by E. L. Todd
I kneeled down and rubbed Torpedo again, comforting myself more than him.
Neil leaned against the counter and watched me.
I ignored his look as long as I could, not wanting him to know what was bothering me. I eventually rose to my feet and washed my hands in the kitchen sink. “Want to watch a movie?”
“It’s pretty late. I have work in the morning.”
I wouldn’t be able to get any sleep tonight. Probably not for the foreseeable future either. In two weeks, Neil would blast off on a grand mission.
Neil kept watching me. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the fridge. When it was full, I took a long drink, mostly to cover my reaction.
“Char.”
I forced myself to turn around, to keep up the illusion everything was fine.
Neil saw right through it. “We tell each other everything. Don’t hold out on me now.”
“It’s nothing…”
He crossed his arms over his chest, refusing to move until the conversation happened.
I set the glass down. “Being around Vic and Stacy just reminds me of what I want. I want to get married and have a family. I know I’m young and I still have plenty of time, but when Cameron and I started trying, I was ready. Now I have to start all over…and I don’t want to. That should be me right now.”
Neil didn’t blink, keeping his emotions hidden under the surface. “It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen.”
How could it ever happen if I wasn’t with the right guy? My husband left me when I couldn’t give him kids, even though I wanted them more than he ever did. And now I was dating a guy about to launch into space for three years who never wanted kids. What the hell was wrong with me? I had a nice man who loved me, who would give me everything I wanted, and I didn’t appreciate him when I should. Maybe I was in love with Neil in a way I never would be with Kyle…but in the end, it didn’t matter.
Neil crossed the space between us then slid his fingers into my hair. “I promise, it’ll happen when it’s meant to happen. Don’t let Stacy and Vic make you feel like a failure. One day, that’s going to be you. Maybe you’ll have kids in a different way, but those kids will be yours…and you’ll be happy.”
23
Neil
“I’m surprised you have time to get a drink.” We were at the bar, sitting in our usual booth. “You’ve got a baby at home. I figured you’d want to be with him.”
“Yeah, but you’re leaving in a week. Victor will be screaming and crying long after you’re gone.”
“Does he cry a lot?” I asked with a laugh.
“Unless he’s sucking on Stacy’s tit.”
I chuckled. “So, he’s just like you.”
He laughed then drank from his beer. “I’m gonna miss you, man. Every time you’re gone, I can’t wait for you to get home. I get a calendar and count down the days.”
All the laughter died in my throat.
“Then when you’re here, you aren’t here long enough for us to get close again. But this is your last mission… I keep telling myself that.”
He made me feel like shit so easily. “We are close, Vic.”
“Yeah, but we’d be so much closer if we saw each other all the time. Then when you aren’t here, all I do is listen to Mom bitch about it. It’ll be nice when you’re back for good. Maybe you can settle down and have a normal life.”
Charlotte really wanted to have a family, and judging by the way she got so emotional about Vic and Stacy, she wouldn’t wait three years until I came back…especially when I still didn’t want kids. She had her priorities, and I didn’t fit into her five-year plan. After Victor was born, everything changed. She was more distant with me, like she was prepared for the breakup before it even happened.
It sucked.
“What are you going to do about Charlotte?”
I knew he would ask eventually. “What do you mean? I’m leaving. We have to break up.”
“You aren’t even going to tell her how you feel?”
“No.” That would be cruel. If I told her I loved her before I left, she would never be able to move on. It was easier to assume there was no future instead of clinging to hope. Even if I returned and wanted to stay put, I still couldn’t offer her anything she wanted. We were doomed…and I wouldn’t waste her time the way Cameron did. “And you better not tell her.”
He raised both hands in the air. “Come on, you know I’ll take your secrets to the grave. I just wonder if you should…just in case you don’t come back.”
“If that happens, then I really don’t want her to know. It’ll just hurt her more.”
He shrugged. “Maybe.”
“You’re finally getting what you want, Vic. I’ll be gone, and she can move on.”
“You think that’s what I want?” he asked incredulously. “If I had it my way, the two of you would get married and pop out a few kids. That’s what I would want. But since you’re stubborn and refuse to give her that…even if you love her…then letting her go is the best thing you can do. I agree with your decision.”
Without Charlotte, I felt so empty inside. It would be a long and painful departure into space…with only a couple of pictures to comfort me.
Vic continued to watch me. “It’s not too late, Neil.”
“It is too late. And even if it weren’t…I have to do this. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t.”
“Then you’ll regret losing Charlotte instead… You’re damned if you go, and you’re damned if you stay.”
I packed up my things and put the important stuff into storage. I’d turned over my house to a property management team so they could rent it out to someone for the next three years. If I died during the mission, my will would instruct my lawyer how to divide my assets.
It was depressing, packing up my things like I may never return.
Charlotte helped herself inside, Torpedo with her on a leash. “Wow, this place looks bare.”
“Yeah…don’t want anyone to steal my stuff. I’m just leaving the big furniture. All my medals and uniforms are going to the storage facility.” My family pictures would go into storage as well. If I passed away, my brother would get all of that stuff.
She joined me on the couch, her hand resting on my forearm. “You doing okay?”
I stared at my hands and didn’t speak.
“This must be hard for you…”
“I’ve never left for such a long duration. Six months is my max. Three years…is a long time.”
“Yeah…” She rubbed my arm.
“I have to go to Florida tomorrow. That’s where we’re launching.”
“Oh…I didn’t know that.”
Because I didn’t tell her. I wanted this break to be as clean as possible. I wanted to minimize the pain, make it as easy for her as possible. The less she knew, the better. I wanted to tell her how much I would miss her, that I would miss her even more than my own family. But I kept my mouth shut.
She rested her cheek against my shoulder and closed her eyes. “I’m gonna miss you so much…”
I turned my lips to her forehead and gave her a kiss. “I know…I’m gonna miss you too.”
I’d leave my Range Rover at the Houston center until I returned. They would change the battery and turn on the engine every month to keep it going. I wouldn’t have to worry about someone else taking care of it or someone stealing it out of my driveway.
I woke up that next morning, dead tired because I didn’t sleep. Charlotte and I didn’t make love all night like I’d imagined we would. We were both too depressed. We didn’t make small talk either, because all we could think about was the moment I had to leave.
Vic and Stacy weren’t coming to the launch, not when they had Victor now. My mom wasn’t coming either because it was just too hard. A part of me wanted Charlotte to be there, but I knew it was best if she stayed home.
I stood at the kitchen
counter and watched the sun rise over the horizon. A cup of coffee was next to my hand, but I didn’t drink it. It was a frozen February morning, and the excitement I normally felt for a launch was nonexistent.
I was dead inside.
Charlotte woke up thirty minutes later, and she came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. Her cheek pressed against my back, and she breathed a painful sigh.
I didn’t want to turn around and face her. I didn’t want to see the heartbreak in her eyes. I was leaving for so long, and even if I returned alive, everything would be different. Charlotte would be a whole new person.
I would be a new person.
I turned around and faced her, my arms wrapping around her for comfort. Our foreheads came together, and we held each other in the kitchen. The silence was somber, making our heartbeats so loud.
Then she started to cry…like she couldn’t take it anymore.
It was the first time I wanted to cry too.
My hand moved into her hair, and I kissed her tears away. I did everything I could to make her feel better, to mask the pain we both felt. I held her tighter, wanting to savor the affection during my long nights alone.
We stood together like that for nearly an hour, never wanting to break apart.
Then the doorbell rang.
It was my family coming to say goodbye.
I opened the door and didn’t bother with a smile. I was depressed…and they were depressed. This wasn’t a launch to the moon that would normally be filled with enthusiasm. To them, this was a death sentence.
They all came inside, baby Victor with them.
My brother handed him to me right away, letting me hold him before I had to leave. The car service company would be there any minute to pick up my things and take me to the center. Then they would put me on a plane so I could be in quarantine before launch. I held my nephew close, thinking about all the years I would miss. “Word of advice, little man. If you see a girl you like, don’t pick on her. Just tell her.” I handed him off to Stacy, who already had tears in her eyes.
The car pulled up to the front of the house.
Time was passing so strangely in that moment. It was going by so fast, but so slowly at the same time.
I said goodbye to my mother first. I held her for a long time, and when I pulled away, she was holding back her tears. She didn’t say anything because she couldn’t bring herself to speak. Instead, she blessed me, pressing her fingers into my body to make a cross.
I nodded. “Thanks, Mom.”
She sniffled when I turned away.
I hugged Stacy next, letting her cry into my chest while she held her son. “Please be careful. We need you to come home…”
“I’ll do my best.” I kissed her cheek then moved to my brother next.
It was the first time I’d seen Vic cry…or at least, his form of a cry. His eyes were wet with emotion, enough to reflect the light from the ceiling. He stared at me, his jaw tight like he was trying to steady his quivering lip.
I moved into his chest and hugged him.
He hugged me back.
We stood that way together for a long time, both on the verge of breaking down into sobs.
“I love you, brother,” he whispered into my ear.
“I love you too.” I patted him on the back and turned away.
Charlotte was my last goodbye.
And the hardest.
I sighed as I looked at her, unsure what to say.
Tears fell down her cheeks because she had the weakest restraint out of everyone. She wore her heart on her sleeve, let her eyes go puffy and red from despair.
I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the collection of five pictures she gave me. “You’ll always be with me.” I held them up for her to see, not showing her the last one in the pile. “And I’ll always be with you.” I pressed my finger to the pendant around her neck.
She cried harder then moved into my chest to hug me. She gripped me tighter than she’d ever had, sobbing into my shoulder and convulsing with pain. She didn’t care about the opinion of my family. She didn’t care what anyone thought of us. Then she pulled back and kissed me, her lips wet with salty tears.
I cupped her cheek and kissed her back, my lips trembling with emotion.
When I pulled away, I knew I needed to walk out that door without looking back. If I stayed, I would break down too. I grabbed my bag from the floor and stepped back. “I love you all…” I turned and walked out the front door, managing to get into the back seat of the SUV before I lost my nerve.
The driver pulled away from the curb, and that’s when it hit me.
I may never see Charlotte again.
And that’s when the tears escaped.
24
Charlotte
Are you sure you don’t want to come over? Stacy texted me for the third time that night.
I’m okay.
I’m serious. Sleep over.
This was a special time in their lives, when they wanted to spend time with their new baby. I didn’t want to get in the way of that with my heartbreak. I’m fine, really. I’ve got Torpedo here. Normally, I would have Kyle, but we stopped talking three months ago. Hadn’t seen him since.
Vic is a wreck, and I know you must be worse.
I threw up that morning because the night was rough. I was used to him sleeping beside me every single night. Now the only thing left was his smell. I wouldn’t wash the sheets for a long time to preserve his presence as long as possible. Neil is doing something incredible. I’m happy for him.
You can be devastated for yourself and happy for him at the same time.
I put my phone away and went back to the bed, hoping to sleep away my pain until it wasn’t there anymore.
The next day, I threw up again.
I filled the toilet with my dinner, leftover pizza and hot wings.
I went to work as usual, mindlessly doing my job without caring like I usually did. On my lunch break, I ate alone in the corner. Neil hadn’t texted me, and I didn’t text him either. It was too hard for both of us, so it was easier just to let it be.
When I went home, I immediately changed into my pajamas and got into bed.
Torpedo whined at me with his leash in his mouth because he wanted to go for a walk.
“Not today, Torpedo.” I rolled over and faced the other wall. The silence was deafening, so I turned on the TV just to have noise in the background. I lay there so still that I fell asleep, woke up at nine in the evening, and then went back to sleep. I didn’t even have dinner.
The next morning, I was working in the lab when I had to throw up again.
It was the third morning in a row.
The first thing that popped into my head was pregnancy. Stacy went through this almost every day of her first trimester. She had a favorite stall at work she liked to puke in. But since that wasn’t possible with me, I knew it was something else.
Maybe something more serious, like an infection I’d contracted in the lab. I handled biohazardous waste on a daily basis. It wasn’t ludicrous to think I’d ingested something by mistake. There was a lot of deadly bacteria out there, stuff that could even cause cancer.
Oh shit, what if I had cancer?
On my lunch break, I made an appointment to see my primary care provider. Maybe he could run some tests and figure out what the problem was.
When I got off work, I went home to do my evening routine, but this time, I took Torpedo on a walk. If I didn’t, he would pester me all night, which was fair…because I hadn’t been a good mother.
Tomorrow, Neil’s rocket was going to launch into the sky.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to watch it.
How could I watch the man I loved leave this earth? Possibly forever?
After our walk, I lay in bed once more, expecting to drift in and out of sleep until I had to go back to work.
That was when Cameron called me.
“What the hell?” I squinted as I looked at his
name on the screen. I answered, assuming it was important. “Uh…hi?”
“Hey, sorry for calling so late. I need to talk to you about something.”
“Alright…everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything is fine. I’d just been thinking about what happened with us and what happened with Vivian and I. At first, I thought maybe I was the problem…since I can’t seem to father a viable baby. I convinced myself that I was just being paranoid, that it was just a coincidence. Well, I went to a different facility to run some tests…and I’m the problem. Last time we went to the fertility doctor, she said you were unable to conceive…but now I think they got our paperwork mixed up.”
Stunned, I just listened to him, my stomach tight with tension.
“So, there’s nothing wrong with you, Char. You can have kids. I’m the one who can’t…”
I was practically hyperventilating, so ecstatic I couldn’t think straight. But I was also terrified, because I hadn’t been on birth control in a year, and Neil and I…oh my god.
“Char?”
“Sorry, I have to go.”
It was ten in the evening when I ran to the drugstore and picked up a pregnancy test.
Jesus Christ, I was about to take a pregnancy test.
I did my business then let the stick sit on the counter. Two minutes had to pass before the results were in. Two minutes was nothing, but in that instance, it felt like an eternity. I sat on the toilet with my fingers covering my bottom lip.
“Oh my god…”
A part of me didn’t want to be pregnant because it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I wanted to be married, or at least be with a partner who also wanted kids. But Neil didn’t want a family. He didn’t even want a wife.
But another part of me hoped I was pregnant anyway…because this was my dream.
It was my dream to be a mom.
When two minutes passed, I looked at the results.
Pregnant.
“Oh my god…oh my god.”