for future astronauts and an engineer on their rockets and software.”
It was the only thing that calmed Vic down. “I’ll make a deal with you. Promise me this is your final trip, and I’ll be supportive of this.”
“Vic, don’t put him in a position like that,” Stacy said.
“I promise.” Neil blurted out the answer without thinking about it.
Vic raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t want to put you guys through this again,” Neil said quietly. “And after being in space that long, I probably won’t be eager to go back. And I won’t be interested in the moon or the space station because that will be anticlimactic. This is what I’ve been training for my whole life. I’ll lead the expedition to Mars, a monumental event I’ll always be remembered for. Once I accomplish my greatest dream, it’ll be time to move on to something else, prepare the next generation for space exploration. I can live with that.”
Vic kept staring at his brother, like he was shocked by what he’d just heard. “I know you’re a man of your word.”
Neil nodded. “We have a deal?”
Vic would never be happy about this mission, but at least he had something to look forward to. His brother would be gone for three years, but if he survived, he would be on Earth for the rest of his life. “Yeah…we have a deal.”
We said nothing on the drive home.
We said nothing when we took off our clothes.
And we said nothing as we lay together under the sheets, Torpedo at the foot of the bed.
We still had a month together before he left this planet, but now that remaining time together had been poisoned by the knowledge of his departure. Now I really never would be able to live in the moment because I knew what was about to come.
I was so speechless, I couldn’t talk. Now was the time to tell Neil how I felt, to ask all my questions in privacy. But I didn’t feel like talking. I didn’t feel like fucking. I didn’t feel like doing anything.
Neil turned on his side and faced me, his eyes guarded because he didn’t know what I was thinking. He stared at me, the sheets around his waist so his hard chest was revealed. He was totally naked, not because he expected sex, but because that was how we usually slept. “Are you okay?”
I nodded.
“You don’t seem okay.”
“Just a lot to take in…”
“Hyde will be with me. The rest of the crew are all experienced as well. We have some of the brightest minds in the world working on this project. It’s not just the six of us on that ship. It’s also everyone in the control center, all the scientists and engineers who are brilliant enough to even make this mission happen. Even when I’m millions of miles away in the deepest reaches of space, I’m never alone.”
“I know…but I’ll worry anyway.”
“Please don’t waste your time worrying about me.”
That was impossible. Even if I somehow fell in love with someone else, I would always watch the news and ask Vic for updates. I wanted Neil to come back alive and well. That would make it easier for me to move on…to know he was safe. “I’ll always worry about you, Neil. Even twenty years from now, I’ll always hope you’re well.”
His hand moved to my stomach, and he gently stroked my skin. “You seem to be taking it better than Vic.”
“I understand how important it is to you. Of course, I wish you were staying. Of course, I wish you were just an engineer who had a day job like everyone else. But I’m also proud of you for committing your life to something so amazing.”
His eyes softened.
“I’m surprised you agreed to give it up.”
“I have realistic expectations for this mission. It’s going to be difficult and stressful. It’ll take a toll on my mind and an even more adverse effect on my body. I’m still a young man by all accounts, but humans can only handle so much. Even if the flight surgeon clears me for another mission, I think it’ll be time to step aside. I’ve made a lot of contributions to this profession, and you always want to go out on a high note. Great football players retire after winning a Super Bowl. Same idea.”
“Too bad you didn’t feel that way after your last mission…”
“A trip to the moon is child’s play compared to this. I’ll be one of the first humans to reach Mars, and I’ll be remembered forever. That’s a big accomplishment—and the best way to go out. I’ll still be invigorated by my work with NASA and excited about training future astronauts and their work in space.”
“For such an ambitious guy, that seems anticlimactic.”
He shrugged. “I accomplished everything I ever wanted at a very early age. When you try to chase down the same thing over and over, it turns bland. Every time I go to the moon, I’m excited to be there, but it’s never as good as my first visit. Just how it is.”
“And you think you’ll never want to go to Mars again?”
He considered my question. “If Mars were closer, that would be a different story. But it’s so far away, such a long trek, that it won’t be as appealing as a second time. I have to say…I thought you would be in agreement with my family. I thought you would be excited that I’ve decided to stay after this mission.”
I’d be more excited if he weren’t going on this mission at all. “I am. I’m just surprised you caved so quickly.”
“I didn’t cave. I suspected I wouldn’t launch again anyway.”
“And what if NASA asks you to?”
“I could always say my health can’t handle it.”
“But would you lie?”
He shrugged. “Even if I come back perfectly healthy, a mission like this is so stressful on the body. Maybe I could tolerate it once, but I doubt I could tolerate it twice. This is my dream and I’m willing to sacrifice anything to achieve it, but not if it means significant long-term damage to my body. Not worth it.”
At least he had the logic to think this through.
He turned quiet, staring at me in the dark.
“Will I ever be able to talk to you? Send you a message?” Our relationship would be over, but it would be nice to see him as a friend, to give him some comfort while he was far away in the unknown.
“Yeah…you can send the videos to NASA, and they’ll upload it to me.”
“Will you be able to send videos back?”
He nodded. “Yeah…I can do that.” His hand glided to my side, and he gripped my hip. “And I’ll take that picture with me.”
“I still haven’t picked one out yet.”
“Well, if you have several, I’ll take them all.”
“What?” she asked. “You
’re going to have a collage in your bunk?”
“No. I’ll change out the picture every few months. I have pictures of Vic and Stacy too. Maybe I’ll get a picture of their new baby before I go.”
It was sweet that he didn’t care about putting those pictures up in his personal area, even if other people saw them and thought he was weak. He was a macho man, but he definitely had a soft side he wasn’t afraid to show. “I’m sure you will.”
Neil turned quiet and stared at me, his eyes soft and filled with a hint of sadness. “I know this doesn’t make a difference. I probably shouldn’t say it. But a part of me wishes I didn’t have to go…”
My heart thudded as I replayed that confession over and over again in my mind. His meaning wasn’t clear, and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. “What does that mean?”
“It means…I wish I could stay here with you.”
“Is that even an option?”
He shook his head. “Even if I wanted to back out, I couldn’t. There’s not enough time to replace me.”
“So, it would be illegal or something?”
“No. Technically, I can do whatever I want. But it would be sleazy to do that to my colleagues. It would push back the mission, which would be an embarrassment to NASA. I represent so much to the American people. Everything I do affects everything else. So, no…I wouldn’t do that unless a family member were sick or something.”
So even if he wanted to be with me, he couldn’t stay. It would erase all the good things he had done in his career. It would make him look like a traitor.
“I just want you to know it is hard to leave…hard to leave all of you.”
22
Charlotte
“How are you holding up?” Stacy carried the dish of pasta to the table, her stomach so big, she could barely do anything anymore. It was hard for her to sit at the table because her belly was in the way.
“I think I should be asking you that.” I grabbed the tongs and placed the pasta on the table.
She rubbed her stomach and sighed. “I’ve loved being pregnant…but I love not being pregnant more. Nine months is too long. They need to cut it down to four months or something.”
“I don’t think we have a say in that.”
“But scientists do. Maybe they can speed up the process.”
“At least you got lots of compliments while you’ve been pregnant. That you’re glowing and stuff.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to miss strangers touching my belly while I’m shopping at the grocery store. And I feel so fat and ugly that I don’t even want to have sex with Vic anymore.”
“Stacy, Vic thinks you’re so sexy.”
She rolled her eyes again, this time more dramatically. “He just says that because he has to.”
“I really don’t think so. That’s not what Neil says.”
“What does Neil say?” She scooped the pasta onto her plate and started to eat.
“That Vic thinks it’s sexy that it’s obvious he knocked you up. It’s like a pride thing, I guess.”
She rolled her eyes a third time, but this time, there was a smile on her lips. “Back to you. Neil is leaving in two weeks, and you’re—” Her hand reached for her stomach, and she sucked in a deep breath like she’d been struck with a white-hot bolt of pain.
“Stacy?”
“I think it was just the pasta. But—” She tightened again. “Oh my god…”
“What?” I was already on my feet, jumping to conclusions before she even had to tell me.
“My water just broke.”
When I came to her side of the table, I saw the pool of liquid on the floor and the chair. It was still dripping over the edge. “I’ll get your bag and put you in the car. I’ll call Vic on the way.”
“No, don’t call him.”
I grabbed the big bag from the closet and snatched my car keys from the counter. “What do you mean, don’t call him?”
“He’s in court until five because he has a big case. Just leave him alone.”
“Stacy, you’re having his baby. I’m going to call him.” I grabbed her by the arm and helped her up.
“It’s three o’clock. I can make it to five, alright? Just don’t call him.”
I helped her out to the truck in the driveway. “Stacy, if you have this baby and I don’t call him—”
“Don’t. Call. Him.”
I got her to the hospital then into the private room. The nurse was getting her prepared, so I stepped out into the hallway. I texted Neil first. Stacy is having the baby. Head over after work.
After work? I’m leaving now. I’ll pick up on my mom and meet you at the hospital. How’s Vic?
Haven’t told him yet.
And you told me first? Baby, call him.
Stacy doesn’t want me to. He’s in court.
Char, call him or I will. He doesn’t give a shit about this case. He cares about his wife and his kid. Do it now.
I knew he was right, so I called. It rang and went to voice mail. He’d probably ignored my call because he assumed it wasn’t important, so I texted him instead. Stacy just went into labor. We’re at the hospital.
Vic called me back immediately. “When did she go into labor?”
“Her water broke about forty-five minutes ago.”
“Then why am I hearing about this forty-five minutes later?” he spat.
“She didn’t want me to bother you in the middle of your case.”
“I don’t give a fuck about this case. I’m sitting in the courtroom now, looking the judge in the eye, and I don’t give a shit. I’m leaving now.” He hung up.
Damn…I didn’t want to be up against him in a court of law.
Neil and I sat in the waiting room with his mother.
“Excited to be a grandmother?” Neil asked her, sitting beside her while she watched the TV.
“Very. I know they’re having two, so hopefully I’ll have a grandson and a granddaughter.”
“If they look anything like Stacy, they’ll be cute,” Neil said.
“You and your brother are so handsome,” his mother said. “If they have a son who looks like Vic, he’ll be adorable.” She patted his hand gently.
I didn’t know his mother very well, but she was sweet.
“I wish you would have some kids, Neil. You would be a wonderful father.”
Neil looked at the TV, his eyes falling in sadness. “Yeah…maybe someday.”
His mother turned to me. “What’s new with you, Char?”
“Nothing big,” I said. “I moved to a new hospital, so that’s been nice.”
“Oh, why did you move?”
I lied. “Better pay. I got a nice raise.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful,” she said. “Make as much as you can. When you have your own family, you’ll need it.”
Like that was ever going to happen…
Neil changed the subject to protect me. “What’s new with you?”
“Just taking Ambien so I can sleep at night…since my son is going to Mars.” She wouldn’t look at him.
Now I wanted to change the subject to help him out, but thankfully, the nurse came out. “We’ve got a healthy baby. Stacy is ready for visitors, so you’re welcome to take a peek.”
“Oh my god, he’s beautiful.” I held little Victor in my arms and looked at his stunning brown eyes, identical to his father’s. “He looks just like you, Vic.”
“I know,” Vic said proudly. “My little man.”
“I’ll have to chase all the girls away,” Stacy said. “That should be fun…”
I handed him to Neil. “Ready?”
“Absolutely.” Neil took him like a pro, like it wasn’t the first time he’d held a baby. He looked into his nephew’s face. “Definitely gonna be a ladies’ man.” He gently rocked him back and forth before he handed little Victor to his mother.
She beamed in joy. “My grandson…”
I smiled as I watched her hold her grandson, imagining mysel
f doing the same in the future. I hoped to be surrounded by my children and my grandchildren one day, to make my own family that would comfort me in my final days. I knew having a child the natural way would be impossible, that he would never have my husband’s eyes, but he would still be my son all the same.
I had an epiphany in that moment, that Neil would never be that man. I may love him deeply, but he would never give me the future I wanted. Seeing my best friend so happy with her husband and newborn son made me realize it was time to move on with my life. I needed to find a man who wanted what I wanted, who wanted to have a family with me even if I couldn’t give birth to his children.
I loved Neil…but he wasn’t the man I should love.
Maybe Kyle was right…I made the wrong choice.
“You have a super cute nephew.” I walked in the door, and Torpedo immediately rushed me to give me a kiss.
“I know.” Neil walked in behind me, handsome and strong in his cotton shirt. He peeled off his brown jacket and hung it on the rack. “He really is. Vic and Stacy did a good job. I’m sad that I won’t see him grow up for the first three years.”
“You’ll see him when you get back…” I rubbed Torpedo behind the ears before I stepped away.
“Yeah…”
I grabbed Torpedo’s bowl then set it on the counter so I could add the dog food. “You still never want to have kids?”
He shrugged. “Probably not.”
“Even if you never go back into space?” I added the food then returned the bowl to the ground so he could eat.
“I’ll probably still move around to different facilities. I’ll be in Florida working on stuff, and there’s another lab in Pasadena they might send me to. I’ll never be in one spot too long, so it wouldn’t be fair to them.”
It broke my heart all over again. Even if he stayed on Earth, he would still never be around. There really was no hope for us ever. If I didn’t want children so much, I might not care…but I wanted a family more than anything in the world. The way Neil felt about space was the way I felt about kids.