by E. L. Todd
It was midnight, and Neil was launching first thing in the morning. In fact, it was one a.m. there. He was dead asleep, trying to get as much as rest as possible before he launched. I considered calling him and waking him, telling him this life-changing news.
But I also steadied myself.
Telling him now was the worst possible time. He was about to explode into the unknown, about to take a dangerous journey he may not survive. Dropping this bomb on him, that he was going to be a father, would be selfish.
Catastrophic.
So, I shouldn’t tell him.
But if I didn’t tell him now, when would I tell him?
When he came back in three years?
By then, I would be just a memory to him. He would be in a new place. He might fall in love with one of the female astronauts. He would be in such a different headspace that having a kid would be the worst thing.
To have a kid with a woman he didn’t even love.
He said he didn’t want kids, said he wouldn’t change his mind about it.
Did I want my child to have a father who didn’t want him?
No. Probably not.
I could do this on my own. I owned a home, had a good job, and had a great dog. I didn’t need a man.
But Stacy and Vic would know. They would assume it was Neil’s. At some point, I’d have to tell them…unless I lied and said it belonged to someone else.
But who?
I went to Stacy’s house the next morning.
It was so hard to sit there with my secret, to know I had spectacular news but couldn’t tell anyone.
“You okay?” Stacy watched me with Victor in her arms. The rocket was on the TV, getting ready to start the countdown any moment.
“Yeah…I’m okay.” I felt strange keeping this secret, not telling my best friend what I’d just found out. But the news wouldn’t change what was about to happen. Even if Neil wanted to stay in light of this news, it would humiliate him in front of the entire world. Saying nothing was the only thing I could do. And I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse.
Vic sat on the other couch, visibly stressed by the launch. “It’s the biggest rocket they’ve ever created. A lot could go wrong…”
“Don’t talk like that,” Stacy said.
“Neil was part of the process and did the final checks himself,” I said. “It’ll be okay…”
Vic sighed, like he couldn’t believe that.
We stopped making small talk, and minutes later, the countdown began.
One minute.
I’d been hoping to see Neil one last time, to see him entering the structure to board the rocket. All I saw were six people in white space suits from a distance. I assumed the man in front was Neil, but I couldn’t be certain.
Thirty seconds.
Maybe I should have told Neil I loved him, just so he would know. But if he really paid attention, he would have figured it out on his own. I wouldn’t let myself get hurt again unless he also made me joyously happy.
Ten seconds.
Vic moved to the couch between Stacy and me and held both our hands.
Five seconds.
Once that rocket was gone, it would be time for me to move on. I wasn’t sure what to do with Neil’s baby, if I wanted to be honest about the father or keep it a secret, but regardless, our relationship was over. Once he was gone, everything was gone.
One second.
The rocket ignited, fire and smoke erupting around the bottom. We were states away, but I could feel the vibration under my feet. The enormous rocket left the surface of the Earth and slowly rose to the sky.
“We have lift-off.”
The rocket took off, exploding into the sky, flying through the clear blue as it headed to the atmosphere. It would only take two minutes to reach the stratosphere, and the camera followed the rocket as long as it could.
It kept going…and going.
When the camera couldn’t capture it anymore, the network cut to the reporters on the screen. “We’ll give more updates once NASA notifies us about the progress of the mission, the world’s first attempt to reach Mars.”
I hadn’t even realized I was crying until I felt the tears reach my lips.
Stacy was crying too.
Vic was the only one who stayed calm, but he seemed just as upset as both of us. “He made it…he made it.”
Stacy sighed. “Let’s just hope he makes it all the way home.”